Welcome And Trilogy Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:10

G'day everybody, my name is Ellie Waters, and you're listening to the This Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Right oh, well, this is gonna be a big episode. In fact, this is gonna be three big episodes. So, because I'm delving into quite the uh emotionally charged memories of mine from my time overseas on a particular trip that I'm about to go through in a minute, I am down at my favorite spot to do thinking, which is Newcastle Beach. I've spoken about this location before, I've done my deepest thoughts and tried to figure out the world, my world, at this location in the past. And I come back here a lot when I'm in town to do just that, and I'm doing it again. And now it's time to do an episode or three episodes, in fact, that I wanted to do for a very long time, which is so so important to my story, and I think now is the time to do it. So, this is part one of the three-episode trilogy Manchester Madness. Because let me tell you, my trip to Manchester, my six months in the UK in the United Kingdom on a student exchange, I was over there studying at university, it changed the course of my life forever. Now, that isn't just some throwaway phrase to try and build up these episodes. Like I can't stress enough, although I will, because I'm going to explain it in graphic detail in this episode and the two following. Um, my trip to the UK 100% changed the course of my life forever. It almost killed me, but it also, in the long run, has saved my life, essentially. But my God, what hell of a story it is, or at least it is to me, the significance can't be understated. Um, and the significance at the same time can't be overstated. Does that make sense? Anyway, whatever. What I'm trying to say is it is very important that I talk to you guys about this six-month period and the period before, which is what the focus of this episode is going to be, and the fallout after. Because the fallout after is where it gets really juicy, you know, like that's the real, oh, that is mental illness in full detail. As I said, very graphic detail, it's all coming. But today's episode, I want to set the scene and I want to explain a bit of what my life was like before this six-month period. Um, and then I'm gonna contrast that, especially in the third episode, about how it's changed everything moving forward. So, just to give a bit of background, like I said, my time in Manchester was spent, I was there for six months, and I was studying at university, studying psychology on a student exchange. And at that point, it was going to be, and for half of the trip, for the first three months, it was the highlight of my life. And it was very calculated. You know, this wasn't just I wanted to go overseas, have fun, you know, see the world, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, okay, that was part of it. But there was so much more to it. As with so much of the things that I do and the things that I feel and think, there is this extra significance that can be a good thing, but can also be very disastrous if it's used in the wrong way. So it's gonna be a big one because, like I said, this was life-changing. It was very much this trip very much, I guess, pulled the wool from my eyes so I could finally see what the hell was going on, what the hell was going on with me, and then what the hell my actions, behaviors, thoughts, emotions, all that, the impact that that was having on other people, and one person in particular, and that's where it gets very very juicy. I'll tell you what, it is oh man, and that's why I'm here at the beach talking about this stuff because there's still a lot of emotion, a lot of you know, there's there's some great memories, but I'll tell you what, there's some real tough ones, and it's the tough ones though, that's gonna be the defining feature of these episodes because it's those really dark moments that change the course of my life forever. So, Manchester Madness. Let's do a bit of a prelude. Let's talk about how things were before I went on this trip, and then in the next episode, I'm gonna talk about what

Why Manchester Changed Everything

SPEAKER_00 4:45

actually happened on the trip, and then the third episode, which is probably gonna be the most well, they're all important, but it's gonna be the real kicker, I think, is the fallout of the trip. So let's put it this way. So I've said before uh that on the podcast I want to delve more into the big moments of my past, and this is just about as big as it gets, and there's quite a few moments in one, you know, it wasn't just one thing happened, there was a series of massive things that happened. Um, so this is very important because if it wasn't for this trip, for example, there would be no podcast. If it wasn't for this trip, potentially I wouldn't even be here. If it wasn't for this trip, I would have had still no clue what was actually going on within my psyche and how my psyche at that point was trying, and the illnesses and the disorders that were present that I didn't know about at the time were trying to bring me down and ultimately destroy me. So, for example, the first episode of this podcast, which is a beauty, I highly recommend everyone listen to it. The first episode is the first time I went to hospital for my mental health, right? The psych ward, Diane, and me. And after speaking to Diane, although again I highly recommend listening to the episode, but that's when I finally realized hang on, you know, this mental illness thing isn't something that's sort of next to me, it is me, and it's time to wake up to this because there's real bad stuff going on, and we need to pull the handbrake on that before everything is destroyed. Um, so the psych ward episode takes place about I think it was about a month after I got back from the UK. So to put it in a bit of context, so after going to Manchester, I ended up in the psych ward for the first time, and as we know, I've been back there many times since, although not lately and never again, hopefully. Um, but that is a bit of the context in which this all occurs. So that first episode happened as part of the fallout of this trip of the Manchester Madness.

Two Diagnoses Before The UK

SPEAKER_00 7:00

So before going on this trip, right, let's look at diagnoses, the disorders I'd been diagnosed with. That illustrates pretty well, I think, how things changed after this trip. So before going to the UK, I had two diagnoses: generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Okay, they still um well the depression is mostly in remission now, which is great. The anxiety, as we know, certainly is not, unfortunately. Um, but if you've listened to enough of the episodes, you would know that I've since collected uh, you know, another five or six disorders, and all of them play their role, all of them are valid. Uh, because trust me, I've researched, I've gone through the hospital system many times, it's been confirmed by different people, by my research, all this sort of stuff, they're all valid. But before this trip, I only had generalized anxiety disorder and depression, supposedly. But we know that actually wasn't true. But I think that illustrates pretty well the difference that this trip made. Because without going to the UK to Manchester and experiencing the unbelievable highs and then the unbelievable lows, um, you know, I wouldn't have got the proper disorders diagnosed, and therefore the frameworks for recovery for these disorders. Because that's the thing, you know. Like I said, this trip really took the wool out of my eyes. I was running blind. I didn't know what was going on. All I know, all I knew was that life was shit. You know what I mean? Like I knew that bad things kept happening, and they seemed to be driven by, I don't know, being real emotional about things and reacting strongly. And that's why the generalized anxiety disorder and depression part didn't seem to fit. And I knew that, but I didn't, I wasn't aware enough to actually take the issue seriously or have the confidence to be able to investigate and believe that there was utility to seeing health professionals to get a better idea of what was going on because I had no idea what was going on. That's the thing. But I knew something wasn't right, and I knew that there were things happening that didn't fit the whole anxiety depression sort of model. But that was all I sort of knew, and I didn't have the confidence to investigate any further. So there's a big contrast straight off the bat. And like I said, without this trip, the rest of the disorders wouldn't have been diagnosed, um, and then the frameworks for recovery for each diagnosis wouldn't have been uncovered, and I wouldn't have been able to go on that journey, and then being in a position where I am now, although unbelievably anxious still, and still battle every day with my mental health, I am certainly now in a position where I understand what's going on, I know what there is that's going on in my mind, and once you know what there is, you can actually start to do something about it. But if you don't know it exists, you can't do anything about it because you've got no idea. It's invisible, although the effects may not be. So I was 27, I was in my second year at university, and I was sort of, you know, I didn't

Drifting Life And Money Warning Signs

SPEAKER_00 10:20

have any direction. There's a few signs for me personally where I know that I'm lacking direction, and this is something that other people report as well. This is nothing, you know, too groundbreaking, but certainly for me, these are warning signs, you know. The first one was I wasn't engaged at university. Now we all know my obsession and my love of psychology, and I was doing the psychology degree at that point in my second year, but my marks weren't particularly good, you know. And part of that's because I had undiagnosed ADHD, but also because there was no galvanizing vision that was driving me towards the overall goal, you know, the overall objective, the dream, if you will. So my marks were not particularly good, even though I was studying something that I love so much. That's a warning sign. Um, number two was my finances. This is the big one. You know, I was just spending money left, right, and centre. I was perpetually poor, you know, borrowing money off purchases to get by. And I wasn't really making much money to begin with, but you know, there was no impetus to be like, all right, I'm aiming for something, and finances and money are very important to get to this goal, like it basically is for every goal. You know, money helps. Money isn't everything, but it's a lot. So that was all out the window. And, you know, if someone said, Oh, what do you want to do when you graduate? I would have said, Oh, you know, be a clinical psychologist, I don't know. Yeah, that sounds about right. And as we know now, I don't want to be a clinical psychologist, but I never thought about that question and the implications enough because I wasn't, you know, there was no galvanized vision and way forward. It was just like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll do that, I'll figure that out later. It's like, no, if you're really pursuing something that is meaningful and has, you know, enough meaning and significance behind it to be your purpose, you don't just fob off questions like that and think, oh, I'll figure it out later. It's like, no. And I know that now because I do this now, which is you live and breathe if it's strong enough, especially if you're autistic, um, you live and breathe the mission, you know, that you're on. And that's what I do now, that's why I'm doing this. Um, but back then there was no mission, there was no idea. I was just floating around at the whim of the world and at the whim of my emotions, that I didn't know really what was going on. So when this opportunity came up to go on this exchange, all of a sudden I had a goal, I had something to aim at. So I was saving money. Um, I wasn't studying any harder because that was sort of irrelevant to going on this exchange. Because really, you know, I don't want to say it was all hedonistic, because as we'll find out in a minute, my motivations weren't purely hedonistic, but at the same time, um, it wasn't like it is today, the depth of significance. But this was something to aim at. I was like, all right, this six months, because often this is what happens, this could be life-defining, or so I thought, but not in the way that it actually eventuated. So there was something to aim at, and that's what I did. I was like, right, so I gave that everything, I saved every penny. You know, I used to go out drinking back then, wasn't that long ago. Um, you know, if we went to the pub with my mates, I wouldn't drink because I'd think, right, every beer that I don't have here in Australia, I'll have over in the UK. How good's that? So again, maybe a bit hedonistic, maybe a bit superficial, but there was evidence there that I was aiming at something, and the evidence was that I was happy to sacrifice things for the future. You know, that's a big part of that's why we make sacrifices. It the idea is that it's gonna pay off in the future, and that's what I was thinking. So that was a good science. All of a sudden, this six months in the UK was like, you know, this was like finally, this is great, this is something that's really exciting, this is something I'm gonna throw everything at it, it's gonna be brilliant. And for the first three months, it was. Um, but there was deeper, you know, I don't when I say hedonistic, I don't, it's for use of a better term, because there was more to it than just, you know, I'll save money so I can spend more over there and just get, you know, plastered and have a good time and you know, party and all that sort of stuff. There's more to it than that. More to it than than that. So as we know, I battled mental illness forever, I reckon. Like even as like a kid, a toddler, you know, I was very sensitive, I guess. You know, I was I was irritable a lot, uh, very shy. So, you know, all the sort of signs that there was something going on and would develop potentially, which is what happened in actuality, all the signs are sort of there. So make no mistake, my mental illness and mental illnesses didn't necessarily get well, they did get worse, but they were amplified, but it wasn't like they came from nowhere, they were always there. So you looked at my relationships before the UK, and look, it's me, it's BPD relationships, one in particular, is a big part of this story, but we'll get to that later. Um, as I almost slip over on a rock. I need to concentrate where I'm going. It's dark, by the way. It's dark because, of course, you know, do my best thinking when it's nighttime and when no one else is awake. That's the whole deal, you know. Like being awake when no one else is, no one can bug me. Um, anyway, this isn't about social anxiety. Well, in part it is, um, because that was certainly there. But what was I saying? Here we go. This happens every episode. See, here's the ADHD. I've completely forgotten about what I was talking about. Um, oh yes. So the yes, okay, I'm back. See, this is mental health in real time. And I say this long mouth say it again, but said it for a few episodes. If you can find a podcast that goes deeper, these more real, honest, genuine, fed income than this, you let me know because I don't

Hero’s Journey And Finding A Partner

SPEAKER_00 16:30

think it exists. Anyway, so leading up to this point, you know, I'd had some pretty bad depressions, you know, lots of opportunities were scuttled and ruined by anxiety and the other mental illnesses, although I didn't realise it at the time, I wasn't aware. Um, so very much I'd gone through what I thought, because even back then, I like you know, philosophy and and all that sort of stuff. So, you know, the hero's journey, for example, I'd felt like I'd been going through my hell, and there are a lot of broken relationships along the way that fed into this theory. Um, and this trip was going to be the rebirth of Elliot. You know, I was going to use this as the platform to get back on top out of my version of hell, even though later on I would go to a version of hell that was so much deeper that I didn't know existed. But anyway, it had to be done. But the idea was I'd go to the UK, I'd be able to fight my anxiety, my social anxiety, uh, even though I didn't realise that was the construct I was dealing with. And then I would come out the other side this confident, finally, finally, this confident Elliot that I'd been searching for for so long. And, spoiler alert, I'm still searching for, but anyway, be that as it may. So this trip had great significance. To me, this was part of the hero's journey. Now we know, you know, the old stories, that's probably not the best way to put it, but you know, like those real, those stories of the archetypes, you know, where I don't know, you go on an adventure and you go through some dark times on the adventure, and then you come out the other side with your reward, you know? Or I don't know, what's the story of the I don't know, is it the knight that goes into battle and then reaches the virgin in the tower, and then the virgin, his partner, is the reward, you know what I mean? Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for a virgin, but that's what the old stories sort of you know were about. But that's what I was trying to do. I was trying to go into battle, get to the tower, and find my partner. Now, that's a big part again of this story, of course. B per D. We know me and relationships, how it's so pivotal to everything I do. So at this point, I've been single for a while, and the whole loneliness thing, and the whole, you know, is there anyone out there for me and all this sort of stuff was a huge deal. And I was in Newcastle and I was stale. Actually, it's very similar to how I am now. Uh but anyway, um, back then, similar thing, very stale, needed a change because unless I changed, things weren't gonna change. You know, that makes sense. So, desperately alone, desperate for my partner, and I thought, if I can go overseas, battle my anxiety, become this confident person, I thought the you know, part of it would be I would find my partner, you know? And that's almost what happened. I used to joke to my friends before I went over, oh, you know, when I come back, I'm gonna bring my wife back with me. Well, let me tell you, I got very, very close. Painfully, excruciatingly close. Um, and this is what I mean. This wasn't just some hedonistic, I want to go over there and just get with all the chicks. Oh, that wasn't part of it, you know. There was it's deeper than that. It always has been with me, even if I pretended that that's not the case, because I would also joke, oh yeah, you know, I'm gonna put the Aussie accent on and I'm gonna say I'm I'm a surfer, even though I don't surfer, you know, I'm a surfer from the coast, you know, in Australia and all this, and get all the chicks. You know, yeah, yeah, that was sort of part of it too. But really, you know, deep down, I was talking to my mates one-on-one and stuff and getting real serious, or after I've had a few beers I allowed myself, even though I was sacrificing some in Manchester, you know, the the truth of the matter would come out, which is I'm looking for my wife. It doesn't appear that she's gonna be around here in Newcastle because I've tried and failed too many times. So if I go overseas, battle my dragons, battle the dragon, which is anxiety and lack of confidence, all that sort of stuff, I will be rewarded. I guess all you know, I will find the ability to attract my wife, and then I'll bring her back to Australia, and then all of a sudden my life is, I don't know about complete, but it's back on track, you know. So that was a huge deal, huge deal going into it. Because not uh about eight months before I was in a relationship uh over summer here in Australia, and that really well, they all let's be honest, they all crushed me, but that one did as well, and that one really knocked the stuffing out of me because again, I thought I found the one, you know, and it ended up falling flat on its face, and I was like, damn, this just ain't gonna happen. And then that's when I was like, right, if I do this big adventure, it's all gonna fall into place. You know, I just gotta battle my demons and I've got to win. I've been in the underworld for so long. This is the opportunity to get back on top, to reach the surface, and through my efforts, be standing at the end of it with my partner and with my dreams. Coming true. Alright. So make no mistake. Did I want to go to Manchester and, you know, watch Manchester City? Yes. And I did all that, and I'll talk about a little bit about that in the next episode. Did I drink too much? Yes, I did. Did I party? Yes. You know, yeah, I did all those things that students do, and you know, when you go traveling and all that sort of stuff, but there was this deeper, deeper undercurrent of significance that was driving all of it. Driving all of it. But that's the thing. That's the thing. It fell flat on its face. I fell flat on my face. And I went to depths I'd never been before. And it put me in a hospital multiple times. And I obsessed over the trip. I obsessed over the negatives. I would refuse to believe, well, not believe, I refused to, I guess, embody or put myself in those good moments because they were tarnished. They were ruined by the bad things that happened. The bad things that happened. But in the end, looking back now, quite a few years later, it's like, man, without this trip, things would have got even worse, you know? And maybe that trip was actually, you know, well, it was the turning point, it was needed, you know, the relationship explosion that occurred that I'll talk about later on. You know, that had to happen, unfortunately, which is unfortunate. It is, because this is a story very much dominated by borderline personality disorder, unfortunately. Of course it is. Love, relationships, explosion, complete

BPD Patterns And Relationship Damage

SPEAKER_00 23:40

despair, destruction everywhere. These are classic, this is the hallmark of BPD. This is the hallmark of so many moments in my life. But this one was huge because the stakes were so high. I had invested so much energy, significance, emotions, you know. Like I was obsessed with this trip. And when I was over there, I trust me, I gave it everything. Everything I had. I spent every dollar that I'd saved. I came back broke and depressed and suicidal and all that sort of stuff. But yeah, it's just such a BPD story, you know. Retroactive jealousy. I've spoken about that before, you know, where you're jealous of previous partners or previous romantic moments with others that your significant other or partner has engaged with before you, and you obsess about and think they must be better than me. If they wanted her, she'd go with that. Yeah, all that sort of stuff. Like that is, oh, it is at the core of this story. And like I said, it almost killed me, but the damage it did on one person in particular is just horrific. Um, and don't worry, she's she's alright. And I think I've I'm not gonna mention her by name, but I probably have on the podcast before. Um, but you know, we've spoken since and stuff, and like it's all good. I don't talk to her now, and you know, that's that's fine. Um, she's moved on, I've moved on. She's in a different country, I'm in a different country. Like, you know, there's no reason to talk anymore. That chapter is closed, and trust me, that's fine. That's all good. Um, but the good thing is that we'd spoke after it, and she has said, and I've said this before on an episode, standing right where I am right now, funnily enough, which is that she didn't hate me or anything. She just, like all my ex-girlfriends, actually, they just want me to get better and get over this BPD stuff, you know. There's no ill feelings, it's just so, as they have put it, so sad, you know, so disappointing that it all ended up like it did. But there's no blame, thank God, on me. The blame is squarely on BPD. And man, it's got a lot to answer for big time. And although I feel like it's in remission now, you know, the the after-effects of some of those moments previously are just you just can't. It's yeah, it's it's hard to describe the significance of that, and it's also hard to, I guess, bring back those memories because there is so much pain, and the worst part is the pain isn't just you know isolated to me. Because again, I've said this before, but it's so true. BPD is one of, if not the most destructive disorders for the people around the individual afflicted with it. It has, you know, it has aftershocks that go through all the people that are closest to you. And if your BPD, which often and I'd almost say most of the time it is, is really focused, well, basically always is focused on relationships, it's that person that's closest that gets hit the hardest, you know. And when I say hit the hardest, I mean like with emotions and negative, you know, all that sort of stuff. Um, and the worst part is that the person we beat, and me, this is me, I could just say me, but you know, there's no actual ill feeling towards that individual. It's just these thoughts, these obsessive thoughts that are so, you know, these intrusive thoughts that are at times so graphic. Um, they're the problem. It's not actually the individual, it's these, you know, these, oh, it's just, it's just hell. He's absolute hell. But that's the thing. I didn't even know what BPD was, and I was studying psychology. I didn't even know what BPD was until I went on this trip, until I finally got diagnosed, and obviously my obsession's taken over, and now quite, you know, I know quite a bit about it. Not just from my own personal experiences, which I would say makes me an expert on the matter, but also through my obsessive research and how to get over this thing, you know? Um, and before this trip, there was no idea about that. I had no idea about the autism thing that's going, well, not the autism thing, it's there that's going on. Even social anxiety, you know, the OCD thought loops I get in, um, the bipolar mania, which is such a like this Manchester trip, the first three, you could make the argument, and I've debated this within myself a lot, that the trip was very much the first three months was a bipolar manic episode, and the last was the crashing back to reality, the depression. Um, I think that's actually part of it. And as a result, I got a bipolar type two um diagnosis when I got back, among many others. But I think it was more than that. There was definitely the BPD was the main driver for sure, but it was all there, all of it was there, even the ADHD was there, you know, the impulsivity, it was it's just yeah, and like I said, I cannot stress enough how different life has been since this trip than before it. Before I had no idea what was going on, after it, I knew exactly what was going on, and it was very scary, it was terrifying, and in some ways it still is because I still have those, not so much the borderline personality stuff, but maybe that's because I'm single, because it does act differently when you're in a relationship, and that is the big test um how things go when you're in a relationship, and well, you know, haven't been one of them for a while, so it's hard to tell, but I still have those breakthrough moments with the other disorders, and it's like, oh geez, it still lives within me, goddamn, you know, and although I'm able to wrestle it and sort of control it, um, it's still very terrifying knowing that although most of the time maybe they're lying dormant because I'm forcing them in the corner and and usually I'm able not to let them get out, but you know, they still have their moments, and it's like, wow. But what's more terrifying is for these disorders to be running wild without any sort of restraint and without any awareness that they're even doing their thing and the you know potential consequences that are coming because they are just running the show, you know, they're ruling the roost. And that's why, although this trip, this six months and everything that happened almost killed me. And you know, I don't say that again, I don't say that just for shock value, like it did. Again, listen to that first episode, the psych war Diane and me. Um, although the after effects hung around for so long, the depression, like the depression after the trip lasted years, which I'll talk about later. But although that in itself

Why Naming Illness Saves Lives

SPEAKER_00 30:40

was terrifying, what's more terrifying is the potentiality of not knowing even that these disorders are lurking. Well, they're not even lurking, you know, they're controlling everything. There's no lurking, they were out in the open, but it's like they had an invisible cloak on because I didn't have awareness of what was going on. That's why it's so key for people to know what's going on, because without knowing what's going on and what is causing things to happen, the bad things to happen, you can't attack something that you don't even know it exists. Where do you look? Even if it's there right in front of you, which often it is, if you've got no ability to perceive it, you know, you're blind to it and you can't win. And that's what happens to people sometimes, you know, and that's what has happened for so long. That's why talking about mental health and mental illness, you know, everyone says mental health, but you know, let's talk about mental illness. I know there's stronger connotations of that term, but maybe we need to sort of face up to that. You know, that's why it's so important we talk about this stuff, and I guess why I do the podcast, because if you don't know what's going on, you can't attack it. And that means you're vulnerable, you're open, and we know what can happen. You know, we know even if even if an individual is able to, you know, stay away from the most what's the word, you know, stay away from suicide as a result of these illnesses, lives are ruined. People's potential is squandered, and people are basically living a life without life in it, you know, and you're not in control. It's hell. I did it for so long, so long, that was my life,

Wrap Up And How To Support

SPEAKER_00 32:30

you know, and I didn't know what was going on. But this trip changed everything. Absolutely everything. All right, that might do because I'm getting all fired up, and people are probably listening, and which is fine, but if you are listening, everybody, listen to the podcast, all right. I need those numbers, okay? I need the dopamine hit from people listening, all right. So, you know, listen to it back on the show, disregulated podcast, all right? Anyway, that'll do. That's part one, right? That's part one of a three-part series. And I don't think, you know, this episode, I reckon it's been pretty good, but this is just a warm-up. This is nothing compared to what's happening. And again, no podcast, I think, goes into the detail, especially what these next two episodes are going to bring, like this one. So if somebody may benefit from hearing my experiences, um, by all means, please share the show. Like I said, dopamine, come on, let's get some streams going. But I think that'll do for now. So that's the prelude to Manchester Madness. Because it was, it was just chaos, absolute chaos. Even at the positive end of things, when things felt when I felt invincible, bulletproof, it was still chaos, but it was chaos that I was riding and enjoying until it all fell apart. And my God, did it fall apart. All right, that'll do for now. Thank you everybody for listening. Uh, if you're enjoying the show, feel free, of course, to like, subscribe. Please give the show a great rating because that's good for the algorithm. And you can share it around with your mates. You can follow me on Instagram at elliott.t.waters. You can follow the show at thedisregulated.podcast. Uh, what else is there? There's the Facebook page. You can search the dysregulated podcast, and you can also listen on YouTube as well. All right, thanks everybody. I'll see you next time here on the potty. And I'll tell you what, we're just getting started. All right, see you later.