Welcome And Series Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:14

G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, today's episode is the next of the Manchester Madness series, all about the trip to the United Kingdom that changed it all. Alright, so a little bit of context about this episode. So this episode originally was going to be about the trip itself, but there's a big blind spot that I've not addressed, that I really need to address, because there is an individual that is a key part of this story, and it's not me. And if anything, it's as much her story as it is mine. And the fact that she is interwoven into this story begins before I actually get to the UK. So I need to address that properly. I'm going to try and do that now. Now, part of this episode, right, okay. So in the interests of transparency, I will say I've had a beer or two tonight. Now I don't usually drink anymore because look, I'm 35, can you believe it? Turning 36 soon. Ugh, yuck. Anyway, it is what it is. And I don't really drink anymore for a few reasons. One, because as you would probably know from listening to this podcast, alcohol and me doesn't necessarily mix very well, although I do like a beer. Um, and two, because as a 35-year-old, the hangovers are just not worth it. But I am back in Newcastle for the weekend. I've been out on the highways all week. Back in Newcastle, leaving tomorrow for West Wylong in New South Wales. Although that's not the point of this episode, but still, I am back for the weekend. I've had a couple of drinks, and I'm thinking now is the time to do the next part of the Manchester Madness series. Because let's be honest, all right? Let's be honest here. Alcohol has been a huge part of my story, for good or for worse, mostly for worse, but it's also a huge part of this story of the Manchester madness. Alcohol certainly fueled a lot of the madness on this trip. And a lot of the memories that I have from that trip, in particular about this individual, I'm not talking about here on this episode, come flooding back when I've had a beer or two. Not every time, but if I choose to go into that vault in my mind, then alcohol tends to be the key that unlocks it. And a few good songs as

Beer, Music And The Memory Vault

SPEAKER_00 2:56

well. So just then I had on Goo Good Dolls Iris. Now that song I used to play all the time leading up to going over to the United Kingdom. I don't know why. It just sort of, you know, it just really tugs at the heartstrings, you know, it gets you going. And it still does today. And I don't know, all these forces sort of come together, and it's like, right, let's do this episode. I'm in the mood because that's the thing, you know. Like I said, a lot of these memories are not necessarily locked away in a vault in some dark corner, you know, where I don't go. You know, like I've done a lot of therapy on this stuff, so it's a vault that I can open and be alright about it. But at the same time, you know, there's certain I don't know if triggers is the word, maybe let for use of a better term, let's say triggers that bring up these memories and open that vault, you know, in a healthy way, unlike what it used to be. It's a healthy way now, but at the same time, it's like, ooh, you know, bam. That really hits in the feels, and that's what's happened here tonight. And it's like, all right, I'm in the mood, let's do this episode. Now, this one in particular was going to be about the trip itself, but I'm gonna go back again to before I actually went to the UK and talk about this particular individual who is very much the co-main lead of this story.

Why Her Story Comes First

SPEAKER_00 4:26

In many ways, this is her story as much as it is mine. In fact, I would say it is. Um, because she was there for every step of the way for all the good times and then the eventual bad, and the impacts on her cannot be understated. Because, look, like I've said, this story is very much borderline personality disorder manifesting itself in the real world, into my world, and destroying everything in its path. Um, and BPD is one of, if not the worst, disorders when it comes to affecting the people around the individual who's got it, right? So it makes sense that she would be an integral part of this story because the BPD burned her up emotionally, of course, but even so, she was the worst beneficiary. No, beneficiary is not the word because that implies some sort of benefit. She was the victim of the BPD manifesting itself as much as I was, you know what I mean? So she was the one that was idealized, which is what BPD does, and then was devalued unbelievably so, and bore the brunt of my BPD going unrestrained. So it is, she was always going to be a huge part of this series. And I haven't really spoken that much about her just yet. And a lot of our story, our love story that would develop and then go, you know, then would implode happened before I actually got to the UK. And a lot of the warning signs of things to come were present, although I didn't see them at the time, were present before I went over. So I think it's important to talk about that and to, you know, try and convey the message that you know the warning signs were there, even though I didn't see them. And this is a huge part of why insight is so important when it comes to mental health and dealing with mental illness. And I think this is a good illustration of that point. So I've spoken previously in the Manchester Madness episode, the prelogue, which is now, or the prelude, which is continuing, although I didn't plan for that to happen, but here we are. Um, so oh here we go. The ADHC strikes again. What the hell is I talking about? Anyway, let's press on. Oh, I knew this would happen, but I didn't think it'd happen this early in the episode. It'd be interesting to know if these, you know, you know, when I black out mid-episode and it's like I completely forget where I'm talking, you know, where I'm up to and what I'm talking about. Um, it'd be interesting to know if this is happening earlier and earlier and earlier in episodes over time, if there's a trend or if it's happening more frequently than it used to, because perhaps that would suggest that I need to manage it a little bit better. But anyway, let's press on.

Pre-Trip Hope And The Wife Fantasy

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Um, so before I went to the UK, like I said, there was this big hope. I had this hope and this belief that everything would finally fall into place, you know, that this was the, you know, that you've got to go to the underworld to get to, well, you know, let's talk biblically. You've got to go for your version of hell to get to heaven, so to speak. And I thought I'd done my time in hell, and this was the opportunity to be reborn, well, not reborn, I guess resurrected, you could say, into some sort of heaven. Now, don't worry, this isn't gonna be some overly religious story, and it's it's not, but at the same time, I think that sort of makes sense. As a metaphor, at least, I think that makes sense. You know, the hero's journey, you could say, you know, going to the underworld and then coming out a better version of you with all the things that you hope for because of the sacrifices and the difficult times that have been, you know, endured. So a big part of what I was hoping, let's be honest, what I was really hoping for, it wasn't money, it wasn't a career, it wasn't, it wasn't even, you know, some sort of reputable standing in psychology or anything like that. It was basically to find my wife. Let's be honest. That's exactly what I was looking for, and in many ways, that's exactly what I've been looking for for a very long time, and unfortunately, continue to. But anyway, that is a story for another day. What the story today is about, though, is about before going to the UK trying to find my wife. Now, this is the story. I'm using that word too often, but who cares, whatever. I blame the beers for that. So

Dominating The Student Exchange Group Chat

SPEAKER_00 9:16

before I went to the UK, when we all, when I say we, all the students that were going over to Manchester Metropolitan University, we're all put in a group chat, you know, to try and introduce ourselves, meet each other, you know, la la la, you know, get some connections formed before we went over there, and then we could build upon them, you know, introduce each other, what degree we're doing, a bit about our story, and go from there. Now, let me tell you, this group chat, right, I dominated the group chat, dominated. When I went over there, everyone was like, Where the hell is this Elliot Blake from Australia? I can't wait to meet him. He sounds like a great dude. Because I started ramping big time. There was the BPD ramping in particular with this individual I'll talk about shortly, but there was also this manic or hypermanic element to it as well. I was in this group chat constantly, I was talking a big game, and you know, I was this Aussie surfer, you know, from the coast of Australia, originally from Bondi, but now I changed out to Newcastle because why would I want to be associated with Sydney? Hello, Newcastle's God's country, and that's the thing. No one even knew what Newcastle, Australia was about. They're like, oh, you're from Newcastle in the UK, you're not travelling very far. I was like, hang on, hang on. I'm not talking about Newcastle in the UK, I'm talking about Newcastle, New South Wales, Australia, baby. All right, Newcastle with the beaches, the world's greatest place, one of the world's most, or at least should be, sought-after tourist destinations. And let me tell you, everybody was convinced that Newcastle was God's country by the time I was through with them. That I can guarantee you. But I dominated this group chat because I'd be at uni, right? Here in Newcastle, the University of Newcastle. I'd be doing my degree and it'd be late at night because you know, the ADHD, I'd procrastinate all day, and then eventually I'd get the uni when the anxiety got so great that instead of making me just freeze, I'd actually go in a fight mode and I'd have to go in there and finish my assignment. So I'd be there like 3, 4 a.m. typing away, and the group chat would light up because, you know, let's be honest, most people that were going on this um student exchange are from the Northern Hemisphere, you know, from Europe, from North America, Canada, America, um, you know, all that sort of stuff. And so I'd be in there because I wouldn't mind be doing my assignments, so I'd just be dominating the group chat, you know, and everyone's like, man, Australia sounds so good. And I'd be like, G'day, mate, you know, are you fed income? All this sort of stuff. It was unreal. Anyway, so we're all introducing ourselves, and I'm obviously saying Elliot from Newcastle, Brackett's God's Country, Australia, um, studying psychology.

The Argentinian Psychology Student Appears

SPEAKER_00 12:02

And then there's this girl who wrote, you know, her name, Psychology Argentina. Now, at this point, I had a bit of a, I don't know, fascination with, well, I still do with, and I always probably have, with other people's cultures, you know. The reason I wanted to go on this exchange, well, there are a few reasons. Obviously, if my wife was one, but one of the other major reasons was to experience other people's cultures. Not even so much Britain, Great Britain, although that was a big part of it, because I loved the Premier League, Manchester City. You know, this had been planned for a while, but I wanted to meet people from other parts of the world because at that point I felt like I'd outgrown Australia a little bit, you know. I certainly felt stale here in Newcastle, a little bit like I do at the moment. Um, but I certainly felt like I'd outgrown Australia and that there was a big wide world out there, and I wanted to understand what was going on, you know. So this exchange appealed to me because I knew there'd be, you know, the United Kingdom, although it's a Western country, I knew that it would attract people from all over the world, and that's exactly what happened. Um, there was also a great launching pad, if you like, to go visit Europe, which has multiple different cultures within the same continent. You can't really get value for money like that in too many other places. So we're all saying where we're from, and there's Canada, and there's you know, South America, as we'll talk about in a minute. There were everywhere, everywhere. Um, and then so the psychology students sort of, we sort of branched off and were like, you know, hey, you know, we're all doing psychology, how about we, you know, sort of go through what the plan is and and the steps to enroll in our courses, and you know, we'll all do it together and we'll make it an easier process. And there was this one girl from, and I sort of added, or we all added each other individually, but there was this one girl from Argentina who I was talking to, and we just seemed to keep talking, you know, and it was pretty cool. I was like, hey, Argentina. So I had a lot of questions, you know, Maradona, you know, football, all that sort of stuff. And she had some questions for me too about Australia, because that's the thing, you know. Although I said I was a bit over Australia, and you know, I was like, I need to get out of this joint, you know. You know, let's be honest, Aussies have, for some reason, a pretty good reputation overseas. There's probably good reasons for that, but you know, we do. So a lot of people were interested in my world and and how things were here in this amazing country. Um so this particular individual from Argentina, she had a lot of questions for me as well. And then all of a sudden, we're talking, you know, it's we've been talking for a week, two weeks, three weeks, and just kept going and going.

Idealisation Starts Before Meeting

SPEAKER_00 14:49

And like I said, you know, this is very much a story of BPD, right? So all of a sudden I'm thinking, this is it. This is it. I found her, this is her. I've found the one. This is the beginnings of the well, it happened so quickly, which is what happens with BPD. All of a sudden, this person who I've never met before and I've only spoken online, and I'm only inferring what she's about by the words that she's typing to me. Um, all of a sudden, I'm idly I idealizing this person thinking she is perfect, she is the answers to everything I've been looking for. And right, it's it's important to say too that my previous relationship before this one that would eventually happen, um, was a girl who was over here in Australia in Newcastle on a uh, I don't know, a working visa. That yeah, that's it, a working visa. Um, and she was from Canada, from Quebec, so French Canada, which is even cooler. That's like two cultures in one. And her and I had a bit of summer loving going on, and that all fell apart, and that broke my heart, and that put me in a great depression. So, you know, already I was thinking, you know, my mindset was I don't want any chick from Australia, that's boring. I want someone from overseas, you know. Forget about the important things, like someone who's kind, caring, good looking, potential, I don't know, good mother, I don't know, all that sort of stuff. Um, you know, that was all out the window. It was all about someone who's exotic. And Argentina is pretty exotic, or at least it is to me as an Australian. So her and I are talking, and I'm falling in love as we're talking. So what used to happen, right, because of the time zone changes, she used to message, she used to reply to my messages at about uh midnight, 1 a.m. And I used to stay up, you know, waiting for these messages to come through. All day I'd be looking forward to it, thinking, all right, I'm gonna hear from my girl, you know. It's like, hello, alarm bells should have been ringing because it's like, Elliot, you haven't even met this person. She could be anyone, she could be faking it. Who knows what she's like in real life, you know? Like, yeah, she's writing all the right things, which I'll talk about in a minute, but you've never actually met this person. So, like, just chill out, man. Just calm down, you know. But that's the thing with BPD, there's no calming down, or at least there isn't, when you aren't able to control it, and there certainly isn't when you don't even know it exists, and you don't even know that it exists and it applies to you. Like, I had no chance, you know. Looking back now, it's like, damn, of course this happened, you know. Like, there's no, I don't have ill feelings in many ways to my previous self, although I did cause a lot of pain um to others, this individual in particular. But like I look back now and I'm like, man, you had no chance. You had no chance, you didn't even know it existed, let alone applied to you. Like, hello. There was there was no chance to avoid this. This was always going to happen, unfortunately, for me and for her. And that's the thing. This is as much her story as it is mine. So she would write to me, I'd write back, I'd be waiting for her replies, and she always replied, which was great. And you know, they were they were in depth. This is the thing, right? She was obsessed with psychology, and so was I, although I wasn't, you know, very targeted, or at least I wasn't very honed in on how to actually, you know, channel my fixation of mental health and psychology properly. So she definitely knew more about the science and all that sort of stuff than I did. You know, I'd like to think I've caught up now. I don't know, I don't talk to her anymore, which is fine. But, you know, she was very knowledgeable on psychology, and I was just like, man, this is unreal. I've I've found her, you know, she's she's obsessed with psychology, she's a nice person, she's good looking, according to her photos on Facebook that I used to look at all the time. This is brilliant. This is brilliant, but it got deeper than that, right? Because let's be look, let's be serious. If you do psychology, you know, everyone says, Oh, I do psychology because I want to help other people. It's like la la la, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. I used to say that too. But really, if you're doing psychology, what you're trying to do first and foremost is figure out yourself and then figure out what's going on with other people in the world as well. If you take it to that level of abstraction, you know, if you look at a, if you take a meta view of the world and of human psychology, um, which she certainly did and I certainly did too. But people who do psychology are usually emotionally very switched on, but also very weighed down by the negative emotion in their world and the world around them, you know, because it is true. Although I joke and say, oh, you know, every psychologist wants to figure themselves out, which is, I think, true. Um, a lot of the reasons, or at least the main some, well, you know, generally speaking, in my experience, certainly for me personally, the main drivers of people who do psychology often is empathy. So empathy for themselves, but empathy for others as well. And people who do psychology often are in tune with the negative emotion in the world, right? So a lot of people who do psychology who really, I'm not talking about people who just like, oh, I want to read people's minds, which is garbage. But the people who do psychology, like really do psychology and are emotionally driven by the fact that human nature and the experience of the world that we have often is an experience of suffering.

Why Psychology People Go Deep

SPEAKER_00 20:47

I think we all can relate well, we can't, we can all relate to that. That's like the default mode of humanity is suffering, and we look for the bright spots within it. That's how I view it anyway. Um, so people who do psychology and really do psychology are very deep people, deep people who understand the world is not necessarily all sunshine and rainbows. I think a lot of people go through life knowing that the world is not all sunshine and rainbows, but a lot of people block that truth out. And I think a lot of people who do psychology, though, are the people who are not able to block that out or choose not to. Me, for example, I choose not to, but I don't really have the ability to anyway. And I know that because when I was a kid, I knew acutely aware how evil the world could be and how tortured some people's lives were. So as a kid, you know, if you have the ability to block that out because you're not mature yet, you do. You do. You don't want to think those things because you can't understand it yet, because you're still developing. But then there are those people like myself who don't have the ability. Even from that age to do it. Okay? So those are the sorts of people who do psychology and do it properly and really want to figure out what's going on with the world. And she was one of those people, you know, it was like, finally, I've met someone who's on the same wavelength as me and who's willing to admit that they're on the same wavelength as me. Like, I'm sure if I went back to the previous messages that we'd sent, and you know, like I remember once when we were still together, I did this and it just went on and on and on. And we just tackled the big questions in the world and tried to make sense of what was going on. You know, that's what so much of our chat was, well, that's the majority of what our chat was about. It wasn't about, I can't wait to get to Manchester and and just get absolutely blind and have a great time and party and do all that stuff. No, it was like, you know, maybe when we meet each other finally in person, we can put our heads together and try and figure out what the hell is going on with this world that we're in. That is the sort of conversations that we were having. So you can, you know, it's not hard to conceive the idea that, you know, this could get out of control for somebody who wasn't aware of the depths of their emotional well, you know, and that was me. I didn't know how far down I could go. I didn't know how intense I could focus in on these emotions. And I didn't know how intense the feeling of euphoria of finally meeting the person in my dreams could go. Especially, I didn't know that there was no restraint to this sort of stuff. You know, I was at the whim of my emotions. I had no conscious control over how I was feeling, how I would feel, how I would react. I had no idea. Because that's the thing, right?

BPD And Red-Hot Emotion Explained

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Borderline personality disorder. It is a disorder of red-hot emotion, you know, and people talk about, you know, BPD, they're people, they're angry, all this sort of stuff. And it's like, yeah, yeah, that can happen too, you know, for sure. But it's not just that. Often, in fact, I'd say almost always, BPD, people with BPD are super empathetic, super empathetic, but we don't know how to deal with these emotions. That's what it's all about. That's the crux of the disorder, is essentially having red-hot, intense emotions that are beyond the norm. And coupled with that, the inability to do anything about them, and being at the whim of these strong, intense, red-hot emotions. So, you know, it's not that far of a leap to then understand that, okay, we've got Elliot here, who's super deep, feels all these deep emotions and feels them to his core, and is crying out for someone to bring him the positive emotions because I didn't feel at that point that I was able to create those positive emotions myself because I wasn't able to. I was depressed until I had this to look forward to. I was I was depressed, excuse me. Like, there's no two ways about. I was in a major depressive episode. I had major depressive disorder. There's no two ways about it. But then this offered me a lifeline. And then she came along and was like, this is more than a lifeline. This right here with her, this is a life that I can build. We can create this little family, you know, we can change the world, understand human behavior and the emotions and cognitions that drive them, and we can help people, we can change the world. You know, this is what I was thinking. And I hadn't even met this person yet. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, man, Elliot, you know, you if looking back now, I'd slap myself in the face and go, wake up to yourself, mate. Come on, just chill out. You haven't even met the girl yet. Fire out, you know. But already I was just like, This is fake. This is fate, and this is exactly how it was always meant to be. And for all the tough times that I'd been through, although the tough times were really yet to come, but for all the tough times that I'd been through, this was my reward. I'd been to the depths of my hell, which really was surface level compared to where I was about to go. Um, but I'd been to my depths of hell, this is my reward. This is it, the hero's journey, and I am the hero of my own story. This is gonna happen. Unbelievable. And like it is, it's it's like a Hollywood story, it's beautiful, and this is this is why this trip was so jarring, because without getting into the trip itself, which we'll get to soon, I promise. But like the first three months of the six months was exactly like I envisaged, and then it all fell apart. But remember, I'm thinking these things already. I hadn't met this person, hadn't gone to the United Kingdom yet, hadn't done anything. I'm just sitting there at uni, supposedly doing my statistics assignment, but really just you know hammering the group chat and just forcing myself upon people virtually, um, and creating this, I don't know, mystique around myself that wasn't really true. Like I was the surfer from Australia. I I don't surf, you know, I don't have the balance, I'm not a surfer. But in this context that I was creating, not real life, but this context that was my imagination manifesting itself, I was this surfer from Australia, no, like unbelievable, because I was the hero of my story. So her and I talking, right? And this is the thing, we were talking about the real things, you know, and I'd been searching for this for so long for somebody who would be willing to go to the depths of negative thoughts and you know, that I would go to and she would go there with me. I'd talk about how evil the world was and how it was run by, you know, I always get this, I can never say this word, malevolence, that the world was just full of malevolence, malevolence. I'm not saying that word anymore, but you know what I mean. You know, that the world was evil, but no one would really, you know, go to those depths of thought with me. And it makes sense because it's a terrible place to go, you know. And although I think there's truth in those, in where I was going, and well there is, it's it's reality, whether people want to believe it or not, the world is is not a very, you know, I don't believe overall it's a very happy place. There's a lot of examples of that, but people don't want to have those conversations with me, generally speaking, and that's fair enough because it's not a good place to go because there's not much light in the depths that I would try and drag the conversation with me. But she would go there with me, and then she would build upon the things that I'd already been thinking, and we would work together and try and understand what was going on, or at least we would, you know, seek comfort in a way, or at least maybe I did, in the fact that someone else was thinking like I did. Someone else was willing to go to the depths of hell and try and figure out from that vantage point what's going on. And she would do that with me, she would go there with me again at this point, just online, you know, on Facebook Messenger, like, hello, calm down, Elliot. But I was like, Whoa, whoa, this is huge. No one's ever done this before. This person is different, she's special, and I guess at this point, because I was starting to get manic, I'm special, and together we will be special and we will create something special that will change the world. This is what I was thinking. Grandiose thinking, you know. I'm this, you know, I never got to the point where I believed that I was Jesus, but at the same time, I remember once at Uni, right? I I was obviously madic. Um, well, I was for a few months there. And I wrote this big long essay. Well, I should have been doing an essay on something at uni, but I wrote this essay on how to cure depression. And like, I I would love to be able to find it. I wonder if it's if I could still find it. If I can, I should read it out here on the podcast because it's absolutely ridiculous. But it's essentially me outlining how I would fix depression in the world. And like some of it from memory, like had some sort of relevance, but it's like, how do you actually put some of these things into practice? You know, it was just fanciful, basically. But this is the sort of mind state that I was in. I was like, I've got the answers, she's got the answers, and together there'll be an interaction effect for those that know statistics and psychological science. There'll be an interaction effect, and our main effects will compound and produce, you know, life-changing results for everybody. You know, this is what I was thinking and what I was going through. And to me, she was the perfect person to be my partner. I could already see it. We'd be going to conferences all over the world, you know, fixing depression, fixing anxiety, all this sort of stuff. And yet I didn't even know what I was going through. I didn't even know that in that moment I was ramping big time into a manic episode. I was at the whim of BPD and those red-hot emotions. And this was the fertile breeding ground within my mind. Not of breeding. Okay, this sounds a bit, a bit primal, but anyway, not of breeding a family with her. Ooh, that sounds terrible. But this was actually the breeding ground of the biggest explosion of mental illness that I'd ever seen, and it was all coming to me. It was all going to be me imploding and the world around me, and I had no idea. But yeah, so there you go. This was the beginnings of something, you know, life-changing, but I didn't realise in what way it was going to be life-changing. Man, it's huge, you know. Like, I can't, I cannot overstate or understate either how much of an influence and how much of an impact she had on me, you know? Like, like looking back now, like it was obsession, it was fixation, it was idealization, it was all of that sort of stuff. She was the perfect person, and somehow I was going to make a life with her. And looking back, it's like, damn, Ellie, come on, man. Pull yourself together, you know. Like, this is ridiculous. You're ticking all the boxes here of mental illness unrestraint, but that's the thing. I didn't have the inside, didn't have the awareness. I had no idea. I was just going full tilt and just riding the wave until the wave would crash over me and I'd essentially psychologically drown almost. Very close. Um, but yeah, like, oh man, I just I still remember I'd finished work at Bunnings, you know, and I'd come home and it'd be uh it'd be like 9:30 at night, 10 o'clock, and you know, maybe I'd be on the 7 o'clock start the next day, 7 a.m. And I'd be like, nah, no, I'll stay up, I'll be right. She'll she'll reply. And I used to sit there, you know, with the the um the conversation open, I'll wait for the bubbles to come up, and they'll be like, hahay, she can't. I don't know if this is just chasing dopamine or what, but you know, but it wasn't just that, yeah. I'd go through her Facebook, look at all her photos, and think she's beautiful, she's amazing, she's the one. You know, I'd go through all that, and as we'll find out in the next episode, or maybe even the final episode of this series, Manchester Madness, me trawling her Facebook and Instagram would go to the next level.

Fixation, Facebook And Growing Cringe

SPEAKER_00 34:18

It would be unbelievable. But then, like in a really negative, really maladaptive way. But at this point, it was just going through and thinking she's beautiful, she's amazing, look how smart she is, you know. Like, this is this is great. And I was just totally obsessed with this person, totally obsessed, you know, like it ugh, uh, it makes me cringe. Like, I don't get embarrassed often or shame or guilt or anything like that when I do this podcast, only when I listen back to the episodes, which I never do because I do feel those things. Um, but in the moment I never really feel those things. But even now, just thinking about how I used to go on a Facebook and look at her photos and just like it wasn't it wasn't in like a weird sexual way, you know, like none of this was sexual at this point at least. There was no like sexuality involved. This was all emotional, this was all in like a dream state that was all tied into my meaning and purpose up until that point, and the meaning of life, and the big dream and vision of what I could achieve moving forward with her by my side and me by her side, you know. Like even in those fanciful dreams back in the day, it wasn't like me as the leader and she was like next to me supporting me, you know. It was all, you know, like it was 100% equality. You know, she was, if anything, I reckon, smarter than me. She certainly had a better grip on psychology at that point than I did. And although, you know, since then I've you know I've just gone leaps and bounds, you know. Um, but you know, like she was, if anything, she was the lead. I was the one that was following and wanting to reach her level of understanding of psychology and potential influence on the science moving forward. Like none of this was about, you know, me. I I know I talk about like this was my hero's journey, and I was going to be the main character and the hero of my own story, and that's true. But her story I saw as very much her as the hero. And the the, you know, like it was all about that interaction effect. Like I said, her unbelievable understanding, coming with my unbelievable eventual understanding, and our passion for what we wanted to achieve, which was the better humanity, um, coming together to create this irresistible force that would change the world. It wasn't about me and I would use her as a tool or anything like that. Definitely not. No way, no way. And at that point, I was intimidated because of how devoted she was to psychology and all that that meant, you know, and and that's partly why I am now, I'd like to think, a leader in this sort of field, at least in the lived experience field, because she got me up, you know, she she later on I would feel very inferior, which would really feed into my insecurities and self-esteem issues and lack of self-belief and all that sort of stuff. At this point, um, because I had all this euphoria, I was just like, right, she is the gold standard, you could say. The gold standard, and I want to get to her level. It was, you know, it was me. I was the inferior one. I wanted to get to her level, and she drove me to great heights. This podcast wouldn't have started if it wasn't for her. My devotion to psychology wouldn't have started uh like I was devoted before, but my galvanised devotion to psychology and the ability to hone in and really focus on what I want to achieve and to actually achieve it wouldn't have happened without her influence, no question. So I can't, you know, I can't stress that enough. This isn't a story of me, me as the main character, and she's just an accessory to the story. She is as much as part of the story as I am. This is as much her story as it is mine, and oh man, I'll tell you, I still, I still remember, I still remember, you know, times laying in bed, one eye open because I'm so tired, but waiting for that message, and it's like, oh, it just makes you cringe looking back, oh yucca, Elliot, just go to sleep, mate. Stop being clingy. I was a stage five clinger without even meeting this person. Like, come on, man, snap out of it. Jeez. But she's a huge part of this story, and she's going to be in these future episodes. And I don't know, I just can't stress that

Remission, Moving On And What Changed

SPEAKER_00 38:52

enough. I want to make, I also want to make it clear though, that you know, it's all good now, you know. Like her and I don't talk, and that's fine, and I've got no drums there. She's moved on with her life, and I thankfully have moved on with mine, you know. I'm doing my thing, and it's great. And there's no obsession anymore. And this is part of why I think a lot of my BPD has gone into remission because after this trip, as you'll find out, like I was still obsessed, I was desperate to get back together, all this sort of stuff. So I don't want to spoil it or anything, but you'll never believe it. But this relationship didn't last. Um, but you know, like this is why I'm able to talk about it now so freely. Excuse me, and and you know, like there's no, I'm not gonna finish this episode, for example, and go, oh my god, oh my god, I'm gonna go back and read the messages. I'm gonna, I'm gonna look it back up on Facebook and Instagram and do all this stuff. Like, no, I don't care about that. I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna go to bed probably and watch, I don't know, videos of lines roaring because I'm autistic and that's what I love, you know, and get ready for me trucking life tomorrow when I'm going out to West Wilong and, you know, doing all that. Like, it's all good. But uh, you know, but looking back, it's like, man, you know, I didn't have anything. I didn't have this there was such a void in my life at that time that it makes sense that whatever came along or whatever person came along, there was such a void in my life at that time, because I didn't have these passions that I was devoted to like I am now, that I would attach myself to this individual and that would be my passion, you know. Whereas now, for example, it's like, no, no, I'm doing my thing, you know, and I'm doing it all alone. If someone comes along, it's like, yeah, great. But if they don't, whatever, don't really care that much because I'm doing my thing, you know. So that's why I'm able to do this episode without feeling any negative emotion towards. I'm actually really happy I'm doing it because this has needed to happen for a long time. But as you can imagine, there's a lot of emotion behind it, there's a lot of memories that, you know, like although I'm all right with it, it's like, yeah, a lot of it's a lot of it hurts, you know. Look back at poor old Elliot at that point, who had no idea what was going on, no insight, no awareness, you know, didn't know that there were multiple mental illnesses just running wild with his life. It's like, damn, that poor guy, you know, I feel bad for him. But, you know, it's like, whatever. I also know that I've come out the other side, and although I'm doing my thing, maybe a little bit different to other people, you know, what can I say? I'm autistic, I'm unique, and that's the way it is, and it's all good. So no dramas there. So anyway, I don't know, I don't know. Does that episode make sense? I hope it does. Um, because I think that now will conclude the prelude to the actual Manchester uh Madness episode, which is going to be the trip itself. And as I've hinted at, the first three months was unreal. Oh man, best time of my life. The three months after, and probably then the three months, well, the three years probably after that second three months, just hell. And I said it earlier that I thought I'd gone through my depths of hell leading up to the trip, but I had no idea what was coming. But you guys will soon because that's all coming in the next episodes here on the Disregulated Podcast. All right, I'll tell you what, I must have been talking for a while. How long's this episode been going for? Who knows? But my voice is starting to go. So that'll do

Like, Subscribe, Share And Follow

SPEAKER_00 42:34

for now. Thank you very much for listening. I do appreciate it. If you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating, and by all means, you can share it around with your mates because every time somebody listens, my dopamine goes up in my brain, and I feel pretty good about it. So please get everyone listening because then that makes me very happy. Anyway, that'll do. You can follow me on Instagram at elliot.t.waters, you can follow the show at thedisregulated.podcast. And until next time, thank you for listening, and I'll see you here shortly for the main event of, or at least part one of the main event, of Manchester Madness here on the Disregulated Podcast.