Car Ride Home And Nostalgia

SPEAKER_00 0:00

G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, today's episode is going to be a little bit different. Um, I'm in the car this time. I'm in the car, and I'm gonna do an episode as I drive around Newcastle because I'm back home. It's been a couple of weeks since I've been here because I've been out on the road on the highway, trucking along. So I'm back in Newcastle for the weekend, and I'm feeling very nostalgic. I've been driving around, there's a lot of memories that keep flooding in. I thought, you know what? It's about time I reckon I did a bit of an episode that sort of encapsulates some of those memories and experiences, and you know, the wins and the losses that I've had here in God's country in the steel city that is Newcastle, which of course is where I grew up, and I'm very proud to say that I am a Novicastrian. Um, but to say that everything ran smoothly here would be a lie. Uh, there's been some great times, but I'll tell you what, there's been some really difficult times. And like I said, all these memories keep flooding in, and they're all relevant to what I talk about here on the podcast. Uh so I thought instead of just driving around with the music playing and sort of just, you know, doing what I usually do when I get back home, which is just drive around, go past my old places, my old haunts, I suppose, and and think about the good times and the bad and the lessons that have been learnt from such times. I thought, you know what, instead of just thinking about it, I might actually start recording and talk about it. Um, because I think it will add a lot of context into the person that I am. Um, because you know, like this is the Steel City, and Elliot Waters was searched, sorry, certainly forged here in Newcastle, and I want to tell you some stories all about it. Um, it's not gonna all be bad, but it's not gonna all be good either. So, you know, strap yourself in because I don't really know where, like like just about all the episodes I do on here, I don't really know where they're gonna go until I'm sort of doing it. And uh as far as where I'm gonna be driving around today for this episode is the same sort of principle applies, which is I don't really know where we're headed, so this could be fun. Um, so yeah, we'll see how we go. So, bit of context um for this episode. Like I said, I've been away for a few weeks because I've been trucking around all through, well, starting Victoria a month ago, been going around New South Wales, and I've also now branched out into Queensland. So I've been doing loads from Brisbane to Taree in return all week, and I uh spent some time at the Toowoomba depot, and I'll be there again next week. Now I don't know if I'm headed north, south, east, or west, but there is a chance I could be going further into Queensland, which is pretty good. So, as far as I'm concerned, that means now officially I am an interstate truckey. It's official, all right? Newly minted, very, very newly minted, but I'm claiming it. So, but anyway, that's not the story of this particular episode, but there's gonna be a lot of stories to tell. Oh, yeah, and one thing too, um I've got to thank my parents for making this episode happen uh in in more ways than one. But as you can well, I don't know if you know, but driving a B double truck, right? A B double that's that's pretty big time, you know. Um, you know, that's two trailers, so it's not just a semi-trailer, it's bigger than that. Um, and it is very difficult to get a truck. In fact, you can't do it, you can't really get a truck to mum and dad's place um at all. So I've parked the truck at the customer that I loaded up at this morning up at Maitland. So thank you to dad for making the drive out to Maitland, about an hour with traffic to pick me up. Um, and then thank you to mum for allowing me to drive her car and make this episode possible as well. So thank you, mum and dad. Uh, all right, so we're gonna start here at the University of Newcastle, Callahan campus. So I'm here because I just met with my boss, Sochi Professor Miles Young, talking about the plan ahead as far as my research commitments, projects, and plans are concerned, which is exciting. There'll be more about that in a future episode coming soon because I want to give you all a bit of an update on all the little projects. Well, they're not little, they're actually quite large, and I'm finding it difficult to devote the time to them that I need to, but anyway, I'm working on that. Um, but we're gonna start here at the university.

Uni Grind And Imposter Syndrome

SPEAKER_00 4:44

So, as you would be aware, if you've listened to the potty enough, I am a graduate in psychology here at the university. I am a researcher in psychology here, and um a lot of oh tell you what, the uni put a lot of pressure, not the university itself, but as you can imagine, trying to get an honors degree in psychology is not easy. It's not easy at all. And some of my darkest times were here in the wee hours of the morning trying to finish assignments um here at the uni, doubting everything, you know, whether I should be doing it at all, whether I was capable, all that sort of stuff. You know what I'm like, you know, imposter syndrome, inocritic, all that sort of stuff. The university was fertile ground for my mental illnesses, let's put it that way. And again, it's not the university's fault. I I am such a proud alumni of the University of Newcastle, and I'm proud to say that I'm still here working as a researcher. Um there's no two ways about it. Getting a degree is not easy, and getting a degree when you're battling complexities with your mental health, like I was and to a lesser extent am today, um, but lesser, not not, you know, I haven't nullified that unfortunately, but you know, not to the same degree. Um degree. Uh, but uh the university, yeah, like I said, a lot a lot of time was spent here during the night trying to get assignments done because I'd procrastinated so much thanks to my ADHD and more, and just the doubt that I carry constantly. Um, but it is good to come back to the uni on the other side of all of that, um, because I do come back here a lot more confident in my abilities and what I've achieved, and actually accepting of the fact that I have achieved things here which are worthy, and that's pretty cool. Um, but the university, I'll tell you what, yeah, like I said, you know, there were times where I would leave here and I'd go to the Martin Hospital, which is where we're going next. Um, and the Martin Hospital, like I've said on previous episodes, but very briefly, is the the place that you go when you're in major distress mentally. It's where the acute ward is. Uh, and I've spent a bit of time there, that's for sure. So, but the universities hold a special place because you know, on paper, I shouldn't have been able to achieve what I did, and yet I was able to do it. And not only that, I was able to then win awards for my work. I was able to be a part and am a part of a research team that is making great change or is working towards great change in a way that is actually going to be successful. Um, which again is another episode I'll be doing soon on the importance of lived experience when it comes to research and science. Um, but I am so proud to be an alumni and a member of the University of Newcastle. But man, there were some dark times just sitting at the computer, just me. Everyone else had gone home. It's like 4 a.m. and I'm trying to do a statistics assignment and just thinking, what am I doing? I can't do this, I can't hack it. And there were times, like I said, I had to go to the Mata Hospital because things got real bad. Um, but hey, I was able to get through that and achieve what I set out to achieve, and that is a bit of a I guess a theme in my life, um, which I'm pretty proud of. The fact that you know I haven't been dealt the greatest hand when it comes to my my psyche, but I keep just getting it done, and I suppose being a trucke as well, this latest sort of adventure that I'm on, um, is another example of that. Uh, and you know, I'm proud to say that I guess in many ways I've personified resilience, and that's pretty cool. So the uni has been a place of great achievement, but also some unbelievably dark times. So, as

The Marta Hospital And Hope

SPEAKER_00 8:38

we leave now the uni, I'm headed towards the Martyr Hospital. Now, like I said, the Martyr Hospital, this is not the place you want to end up. You do not want to end up at the Martyr Hospital if you can help it. Partly because if you do end up here, it means things have gone really, really wrong. Um, whether it's, you know, and and most of the time it's no fault of your own. It wasn't any fault of mine, I don't think, but you know, you don't end up in hospital for a good time, let's put it that way. Um, but in saying that, you would much prefer to end up here at the MARTA and admitted onto the acute ward than the possible alternative, that's for sure. So, you know, the MARTA Hospital is not a fun place, okay. Even by standards of um mental health care, I suppose, you know, it is not it's not good. All right, like don't get me wrong, it saved me more than once, but at the same time, it is not a good experience. And there have been times where I've actually left there and felt, at least in the short term, felt worse because it's a scary place, you know. Like you walk, you go in there, and first off, it's scary because the whole world is scary at that point, and you're questioning whether you know you're fit for this world, whether it's um worth keeping on, keep going, you know, is it worth it? And thankfully, if you end up at the martyr by your own volition, it's because there is an element of hope left, or else you wouldn't be there. But I knew walking in those doors, it would be you know, it's just it's chaos because the people that are there are people like me. You know, their lives have not gone the way that they thought or hoped that they would. And there's people in there that are questioning whether it is the right decision to keep going on, and nobody in that frame of mind is presenting, you could say, the best version of themselves, and that can be very, very confronting, especially when you realize that you are the same, you are the same, and it took a while for me to figure that out. But if you listen to the very first episode of this podcast, the cycle of Diane and me, that was the turning point when I realized that I was one of these people. And when I say these people, I'm not saying they in a negative way, you know. When I say these people, these are the toughest son of a guns you'll ever meet, you know, and some of the best people with the strongest characters that just don't realise the value that they have, you know, and it's it's devastating. And it was certainly devastating when I realised that that was me. God damn. So the Martyr Hospital, geez, you know, there's been so many times I've been walking here again at like 3 a.m. Walking there and and then turning around thinking, nah, it's done, and then turning around again, and then eventually finding my way in there. And you know, you'd walk in there and your mind is just scrambled, you know, it's just it's just completely messed up, or else you wouldn't be going there. So I'd walk in there and I'd I, you know, you'd be barely able to speak. They're like, what's your name? I'm like, I don't know, Elliot Waters, you know, just hearing my name, it was like yuck, you know, makes me sick because at that point I hated the person that I was, even though I was a pretty good person. I just couldn't see it because that's what these mental illnesses do, you know, they cloud your judgment and they tell you things that aren't true, falsehoods, but they make you believe them. Thankfully, I didn't believe them with my whole being, um, or else I probably wouldn't be here. Um, but yeah, the Martha Hospital, man, just the amount of times I've been here in just the worst way, and then you'd walk in and you're in the waiting room with people who are in the same frame of mind, but in their own way, you know, manifesting. Oh, here we go. The first person's already cut me off. Yeah, so this is something that you all right, here we go. Let's get away from the martyr for a second, or else I'll get back there shortly because there is a good thing about the martyr that happened to me many years ago, about 35 years ago, actually, almost 36 years on the 25th of October this year. But I'll get there in a minute. But this is the thing, right? When I first got my license, I'm 35 now, so yeah, a fair while ago. If people would push in and merge, people will give you a wave, and you'd be like, Yeah, no worries, sweet, all good. You know, that's fine. But now, nowadays, people just push in and no one gives you a wave, no one cares. They're like, No, I don't care about you, I just worry about myself because everyone's so selfish. God makes me so angry. Anyway, anyway, so the Martyr Hospital, the good thing. So they don't do this at the Martyr anymore, which is a shame because that means now everything's just all native, really. Um, which I guess is what hospitals are all about. Like I said, you don't go there for fun. Um, but I was actually born at the Martyr Hospital. Yes, it's true. 25th of October 1990. That's right, 25th of October, put in your calendar because it's the big dog's birthday, and I was actually born at the Martyr Hospital. So there you go. So I've spoken a lot about the Martyr on this podcast, but I've never mentioned the fact that my life actually began there. My life, I suppose, almost ended there on a few occasions, or at least leading up to getting there. Um, but my life actually began at the Martyr. So there you go. So it's not all bad. There's a life lesson in that somehow, that it's not always bad, and you can find the good, so they reckon. But at the Marta Hospital, the good is that I was born there, and what a great thing that was. All right, so now leaving the MARTA, let's go on from the Martha Hospital. Where am I headed now? This is a thing. I don't know if it's the ADHD or what, but when I'm, you know, like I'm obviously concentrating on driving because I'm a professional driver. Um, but as far as actually knowing where I'm headed when I'm, you know, whether it's on the phone or I'm doing an episode like this, I tend to get sort of, especially when I'm not really headed anywhere in particular, um, I tend to get distracted, and that's what's happened because we're back at the university again, and that wasn't the plan. So let's keep driving away from the uni. Um, but yeah, the uni to the marder, the marder back to the uni, that sort of was my life there for a couple of years. Um, and yeah, I wouldn't say it was easy, but I still knew that when I was in the grind, you know, I knew deep down, even if I couldn't bring it to consciousness necessarily in any specific moment, I knew that this is what I needed to be doing. Even if it meant going to hospital, I just had to keep grinding, you know. I just had to keep on trucking. And God did I do that, how good's that? So we're now headed towards, well, we're headed towards Wall's End. I don't really have, I've got stories from Wall's End, I suppose, but they're not really relevant. So I need to head back towards the city because that's where a lot of the juice is gonna be in this episode, all right? Um, you know, places like Newcastle Beach that I've spoken about here before, where a lot of my deepest thinking processes have occurred. Um, but at present we're driving away from it. So let me, we're at the roundabout, let me head towards, we're gonna head towards Wall's End, but then we're gonna loop it back around towards the Newcastle City or head towards town, as we used to say. I'm

Why I Left Newcastle

SPEAKER_00 16:12

going back into town. I don't know if people say that as much anymore. They should, but I don't think they do, which is part of the changing identity of the city, which is not really in keeping with how I want to see the city go. That's the thing, right? You know, like I'm driving around right now, I've got my Newcastle Knights jersey on because the knights are playing tonight. Um, and you know, I talk about how here is God's country and it's the steel city and how proud I am to be from here, and you know, one day I'm gonna be Lord Mayor of the city, and you know, people when they meet me for the first time and I start going on about newly, which I do a lot, um, as you would be aware, you know, people sort of think I'm joking. There's no jokes in this, you know. I believe all of this. Don't get me wrong, Newcastle has its issues, and if we head towards Mayfield, I'll talk all about it. But you know, I love this place, I do, and I am a proud Novicastrian, and I am proud to say that I'm from here, but you know, it's not all good news, and there's a reason why I went back to trucking. There's a reason why I was more than happy to seek out employment with a transport company, and I chose Dawson's Hawley specifically. Again, that'll be an episode down the track or down the road. Um, but I needed to get out of Newcastle again. I did. Um, I've moved around a little bit, I lived in Tamworth for a bit, lived in the Blue Mountains west of Sydney. Um, I I lived overseas in Manchester and the United Kingdom for six months when I was doing some uni work over there. Um, so you know, I moved around a bit. As much as I love Newy, you know, things started getting a bit stale for me, and that's why I had to leave. That's why I moved to Wadonga, Victoria, although I haven't been there for weeks. Um, and that's why I chose to do uh well, partly that's one of the reasons I chose to get back in interstate truck driving this time to do it properly, um, because I needed to get away. Maybe it's because the memories were becoming a bit much, I'm not sure. Um, but I did choose to leave on purpose. And although I do talk about all the time how great Newcastle is, and you know, and I do, and and people at work, you know, there's this misconception that oh, Elliot's dying to get back to Newcastle as much as he can, you know, we'll try and get him back up there. And don't get me wrong, that like, you know, I do like coming back home, and I do appreciate the fact that work do what they can to get me home as much as I can, and I'm able to watch Newcastle Knights games at McDonald Jones Stadium, which we'll go past soon. Um, and that's brilliant, but there's no two ways about it. I chose to leave um on my own volition, um, and I'm happy that I did it, and I'm still needing to be away because that's the thing, right? I drive around Newcastle, and these memories that I have, they're memories, they're in the past, and the good ones are in the past too. This is the thing, right? And this is no, you know, no shade on my friends or anything like that. It's not, trust me, it's not. But the fact is, my circle is moving away from the circles that I used to have here very rapidly, and they were moving away and diverging very rapidly long before I left. Because that's the thing. Most of the I'm 35. Most people at 35 seem to be, well, it's not seem to be, they are. They're married, they have children, they have mortgages, you know, they have their full-time employment here, their roots are cemented here in Newy. Um, but it's not with me, you know, it's with their wife, it's with their children, which is great, it's fair enough, and I'm happy for it. My M. But the fact is, I don't have any of those things. I've got none of those. So when I come back to town, you know, what I would like to do is catch up with people for a beer, but there's no one to catch up with anymore. There's no one to catch up with, and I've gone through Tinder multiple times, I've cycled through, made a new profile, cycled again, same with Hinge. You know, there's just not that much here for me anymore. Or at least not now, not in my current context, you know. So that's the thing. That's why I chose to leave Newcastle, and that's why I still need to be away, although I do love coming back. But I do not want, for example, to come back and work here during the week, be on weekends. That's that's not that's not where I'm headed. Maybe down the track for sure, you know, 100%. But now, nah, that's not the way my life is going. And I'm glad that I made that decision because I was getting stale. It felt like I was treading water, and all it was doing was making me more and more and more depressed. And as we know, I have a bit of a predisposition towards that sort of depressive mood, and I did not need any part, although there's only so much you can control, but there was that element of control when it comes to this idea that I was just here treading water, not achieving really that much, and just longing for the old days that are never gonna come back. So I had to, well, I guess I had to reinvent myself, and that's what I've done. So, anyway, that is that is not really what I was going to talk about in this episode, but I had to fill in a bit of time there because I just gone, like I said, back to the uni, back past the martyr, been there, done that. Let's keep on going. Alright, so now I'm headed towards, where am I headed towards? I'm headed back towards town. Um, very soon I'll be going past McDonnell Jones Stadium, home of the Newcastle Knights. Now I've had some unbelievable memories at that stadium, right? You know, like I you won't find a bigger Newcastle Knights supporter than me. You know, like I've been to quite a few home games this year and I've driven thousands. Of kilometres to get there, you know. Like I get the games, I've had like no sleep, I'm just absolutely cooked, but I make the effort to go, I take my banner, the Pride of the Hunter banner, because I love the Newcastle Knights. I'm obsessed, I've got red and blue flowing in my veins. Um, but you know, there's been some tough times at the stadium as well. And this isn't really mental health related, this is just being obsessed with a football team that admittedly, over the last well, since 2001, when we last won our grand final, I was in year five, and there's been a lot of lean times, there's been a lot of wooden spoons, and I always say to people, you know, I'm a diehard knight supporter. In some ways, I wish I wasn't, but I am, and that's just the way it is. But I'll tell you what, being a supporter of the Knights, it is character building. It is character building because there's been some very lean years, but I also qualify that statement with saying, you know, I'd like to think I have a lot of character now. So how about we put the character building thing up on the shelf and let's get a premiership to put next to it on the shelf as well. So come on, knights, come on, just have a lot of bearing on my mental health, no pressure or anything. But one of my best antidepressants is the Newcastle Knights Victory. So there you go. But yes, McDonald Jones Stadium. My

Knights Fandom And City Change

SPEAKER_00 23:20

goodness, I've spent some time there, and hopefully there's plenty more of that to come. So driving now past the stadium. Um, now one thing I've noticed about Newcastle that you know I'm not very happy about is that my posters for the podcast are disappearing. So if you follow me on Instagram, whether it's the podcast, thedisregulated.podcast on Instagram, or probably more so um my personal Instagram account, which feel free to follow that too, which is at elliott.t.waters, you would have seen over the years that I put up posters for the podcast on every single telegraph pole that I find. So it's not this Newcastle, there's ones all over I guess New South Wales, there's a few in Victoria, a few in Queensland, um, and there's going to be more depending on where I go in the trucking game. Because when I pull up at rest stops and there's a beautiful telegraph pole there, it's just begging for one of my posters, and I keep posters in the truck and my staple gun, boom, they go up. But that's the thing, like everywhere in Newcastle you would go. Um, and some of you listening, hopefully, have started listening because you saw these posters around. I thought, oh yeah, I'll give that a go. Um, Newcastle was covered in them, and it was a bit of a I don't know if it was an urban legend, so well, maybe it was in some ways. People used to say, mate, I see your posters everywhere and all this. I was like, Yeah. Um, and I used to say, People, I uh I I had that podcast, yeah. You might see it on those posters around town. People go, Oh, is that you? I see that I see them everywhere, mate. I tell you what, there's a lot of work going into that. And I'd have to say to people, mate, that's the power of autism. You know, that is the power of autistic fixations. Um, because one of the my favourite things, I love putting those posters up, but that's the thing, they're disappearing because I haven't been around much over the last few months to be putting them up. So that's the priority now. I've got to put more of them up because they're they're they're dwindling in number. I'm not happy about that. So now we're driving. I'll tell you what, we're not really driving through the areas that I wanted to that have the bigger stories. We're getting there, don't worry, we're getting there. But so if you're still listening, thank you. And there's it's all coming, trust me. Um, but we're going through Broadmeadow now. And to be honest, I should have probably gone the other way through Broadmeadow, but whatever, we'll loop back around. Um, about to go past the entertainment centre, which is um one of the more embarrassing parts of the city. Uh, the entertainment centre is essentially an old barn, and uh the music when they got concerts and stuff there, it echoes terribly and oh man, it's shocking. Terrible, terrible venue for for music. But rumour has it they're going to be building a new 12,000 seater um, I don't know, superdome thing for the city. So, about time, about time. If I was Lord Mayor, it would have already happened, I'll say that much. So, we're driving now, we're starting to get towards now where the stories are. This is good. I'm starting to feel it now as we drive past the entertainment centre. There it is on the right. Um, on the left is I can't remember what that park's called, but I should because when I played cricket, I played one season of cricket, and you know, everything I touch turns the gold. And we won the premiership that year in cricket. And look, I'll be honest, there wasn't much contribution from me. There was a bit of chirp out in the outfield for me. I was pretty good at that. Um, but I wasn't much of a bowler, I certainly wasn't much of a batter, but it was a good time. I think it was D-grade, and we won the premiership. And at that park across the road from the entertainment centre is where we won. There was a big celebration after that. Let me tell you, the lads got on it, it was pretty good, and I was talking myself up as being a key member of the team that ensured that we won the uh the premiership that year, even if maybe I was telling a few tall stories and I wasn't fooling anyone, that's for sure. Um, so now we're driving towards uh Mayfield.

Mayfield Monastery And Substance Use

SPEAKER_00 27:17

Now Mayfield, Mayfield, my god, Mayfield is very much, you know, it epitomizes the working class nature of Newcastle. It's pretty rough. Now it's starting to have, or it's undergoing a bit of a transformation because it is gentrifying, because as Newcastle has grown and expanded, Mayfield has gone from just being, you know, like a satellite suburb of the city to now an inner city suburb. So as you can imagine, there's a bit more money rolling in the joint, but it hasn't lost its character, and a lot of the character is built on characters that you could say, uh, you know, doing it tough, let's say, doing it tough. Some people would say Mayfield is full of crackheads and meth heads. I wouldn't really say that's not true, but at the same time, um, you know, I'm let's be honest. You know, in these podcasts that I stick up for the battler, and often people are battling like that because of mental health things, you know, whether it's trauma in their past, which it often is, um, or just other mental health complexities, and trying to find a way to get a handle on things. Now, that's the thing, I don't look down, you know, if I drive down Maitland Road at Mayfield, there's Yummy Pearl walking, which I did earlier, there's people walking on the road, there's people that aren't necessarily on the same planet as the rest of us, as you could say. And a lot of people look down on those people. And again, those people are me, that's been me, maybe not to that full extent, but again, there's a lot of times I've walked down Maitland Road in Mayfield, um, you know, absolutely tanked uh on multiple substances and in a terrible headspace. A lot of the time I was walking to the Marta Hospital, but a lot of other times I was just trying to get out of whatever it was that my life, you know, that, or my reality, let's say, whatever my reality was, just absolutely terrible. And I tried everything, and I'll admit, I tried substances for sure. I've spoken at length about on the podcast, and I will um some more, I'm sure, down the road. The good thing is now I'm not on any of them now, and I haven't been for ages, like it's been years, and it's great. Um, but look, I'm not gonna deny my past for sure. Um, I've never been, maybe to the extent that some are, uh, and some are unfortunately, you know, that is now their life. I never quite got to that point, but yeah, for sure, there there were there were binges that lasted for days, and I was just an absolute mess, you know, and I'd end up at the hospital and as an absolute mess. And, you know, oh, have you taken anything? And I'd just lie through my teeth. No, no, I just had a few drinks, I'm just pissed off at the world, which was true, but there was more than that going on, and dang it right, the doctors and the nurses aren't idiots, they know that, but you know, I wasn't giving anyone any information. Um, you know, I hated the world, I hated everyone in it. So why would I, you know, tell anything more than I had to? I didn't want to be there anyway, you know. It's like I was just on cruise control and ended up back at the martyr. It's just what used to happen. But yes, Mayfield, now I lived in Mayfield. I lived in a place that was the monastery, an old monastery. So it wasn't a monastery when I lived there, um, but it used to be a monastery. So it was, it was like a it was essentially a halfway house, really. It was, it was a yeah, it was it was dingy. It was there were some characters that lived there. Um, that's for sure. I guess I was also one of them. But yeah, a lot of my degree I did at the monastery. I was in room 32, and it was like a really dilapidated run-down um hotel halfway house thing. As I said, I was in room 32, and I think there was about 40 rooms. Um, and this is the sort of room where you have your own base and your own little fridge and a bed, and that's it. You know, and there were common areas where the carpet was all ripped up and there were burn marks everywhere, and let's be honest, there are a lot of people living there that were, you know, unfortunately were um suffering from substance abuse disorders. And you know, I always look at substance abuse disorders as a symptom of something far greater, and again, that's where things like trauma and and mental illness and all that comes into it. Um, but yeah, at times I that was me too, you know. I was absolutely abusing my amphetamine medication. I was, yeah, and there was more than that, you know, there was there was I get I don't know, let's be honest, yeah. I was abusing prescription medication that wasn't prescribed, like painkillers, um, you know, opiates like endone and stuff, and there's more drinking heaps, and and at the same time I was doing a degree. Can you believe that? Um, but you know, I always sort of kept my head enough that although I knew what I was doing, which was I was using these substances as a crutch to try and you know wrestle my mind into gear somehow to get the things done I needed to achieve. And the thing is, in many ways it worked, but in many ways it certainly didn't and made things a lot worse. That's why I stopped doing it because you know, thankfully I was in the frame of mine, I was able to, you know, I guess evaluate and do a cost-benefit analysis, if you like, on what was going on. I was like, all right, this isn't working, you know. If I zoom out from the moment that I'm in and zoom out at the things I want to achieve and how I'm going about and whether it's gonna produce the results I'm hoping for, it just wasn't gonna happen. So, but when I lived at the monastery, it was yeah, it was pretty dark, it was pretty dark times, that's for sure. But I met some great people who are really suffering. Man, they were suffering, some of them, but just great people, you know. In many ways, you know, everyone used to say, Oh, you know, you you sound, you talk like you're so educated, you're doing your your degree, your thesis, and all this. And in some ways, people thought I was a bit different from the rest, but you know, when it came down to it, I was the same, you know, in many ways. And and I was, you know, I was proud of that, you know, soul to the earth, dinky die Aussie sort of stuff, you know. Um, I'm not ashamed of who I was and who I am. And when I was living at the monastery, I was suffering big time. And I was with a group of people who were also sorry, suffering big time. And there was a bit of camarader in that, you know, it was like, man, you know, it's us against the world. And I I really, really enjoyed living there because although it was dingy, although it was just, you know, it was rough, rough as guts. You know, if I wanted to stay in that room and I didn't want to talk to anyone for a few days, which often happened because, you know, I'm an introvert, I'm I'm I have autism. I don't particularly like, as a general rule, you know, social interactions because it's always hard work, because it doesn't come naturally. The monastery in Mayfield was a great place where I could just hide for days at a time and just hide from the world, and often just sit on my laptop and do my degree. Um, or sit on my laptop and just research, research obsessively about what I was going through and trying to find the answers to my own predicament. Um, so you know, my friends and stuff, you know, they still say, I don't know how you live there, mate, it was a shithole. And it was. But for the frame of mind that I was in at that time, I needed to live at a place like that. Um, you know, with people that understood and also understood if I wanted to disappear for a few days and just stay in my room, you know, because I had my fridge, had me wash basin, had the bed, TV, had a table for my laptop. That's all I needed. That's all I needed. So, yeah, but there were a lot of nights there where I'd come home on a Saturday night, it'd be who knows what time. And ordinarily you'd come home and if it's 4 a.m., you know, people would be asleep, but not me. I was awake, and so were a lot of people that I live with, and yeah, it was a good time. It was a tough time, but it was a good time looking back. Um, now I've driven from Mayfield, I'm heading towards the city. I'm

Cambridge Hotel Underbelly Stories

SPEAKER_00 35:04

now at the Cambridge Hotel. So I worked at the Cambridge Hotel for seven years. Um, the Cambridge Hotel was Newcastle's premier live music venue, it was the place to be, and it was the sort of place where you were proud to say you worked there. There is so much history at this venue. Um, you know, everyone that's lived in Newcastle or is from here has a story about the Cambow. You know, so many people met their wives or husbands at the Cambh, you know, it's just that sort of place. Unfortunately, the Cambridge Hotel is now shut, which is an absolute travesty. And I always said, keep it open because it was gonna shut for a while. Um, and a lot of it a lot of the time while I was working there, so we all knew it was coming. But um, I always said just hang on, I haven't earned me billions yet, but when I do, I'm gonna buy this venue and keep it going. Even if I'm running at a loss, I don't care. It's that integral to the character of this city, and it's that integral to the character of me. Because I tell you, it was hard working here, you know, working in a nightclub. Um, because I started work there because I lost my licence and I was driving garbage trucks at the time, and so obviously, without a licence, I couldn't drive a garbage truck. Now, very briefly, my dad worked for Carlton United Breweries and he used to be a beer plumber. So essentially he'd set up all the all the all the taps and all the beer lines and do, you know, and all the pubs and maintain them. So he was very good friends with the owner of the Cambridge Hotel, who I am now good friends with as well. Um, and he basically, you know, asked for the favour, can you give me a young blank a job? And so I did. So as a 28-year-old who was too old to be working in a nightclub, although it was live music as well. By that point, you know, predominantly it was a nightclub full of 18, 19, 20-year-olds. Um so I was working there as a glassy and working on the floor and filling fridges and doing it all, serving drinks, and um, I had a great, I loved working here, but geez, it was hard. Especially when I was in my really depressed episodes. Because I'd be walking around and you know, it was so triggering because you see young people hooking up with each other, and that was the sort of stuff I was obsessed with about my past, you know, about whether I hooked up with enough people because I was looking for validation at that point, so it was very triggering, and I'd see people, um, relationships breaking apart in front of me, I'd see people fighting, and you know, the worst of people, the real primal animalistic part of people would come out because everyone was just absolutely off their heads. A lot of people having a good time, but a lot of people weren't. And I used to really see the underbelly, the seedy side of humanity in some ways. Um, I guess I saw a bit of that in hospital, I guess I saw a bit of that, you could say, at the monastery, but I saw a bit of that here working at the Cambridge Hotel as well. Um, and in many ways it was quite triggering. Uh, but it was also, again, it was great. I loved it here. It was a privilege to, like I said, to say that I worked at the Cambridge Hotel, and you know, the licensee that got me the job, my friend Drew Russell, like, you know, he looked after cheesy looked after me because he he knew I was struggling at times, and geez, he just, you know, it was real sort of arm around the shoulder sort of stuff, and I can't thank him enough. Um, but you know, when I was really depressed, you know, I'd I it'd be 4 a.m., right? Picture this, and I've got me hand down a toilet. So what we used to do to unclog toilets, you don't ring a plumber, you do it yourself. And toilets used to get clogged all the time. People would drop everything in there from, but mostly it was like schooner glasses and stuff, and it would just get clogged, and everyone didn't give a crap, and used to literally crap and vomit and everything else just into it, they'd be overflowing, absolute mess. And it was up to the glassies, the unsung heroes, to unclog them. So, what you used to do is to get two of those big garbage bags, you double bag your arm up to the shoulder, you'd put your arm in, you know, at least elbow deep, probably further, and you do it if it was really deep, you get to your shoulder, you make sure that bag was nice and high and wasn't falling down, you'd turn your head away and try and pivot your head away from the bowl as much as you could, and then you just go searching for whatever's there, and then you pull it out. Your garbage bag would be covered in well, you know, human excretement from everywhere, from every angle, from every orifice. Um, you'd then fold the bag over your hand, which had usually a schooner glass or a little seven glass in it, and you tie it up, you'd make sure you didn't get anything dripping on your shoes, which just happened to me a bit, um, because I didn't have the best technique when I first started. And then you'd go out to the bin and you'd put in the bin and then you'd move on. You grab your bucket, you go around and start picking up cups and start serving drinks. That's what you used to do. Don't worry, any cup that used to end up in the toilet went straight to the bin. We didn't wash it and reuse it. And of course, even if I didn't get any excretment on my hands or anything, I used to scrub big time before I'd get back on the floor and get stuck into it. But that was the life, you know, and there'd be times at 4 a.m. would be shut and you're unclogging the toilets, and I'd just think, man, what have I done to be in this point? You know, but I don't know, there was a bit of again camaraderie, you know, there was a bit of pride in the fact that you do that sort of stuff. 99% of people wouldn't go near that. And we used to have glasses that would start and they'd refuse to do it, and they'd be like, sorry mate, that's part of the job. Like it's not fun, but as part of the job, that's it. That's what you sign up for. And if you don't like it, that's fine, but this ain't the job for you. So we used to cycle through glasses a lot, but I worked there, like I said, for seven years. And the amount of toilets I used to unclog, it was it was horrifying, really. But I don't know, like I said, the job before that, I was a garbage truck driver, and so maybe I don't know, maybe I'm built different, what can I say? Um, but yeah, the Cambridge, great times, great memories overall, but it was very triggering at times, and it was just hard because you know you finish at 4 am, and mentally that's not good for you for anybody. Um, but you know, if you're already in a depressed episode and it's significant, well, you can imagine getting home from work at 5am, your ears ringing, because I was too tough to wear earplugs, you know, so I'd just you know go without. Um, covered in alcohol from people spilling drinks when you're just you know, just drooping with sweat because it was hard work. Geez, it was hard work. Um, but great memories, great memories, but very difficult at times for my mental health. There's no two ways about that. I will be doing a full episode on the came bow because that is just that's a very brief overview of some of the experiences and memories I've had here because there's been some great ones. Some of the bands we used to have were just unreal. Like, this is where Silver Chair started, you know. Silver Chair, unbelievable. They started at the Cambridge Hotel. If you go on Spotify, you'll find their album live at the Cambridge Hotel. I think it was 1996, I think. Um, you know, there is so much history at this venue, and it's a disgrace that it's closed. Um, and as I drive past it now or leaving it, I parked out the front. Like it is derelict, it's covered in graffiti, and it's not it's not as it should be because it is an absolute icon of this city, it's an absolute icon of my life, and I just wish I had more money, people. I wish I had the money, I would have bought the venue and ran at a loss, I wouldn't care because it's that you know, it's part of the fabric of the joint of me. So if there's anyone out there that's listening that's got lots of money that wants to hand it over to someone who's not gonna waste it, I promise. Um, please let me know because I am looking for financial backers for the podcast. Anyway, all right, let's head further into town. Let's head further into town. So we're now going past there's the Newcastle Interchange, which is the train station. Um, so we're gonna head further in. Next up is the University of Newcastle New Space Campus. So briefly, as much as I can. What I used to do, I used to do all my classes at Callahan where we started this episode, but then I would do um you know work on my thesis or work on my assignments and stuff at the New Space campus because it was new at the time. I think it opened when I was in my second year. Um so I used to go there, and the amount of all-nighters I used to do at New Space was oh man, you know, it's a bit of a theme in my life if you haven't noticed. I do a lot of my best work at night, um, and that's always been the case. And probably it's because there's no one around, everyone's you know, the world's asleep, and I love that. As someone with autism, you know, I love the fact that when the world's asleep, I can play and do my thing. The only thing is, of course, being awake at night sort of ruins your sleep architecture, and then that has a very negative and significant impact. On anybody's mental health, especially mine, but hey, what can you do? You gotta sort of play the cards you've been dealt with. So that's what I did. I used to load up on stimulants prescribed, um, legal, some of them are legal as well, just to get the job done. And again, you know, when you've got autism, for example, like when you're autistic, you're not really made for this world, you know. It's that's that's just the way it is. And I'm fortunate that my autism is, you know, classes are level one, and it used to be Asperger's before they got rid of that diagnosis, which I think was a mistake, but anyway, that's a story for another day. Um, but you know, like my flavour of autism, I have a degree of control over how it manif well, not how it manifests itself, that's sort of out of my control, but I can pick and choose a bit when I have to let it out, you know? And when you've got, I guess, more severe forms of autism, that ability to be able to sort of pick and choose in a way when it shows itself, that is harder to to manage. And for some, unfortunately, it isn't manageable at all. So, in many ways, I'm very lucky about that. But you know, there's no two as it what two ways about it. Like, my autism has caused a lot of problems, um, and I don't like blaming things on my mental illnesses, but you know, let's be honest, a lot of the reasons why I'm single with no family, no kids, and all that sort of stuff is because of my mental illnesses, but autism plays a big role in that, that's for sure. Alright, so the University of Newcastle, there you go. So, new space, like I said, I just get absolutely loaded. One story that is very relevant.

New Space All Nighters And Sleep

SPEAKER_00 45:47

So I remember I was doing a uh a statistics assignment. I used to struggle with statistics a bit, um, and I used to procrastinate a lot because stats is hard work. Um, and it used to make me very, very anxious. So, you know, what do you do when you're anxious? You try and steer away from whatever it is that's provoking the anxiety. But eventually, um, it's not just university assignments, but eventually, sometimes the anxiety is showing itself for good reason. And uh, if it gets loud enough, you can't really ignore it. So I was at the university one day, did an all-nighter again, doing this statistics assignment, and my friend, my friend, she turned up because she had a class there. And she walked in, it was 9 a.m. and she looked at me and I had energy drinks all around me, I had my dexies out on the desk because I didn't care at that point, whatever. Um, you know, what are you gonna do? I'm prescribed them, I didn't care. Um, but that's the thing, you know, when you're that sleep deprived, uh, it's you don't really give a shit. Anyway, she walked in, saw me, and then broke into tears. She just burst out into tears. I remember being like, whoa, whoa, what's going on? She was like, You look, you look at you know, she was like, I can't remember the exact wording, but she essentially said I looked horrific, you know. Um, and and I and I remember like that sort of hit me. I was like, oh damn, she's like, you look terrible. Like, are you okay? Like, this is this is really saddening. And I remember that was one of those moments I was like, oh geez, okay. I remember looking in the mirror when after she got on a calmed down and short everything was fine, even though it obviously wasn't. Um I remember I walked into the mirror, into the toilets, and looked in the mirror, and all I could see I had the devil in my eyes, which which I do get from every every now and then, you know, it does come out, you know. That could be, you could say, the BPD demon inside. But I remember looking in the mirror because I was in a mood. Um, it was me against the world sort of stuff, Siege Mentality, which I've done an episode on, cracking episode, Search for Siege Mentality. I think it was from around that time actually. Um, but I could see in my eyes, you know, there was the devil. The devil was there and it was in control, and I was like, yeah, that is a bit scary to be honest. And she was worried because, you know, she's my friend. And you don't like seeing people like that with huge bags under their eyes, you know, just just bloodshot eyes. You know, I wasn't really eating much at this point, so I was really skinny, I was looking gaunt, I was very pale, um, I looked grey, you know, I just looked terrible because it was a it was a personification of my mind, my the chaos that was in my mind, you know, was seeping out into all levels of my being. And um, and she could see it. I looked like it, you know. I hadn't shaved, my hair was a mess, you know, I was just I was just a mess. Absolute mess. So yeah, that was a pretty pivotal moment. Um, and we still talk about it now, and she's so happy that I don't look like that anymore, you know, which is good. This truck in life has been hard on me, don't get me wrong, but it's it's not like that. So yeah, the devil in my eyes. Um, and it was it was pretty hard. But you know, and it was ironic because I was doing my thesis on sleep and how important sleep was for I think my my cohort in this was men, um males, uh, and looking at their sleep scores and looking for relationships between that and and depression and anxiety levels. And of course, as you would expect, although I was a good researcher, I never had any bias, so I didn't come into it with any expectations, but you know, looking back now, it was going to be obvious what the results were, which was if you're not getting good sleep, the chances of you developing clinically significant levels of depression and anxiety, you know, was through the roof. I can't remember what the numbers were now, it was a while ago, but it was it was more than just statistically significant, you know, it was it was people's reality. Um, and it was mine too, and that's the irony of my thesis, which was it was all done overnight because that was the only time I could calm my mind enough to be able to get the work done because the world was asleep, but I was awake and I was charged up on whatever it took to be able to get that thesis done. And as I've alluded to and I've said directly, that included all measure of substances, you know, it included specifically curated um playlists that would get my emotions going. Because that's the thing, I've got BPD, you know, I'm driven by emotion. Um, so you know, and I used to get that going. A lot of sad songs to really get me in the hang on, what is this clown in front doing? Are you turning or not? Far out. Sorry, sorry, I'm not concentrating. Well, I'm concentrating on the road because I have to because I'm surrounded by lunatics. Um, but yeah, so there were some tough times there at the university. But anyway, moving on. We're now driving through the center of Newcastle. So on my left is New Psych. So a psychology um business that I've cycled through a few psychs there. This is no you know, shit fault on them, but it just never worked out there. There's Begin Again Therapy, where I did um go there and have a psychologist for quite a while, that helped a lot. So begin again therapy, highly recommended. Um, on my right now is the Great Northern Hotel, and just across the road is Customs House Hotel. So, you know, watering holes here in Newcastle, pretty popular. Um, it's it's looking pretty popular right now. It's Friday afternoon, so I dare say it's gonna be gonna be pumping tonight. But when I was 18, this was the place to go. You used to just go from the Great Northern, go across the road to Customs, then back to the Great Northern, back to Customs over and over again. Everyone just be on the street, absolutely blotto. And everyone from school used to go, like it was pretty cool as a newly minted 18-year-old. Um, so there's a lot of memory spent here trying to pick up girls and trying to get that validation, that external validation that I crave so much. Um, which let's be honest, I never really got that much of because I'm autistic. So, you know, I tried in my own way, but I think my own way, um, there was a reason why it was my own way, and the results sort of spoke for themselves. The fact that there weren't many. There were, oh don't get me wrong, you know, like, you know, I've I've had me go, don't get me wrong, all right? But you know what I mean? Especially back then, I was obsessed, right? I was obsessed with your body count, you know, your hip count, how many girls you've been with? Because whatever your tally was, the higher it was, meant the more valid of a person that you were. And I was obsessed with that, absolutely obsessed. And every night I used to go out, um, that was my aim, was to somehow find a girl just to kiss, even, just to get validation, get another one on the board. It's so stupid now looking back, like it's you know, I don't I don't care about that stuff anymore. But geez, it took it took a long time. It was in my I'm 35 and took into my 30s to finally get over that sort of stuff and realise there's better better measures of you as a person than how many girls or guys or whatever that you've slept with or been with. That is not the measure of you as a person, but for so long it was. And you can imagine how difficult it was having autism when that essentially put a lid on most of the chances that were, you know, the potential that was there. You know, the autism certainly put a lid on that. And as someone who also had BPD who needed that validation, um, what a combo that was. So, what I used to do was I had this idea in my head, and again, that only sort of disappeared more recently. The more that I drank, the better my chances would be at picking up somebody. Now we all know that's not true, the more you drink, the more stupid you become, and um it doesn't work like that. But that's what I used to do, you know. Weekends, as a young bloke, I used to just absolutely go mental and binge, and it wasn't for a good time. This is the thing, right? This is the thing. I talk about substances, and I haven't spoken about this stuff on the potty for a while, um, and it's mostly because it's a non-event anymore, because I don't do any of this stuff and I haven't for a very long time. But this is the thing that people get wrong. All right, and I can only really speak for myself, although I that's not true because you know I've met so many people, I've heard so many people's stories of lived experience. The majority of people who are hitting the drugs hard, they're not doing it for a good time. All right. This is the point that I try to make the people, and I think I'm starting to get traction now, um, but whatever. Okay, for me at least, I never did substances, I never did cocaine because I was doing it to have fun. I've never done cocaine to have fun. I've done cocaine to minimize my autism so I could satisfy my BPD. Do you get it? All right, that's the whole thing. You know, I never did opiates like endone because I wanted to have a good time. It was to it was to dial down my anxiety so I could function. Same with the dexamphetamine. I didn't have amphetamine because I was looking to get charged up and have a good time. No, it was so I could nullify my ADHD and get my degree done. So I could be a successful person and be someone who had value and was achieving things. And you know why? So I could get rid of the depression that was telling me you're not achieving things because of these mental illnesses. Go kill yourself. You know what I mean? Now it's probably no surprise I'm starting to get all charged up because I'm now driving to the areas in Newcastle that really mean a lot. But that's the thing, all right? When I talk about substances, I don't want anybody to ever think, oh, Elliot was doing it to have a good time. No, it was to wrestle with this mind of mine, get it under control somehow, so I could achieve things, so I wouldn't end up being on the edge and ending up back at the martyr hospital or worse. You know what I mean? God, I should have just done an episode on this, and I probably will. But that's the thing that people get wrong when it comes to drugs and substance abuse. The vast majority are doing it so they can live a life that's worth living, or get away from the perceived reality that their life isn't worth living. Far out. Anyway, anyway, so now I have gone around to Knobby's Beach and now I'm at Newcastle Beach. And even in recent episodes I've spoken about Newcastle Beach, I even did one while I was here. This is where the deepest thinking used to occur. I used to finish at the Cambridge Hotel, I used to come here to Newcastle Beach, and I would think long and hard about what the hell was going on. Why am I, at 30 years old, say, working in a nightclub with people who are 12 years younger than me? You know, why have I still got no money? I'm living with my parents. Why am I single, desperate, you know, to love somebody and give them everything I've got, even though I did have a few false starts there? Um, why am I ending up here as a 30-year-old single, walking along the beach at 4 a.m.? Why, why, why is this happening? That used to happen so often. Like almost every Saturday, well, it'd be Sunday morning by that point, you'd find me at Newcastle Beach, covered in alcohol, you know, having fisted multiple toilets, um, trying to break up fights, watching people's relationships explode in front of me, watching people um, you know, drink too much, and then the truth of their lives coming out for everybody to see. You know, I'm seeing blokes act like predators, I'm seeing girls lead people on. Like it's just uh, and I also saw some amazing bands and some amazing, you know, like there was some, geez, it was some great times, but you know, that would happen so often here at Newcastle Beach. Now, where I'm driving, so you know, we know I love driving, and what I used to do always, even recently until I left to start live this truck and dream, I used to always drive around Newcastle from mum and dad's place in my own car that time, burn my own fuel, and like every night I just drive around. You know, I'd finish work at Bunnings, for example, at 9 p.m. and I'd just go driving around the areas I'm driving around now and just think about life and think about what I've done, what I've achieved, what I haven't done, the regrets and all that sort of stuff, all the relationships that I've been in that had so much potential that I squandered all that sort of stuff. So um, yeah, it's uh a lot, a lot of it was, yeah. Anyway, moving

Validation Seeking And Beach Reflections

SPEAKER_00 58:30

on. So now I'm at uh Newcastle Police Station. Now that's not somewhere I've actually been before, which is good. Um it's uh it's across the road, actually, that is interesting. So there was a girl that lived at the monastery, she would have been 17. Now, unfortunately, her life was chaos, just pure chaos. Um, and she used to catch the train to Sydney and well, essentially she was a prostitute. Now, I don't look down on that at all, not at all, but what I have found is most people who uh working as prostitutes don't really want to be prostitutes, but you know, again, that's people feel as though that's the cards they're dealt with, and you've got to sort of roll with it, don't you? Um, and this particular girl, like I said, she was 17, used to catch the train to Sydney, and she worked as a prostitute. Eventually she moved out from the monastery because she had to be 18 to live there, and word got out that she was underage and someone snitched, as they do. And anyway, she moved across the road from the police station. Now I didn't know her that well, but a few of the guys seen it now her, and I don't think anything was going on. It was just again that camaraderie, you know, we're all sort of all in this shit together. And she moved across the road from the cop shop, and I remember going there with a few of the few of the crew just to say hello. And I remember walking into her room, which was essentially the same as the monastery, and it was just a mess. An absolute mess. Like I'm talking rubbish, I'm talking half-eaten food, you know, empty bottles of I don't know, vodka and stuff everywhere. Um, you know, it was just chaos, and it was it, it just rocked me. I remember because I was like, this poor person, like this right here, her her place, which was again, it was like the monster, it was like a single room, just terrible conditions, and it was just an absolute, oh it and it was just so it epitomized her life. And I remember thinking, because I was in a pretty bad way at that point myself, um, and I remember thinking, if I was in a better headspace, I wish I could do something to help. Um, but that's the thing, you can't really help people who aren't at the point of receiving help. And this is what was frustrating, but but um you know, understandable. Remember, she was 17, you know, teenagers don't really want help, you know what I mean? And I didn't either for so long. You know, you can't force someone into therapy, for example. When it comes to psychology, what you find is that unless the individual has, you know, voluntarily gone, you know, decided that they want to try and improve things, it ain't gonna work. You can't force people to change their lives, it never ever works. And as a therapist, it doesn't matter how good you are, unless the person is at the point where they are willing to accept help, they're willing to accept that maybe their life is not in the best shape, but also they have this belief that they can do something about it. But unless the individual feels empowered to be able to do something about their life and is accepting of the fact that they may need to receive help from, say, a professional or whatever, um, unless they're willing to go to those places themselves, um, you know, you're not going to create change. You just can't do it. An individual has to get to that point themselves. And unfortunately, this girl, um, she wasn't at that point. And I knew even if I was running full tilt, you know, and I knew exactly what needed to be done, and I had the plan, and I just had to sit down with her and talk to the one-on-one and figure it out. Um, unless she was accepting of that sort of that intervention, even if it wasn't necessarily a formal intervention, um, you know, nothing's going to change. And I remember walking out of her, and I've never seen her since, um, but I remember walking out thinking that poor person is going through hell right now. Um, and unfortunately, there's nothing that can be done about it. That's the hardest part. There's nothing that could have been done about it. My God. Anyway, anyway, so looping back around Knobby's Beach. So, yeah, like I said, you know, and there's been some good times here as well. You know, this is a beautiful part of the world. This is God's country here. Mayfield, not so much, but around Knobby's Beach, Newcastle Beach, Merriweather Beach, Bar Beach, which I'll probably drive past soon. Um, you know, this is God's country right here. And I've spent some great times here. What's interesting though is that, you know, you would think, you know, where it's summer and you live on the coast at places like this, that what you would try and do is go to the beach as much as you can. And I look back at some summers, there were some summers I'd be at the beach all the time, there were others I wouldn't go at all. And it was all dependent on my self-esteem and my social anxiety levels. So there were summers there where things were going pretty good, and I knew things were going pretty good because I'd go to the beach, you know, I'd get me rigged, I'd take my shirt off, I wouldn't care. And no one else cares, of course. But that's the thing with social anxiety. What social anxiety does is it tells you that people are looking at you specifically and they are judging you negatively. They are negatively appraising you, and you know, um, even if that was true, unless they're saying something out loud, you don't really know what they're thinking. Um, but again, it's not true because no one cares about what you're doing. People mostly care about themselves, which is fine as long as it doesn't, you know, go into the social anxiety territory that I'm talking about right now. Um, but so when my social anxiety was peaking, I wouldn't go to the beach because I'd take my shirt off and I'd think everyone's going, oh, look at this guy, you know. You know, look how pasty white he is, or look how skin he is looking, um, and all that sort of stuff. So a measure of how well my social anxiety was going or my ability to keep it under control is whether in summer I was going to the beach. And like I said, there were years there where I'd be there every day, and then there were other years I wouldn't go at all. Um, and to be honest, the last summer, it's winter now, but the last summer that's been and gone, uh, I was here for, um, I didn't go. I didn't go to the beach, so there you go. My social anxiety currently is not under control like I'd like it to be, although I would say over the last couple of months that has improved quite a bit. Um, but yeah, there you go. So there's been good memories here as well, but um it it didn't come as easy as it did coming here late at night, walking along the beach, and just thinking about life. So, but that's one of those metrics, you know, that you measure, or that you don't measure because it's not about measuring yourself against a particular metric, but these metrics do offer insights into how you're traveling, that's what's important. So, one of those many metrics that I have is is it summer? And if it is, am I going to the beach? And if I'm not, well, that is a sign. That is a sign. So um, there you go. All right, so we're driving now towards. Well, I'm sort of looping back around. I might even pull up the episode here because I feel like I am talking a lot and waffling on. Um, but you know, what can I say? I drive around here and there's a lot of memories. I might do a part B because what I haven't really spoken about is my memories here uh with girlfriends and relationships. Because let's be honest, you listen to this podcast, or if you talk to me in real life, often conversations come back to relationships, which is no surprise as someone with borderline personality disorder. It is no surprise as someone who has autism. Um, you know, this isn't a shock to anybody that. Certainly isn't to me, but a lot of my life revolves around relationships, and you know, I've spoken before about if I'm in relationships, my B per D acts different to where I'm not in one, and there's not really time to talk about that in depth right now. Um, but there's so many stories that I'm gonna have to do on another episode about my relationships here in Newcastle because really a lot of it that is the crux of everything going on here, and that's why I I guess I chose to leave, and I I've left Newy because you know I don't think I can find because I've tried, I don't think I can find the one here. I don't think I particularly want to because I've been down that road too many times, and there's too much you know trauma associated with past relationships here in Newcastle. I sort of want to start fresh, you know. Um, but I might leave that for the next episode when I'm driving around. I'm in the mood to talk about things. So thank you for listening. Um, like I said, that that like that's really just a very small snapshot, obviously, because you know the majority of my life has been here. But that's a bit of a some insight into my time around newy. So I'll leave it there. I'm gonna stop the episodes and find a place to pull over. You'd think I'd know by now where these places were. Um, as I'm dry. Oh, there's the brewery, the brewery, which is another watering hole that I used to spend a lot of time at. I'll tell you, I had a massive night there once where I ended up vomiting all over. Oh, a friend of mine who I need to catch up with. I remember I took a hip flaskin of Bundy OP. Now, Bundy OP, what's OP? That's overproof, I think. So normally Bundy rum is like 40%, but OP was like 55%. And again, I took it in there and I was only like 19 because I thought the more that I drank, the better the chances I'd have at finding a girl and satisfying that need for validation. So in the end, I drank this hip flask of Bundy OP, got absolutely hammered, and I eventually, oh yeah. Yeah, I was laying down on the grass out the front, passed out, and supposedly, as the story goes, I don't know, there was some sort of, you know, there was a what's the word that's not too disgusting, you know what I mean? And the poor girl who was with me, who is a friend of mine who I need to catch up with, maybe I should ring her after this. She was cradling me, because there is a bit of history there too. Um, she was cradling me and and sort of had to wear it. So yeah, there you go. Um, great memories. Geez, this episode's been a bit disgusting, hasn't it? I don't know if I'm sort of doing myself a disservice here of talking about this sort of stuff, but you know, I don't care. You know me, I'm Elliot. You know there's good things as well. Well, a lot of what I've spoken about. This is the thing, right? Again, there's the stigma and the shame. Because I'm thinking about how I was talking about substances earlier, but I did that big rant on how it's not about, you know, I was doing it to try and control my mental illnesses, and yet there's that stigma, you know, I've still got it, and it just crept out there because I was essentially going to apologize for some of the stuff I've spoken about. But what's there to apologize about? You know, this is life, this is reality, and this isn't just me, this is so many people, but I guess I'm lucky enough that I believe that I have a voice in this space and I can talk about it, I don't really care. But I do a little bit, that's the thing, that's the stigma. See, very, very interesting, isn't it? So there you go.

Projects Ahead And How To Help

SPEAKER_00 1:09:34

Right oh, so that'll do for now. I'm gonna do more stories if you'd like. Give me some feedback. If this was a rubbish episode and you couldn't stand listening to it, let me know. Um, but at the same time, I don't know, you know, this is my life, this is this is how it's gone down. So there you go. Anyway, I'm gonna end that now. Thank you for listening. I'm gonna do another one, um, maybe over this weekend while I'm here. But if not, you know, when I come back to town in a couple of weeks, I'm sure I'll do more again. Um, so yeah, hope you've enjoyed. Um, there is some episodes I've got planned. I'm gonna hopefully record another one tomorrow, um, which is what was that one gonna be out? There was gonna be on my list I've got, I want to talk about the importance of lived experience in research. That's gonna be a big one. Uh, I want to talk about the the highway ahead when it comes to resilient roadways, my project for the mental the uh sorry, the mental health of the transport industry, um, the podcast as well, which is gonna pivot towards a different direction shortly, which I think will be good. Um, and also my efforts at the university as far as research in psychology goes, there's a lot to talk about there as well. Um, so there's big episodes coming, um, which I'm pretty excited about. But that'll do for now. As always, if you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating because it's good for the algorithm. And please share this around with your mates, especially the ones who maybe are doing it tough, but don't realize perhaps that it's not just them, because that's what depression does, it tells you that it's just you and there's nothing you can do about it, and then the anxiety says, and if you do dare tell anybody that just gonna ostracize you anyway, these are loaded garbage, and if they perhaps you can tell or feel that way, um feel free to pass on this podcast. Alright, that's all for me. Thank you for listening. You can follow, oh yes, you can of course, like I said, follow me on Instagram at elliott.t.waters, you can follow the show, which we're gonna put more content up soon at the dysregulated.podcast. But that's enough for me, me now, because I'm starting to slur words, because that's the thing, as an interstate truck driver, you're just basically in a constant state of jet lag. So it's been very, very difficult at times. Um, so uh I'm not gonna succumb to sleep because it is a Friday night. I'm gonna go have a beer somewhere and have a good time, but not in excess, because I don't do that anymore. Um, but anyway, that'll do for now. Alright, thanks everybody. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you for listening to the Disregulated Podcast. Holy dooley, what an episode that was!