Overwhelm And Getting Nothing Done

Speaker 0:00

G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, today's episode comes with a content warning because I'm about to whinge and complain a lot and do a lot of venting about the fact that it appears I am unable, it doesn't appear, what am I talking about? This has been a theme throughout my whole life, and that is the inability to get things done. Whether it's big things, little things, it doesn't matter. For some re well, it's not even for some reason. I know why, or at least in part I know why this is the case. And there's two two disorders in particular that I'm probably going to highlight in this episode, and that's ADHD, obviously. You know, if I'm talking about not being able to get things done and attend to the things that need doing, that is a core component of ADHD, and we know that I've got that. And the other thing, or the other component, the other facet of my psyche, my complex pain in the backside psyche is anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder. So those two disorders in particular, they just wreak havoc with any efforts or any wishes, any desires to get things done. So, you know, it's it's happening again, and it's got to the point where I'm extremely overwhelmed, and yet I still feel incapable of getting the things done that I need to get done. So I'll give you a little bit of context. Oh, geez. Like even, I don't know if you can hear it in the recording. Um, hopefully the recording's nice and clear because I'm using a new microphone that's connected to my new MacBook Air or Pro, whatever it is, computer, um, which I bought specifically because there's big things coming, big things on the horizon, they're getting closer and closer. So I've got to be ready to launch, you know, these big projects I've got planned. But the problem is, if I'm unable to get anything done, these projects won't come to fruition. Now, I've gone a little bit off track. What was I talking about just before? Um yeah, new microphone, new computer. Uh yeah, so hopefully I sound clear. Oh, that's right. Uh my voice might be shaking a little bit. Um, and that's because I am very doled up at the moment. Now, I don't mean like medicated doled up, I mean I'm in panic mode because the overwhelm has reached that point, that threshold, where I can't not attend to it anymore. And it's like, holy dooley, there's all these things I should have done over the last couple of weeks that I haven't done. And according to my mind in its present state, I need to get all of these things completed right now, or else the world is going to implode. Um, and you know, logic would tell me that that's probably not the case, but logic would also tell me that there is a serious problem here when it comes to getting things done. And it's been, like I said, a theme throughout my whole life, and it's happening again. Now, this is the thing that's I guess interesting in a way, is that it's not just big things, it's the little things as well. So, for example, I just had a shave then, finally, you know, I've had this beard thing growing, and look, it's not because I want to grow a beard, it's because I just haven't had, well, it hasn't felt like I've been able to have the time to be able to do it. Now, seriously, it took about five minutes, and just doing that little task has released a bit of the pressure that I've been feeling, and I guess that's probably why I'm able to do this episode right now, because that little bit of pressure has been released, so a little bit more function or the ability to function has returned, and that's great. And the good thing too is that this episode actually is one of the things uh that's been on my list that I need to get done. Um, so once again, I've gone missing a little bit here on the podcast. So I apologize for that. People have reached out, I appreciate that. Don't worry, I am here. Oh, baby, I am here, and I am in the throes of life as I know it. Um, but again, like I've been saying, I've just had this inability to be able to get things done. And the podcast, among numerous other things, uh, is one of those things I haven't been able to

Trucking Work Swallows Everything

Speaker 4:20

get done. So the reason for that, though, or at least recently, you know, that there's a bit of an excuse, I suppose, which is, you know, starting the new job, um, you know, returning to the transport industry that I've spoken about, driving trucks. Um, you know, being a truckey is not just a job, it's a life, and it tends to take over everything. And that's going to be a big part of what I'm going to look at with resilient roadways when I finally knuckle down and get that going properly. Um, but it's true, you know, trucking takes over everything. I've been doing massive days, you know, whether it's local work in Wadonga and Aubrey or if it's, you know, going further afield uh like I have uh this week. I'm in Newcastle at the moment, actually, I'm home because I had a load to Morissette just south of Newy. Uh, and then tomorrow I've got to go to Talara, which is just northwest-ish of Newcastle, and then out to Werris Creek, um, and then who knows where I'm going after that, uh, which is great, you know, like it's awesome. I love this stuff. But it's true that trucking takes over everything. Um, so that's made it very, very difficult for me to be able to do anything else other than trucking. Um, and I knew that would happen, and I sort of, you know, I prepared for that, and I was happy to put essentially all of my energies towards this new role and getting back into the industry and proving to be a good competent operator at the very least. Um, and I knew that other things would take a bit of a back seat for a while. And it's getting to the point now, though, where I need to find the balance. And this is why the transport industry is so difficult, because often you can't really find the balance, and that's that's a big part of again what I want to look at with resilient roadways. But what I'm saying is, because this isn't about transport, this isn't what this episode's meant to be about. Come on, Elliot, focus. Um, the fact is, I've had an excuse to not do some things, and I think whether it's subconsciously, at times consciously as well, you know, I've sort of been like, oh, well, you know, I'm doing 12, 13 hour days or whatever. Um, you know, like I'll do that later. I'll do that later. And the problem is, you know, my whole life I've been always talking about doing things later, doing things later, and it's always caused this reaction that I've got now. And I'm aware of that. But recently, like I said, I've had a bit of an excuse, which is, you know, starting a new job. It's normal that everything else would take a back seat. Um, but with me, everything takes a backseat, including the little things, like having a shave, like come on, you know, like basic stuff like that, like grocery shopping, you know, things that I've never been good at, but lately, because of this excuse, um, which is a good one and valid to a certain extent, everything's taken, like I said, a backseat. And when it comes to me, I mean everything, the little things and the big things. And the problem is, you know, to be functional in society and in life and engage with it properly, you gotta sort of, you know, you gotta get into it and and get things done and you know, make sure you're on the right track and and have the fundamentals locked in. And I'm talking, again, things like grocery shopping and you know, having a shave and self-care and upkeep and all that sort of stuff. And,

Basics Slip Until Panic Hits

Speaker 7:45

you know, because if you don't do those things, life can get very difficult very quickly, which is the story of my life, unfortunately. And that's the story of this episode, which is exactly, you know, this is exactly what's going on. And all of a sudden, there's this flood of tasks. Some are quite big, some are very menial, some are very small. Um, and all of a sudden my attention now has been focused right on them, squarely on them, um, and I can't ignore it anymore. And it's like, holy dooley, there is so many things I need to do. And that's, you know, so many things that could have been done very easily and don't take much time, um, but I haven't attended to them because I get anxious about everything. So let's bring in anxiety, because anxiety is the cause of uh so many of my problems, you know, especially when it comes to functioning and just being a functioning adult, you know? Like anxiety is the big block, the brick wall that stops me from doing so many things. And, you know, even things like shaving, like just then, for some reason I turn the shaver on and there's this, you know, it's not huge, but there's this anxiety floating around. It's like, why? Why is there anxiety associated with this? And then, you know, I'm reminded of the fact that anxiety for me is associated with everything. It never dissipates, it never disappears. I cannot remember a time at all, ever. And I'm not saying this for effect, I'm being serious, where I haven't felt some sort of anxiety about something. Even if I don't know exactly what it is that I'm anxious about, that cloud, that dark cloud is just there hovering around, no matter what I'm doing.

Anxiety Follows Every Good Moment

Speaker 9:32

Um, I remember for you know, without wanting to go off topic too much, well, it's it's on topic, I suppose. Um well, it is. It's an example of the fact of a time and a place where you know I shouldn't have been feeling a certain level of general anxiety, but I did. And even in this moment, which I'm about to talk about very briefly, I still remember having this feeling of anxiety that was just a general feeling that life was scary, you know? So I was at the this is so long ago now, the NRL National Rugby League 2001 Telstra Premiership Grand Final, right? I was there because it was the Parramatta Eels who got beaten by the mighty Newcastle Knights. So it's the grand final. Now, obviously, there's anxiety associated with the game because it's the grand final, you know. It's like, are the Knights finally, is Newcastle going to get another premiership? I've been asking that question ever since. On this particular day, we did, um, but that was 2001 and it's now 2026, and I'm still waiting for the next one. But anyway, so I was pretty young back then. I was in year year five at primary school, however old that is. And I remember being at the game and we were winning, it was half time, 24-nil. And like I said, there should be a bit of anxiety because it's the grand final, you know. We're gonna hold on to this leader, we're gonna win. It's you know, this is unreal. But even in that moment, um, I was still anxious about just general life. I remember specifically, it wasn't about anything specific, but I remember that feeling. And I remember thinking even back then in year five at the grand final of the of the NRL season, the mighty Newcastle Knights leading 24-0, um, along with the anxiety of the game, there was this other anxiety of just general, you know, about general life. And I remember that specifically, even though, as I said, it wasn't specific, um, but it was there. And it's always there. This is the thing. It's always there. Even in that moment, which is huge, like we know how big of a Newcastle Knights supporter I am, if you've listened to the podcast uh for long enough. I mentioned the Knights a lot and and how you know the the fortunes of the club has a very large bearing on my mental health. Um, but even in that moment, the grand final, the biggest game of the year, like the biggest game I've ever attended, I was still anxious about just general life. And it's like, come on, man, what's going on there? You know, be anxious about the game. That's what we want. That's the anxiety we want, you know. Why was I anxious about just general, that general feeling? And, you know, we know why, because I've got generalized anxiety disorder. But, you know, the the point I'm making here is the fact that it doesn't go away. It doesn't matter. Like ACDC, right? My favorite band along with Oasis. Um, but Oasis as well, when I saw them in Sydney. But ACDC I've seen quite a few times. And like that, you know, those shows are up there with my greatest moments. Same as that grand final I'm talking about. But you know, ACDC, like it's the sort of stuff where I'm in the crowd and I'm like crying, you know, it's that it has that much significance, and they have that much significance on my life. Um, you know, I probably should talk about that a bit more on the podcast. But anyway, that's never so down the track because ACDC have just about saved my life. Well, they have on more than one occasion. So that's down the track. But you know, I remember being at these shows right at the front, one of them in particular. But again, this is constant, but you know, Thunderstruck was playing, and I remember thinking that I was anxious about, oh, you know, you know, how am I going to get back to the car? And oh, you know, like just again, it was a general anxiety, and a lot of it wasn't specific. There were some things, like I said, that was a little bit more detailed, like, you know, getting out of the car park, but who cares? You know, ACDC's playing thunderstruck, and I'm literally at the front on the barrier, and Angus is in front of me, like, come on, who cares? Be in the moment, Elliot. Live in the moment, which is something I really struggle with. And even in that moment, I remember thinking, you know, why am I anxious in journal? Just enjoy the show. Now, although I did enjoy the show, like I said, the anxiety, it never goes away. It is always there. Always. Now, this is the thing,

Anxiety As Protection Gone Wrong

Speaker 14:03

right? Circling back now, finally, to what I'm talking about here today and not being able to get things done. The thing is, anxiety, right, is very limiting. Um, anxiety, its role is to stop you from doing dumb things that could put your life in danger. You know, that's essentially what anxiety is all about. It's a protective measure. Anxiety when it's controlled and when it's at a level that is, you know, that can be justified for the for the context in which you find yourself in, anxiety is great. You know, it's a lifesaver, literally. And I was certainly, I'm not saying I want to get rid of it forever, but for me and for so many other people, it's doled up way too high. Way too high. And the thing is, like I said, anxiety is limiting. And when it's doled up way too high, not only does it stop you from walking out in front of a bus on the highway, it stops you from having a shave. It stops you from going grocery shopping, it stops you from washing your clothes, and it stops you from the bigger things as well. And that is the problem. Yes, ADHD plays a role because um, you know, I have this anxious spike, so the ADHD shifts my attention away from whatever it is that I probably should be attending to, trying to find something that isn't anxiety-provoking. So it's constantly bouncing around, you know, it's like, okay, we'll look in this corner. Nope, anxiety. We'll look in that one. Oh, there's anxiety there too. Nope, we'll jump around, you know, and that's what it does. But like everything, it's fueled by anxiety. And, you know, anxiety, you know, we know about fight or flight, but for me, the majority of the time, it's freeze mode. Freeze mode with anxiety is well, I don't know if it's as prevalent for people as it seems to be. And but I don't think it's spoken about enough. You know, everyone knows fight or flight, but freeze, I think, is the big one, or at least it is for me. And that's what happens. I freeze and I don't get anything done because I can't. I'm too anxious to move. And that's what happens. Even the little things, I'm too anxious to move until it gets to a point when sub, because subconsciously, you know, I know that these things are adding up. I know what I need to be doing because, you know, if I do force myself to, which I never do because it's too scary, but if I ever force myself to write a list of the things I need to do, I can get them, you know, I come up with the list very, very easily. It's not because, you know, it's because it's there. The list is in my head. It's just that um I choose whether

Freeze Mode ADHD And The List

Speaker 16:30

consciously or subconsciously, I choose not to consciously look at my subconscious that contains this information. But believe me, it is there. And when I finally get to the threshold where I tip from freeze to just full-on panic mode, I don't know if it's fight or flight, it's probably all of it, it's everything, then I hit panic mode, and that's what I mean right now. Um, and all of a sudden everything needs to be done because a lot of it does need to be done, and I get so frustrated and angry because it's like, man, you know, a lot of these things are not a big deal. And if I just chip away at things every day, well, then life would be so much better, you know, like it'd be easier, I'd feel more in control, and then I'd have more capacity, you know, I'll talk about capacity a fair bit, to do the things that I really want to do and to, you know, focus on the bigger projects as well. But unfortunately, when you can't even get the fundamentals right, like having a shave and washing your clothes until you reach a point of panic, you know, what chance have you got of attending to the big things that are going to be anxiety provoking because of the significance that they hold? And it just does my head in that this pattern keeps repeating over and over again. And it's anxiety, like it is with me with just about everything, it's anxiety. You know, yeah, ADHD plays a role, you know, all of the other disorders, like I've said, that they all play a role. And um, you know, it's it's pretty plain to me that they are all, you know, valid. But when it comes to what the most pervasive and constant, I guess, disorder that I deal with, it's generalized anxiety disorder. It's always there. It doesn't turn off, it doesn't matter what medications I've thrown at, it doesn't matter how much meditation I do, how many lists I write, you know, it just doesn't go away. It doesn't go away. And then I get to the point like I am today where there's all this stuff that needs doing, and it's extremely overwhelming. And what I want to do is freeze, but my anxiety now is, I guess, forcing me not to freeze, which hurts, you know, and like physically it hurts. Seriously. Like when I was doing the shaving thing before, like I even thought to myself, I was like, it feels like I'm in pain, you know, and it's it's a horrible, horrible feeling. And it's even worse knowing that it could all be avoided if I was just a you know functional adult, but I'm not, as we know. And then it gets to this point and panic just takes over, and then eventually, you know, like I do get this stuff done. And once I do, I'm exhausted. I'm like, man, all right, from now on, I don't know how many times I've said this, from now on, I'm gonna just chip away every day and just do, you know, do little things every day to make sure that I'm on top of things, and it never works because this anxiety doesn't let me. And yeah, and like I said, I've got a bit of an excuse at the moment because of this new role, and and all of my energies and capacity is focused on this job, and you know, in some ways that's a good thing, and I've always been able, I guess, to do that. Um, but it is to the detriment of everything else. And although, you know, I've done pretty well in this new role, I think I'm you know, the feedback has been positive, and um, you know, I I think it was even mentioned that I was exceeding expectations, which is always a good thing. So, you know, go me. I'm not completely, you know, hopeless, and I'm not, I'm just so hamstrung

Handbrake Metaphor And Burnout

Speaker 20:00

by anxiety, you know, it's this handbrake that I just can't let off. So I've got to just put the accelerator down and drive through the handbrake. You know, when you've got a car and you just floor it, if your handbrake's not super solid, you can sort of still move, and you know, the handbrake will obviously you know stop you from going driving properly, but you know, you can sort of accelerate through it if you really give it enough, and that's that's my whole life, and that's why I'm so exhausted all the time, I think, because I'm constantly fighting this handbrake and I just cannot release it. Um, so yeah, I'm just extremely frustrated because like you know, I I washed my clothes easy, you know, that was easy. Took me, you know, it didn't take long at all to put them on the line, and I did two loads and one's already in and folded and everything, and it's all good, and I had to shave, and that was easy enough, and and um, you know, I I had to do some stuff at the uni, uh, which I've done some of it, but you know, that was easy enough. It's like, come on, why can't we just do this without having to be so overwhelmed and panic stricken that then I'm forced into action? You know, why can't I do this voluntarily and when I want and be in control of it and have that, you know, be empowered to grab my life by the horns, you know, and and steer it in the direction I want to go. You know, I like I am doing that, but it's just such a difficult process because I just can't release this handbrake. Um, so anyway, and that's you know, and and it's just yeah, like I don't and then I guess this anxiety that I feel at the moment, like the panic, it like that that is fed income. You know, it's valid and it should be because there is a lot of stuff I've got to do, you know. I've got to get resilient roadways going. I've got other commitments at the university I need to get done, which I wanted to get done over this weekend, but again, I sort of pivoted away from it because it was too anxiety provoking. It's like, well, you know what's even more anxiety provoking? Elliot, um, not doing these things and then being overwhelmed like I am now. But that's the thing, right? This is why these are disorders, and yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't choose to live like this. People don't choose to live like this. No one wants to live like this. Who who would ever want to be anxious 24-7? Like it's terrible. Um, it is absolutely terrible. And that's why they're disorders, because this isn't, you know, the majority of this isn't in my control. Yeah, there are probably ways that I could maybe make this pro, but well, you know, but that's the thing. I'm 35, and I reckon if I was able to come up with a way to, you know, get around all this, and I I think I would have already come up with it. And like I said, I've thrown every medication under the sun at this thing, this anxiety monster, and it just won't go away. Doesn't matter what psychotherapy I've done, it just doesn't go away. And for a lot of people, this is how they, how we live. You know, this isn't a phenomenon that's exclusive to me, and I'm well aware of that. This isn't Elliott disorder, this is generalized anxiety disorder. And a lot of people feel like I do. And there's a lot of you listening right now that'll be going, you know, in your own context, of course, you know, these disorders manifest themselves uniquely to the individual. But at the same time, like I say a lot here on the potty and in my presentations and stuff, there's the fundamentals that we all share. And I think, you know, there'll be a lot of you guys and girl, you know, guys and girls, um thinking, yeah, you know, like in my own way, I've I get this, this happens to me too, and it sucks, doesn't it? You know, doesn't it? Yeah, I I'm imagining you're all going, yes, Elliot, it does. And it does. And it's you know, and in a way, it's this feeling that drives me forward in the things that I want to achieve in this space because it is hell, um, and I don't want people to feel like I do. And so in some ways, I I sort of like no, I don't like, no, that's not the word. I don't like this at all. But you know, these moments where I'm panic stricken do remind me of, you know, although it's panic stricken because I'm not able to really do the things I want to do in this space easily, but it does remind me of the purpose that I'm chasing, you know, to stop people feeling like this. And it's like, yeah, okay, you know, this is a reminder, not that I need it, but you know, people go through this and it's hell. And it's it's it's something that, you know, if there's any way I can alleviate that for people, that's what I'm trying to do. But I guess the the catch 22 or the irony of this is the fact that a lot of this panic is because I'm unable to do the things to try and achieve that purpose, you know? It's a self-defeating sort of you know, negative feedback loop. It's just oh man, it gets me frustrated. But anyway, it is what it is. So that's the story, everybody. I'm pretty happy that I've been able to get this episode out. Um, I think I mentioned at the start that I was using a new microphone, which I am, very expensive, and I don't really know if it's I don't know if I I can really justify the price that I pay. But anyway, whatever, you know, this is part of the meaning and purpose. You know, it's it's all good. So hopefully I'm sounding really crisp and clear. Um, and you know, my tones are nice and you know, they're they're resonating in a way that that really just hits home because of the tone and the the timber of my voice. Anyway, um, so hopefully this recording actually works and comes out pretty good. That'll be really good. So anyway, we'll

Ratings Sharing And Closing Thoughts

Speaker 25:40

see. Um so thank you for listening as always. Now, of course, if you are enjoying the show, feel free, please, to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating because it is good for the algorithm. Um, on Spotify, for example, I'm getting close-ish to 100 reviews and I'm sitting on 4.9. Um, I don't know who gave me a one-star review. Someone did, I'm sure they accidentally pressed the wrong button, but that's okay. Um, so if you haven't, or if you are listening on, well, Apple Podcasts as well, Spotify, if you would be able to give the show uh, if you are enjoying it, say a five-star rating, that would be great because it is good for the algorithm. Um, lately, I I don't know how this works, but there's there's a a website called Good Pods and my podcast, the dysregulated podcast here, our podcast, I should say. It's not just mine, it's you know, it's a team effort, I reckon. Um, but it has been ranking in the top anxiety list, the top autism. Um, I think it was in the top 100 for psychology. This isn't, um, as far as I'm aware, this isn't actual streams, this is um rankings based on the content. So that's pretty cool. I think I was a top 10 in for OCD or something, which is pretty cool. So maybe I need to do a few more episodes on OCD um to justify that. But yeah, so I don't know how that works. But anyway, I just thought I'd report that. That's pretty cool. Um, so yeah, and of course, if you are finding benefit from hearing my story and and the you know, the the stories I tell, and you think somebody close to you may benefit also, of course, feel free to share the show um um with your mates or your family, friends, you know, all of that sort of stuff. Um, because yeah, like I said, a lot of my purpose is to try and alleviate some of um I guess the you know the anxieties and the different flavours of mental ill health that's a lot of us carry. And um, I've been involved in research recently, uh more on this down the track, but uh that that actually highlights how podcasts do have a positive benefit for people um when it comes to listening to others' lived experience and then being able to, I guess, consolidate their own lived experience into a narrative that makes sense. So, you know, the research that I've uh I've read says that podcasts are quite a powerful tool, and um, so yeah, I'm waffling at the moment because I'll tell you why, because I'm relaxed all of a sudden. See, again, this is because I've been able to tick something off. This episode has been a long time coming, and the fact that I've been able to now do it, assuming the recording comes out okay, um, I feel relaxed. So now I'm just chatting, you know, how good's this? But oh man, I wish I'd done this weeks ago because, you know, then I wouldn't have had to go through the panic that I've been going through. Um, and that's the thing, this will be short-lived because there's a whole stack of other things I know that I need to be doing, and already I'm thinking about them. So there you go. As soon as I thought, oh, you know, I'm feeling a little bit more relaxed, the anxiety jumps back in. Or that was always in the corner hiding and not hiding very well. Um, but anyway, so yes, the research is pretty clear that podcasts seem to have a positive benefit for people. So yeah, if you think um, you know somebody that might benefit from this show, feel free to pass it on. That would be awesome because every time somebody listens to this show, my graph goes up, right? And every time my graph goes up, the dopamine in my brain goes up as well, you know. So you guys listening to the show are my best antidepressant, along with the Newcastle Knights winning football games, which they've been doing lately, which is great. Um, so yes, so more on that research down the track, um, because that is one of the, again, those tasks I need to be doing, um, you know, being able to attend to and do some work on. But it's pretty exciting what what the research already, uh not my research, but research from other institutes and universities show when it comes to podcast lived experience. So there you go. Um let me think. Is there anything else to report? Uh, I don't think so. I think that is about it. Again, sorry about the delay in getting episodes done. Um, you know, hopefully the the frequency of episodes will increase again once I get a few of these tasks done. And the reason why I'm panicking at the moment is because a lot of these things I need to be doing, a lot of it's got to do with the university, actually, um, sort of needs to be done over the next few days. So I'm hoping a bit of a backlog of things that I need to do once they're sort of out of the way, and that's the thing, usually I am able to get it all done. It's very rare that I don't actually get these things done. It's just such a horrible process, unfortunately. Um, but you know, once a lot of those things are out of the way, then hopefully I'll be able to pivot back towards um some projects uh I guess that are of my own doing. This podcast, the dysregulated podcast, being a huge part of that. And the Instagram and Facebook page as well. I want to get the videos going again too, but you know, you know the story, you know, about the backlog and the anxiety. So stay tuned for that. But yeah, just uh don't expect the videos to come back um tomorrow, for example, but it's certainly on my radar because again, I think it's great insight if I'm able to illustrate what it's like living with the brain complexity that I seem to have um every day because every day's a battle. Uh some days I win, some days I don't, but every day is a battle. All right, that's enough waffling because I've got other stuff to do. I need to attend to other things. Thank you for listening, and I will see you next time here on the Dis Regulator Podcast.