I live with anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism, OCD & BPD — and this podcast shares the hard-fought lessons I’ve learned along the way.
This is lived-experience mental health, told with complete honesty and zero filter, including the vulnerable and significant moments that continue to shape my life today.
Through personal reflections, therapy insights, interviews, nervous system regulation, and real-world struggles, I explore what it means to live with complex mental illness — grounded in psychological science and research.
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I didn’t plan to record again so soon, but the last chat about Manchester lit something up that I couldn’t ignore. After I stop talking, I’m back walking Newcastle Beach, doing that familiar late-night scan of the stars and asking the same old question: why am I still alone? The unsettling part is that life looks different now and I’ve done so much work on myself, yet the feeling lands in the same place.
I get into a word I missed last time: insight. Awareness is noticing what’s happening, but insight is understanding why it happens and what it costs. With more insight, therapy tools, and hard-earned stability, I’m not the “perfect” version of me, but I am a better version. That’s why it stings when Avril Lavigne pops up on my playlist and the emotional flashback hits. The soundtrack changes, the years pass, and still the relationship questions follow me from the beach to the highway.
Then I lay out the big metaphor: my life as a car that used to be powerful but unreliable, with gremlins that could make it blow up. Over time the engineers (me, plus treatment and effort) fixed the faults. The 2026 model is solid, resilient, and ready, but it feels like nobody’s buying, like the market has moved on to a different life stage. If you’ve ever felt the frustration of mental health recovery not delivering the one thing you want most, you’ll understand the punch-in-the-guts honesty here
G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Discs Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, so I didn't expect to uh record an episode quite so soon, but uh this one is being recorded just after I did the last one, which was Manchester Madness Part 1. Um, because I'll tell you what, that episode brought up a lot. It brought up a lot. I thought it probably would, but man, I've come to this realization now, I just gotta tell you all about it, and I don't particularly like it. Um so obviously in that episode previous, which I highly recommend you listen to if you haven't, partly because it'll make this one make a bit more sense. Um, as I said, I was at Newcastle Beach where I do all my best thinking. I did some pretty deep thinking on that episode. And then after I finished, I had a bit of a walk around, and then I realized something. How things are so different now, and yet they're so similar. So similar. Because let's think about it. For example, before I went on that trip, I used to walk around Newcastle Beach.
I used to think, why am I alone? As a bit of an indication where this episode's going. But I did, you know, I used to walk around late at night, early hours of the morning, whatever, looking at the stars and going, what the hell is going on? What is doing? You know, like, am I defective? Classic BPD thought, but you know, am I defective? And that's a question sometimes I still ask now. Um, and basically what I did just then was exactly the same thing. And uh it's not particularly good because, like I said, before the Manchester trip, I didn't know what was going on. There was no insight. That's a word that I forgot to say in the episode. I kept saying awareness. What I probably could have said as well was insight, all right? Insight's very important. Um, but I had none back then. But now I've got it. I've worked on myself, I've ironed out so many of the kinks. No one's ever going to be perfect, but you know, there are a lot of kinks. You know, I'm gonna use a car analogy in a minute that's probably very autistic, but I think it'll make sense. Um, but you know, there are a few faults, and I've fixed a lot of those faults, you know what I mean? But at the same time, I'm still walking along Newcastle Beach. I was listening to music um after I finished
that episode, and up come Avril Levine, I'm with you. Now, look, I'm not ashamed to say I love Avril Levine. I was born in 1990, alright? So give me a break. We all had a crush on Avril Levine back in the day, and I listened to her music, very emotional, a lot back then. And a lot of the times I was listening to it while I was asking these sorts of questions, and to be honest, I still do that today. And then randomly, Spotify somehow, it must be the AI thing going on, or it's tapping into my thoughts. Anyway, I don't want to get into that paranoia sort of way of thinking. Um, but at the same time, it came on. I'm with you, Avril Levine. And
I was like, damn, I'm feeling the same things, and I'm asking the same questions, and yet I know that things are so different now, and yet things are so similar, things are the same in many ways, you know, like fan income. Um, so I'll give I'll give the car analogy, right, because I have this opinion, and I think I'm right, that I am a better. I was thinking about it, and I was like, I'm a better person now than I was, and that's not true because, you know, like underneath the layers of uncontrolled and um unaware mental illnesses that were dictating terms, you know, I was a, you know, I'd like to think I'm a very good person. You know, I I think I am. Um, and I'd like to think I still am a good person, but I'm a better version, is what I really am. I'm a better version than I was back then.
And yet I'm still asking the same questions, you know, and it's got to do with relationships. And the problem now is that that was when I was 27 back then, which then I thought I was over the hill, but now I'm 35, and I don't know. I don't want to confirm to myself that I'm over the hill, but it does feel like when it comes to this domain of life, finding a life partner, the time is running out if it hasn't run out already. You know, I know a lot of people say, oh, you know, you know, there's always time, and you never know, she's just around the corner. But that's the thing. I've been trying to believe that for so long now, and yet here we are in the same position, you know, eight, nine years later, or whatever it is. So, um, so this is the analogy, right? I'm gonna go with. So in 20, well, what was that, 27? So let's say 2018, maybe the Elliott Waters model in 2018 was a great car. It was, you know, it was powerful, it was a great drive. Um, the the I don't want this to sound sexual, but the experience riding in the Elliott Mobile, let's go with that, was a great experience, and it was a pleasure to drive me. Okay, this is getting weird, but stay with me. But there were kinks, there were gremlins, there were faults in the design, right? So that was heaps of power, it was comfortable, you know. The fuel economy was horrendous because that was a fault, you know. I used to, you know, use a lot of juice and then I'd run out of fuel very quickly. That's still a fault today. Um, you know, I had this supercharged engine, right? This supercharger that was so powerful, but it used to cut in and out. You know, that's my mood, by the way. That's you know, when the supercharger's running, it's good mood. When it cuts out, it's the press, okay? I know this is all a bit hard to understand, I'm sure, but anyway, it makes sense to me. So let's go with it. So the 2018 or whatever model it was, um, it was a good car, but it had faults, right? A few people bought it, but they traded it in because they couldn't put up with the unreliability of the vehicle. All right. Makes sense. Now the thing is, over the years since the designers or the engineers of this unbelievable motor the motor motor motormobile fitting, it's hard to talk. It's been doing a lot of talking. Um, you know, the engineers knew that they were on a winner, but there were issues with the car that they had to iron out. And that's what happened. So one day, for example, oh, this is so so autistic. One day, this particular car exploded, right? It exploded. It almost killed the driver. All right, that's the relationship implosion that I'm gonna talk about in the next episode and the one after the Manchester Madness, right? So try and stick with me. So the car explodes. Um, but the driver, she, it was a female, she said, Look, it exploded, but I don't have any blame to put on the manufacturer, you know, um, because no one could have predicted this. This definitely wouldn't happen in real life uh if this was real life. But you know, no blame on the manufacturer of the vehicle. It was a great car. It's just a shame it ended like it did in exploding. Um, so the particular driver of this car didn't go back to the model because so, like, look, it was great. I loved it, and she did, she loved me, loved it, the car. Um, but unfortunately, uh the explosion was too much to handle, and I ain't going back to that fair enough. So, over the years, right, so the engineers were like, holy duly, this car is brilliant when it's performing, but when it's not, like it has the potential to explode. So, they've for years they've worked on it for years with like different therapies for the car, different, you know, additives for the fuel and the engine, you know, medications. And now in 2026, now remember, no cars are perfect, all cars have their you know negatives, but this version of the Elliott Mobile is brilliant, you know? It's one wheels car of the year, like it is just so reliable, it's solid, it's tough, it's unbreakable, it's so resilient as a motor. Yeah, I'm gonna stop saying that word, as a vehicle, as a car, and as a person. Um, but the problem is no one now wants to buy this car, even though it's so great and there's so many improvements have been made, nobody wants to buy the car, unfortunately. So, this amazing model, which is so good now, and it's just ready for someone to buy, and it will change their life forever to the good. Unfortunately, it sits in the showroom gathering dust because for some reason the market has moved on. All right. Now, this is
what I feel has happened in the real world as a person, not a car. The market has moved on. So, what people have done, they've bought SUVs, right? SUVs, they're not buying the supercharged sedan anymore, they're going to SUVs, and they've filled these SUVs up with children. So, in other words, what I'm saying is that the potential partners of mine have all moved on, they've met other people and now they have kids because this is why I see around me. Everyone my age, not everyone, but you know, it feels like everyone has kids and has moved on, and there's no buys left. So, unfortunately, this amazing vehicle sits in the showroom gathering dust, and nobody wants to buy it. So, there you go. And that's what I was thinking on this walk around Newcastle Beach, which is exactly maybe knowing those terms, but is very much the same way of thinking that I had before this trip and ever since, and before. Um, you know, nothing's changed on that front, you know, and that's the thing. I am a better version of me. So many of the issues have been ironed out, but no buyers are present, and that is a bitter pill to swallow, you know, and even when I talk about in that episode how I felt stale, I need to go on this adventure, and then hopefully the rewards would come because that's what you know, the stories of ancient times, you know, that's they're the stories of the hero, you know, of humanity, very much so. You know, these meta stories that that sort of, you know, we all can relate to. Um, you know, it's still the same. Like this whole trucking thing that I'm doing is another of those big adventures. But I know that this adventure isn't
necessarily going to bring me those fruits like maybe the previous adventures I've been on may have provided or that I was seeking, you know, and I had hope then. Whereas now there's not so much hope. And that sucks, you know. And I was spoken about that before on the show. This is nothing, you know, this isn't a new thing or anything, but what is significant is the fact that same location, walking around Newcastle Beach, Avril Levine comes on, I'm with you, I'm thinking the same thing, I'm asking the same questions, I'm looking to the sky, to the stars, to whoever that's pulling the strings, and I'm asking and pleading still, can you sort this one out for me, please? All right. But the difference this time, I suppose, is that I know now that I'm just so much better. Not a better person, but a better version of me. And that's what makes it even harder because it's like, damn, you know, I've put in the work. The engineers, me, have sorted out the gremlins. They're gone for the most part. Again, not every car or person is perfect. Um, but the big glaring, you know, errors in the design have been fixed, and I'm just waiting for a buyer. And Avril Levine is still the soundtrack of those sorts of thoughts. And, you know, even while I'm out on the highway driving, you know, the big greens inner state, you know, Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, everywhere in between, you know, big trucky that I am. Um, you know, it's the same things. You know, I'm driving along at night, and it's like when I used to drive around Newcastle in the car, but instead I'm out on the highway, and this time I'm earning money while doing it, but I'm still thinking the same things, and you know, a lot of it's the same songs, and it's all just the same. So, you know, things are it's the same, but it's so different because things are different. But like I said, this the context in which I find myself or the setting, you know, those big questions are still there, and those big voids that I perceive in my life are still there. And that sucks, man. And unfortunately, well not unfortunately, because like I said, I think these things a lot, but that episode I did just before, it has really brought to the fore, to the forefront of my mind, um, this whole topic. And I don't know, it's just it's eerie that Avril Levine just happened to come on and it's just like, damn, damn, has that much really changed? And
the answer is yes and no. And I hate that sort of ambiguity. I can't speak, ambigu, ambiguous. You know, I hate, I hate the grey, you know, because maybe this is a hangover effect of the B per D, but you know, black and white thinking, because black and white thinking is safe. And this sort of stuff is very grey. It's very grey. I don't know if I like it, even though I was always told you need more grey in your life, earlier, but maybe not on this front. I don't know. So there you go. So, yeah. So I did that episode and I knew it would bring up some, you know, some feelings. And my goodness, has it done so? But the big sort of realization, I suppose, even though I think this a lot, but it's never really presented itself so clearly, especially not in the form of a meta story involving cars and uh the design of cars and how it relates to me. Um, again, very autistic, but whatever. Um, yeah, it was a real sort of slap to the face. And it's like, damn, well, more than that, it was more like a punch to the guts, you know, a real, you know, not stabbing of the heart, but oh, you know, that's really where I felt it. And yeah, it sucks, man. It sucks. We know it, we know it sucks, but yep. So
there you go. The whole theme of the Manchester Madness series is very much about how things have changed because of it, and it was the turning point, and it really was. But make no mistake, you know, as of today, eight years later, you know, that that happy, not ending, but happy um resolution to the story hasn't quite eventuated just yet, even though there have been some massive improvements to me as the version of me that presents itself, but also to my life, you know, my life is a lot better. But there are still big questions and big voids that I'm grappling with every day. And I'll tell you what, today or tonight, big time, big time, and in great detail. So the next two episodes are gonna be interesting because they go even deeper than what the first one did. So ho ho ho hold on tight, everybody, because I know I am, because it's gonna get rocky, but hey, that's the story, you know. That's the ebb, you know, the waxing and waning of mental illness. That's the realities of mental ill health, and that's what I'm determined to bring to you on this podcast. So, yeah, there you go. All right, thanks everybody. I didn't expect to do that episode so quickly, and I didn't expect to do this one at all, but there you go. My life is like a car. Um, a car that is sitting in that showroom gathering dust. But anyway, whatever, we move on. All right, thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time here on the Disregulate podcast.
