Waiting To Unload In Ravensworth

SPEAKER_00 0:11

G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, so just a bit of context on where I am. I'm in the hunter. I'm at Ravensworth and I'm waiting to get unloaded. And I'll tell you what, it has been a long, long wait. I've been here for two hours and I'm in the bunk because there is just nothing happening at the moment. So very, very frustrating indeed.

Catastrophising And Living In The Future

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Um, but that's not what this episode's about. This episode is about, well, once again, it's about anxiety, but I want to tell you a little bit about how today I've been trying to uh counteract it. Not completely successfully, but it's an effort that's made a bit of a difference, and I thought I'd tell you about it. So basically, once again, I don't know, this keeps happening, but I keep, I don't know, with this job that I'm doing, I'm I think I've said this before, but I'm acutely aware of the fact that there's a lot that I don't know. You know what I mean? Um also I'm not sure if you can hear that, but that's the uh the UHF radio going, so I've got to keep that on to wait and hear when I'm able to move in and get unloaded. So if you hear that in the background, that's why. Um, but uh yeah, today, once again, very anxious because, like I said or was saying, I'm acutely aware of the deficiencies that I have when it comes to the road transport industry. And this is a theme that's played out throughout my whole life, in that I'm acutely aware of the deficiencies I have uh across the board. This is the thing, right? Um, I've never met anybody, and I've met a lot of people, and I've heard a lot of people's stories, which is, as I always say, my greatest honor and privilege, which it is, um, but I've never really met anybody that knows at all. You know what I mean? Um, but a lot of people seem to be able to just, I don't know, ignore that and just continue on with their day, um, and then confront something if something comes up. The problem is in my mind, I'm confronting things that are coming up already because I uh I envisage it in my mind um before anything even happens. And of course, the majority of the time nothing actually happens, but for me, it's always happening and it's definitely going to happen, and I'm catastrophizing, which is classic anxiety disorder, classic 101 right there. Um and I'm just imagining things going wrong, and I can see it going wrong, I can see the ramifications of things going wrong, and I can certainly see my part in things going wrong. You know what I mean? So even when things are going well, I'm assuming they're going bad, and I can see in my mind's eye that it's going bad, and that I should be very, very concerned because um something is on the horizon, and because that's the thing, you know, it's hard to push back against that. And this is why CBT doesn't work for me, because yeah, okay, situationally or or for that specific stressor, I suppose, that's causing me grief at that time, I can challenge it and say, right, oh, where's the logic in this? And usually I don't find any. Um, but unfortunately for me, that's not enough. I still feel all the feelings of things going wrong anyway. It doesn't matter. Logic doesn't defeat it. And not only that, I know very well that things eventually will go wrong. That's part of the human experience, and we can't get away from it. So um it's it's very, very hard because, like I said, I think most other people, I'm not completely sure, but from my understanding, most other people just ignore that stuff, and like I said, we'll deal with it if and when it arises. But unfortunately, I'm dealing with it in the moment constantly in my mind, and I am very vividly imagining what's going on, what's going wrong, and my role to play in it. So, anyway, anyway, we sort of already know that. I've explained that before in other episodes, but at the same time, um, you know, I'm gonna keep talking about because it is a big problem that I have not been able to successfully wrestle with and be able to do something about it.

Borrowing Confidence From Role Models

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Um, but one of the ways in which I'm trying today at least to uh put my anxiety aside, and although, you know, expectedly it's not doing the job completely, it is helping a little bit, and that's watching videos of uh of I guess heroes of mine that I, you know, I try to emulate, and usually it's people with lots of confidence. So today, for example, now I know not everyone's probably a pro-wrestling fan, but you may remember Stone Cold Steve Austin. And the Stone Cold Steve Austen was all about not giving a damn and just going for it and not caring about the consequences and just you know, just exuded confidence, you know. There was no anxiety with that character whatsoever. And the person who plays Steve Austen, who is Steve Austin, he also seems to have that sort of mentality, not quite to the extreme of the character that he was playing, but at the same time is still very much a person who has that, I guess, more optimistic outlook on life. Although, don't get me wrong, I've seen interviews with him, and he admits that you know he has his moments as well, and that's the thing we all do. The problem for me is I have these moments 24-7, and it's um what what what can I say? It's hell. It is hell. Um, it's absolutely terrible. But today I've been watching some of his videos, some of his videos on YouTube that um where he talks about, you know, how you just gotta go for it, you gotta, you know, you just gotta keep pushing, and how he had a lot of, you know, things not go his way, but he just kept pushing, and that's how he became arguably the biggest star in the industry. So that's something that I try to do frequently is to draw on the confidence of other people, whether it's in real life or whether it's watching documentaries or interviews or whatever. Um, that is something that I try to do, especially in these sorts of moments where at the moment I'm just laying in the bunk thinking and thinking and thinking over and over again. And you know, you you gotta snap out of that, those negative obsessive cognitions. You've got to snap out of it somehow. And what I've been trying to do today is uh is is watch some interviews with some people um that really, as I said, emulate and personify that confidence. So it's um it's not easy though. I'll tell you what, today's been a

When Anxiety Becomes A Life Theme

SPEAKER_00 7:07

real real hard one. Actually, the last couple of well, let's be honest, my whole life's been like this. Um, but ever since getting back into the transport industry, like I said, it's been, and I've said this in previous episodes, it's been very, very difficult. One, because the job's really, really hard, but I don't mind the hard work, you know. What I don't like is the hard work and then the hard work of anxiety on top of it, because it sometimes it just gets to be too much, it's just too much, and it more than just ruins my day, you know what I mean? And when these things are left unchecked, they can ruin people's lives. And look, I'm not gonna lie, um, there's big, big blocks there of my life. Again, if you've listened to um excuse me, previous episodes, you would also know this. There's big blocks of my life that I feel have been ruined by these mental illnesses, and anxiety has always, always been there. And unfortunately, it's here again today, and it's really, really, oh God, it's exhausting. It is so, so exhausting. Um, and especially when we're living in a world where, yeah, we're talking more about mental health, which is great. Um, but you know, society, I don't believe, is still equipped to handle this properly. Um, so you know, I'm not I'm not in a position where I can say to whether it's a boss or whether it's whatever, you know, I'm anxious, we need to do something about it, because we don't really have to do something about it unless it gets so severe that you end up, you know, hospitalized or or in a psychiatric ward or something serious like that, which, as we would know, if you've listened to the previous excuse me, uh episodes, I've certainly spent my fair share of time in those environments. But yeah, another day of just anxiety that just will not go away. And, you know, I'm sort of coming to the realization now that this is it, you know. Like when I was younger and stuff, and when I was first getting diagnosed, there was a bit more hope, I suppose, that I'd be able to eventually get over it and live a life relatively anxiety-free, relatively, because like I said, the human experience, anxiety is part of it, and we can't get away from that. And anxiety when controlled is actually a very, very good thing. The problem is when your stimulus is at like a level one, but your anxiety levels are at level nine out of ten, that's when there's a problem. And that gap there between the one and the nine, that there is the uh the mental illness, I suppose. So it's um, yeah, it's it's bloody hard, let me tell you. It's bloody hard. Today's been hard, the last couple of weeks have been hard, the last couple of months have been hard, and let's be honest, the last couple of years and my bloody whole life has been extremely difficult. And coming to this potential realization that there is no fix for this, for me at least. Um, and I need to sort of just get on with just get on with um trying to manage this as best I can. It's difficult, you know, because I don't like living life like this. It's not fun, it's not enjoyable. Um, it's actually it's it's torture at times, and today's certainly one of those occasions. So that is something I'm grappling with. The last couple of episodes I've been talking a lot about um this idea that I may live a life alone. Um, and don't worry, I'm not gonna get into that again. I've spoken about that at length. Um, but um what's also been a bit of a theme lately has been this idea as the truck pulls up next to me. If you can hear that, that's not my truck, that's the truck next to me reversing. Um, another of those big realizations, those big life realizations, is the fact that this anxiety thing probably ain't, you know, it ain't gonna go away. I've thrown so many medications at this, I've thrown so much psychotherapy at this, I've done so much of my own research and and just work on the self, you know what I mean? And yet I'm still in this position where I'm bloody petrified of everything. And it just sucks, guys. I'm telling you, it just bloody sucks.

Mental Health Reality And A Message

SPEAKER_00 11:14

Oh God. Anyway, you know, that's the thing though. This is what reality is like for a lot of people, and we need to acknowledge that, and we need to try as a society and a community to do something about it. I'm not exactly sure at this stage what that is, but as you would know, again, listening to the show, um, not only am I a truck driver now, I'm still a researcher in psychology, and there's a lot of that coming. Uh, there's a lot of that in the pipeline, don't you worry. Um, but we need to come up with something. I don't know what it is, but man, I don't know, it's hard. God, it's hard. I'm just lucky that nowadays the depression isn't anywhere near as severe or intense as it used to be, because there's no two ways about it. If you've got both going on, um, and both are at you know, nine and ten out of ten, um, that's when things get really bad. And I've certainly been there on more than one occasion, and I hope I don't go back there. And I've done pretty well pushing the depression, not quite in a remission, don't get me wrong, but you know, it's not as big of a problem as it used to be. But this anxiety, it just will not let go. It just will not let go. Oh man, it's so hard. It is so hard. It's um, yeah, I don't know. I'm getting all emotional. I don't know. I don't know what's going on here. This wasn't really part of the plan, but yeah, I don't know. It's just it's just hard every day, you know, living like this. It's just hell. It's just absolute hell. So, and that's the thing. It's like I think I said this at the start of the episode. Here we go. The ADHD's kicking in again, and I've forgotten what I've been talking about. Um, but there's a lot of people who are going through stuff like this, it's not just me. And um, yeah, we need to uh we need to just be kind to each other because we're all battling, man. We're all battling. So anyway, that'll do for me because um I'm getting a phone call and I'm thinking maybe it's time for me to get unloaded, hopefully. So fingers crossed. But anyway, thank you for listening. As always, if you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating, and you can share it around with your mates, especially the people that are doing it tough. Um, one of the reasons I've done this episode here today is because I just saw on Instagram um someone post how they wish they knew that there were other people going through this sort of stuff earlier because it would have made things so much easier and could have changed, you know, the course of their life is essentially what they were talking about. Um and then that made me think, yep, right, I I feel like absolute garbage today, but I'm going to do an episode because who knows, there might be someone out there that might listen to this and go, shit, you know, it's not just me. And as, you know, as uncomfortable as this is, at least I know that there's other people in these trenches with me. And let me tell you, I've said a lot, and I'll say it again for you guys that are listening who are going through stuff right now. Trust me, I know what depression does. It tries to tell you that it's just you, you are the only person that's going through this. And then the anxiety says, if you dare tell anybody, you're screwed, all right? Because everyone's going to ostracize you and you're going to be, you know, you're going to be pushed out, sort of thing. And um, and that's, you know, I get that too. That's fair enough. You know, that's what these mental illnesses do. But let me tell you, I'm in the trenches with you. Trust me. Just, you know, if depression tries to tell you you're alone, um, I'm 100% there with you. Anyway, I've got to go because I'm getting called. I'll talk to you later. See ya.