Late Night Second Recording

SPEAKER_00 0:00

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, so this is actually the second episode, can you believe it, that I've recorded this evening or tonight? Um, so let me give you a bit of context into what's been going on. So I just recorded an episode uh down at Newcastle Beach where I do a lot of deep thinking because I'm back in Newcastle or I had been for the weekend, and there's been a lot going on inside of my mind, which is nothing unusual, but there's been particular themes that keep popping up and have been popping up for a little bit. And I just recorded an episode that went for an hour of me just walking up and down, up and down the beach, uh reflecting on some of my thoughts uh when it comes to these themes and issues, right? So I'm driving right now, I'm just leaving the beach now because it's starting to rain and it's getting pretty late, and I've got to leave tomorrow back in the truck to go do a pickup in Sydney, and then I think I'm taking it back to Wadonga. I think, I don't know, but you know, that's the nature of transport. Uh, shifting sands, things tend to change a lot. Um, anyway, but what just happened before uh was that I was doing this episode on the beach. Like I said, that's where I've done a lot of deep thinking, and this was a particularly deep episode, and it was very true, or it is very true, to how I'm feeling at the moment. But the thing is, I just reflected on it then and I'm like, I don't know, it's very negative, which look, that's fine mostly. Um, but I am a bit concerned that people who listen to it who are also battling mental illness and maybe have similar sort of thoughts deep down as what I was expressing in this episode. I don't know, maybe it'd be a bit triggering for people because it it painted a pretty bleak picture of the future. But then I don't know. I don't know, like it's how I'm feeling, so I'm not sure. It's it's a real tough one because I don't want to make people feel worse about their own situations, that's for sure. That is certainly not the point

Raw Honesty Versus Triggering Listeners

SPEAKER_00 2:20

of what I'm trying to do. Um, but at the same time, you know what the show is like. You've been listening to it, and I say it all the time that there is no, as far as I'm concerned, and as far as I'm aware, there's no show or podcast on the internet or anything that goes as deep into the world of mental illness and what's like living with it than the dysregulated podcast. And I stand by that statement, and it's a promise that I um have made to you guys, and I talk about a lot, that I am going to produce content that offers insights that nobody else, well, I was gonna say nobody else can, but nobody else does. I think we all can, but not all of us, maybe for whatever reason, although you know, confidence is something I don't really have. But when it comes to this sort of stuff, I I just don't care. I just go for it and say everything. Um, and and I'm glad that I do. But at the same time, I've got, you know, I've got to be careful because I don't want to make people feel worse. I want people to feel maybe more understood. I want people that maybe don't understand mental illness personally to feel as though they get it a bit more because of listening to my experiences and my insights. And that's what I'm trying to do is to get people either to understand that they're not alone going through these things, and maybe for other people to understand on some level to some degree what it's like for other people who are going through these things. So this episode is particularly the one I'm talking about that I did just before is particularly like, you know, I said through it a lot because it goes for an hour and I think I was waffling on a little bit, but at the same time, you know, it is a reflection of how I've been thinking and how I do think. Because I think uh obsessively, I get into these negative loops and I just keep going around and around and around. And when I record these episodes, um I try not to fall into that trap too much because although uh you know that's how I do think and I want to um accurately portray my thoughts as as genuinely, as honestly as possible, it's still got to be in a way that people are able to listen to it and sort of want to listen to it, or else, you know, what's the point? Um, and I I I don't know, see at the end of episodes, I always get this negative feeling, this wave. It's like I snap out of the disassociation that I was in, just talking about, you know, the deepest things that I think about uh and experience, and I sort of snap out of it and I never finish an episode and go, man, you know, I reckon that was pretty good. I'm happy with that. I'm happy that I spoke about those things, you know, all is good, I've done well, I've done the podcast proud and myself. You know, I just don't think those things. And when I finish them, my first thoughts are always, oh yeah, that was garbage, that sucked because of this. I didn't say this properly, but you know, the inner critic stuff, all that sort of stuff. Um, but ordinarily I'm able to just go, you know what? It's almost like closing my eyes and just going, right, I'm just pressing the button, I'm pressing submit, I'm doing it. Um, and then you know, I never listen to them again because I I struggle to get past the negativity. Unfortunately, it lingers. Um, but you know, people's feedback, thank you, everybody that provides the positive feedback. I use that as evidence to push back against my inner critic and say, no, this content, this stuff I'm talking about is important and it has value. And, you know, to some degree, it's helping people, helping people under understand themselves, helping people understand others, those they care about, all that sort of stuff. Keep doing it, Elliot, because even if you don't believe it, um the evidence from others, which is far more objective, is saying you're doing a good thing, keep it up. So, but this episode, I don't know, I just feel as though I waffled. Um which I can, you know, like episodes I do, well, I'm probably doing it now. Um, but uh it felt a bit clunky again, though. Often ordinarily, I can sort of absorb that criticism from the self or from my inner critic. Um, because it's like, yeah, maybe it was clunky, maybe I did waffle a bit, but like that that's how I think, that's how my psyche works, my mind, my brain, you know. And it's like that's what this podcast is about. It's a it's me expressing what it's like for me living with mental illness. You know, this is my journal at its most fundamental level. So that's all part of the deal. And I'm pretty confident that people don't tune in to this podcast expecting a polished performance, you know, a really professional, um, squeaky, clean, edited, you know, I don't edit anything. Um, podcast. I don't think people expect that, I don't think people want that because that's not what this is about. It's about being all those things that I keep going on about being raw, being real, honest, genuine, authentic, all that sort of stuff, and fair dinkum. But the thing that has got me a bit worried about this episode is the fact that it's quite negative. Uh, and you know, I think I'm saying things that others who are in a similar situation, uh, you know, I think other people's inner critics may tell individuals the same things as I was saying, but the way I said it was quite compelling, I think. Uh, and I made the point pretty clear that I feel as though my destiny, my fate has been sealed, and a lot of it is going to be disappointing in the long run. And unfortunately, I'm going to miss out on a lot of those, I guess, fundamental human experiences that everyone around me seems to be able to have. Um, and and for those that have listened to the show, you could probably guess what I'm talking about, I could tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about, you know, relationships, partners, partners in crime, you know, someone to go on this journey with, having a family, children, you know, the stuff that evolution biology says is is in many ways the meaning of life, you know. And I am pretty certain that these things that I don't think other people, some people would take it for granted, but you know, like most people expect that these things in their life will happen, and I think for most people it seems to. Um, but you know, I don't believe those things are going to happen for me. I don't. Maybe I'm gonna do a different version of the episode I just recorded before. I don't know.

Fear Of Missing Life Milestones

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Now I'm starting to get into it. Let's see. As I drive around Newcastle late at night, you know, just reminiscing as I drive past places that reminds me of past relationships and not all the memories around here are good, that's for sure. Anyway, what was I saying? Yes, those fundamentals. So I was making the argument that my meaning and purpose that I've chosen to pursue with everything I've got, right? Is about, you know, my two passions of mental health and transport, the road transport industry, and and putting them together and trying to do what I can to change or or at least help people live the best lives they can, you know, for those people that are going through stuff that I'm going through or things that maybe I'm able to relate to and empathize with and have the skills and the ability to maybe come up with some ways to help people with these battles because not only I'm going through a lot of similar battles as well, but you know, I've got a degree in psychology. I've done a lot of, you know, I'm a researcher in psychology, I don't have to go through all the things that I am trying to do in the space. Um, but you know, and also the main thing is basically that I I feel as though I do actually have a voice, which is not something that people who are battling mental illness um necessarily believe. And I've met so many people. Geez, this episode as well is going way off track. But anyway, I don't care. I'm going to it and I'm gonna upload this one. I don't care. All right. Um, I'm saying that more to myself, but still, this is gonna happen. But I've met a lot of people in hospital, um, great people, just about everyone I've met. In fact, I've never met a bad person in hospital in the psychiatric wards, and maybe they're there are fundamentally bad people, although I don't know if that's true. I think people's life experiences and stuff mould you a certain way, and I think you know, we all start off as good people, and then things happen, and and you know, people respond to that, and sometimes it's not in ways that's very nice to other people, but you know, anyway, um what I'm saying is that just about everybody, if not everybody, I've met in hospital, um are good people, are fighters, are unbelievably resilient, and certainly have not chosen to be in the predicament that they're in. You know, none of us are in psychiatric wards going, man, even me, you know, when I'm even though I'm obsessed with mental health and psychology and stuff, I've never been in psychiatric wards thinking, man, this is unreal. I'm so lucky to be here. You know, maybe if I was there as a researcher or or something in a professional capacity, uh,

Finding A Voice In Psych Wards

SPEAKER_00 11:55

yeah, maybe, but you know, that hasn't happened. I've been in there because I've been a patient. Because I've been at the point where um the fight has got so difficult that I needed help or else, you know, the fight would probably end. So thank goodness for the psychiatric wards. Well, I guess from that point of view, you know, I I have been lucky to be able to be in psych wards, but you know, you're not there laying in bed thinking this is unreal, this is awesome, having a great time, you know. Even if you do realize that it's the safest and the best place to be. Right, so anyway, back to the point that I'm trying to make, if I can remember it, is that I've met, like I said, great people, fighters who have unbelievable stories and there's so much to learn from them. But the problem is, you know, the vast majority never believed, at least at that point, that their voice mattered or that they had one at all. Because the mental illnesses like depression and anxiety and then um others as well, like you know, the personality disorders and whatever, with schizophrenia, you know, these mental illnesses, they certainly aren't trying to build you up, you know. They're trying to convince you in their own particular way, uh, and they're all very successful at this. Um, they're trying to convince you that you don't have a voice, that your voice doesn't matter, and your experiences, your lived experience has no value. And, you know, and that's why you end up in hospital because that that message gets too loud, too, too strong. It it sounds too um, you know, logical, at least in that moment. And it's like, right, no, I don't have a voice. Um, but let me tell you, uh, everybody in there, like I said, you know, the experien the lived experience in psychiatry wards, so much can be learnt, so much can be, you know, the insights, it's just oh, unbelievable. But it's so sad because like I said, you know, pretty much everybody except for me somehow, um, didn't believe that they had a voice, or if they did believe they had a voice, it didn't matter. So what was the point of using it, you know? Um, which is just heartbreaking. And I don't know why I have, you know, believe that I do have a voice and that it is worthy if I'm able to be in a position to be able to use it. Um that's the thing, I guess, where the difference um or one of the differences that I saw was that you know, I I believe, like I said, that I did have a voice and it mattered. It was more about the fact that I wasn't able to use it because of all these negative forces within my mind that wouldn't allow me to speak, you know. But that's a bit different than than what I was saying a lot of other people seemed to experience that I met, you know. It's it's different, it's subtle, but it's different. And I think it's that difference as to why I guess I've gone on to, you know, make this podcast and be a presenter for the Black Dog Institute and and do my degree and work in psychological research and you know, use my voice in that capacity, offering lived experience insights and having that belief that what I have to say is valuable and may help people. I don't know, it's weird, isn't it? It's weird. I I don't know if I've ever thought about it that clearly like I have just then. It's amazing what comes to mind when you know you start rambling on a bit, because let me tell you right now, this is not the direction in which I thought this episode was going to go. But like I said, who cares? Whatever happens here is getting published. So why uh here we go. You know how every episode there's always a point where I completely forget where I'm up to, and I you know blame my ADHD for that, which I think is is a sound um you know assumption or logical belief on that, but happens every episode just about, and it's just happened again. I've got no idea why I was talking about my voice. Uh anyway, don't know. Um it may come back to me. I may circle back around to it. Uh let's see, let's press on. So the point of this episode, what was I doing this episode for? Oh yes, because I just did an hour-long um ramble about what I've been thinking about lately, and it's quite negative as as most of my sort of thinking is, especially at the moment. Um, and I am concerned that instead of offering insights and and you know, people may come away from this episode feeling worse about themselves, and that's not what I want, but it's hard because I'm not gonna lie to people. I'm not gonna lie to you guys, I'm gonna tell you the truth, you know, of what's going on. I'm not gonna sugarcoat things, but to the extent that it doesn't impact people in a significant negative way, because that's the last thing I want to be doing. And that, as you can imagine, I'm sure that is a that's a that's a that's a tough line to tread. And I don't know, there might have been episodes if you guys would know better than me, because once I record them, I never listen to them again because I'm too embarrassed, really. Um and I I always have this belief, like I said earlier, that they're they're no good. Um, but did I say that in this episode or the one previous? Anyway, whatever. Um, so maybe there have been other episodes where you guys have come away from it thinking, geez, you know, that makes me feel like garbage. And I hope that's not the case, but um yeah, I I've been a little bit worried from my walk from Newcastle Beach to the car that maybe that's what this episode um was gonna do for people. But I don't know, what can I say? You know, I've been thinking a lot about the fact

Trucking Life Makes Dating Unworkable

SPEAKER_00 17:50

that I'm not gonna get married. I'm not gonna meet that life partner to share memories with and then have a happy, beautiful little family of children that are amazing and maybe don't think like their father does, um, but of course are very empathetic as they get older for people with mental health concerns, you know, that I'll I would have made sure of that if it was gonna be a reality. But that's the thing, you know, I don't believe now that's gonna happen. And instead of trying to shy away from that belief, that potential truth, like I've been doing for a long time, now at the point where I'm turning back towards them, I'm trying to accept it. I guess that's the transition that's been going on lately. And the reason for that transition is in a lot in a big way is because of my um absolute pursual of my meaning and purpose, which is the transport and the mental health stuff. Um, but as you would be aware if you've listened to the episodes recently, I've started this new job, right? In transport, driving trucks, um, and moving to Wadonga. And what I'm discovering every day is I'm in a truck for 12 hours or more, and you know, I I don't have an opportunity to meet people. Like there's no chance of me going on a date with somebody because I don't have time. If I'm not working big hours, I'm so tired that if I did go on a date, I wouldn't be in the mood to anyway, because I feel like garbage. And even if I was in the mood, I think I'd be too tired to be able to put on a bit of a show and and present the best version of me. I just don't think it's possible at the moment. One, because I don't have the time, and that's the main thing. But two, even if I did, which I don't, I don't think I'd have the capacity to be able to do it. At least not in a way that would make someone think, hey, this Elliot guy, not only is he a hottie, but he he's so unique. Um, I just can't, you know, I he's just amazing. Um, and speaking of the hottie thing, like you should see. Well, there's a photo that I posted on the podcast Instagram and Facebook page that you can have a look at of me doing a podcast interview actually recently. That's pretty much why I'm back in Newcastle. And I look so tired, I look so rough, and that's because I am tired and feeling rough. Um, because working in transport, especially for the company that I work for, you know, I chose this particular company because this is the, this is the, you know, this is the toughest of the tough, you know. And I know and knew when I started that if I could make it work at this joint, then I am a good operator. And that's a big part of what I'm trying to achieve. I want to be a great operator. Uh, and to do that, you've got to really extend yourself. And my God, am I extending myself? Um, but um, yeah, like I look, I look rough, I look haggard, I look really tired because I am. And you know, I just don't see the potentiality for me to be able to meet somebody, and even if I didn't meet them, to be able to put on, not put it on, but present the best version of me to keep someone interested. I just don't think it's possible. And I knew that when I decided to go back into transport to drive trucks and to do the industry properly and and and choose the company that I did, I knew that by accepting that I was going back into it and I was going to throw everything at this meaning and purpose of the mental health and the transport and then putting it together, um, you know, I I was sort of accepting my fate, my destiny, that it meant that the idea of a wife and a family just, you know, that was it. That was the end. I was signing off any chance of that happening. Um, and I wouldn't say I'll uh I've been exactly comfortable with that, but I don't think I've really had a choice. Um Yeah, for a while it felt like leading up to making this decision and deciding to move to Wadonga, which again, that it very quickly, that in itself is difficult because I've moved to a place where I don't know anybody. And in order to meet people and and know people and get friends and and all that sort of stuff, and then maybe meet someone for a relationship, like you gotta, you know, you gotta you gotta be able to get out there and meet people. And I can't do that. And it's one thing if I chose to work for a company here in Newcastle, because at least then if I was able to, you know, do something outside of work, well, I mean Newcastle and I know people, and hopefully I'd be able to, you know, do something that way. But let's not forget, I've I've been in Newy for since I last moved back, since I lived in Manchester in the UK for six months. Like that was years ago now, and I haven't met it, I haven't really met anyone. So, you know, it's not happening anyway. Um, but it certainly is difficult when you move to a place where you don't know anybody, you've got no social connections at all, and then you're working in a in a job that doesn't really allow you any time to be able to do any of those things, even if you could. Um, and if you are afforded the time, you're too tired anyway to have the energy to be bothered uh to be able to do anything about that sort of stuff. So I knew that that this was all gonna happen, and I knew I just about sign-sealed my fate, and that I was saying goodbye to any chance of getting those things, partners, families, and even like meeting friends and stuff. So that's the thing, right? I'm back in Newcastle, and you know, I haven't seen anybody. Well, sorry, that's not true. I've seen my family, uh, which is great, but you know, I haven't seen any of my friends, any of my mates, and that's also part of the reality of working in the transport industry, which is why I want to try and do something for the mental health of operators and truckies and forkies doing night shifts and stuff, because this is the reality. The the demands of the industry, it's it's not just a job, and you sacrifice so much um to keep the wheels turning. You know, it's it's just it's so hard on people, and it's been so hard on me. Uh, and coming back home the newy, which is the first time in a couple of weeks that I have, um, you know, I haven't been able to see people because everyone else is living their lives, which is having wives and families of their own. And um, you know, like I I can't people aren't able to just be able to drop everything and just, you know, oh Elliot's back for two days, I'll go seeing. Like, it just doesn't happen. Um, which is all right, well, like it's it's like I don't have any bad feelings towards me mates and stuff that I'm not able to see for whatever reason. And a lot of it too is because also, again, I'm so tired, like it's hard for me to make the effort myself, even if the opportunities presented themselves. But the reality is of doing this work and chasing this meaning and purpose, these two passions of mine, is that part of the sacrifice is friendship, social connections, um, the opportunity to find a partner if if you don't have one already as you go into the industry or back into the industry like I am. Um, and therefore it's also very difficult to create a family. It's it's near impossible the way I see it anyway. Um so that realization that essentially by doing or pursuing what I am is going to just about ensure and lock in a future of mine where I miss out on those, you could say, human fundamental experiences, you know, that is a bit of pill to swallow. And although I think I've made the right decision by pursuing this meaning and purpose, like you've got to pursue your meaning and purpose, the I guess the broader issue there is the fact that my meaning and purpose, the scope is not broad enough that it includes a family and a partner and all that sort of stuff, and and seeing mates all the time and hanging out and having a strong social connection to people. Um, because my belief that I can get those things has dissipated thanks to my mental illnesses. Um and so over the years I've stripped my meaning and purpose back to being very defined indeed, to the point where now it is so defined that you know I know exactly where I want to go, but it doesn't include the potential for any of those things. It's gone. They're not within the scope of my meaning and purpose, which means if I do pursue my meaning and purpose with everything I've got, which I think we all should do, but that's the thing, if it's so defined and it's stripped away things like that, well, you don't have the energy or the capacity to pursue those things because it's not within the framework that you're working towards. Um, it's just not an option.

Diagnoses And The Belief It’s Sealed

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Now you could say, well, Elliot, why don't you broaden the scope of your meaning and purpose to include those things again? And this is, I guess this is the point I was making in the episode where I got a bit concerned about making people feel worse. Um I'm not going to tread lightly because this is important, this is you know, such a core thought that I have, uh core theme that produces such strong emotions. And it's something that you know I do sort of believe, and I'm not seeing evidence to the contrary, and that is that my complex mental uh health, my complex psychology, psyche, my mind, my brain, and the uh differences that there are compared to the norm or the average, I think that those uh differences, you could say deficiencies, you could say uh defectiveness, you know, qualities, um parts of my minds that don't uh uh operate in a way that is optimal, you know what I mean. The fact I've got autism, the fact I've got borderline personality disorder, chronic social anxiety, chronic generalized anxiety, which is so limiting, all of that is, you know. Um OCD, these obsessive thoughts I can't get rid of that I've spoken about on the podcast at length, um, you know, all the other disorders that I I can't even, you know, ADHD, the recurrent depressive episodes, the bipolar type 2 diagnosis, um, all of these things, these are the qualities, qualities, these are the you know, the influences on my mind and my behaviour and my emotions and my thoughts. I am now at the point where I don't believe there is the option for me to have those things that I would really like. A wife, children. I I don't think those things are uh they're not going to happen for me. That's the realization I guess I've come to. And that's why they've been stripped away out of my meaning and purpose. Because, you know, years ago, my meaning and purpose was all about, you know, I could I can still visualize um what I was manif trying to manifest my wife to be, to look like, my children to look like, what we would be doing, you know, the work I'd be doing, all that sort of stuff as well. But it was all centered around the family unit. And unfortunately, over the years, um, you know, a lot of failed relationships, there's a lot of broken hearts there. You know, my heart has been broken multiple times. And, you know, looking back, not all of it was my fault, but a lot of it, the majority, can be linked just about directly to these mental illnesses and these negative dark forces that occupy my mind. Okay, that's the reality of things. And it's a good thing in some ways I've come to the point where I'm accepting it, but it's also really difficult because that is not something you want to have to accept. That's a terrible um, you know, conclusion to come to. And it's even worse when you know you now believe that with just about all of the logical capacity, you know, thinking, wise mind, if we want to think, DBT, you know, dialectical behavior therapy stuff, you know, my wise mind says, you know what, Elliot, there's a lot of evidence that would suggest that what you're saying here is true. And unfortunately, you know, not everybody gets to experience those amazing things. Right? Now, I'm not now I'm not saying if you also, and I know many of you listening will be, if you are also afflicted with mental illnesses, that doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to have to come to the same conclusions that I have. It's just that's you know, this is a very case-by-case thing. And look, to be honest, I could be wrong, I could be wrong. I may look back if I do continue with this belief and I do turn away from any chance or any efforts to getting these things, um, you know, I may look back and go, you know what? I think I was actually wrong on that, but unfortunately, then I would have massive regrets and be like, holy dooley, I've missed my chest. See, I don't know, that's really scary as well. God, that scares me. That if if that's what turns out, I actually go, you know what? I did do a lot of well, this is true too, I think. I did do a lot of therapy, I've done so much work on the self. Um, I'm not the same person in the sense that I'm not unstable. I don't mean that in like a violent, unstable way, but you know, emotionally dysregulated like I like I still am, but not like I was, you know. And that's true, actually. I have done so much therapy, I've taken so many medications. Um and you know, like I've I've done so much research, I've done so much work on myself, you know, like away from anyone else, so much thinking, and like this podcast, for example, has been a huge part of me moving forward in a way that is not as destructive to the self like it was previously. And you know what? You know, now I'm sort of thinking the other way. Um, that's all true. Like that's definitely true. There's no part of me that doesn't believe any of that. Um I you know, I am a lot, I am a lot more stable, I guess, than I used to be. I am. Um, don't get me wrong, like we know, there's some pretty dark thoughts that still occupy my mind big time. There is so much anxiety, so much. And here comes the negative way of thinking again. A lot of my relationship issues have been linked to so a lot of my relationship issues in relationships has been linked to borderline personality disorder, right? Now, BPD very quickly um does act differently whether you're in a relationship or if you're not, and it's a bit hard to tell how much progress has been made as far as the BPD in a relationship stuff is concerned unless you test it out. And the thing is, I haven't had the opportunity to test it out. You know, I'm I'm quite confident that things are different. I really am, I really am, I am, but again, I haven't actually had the opportunity to test this theory, and therefore I can't say with complete certainty that that's actually the case. And and that is something that plays on my my mind a bit because it's like, God, if I get in a relationship again, I'm actually wrong. Like, I can't go through that again. I even said um today to my family, I was like, because I don't know, they're asking if I was seeing anyone down in Wadonga, and I said, no, no, I don't have time for that or the energy, like I just said before. But you know, I said to them, I don't know if I could even try a relationship again. Every relationship I've been in, I've ended up in hospital. Um, through no fold of my ex-girlfriends, by the way. But you know, it's true. And and it's like, do I take that risk again? And the problem is, you know, and this is something I've spoken about at length on previous episodes. Um, but I'll say very briefly again, which is BPD is is the disorder which most affects the people around the individual who's got it. You know, you tend to drag people down with you if you're not careful or if you're not able to. Well, that's the thing, it's a mental illness, isn't it? Like, that's what happens. Um, and God, I tried to avoid that so many times. That's why I used to go to hospital often in the relationships, because I was like, doctors, you gotta help me so you can help them, my partner, my girlfriend. But unfortunately, that never really happened. So anyway, uh, what was I here we go? What was I saying again? Yeah, so I don't actually know for sure that like my B per D is in remission. Um, but I'll tell you what, I've done so much work that I reckon it'd be, oh geez, I reckon it would be, but you know, I don't know for sure. Um, and so that's so B per D is what impacts in the relationship the most. But to be honest, what impacts me getting into one, so when I'm outside of one but wanting one, um, I've now discovered is autism. And as a sub-component of the broader autistic spectrum disorder, it's this social anxiety disorder as well. Because I'm petrified of meeting, even though I've been able to do it in the past, and I'll explain why I think that is in a minute. Generally speaking, though, even back in the day, like you know, I've just been so scared of social interactions in general, but you can imagine what it's like talking to a girl and trying to put on a bit of a show, like, man, that stuff is just it just petrifies me, and it still does. But here's the thing, right? You know, as I've said, I've been in relationships before, and I'm gonna have to do so much. Um at the end of this episode, I'm gonna explain what I want to do moving forward with the podcast, right? Because I've I have gone away a bit from the formula that I wanted to stick to. And I'll explain that at the end, all right? Um, and it's got to do with going back and talking about, for example, these relationships I keep referring to. Um, but uh what was I saying? Um, oh yeah, yeah. So talking to girls and stuff, trying to present the best version of you and having the belief that you're someone that's worthy of being, you know, that someone might actually be attracted to you. Like that is such a difficult concept to accept. And then it's a difficult concept to pretend that I accept at least enough that I can fool myself into acting out what it is I believe, I don't know, I need to be doing to make it count. Now, in the past, I was able to do that on a few occasions, you know. Like for all the negativity I talk about when it comes to girlfriends and attracting people and stuff, look, I'll be honest, I'm not. I've had quite a few girlfriends and I've had this this is my lack of self-esteem. This is why I'm doing this. But you know, I've I've had I've had a fair few romantic partners, you know. I'm well into double figures, and I'm more, you know, 20s or 30s. Anyway, that's not important. That is not important, Elliot. Stop it. That is that does not matter at all. But what I'm saying is that in the past I have been able to every now and then push past this belief that I'm defective and still, I guess, in some way, make it count, whatever that means. But including getting into relationships. Now, now, the thing is though, this was before I knew I had autism. I knew I was different, but I didn't know I had autism. This was before, again, this episode is going off track, but hey, this is what I've been thinking about. This is before I had the insight that I do now, the awareness of my condition or conditions, how these conditions affect my thoughts, my behaviors, my emotions, how I feel the world, how I perceive things, all that sort of stuff. Right. So, you know, I knew I always knew the thing I was a bit different, but I didn't realise maybe how different. Um, whereas now I am acutely aware because of the amount of insight I now have because of the work I've done on myself. Okay, stick with me. Okay, this is an important point. Um because now when I think about trying to, you know, find a cheeky babe to talk to and and try and, you know, cast my spell over him. Oh, geez, that's cringe, but you know what I mean. Um I just I can't push past the idea anymore that I'm different because I now know how different I am. I know in very fine graphic detail, unbelievably detailed, how I am different to others in how I act and behave and my emotions, all that sort of stuff, and how I think. All right. So now that I am, instead of having a hunch that I'm different, but being pretty sure about it, I now know 100% that I'm different. And I also know that some of these differences are not actually very good, okay? And a lot of them I wish I didn't have. And the fact that I now know this so acutely, it is so hard to be able to push past that knowledge and and be able to believe on some level that I'm worthy and then act that out. I just can't do it anymore. I can't do it. I can't. Because the whole time my inner critic that is emboldened, unfortunately, is saying to me, and maybe it's imposter syndrome too, the the you know, being an imposter trying to act out that I'm someone worthy. So maybe it's those two of my foes once again um being emboldened and saying, mate, mate, mate, what are you doing? You know, you've got no chance. You're a weirdo, you're different, you're you're not cut out for this life. You know that. You know that. And you also know how these relationships tend to end up. So, you know, don't do it, mate. And I'll be honest with you, I don't know if I can push past those beliefs anymore. Um, because I'm pretty sure they're actually right. I'm also pretty sure that I'm not, though, that there's there are qualities that I've got, you know, because I do believe I'm a good person now, which is great, but I just don't think it's enough to overcome my awareness of my situation.

When Insight Starts Backfiring

SPEAKER_00 41:30

Which leads to another point, which I'm not going to talk about in this episode, but I'm going to talk about in another one, which is insight is great, but I think for some people you can have too much insight into your condition. And I'm going to talk about that in a future episode because I think that's me. And I have a I have a lot of trouble with the level and the detail and the depth of insight that I have. Um, because I think I've gone to the point where I've overcooked it a bit and now it's backfiring a little bit. Anyway, that's for another episode. And don't get me wrong, I think insight is unbelievably important, and without it, you can't um, you know, get to a point where you can formulate a way forward and a way that gets you away from these mental illnesses and put them into remission. I don't think you can do that without insight. But, you know, if you're obsessed with your own predicament like I am, I think, and this doesn't apply for everybody, this this definitely doesn't apply for everybody. So, oh geez, I've got to be careful. That's what I mean. Don't think, well, Elliot reckons insight is actually the devil, the devil's work. I don't want to know anything about what I'm going through. That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying, though, is if you do think like me and you get so obsessed and you get stuck on these loops, and for years I was obsessed with gaining more and more and more insight into my situation. Maybe you can overcook it. But that's that's the same for everything, you know. In many ways, the key to life, and this is another episode I'll be doing soon, is balance. Um, balance, right? Everything's got to be balanced. You can have too much or too little of things, and you've got to find that balance. And I think, you know, insight, like everything, is the same. You've got to have a balance there. And unfortunately, people like me and me, I don't do balance very well. I tend to live at the extremes. And, you know, this is just another example of living at the extremes, another facet of life where I've overcooked it. Anyway, anyway. So, what I'm saying is that's why I've stripped away girlfriends and families and partners and all that stuff from my meaning and purpose because I don't think it's attainable. So, why waste energy on you know, on trying to achieve these things when it's not going to happen? So, divert those. Energies into the things that can happen. And that is being the best mental advocate, mental health advocate I can be, which includes this podcast. It includes, you know, being able to be involved and conduct research into psychology that actually helps people and changes people's lives, hopefully for the better. It involves getting back into the transport industry and being the best operator I can be and being extremely knowledgeable about the industry and somebody that people look to to understand transport and what it's like and all the different things involved. You know, that is something I think I can achieve because I am fixated on the industry. It's one of my autistic fixations, just like mental health and psychology is. These are the avenues, the facets I think I can actually succeed in. And I do believe that if I can keep it all under control. So, you know, that's where when I'm thinking rationally or trying to and taking emotion out of things, although that's hard, that's where I'm trying to focus and put all my energies towards because I think that stuff is attainable. Um, and unfortunately, for the reasons I just outlined, I don't think the relationship stuff and the family stuff is attainable. Now, don't get me wrong, that is a, like I said, a horrendous conclusion to come to. And this is a me thing, right? Again, just because you're going through mental illness yourself potentially, um, you know, that doesn't mean that these things are out of reach automatically, right? That's not true. That is so, oh God, so many people that have had battles. Like, so this is partly why I'm so depressed about it, is because I know of people and I know of people like stories that I've seen, like, you know, we all know that there's people that have had unbelievable mental health battles, and a lot of the reasons why they're able to get through it is because they've got someone by their side that sticks with them. Or one of the amazing things that comes from being able to overcome these struggles is that they are able to find a partner and have a family. Like, you know, this is so it happens all the time. Not for everybody though, but it does happen. So I don't, you know, I didn't say it's in the previous effort that I made, you know, that I created that I was waffling on, and I'm probably doing that again. But so don't think for a second that I'm saying, oh, well, if you've got depression or if you've got even BPD, well, you're not getting in a relationship. That is not true at all. That is not true, okay? But for me, I think it is true. I actually come to think of it, I think I've said this on a previous episode before. I think that the flavor of my psyche, my mind, my brain, the fact that there are so many disorders and they all fit, in particular the BPD, uh BPD and the autism and how they both manifest themselves within me, I think that has unfortunately sealed my fate on this. Um, but that is very unique to me. I d it's not just me. I'm not going to sugarcoat these things. Okay. I've met people that you know appear as though they're also not going to get these things in life. Um but I yeah, like there's also so many stories of people that have got mental illness or have had mental illness that still are in loving relationships. Like, yeah, so I want to make that clear, right? I want to make that clear. This is reflecting on me and how at least I respond cognitively and how I think about the self in light of my personal struggles with mental illness, alright? So, alright, I think I've made that point clear, okay? But that is, I guess, the point that I'm at. I don't believe that I'm able to get these things, so I'm I've been trying to strip away um any thoughts, efforts, emotions, you know, being invested in this stuff. But, you know, that's pretty hard to do when you're someone who believes they've got a lot of love to give, you know? And I do I've spoken about this a lot before, and I still believe that. It's not that I don't think if if I was able to be able to be given the opportunity again that well, not be given the opportunity, but you know, get the opportunity again to really showcase the love that I can give. Because in my relationships previously, I I had a lot of love to give. The problem is the the strength, the intensity of the love that I had fueled the BPD patterns and cycles. Yeah. And yeah, but in saying that, the love was there. And and I, you know, unbelievable. And I I believe if I'm able to be able to try again and the BPD stuff was under control, like man, I would make someone pretty bloody happy, I reckon. Because I'd I'm a good catch when I'm operating as I want to be and as I should be, and can when things are going well. It's it's when things don't go well and the spiral and the patterns kick in, is when the problems um present themselves. But that is a expression of mental illness, not an expression of Elliot Waters. You know what I mean? And that's also why it's so bloody hard to reconcile with this, because it's not Elliot Waters that I think is the problem, you know? I'm not stripping away relationships and everything that goes with it from my meaning and purpose and what I'm aiming to achieve in life because Elliot Waters is not cut out for it, or Elliot Waters is a bad person and shouldn't, you know, inflict himself on other people. It's not that at all. Elliot Waters is a is an absolute legend, all right? I said it, right? Elliot's great. It's when the mental illnesses corrupt Elliot Waters through no fault of his own, that's when the issues arise. And I'm also aware that right now, as I'm talking and saying that I'm giving up on all this stuff, again, that could be and probably is the mental illnesses corrupting me again. But what can I say? They're illnesses, you know, you can't turn them on and off. It is what it is, and I'm still battling, as we know. Every day's a battle. And the last couple of weeks have been a real battle about this whole topic. So, right, so what was I saying? Fed Income waffling on, but I think this is good content. Now you tell me, all right. If this is good content, please let me know, all right? Now I'm gonna finish maybe on this, okay? Because coming back to Newcastle as I'm driving around um right now and the rain's starting, so it's you know, it's it's sort of nice, but it's also can, you know, this is when the real deep brain juices are flowing. Um, when it's late at night, like so many of these episodes are when I record them. A lot of them are in the car, and a lot of them are recorded when it's when it's um pretty grim weather too, funnily enough. Uh the conditions are just right. But um coming back to Newcastle has been more difficult again

Newcastle Memories And Losing Mates

SPEAKER_00 51:40

because there's a lot of memories here. A lot of good memories. But there's a lot of memories that hold a lot of negative emotion, and a lot of them have to do with um my mental illness battle, of course, but relationships and the end of relationships and everything that has gone with that. So coming back to Newcastle has been hard because of that. Coming back to Newcastle has been hard because I haven't seen any of my friends, um, which is also part of this story, right? It's not just well, they'll focus a lot on relationships and family, it's also social connections as far as my friends go. You know, I feel as though I'm losing and I've been losing contact with friends for years, and a lot of that has been because my social capacity is getting worse as I get older. There's no two ways about it. My ability to hang out with people, uh, it's getting worse and worse and worse. And I really wish it wasn't because I don't want it to, but it is. Um, and I know unfortunately that I'm losing contact with friends, and I guess I'm losing friends, you know. And every time I come back to Newcastle, if I've been away, I I see friends less and less. And often I come back and I don't see friends at all, and that's happened again over the last few days. And uh again, I've got the awareness that this is happening. I don't know why my social capacity is getting worse as I'm getting older, because from a lot of the research and anecdotal stuff that I've read, um, you know, it it shouldn't really be getting worse because uh, you know, there is the theory that for people with autism, you know, social interactions obviously are difficult and they're quite taxing because essentially we act out, you know, how we believe we should um, you know, act in these social situations because we're never quite sure what it is we're doing. So it's hard work, all right? Um and it's only when we're really, really close, like really close to people where the act is sort of dropped and you just be who you are. And for me, that's well, that's with my best friends for sure. Um, but you know, there's there's only a select few people, like family and past partners and and my best friends, I guess. But even now, because I'm not seeing family as much, I'm not seeing friends as much, like I don't know, I feel as though I'm starting to have to act out even those closest to me. So every social interaction at the moment it seems, and the trend is that this is happening more and more, is that every social interaction I'm having to act out at least parts of it, which is so taxing to my social capacity. And not only that, um, but I just don't, I don't know, I just don't have it in me anymore like I used to. Now I don't know why that is. I don't know, but that's that's something, that's a topic for another day. But um yeah, that's just another thing that's been difficult coming back to Newcastle this time, and I've been thinking a lot about is that like my friendships are, you know, that I'm losing contact with so many people, so many people that have meant so much to me, and and in many ways are the reason why I'm still here. Even those people I'm losing contact with, and it's like, damn, I'm gonna be like alone, alone soon. And that's part of the difficulties in going back into the transport industry like I am, because that is the life. Social isolation is huge in trucking, massive. It's one of the biggest issues that there is um with the life of being a truck driver, and

Trucker Isolation And Resilient Roadways

SPEAKER_00 55:30

I knew that and I've known that going into it, and that's partly something I guess I want to experience firsthand, although I am anyway, but this is accelerating the process and really hammering it home. Um, but I want to experience it because when I do get resilient roadways up and running and I do um really get stuck into coming up with ways hopefully to help people in the industry improve their mental health, and a lot of it has got to do with social isolation. If I'm gonna do it and be successful, which is tied up in my meaning and purpose, I need to be in the industry, I need to be a truck driver, you know. I have to be, or else I can't understand what it's like, and I can't then be able to come up with ways to maybe help people because I have to know it intimately, or else it ain't gonna work. You know, I've got to be in the trenches, I've got to be in the road houses, I've got to be in the truck on my own with my thoughts because that's what people in the industry are going through right now. It's not something unique to me. But the thing is, it's gonna, it's well, it has been already so difficult because I'm already predisposed to this stuff. So the industry is just well, not accelerating it because it already is my reality, but it's it's like you know, giving it some dexamphetamine, you know what I mean? It's it's dialing up the intensity even more, and it's just belting me constantly. Social isolation on your own, just your thoughts. It's like, whoa, man, you know, and I asked for this. And this is the thing, you know, like for me to achieve what I want to achieve, which is to change the industry for the better, to change the community, the broader community for the better, to create psychological research that actually helps people, you know, the people that are in the waiting rooms in the you know, the mental health hospitals right now, who need an answer, who need something to hold on to. They're the ones, because I have been that person, but they're the ones I think of all the time when I do what I do. And I know the sacrifices that I have to make to be able to achieve what I need to achieve so I can help people properly. Um and and and live a life where I'm not on my deathbed riddled with regrets, which oh god, that is something that scares the absolute bejesus out of me. Again, a topic for another day, but you know what I mean? Like, there's no two ways about this. This meaning and purpose pursuit that I'm on, this pursuit in the mental health space and psychology, the objectives that I want to achieve and the change in people's lives I want to achieve, and the transport stuff, being a someone in the industry that is just so knowledgeable that is just, you know, solid, rock hard, you know, and everyone's like Elliot is a top operator, he knows so much of the industry, and he just is so, you know, he's just one of those legends of road transport, you know. But it's not just that, too. It's obviously I want to combine both worlds as we know, and and then also um change the transport industry and those in it for the better, too. So all of that, I you know, I this needs to happen. It has to. I'm sacrificing everything for this to happen. Um, and part of that sacrifice is it appears, friends, sacrificing friends, the opportunity to make new friends, I'm sacrificing the opportunity to have a relationship again and to have a partner in crime, like I'm I still really, unfortunately, really want. Um, and to to also have a family and and you know, do all that sort of stuff. And let me tell you, my inner child is not particularly happy about this. And I'm trying to convince my inner child that this is the right thing, that if I'm on my deathbed full of regrets, that is worse than anything else. And to be honest, if I'm got that much regret, like I probably won't make a deathbed, you know what I mean? Um, so I'm trying to convince my inner child that this is actually the way forward, because of like I've said, I don't know if I'm capable of achieving uh the relationship stuff, holding on to friends, all that stuff anyway, because of my mental illnesses. Um and I also don't think it's a possibility if I'm to pursue my meaning and purpose properly, which I must because I have to succeed. I have to. I have to. Everything is writing on this, everything. But what I'm saying is the sacrifices are immense, unbelievably huge. But you know what? I look back in history at the people who have really changed the course of history, say, you know. Um, and I guess that's what I'm trying to do in my own space, but you know, I am trying to do it pretty in a pretty big way. Um, I've got the objectives in the transport industry, but more broadly, like, you know, I want to at a national level, I want to create significant change. On a global level, if I can, I want to create, you know, I think what I've gone through, um, you know, and all the things I've achieved, like my degree and all the obsession, obsessive research and trying to understand humans and myself, like, you know, it's all building towards this, I feel. And I've got to give it everything I've got. I've got it. And I just think part of that equation is I've got to let go of, unfortunately, a lot of my friendships. I've got to let go of the the dream of relationships and and the rest that goes with it. And I don't have a choice because even if I felt as though I could broaden my scope and include those things, I don't believe that it's a viable option and it was ever an option really to begin with, because of

Inner Child Grief And Big Sacrifices

SPEAKER_00 1:01:51

the way in which my my mind operates. I just don't think it operates in a way that those deeply held wishes are possible. And as I said, my inner child is not particularly happy about that because my inner child, I've said before, but I'll remind you, really, really wants to meet someone well, like a lovely lady's inner child, her younger self, and my inner child wants to be able to hold oh man, it's emotional stuff, wants to hold hands with my beautiful partner's inner child and go down the road and with that innocence, just you know, just play with this other inner child and just play with and just enjoy being able to play and not have to worry about all the other garbage, all the other crap that I'm obsessed with, and it has to be obsessed with because the older self doesn't stop yapping on about it and just going over and over the same stuff like I probably am right now. You know, my poor inner child just wants to play and it wants to meet a nice friend girl, you know, there's there's nothing, you know, this is innocent stuff. You know, when like you like you're a kid and you've got a girlfriend, you know, and it's all innocent stuff, but you know, it's it's it's lovely, you know, it's just beautiful, it's it's so pure, you know, like it's it's a different type of girlfriend, boyfriend sort of thing, but it's just beautiful. And it's what it's what's in many ways being a kid's all about, you know, and it's lovely. And my inner child is desperate to be able to do that again and do it for good. And I don't know, I guess I'm desperate to be able to make that happen for my inner child, but I just I've I don't have the belief anymore that I can do it. So yeah, so anyway, that's um that's basically what I've been sort of thinking about constantly over and over again. Um and although I think I've waffled unbelievably huge amounts in this episode as well, um, I don't really care. I'm gonna publish this, and I don't care because you know, this is how I think, as I've said, this podcast is all about being the most real, raw, genuine, authentic, vulnerable, fed income show on all of the internet, and to offer insights into the world of living with mental illness that no other show does, because that is my commitment to you, and that is my commitment to all that I've met and all that I've heard of their lived experiences and the people who don't believe that they have a voice, even though I don't believe that for a second, but you know, the all those people that have been told by their own inner critics that are fueled by these mental illnesses, um, which of course is a different makeup for everybody, but whether it's one or whether it's multiple, like it doesn't matter. Um, so many people I've met, their experiences are so rich in in insight, and and I know people would gain so much from it, but you know, if if people don't believe they have a voice, well then even if they do have one, they're not gonna use it. And it's so sad. But for some reason, you know, I do believe I have a voice and that there is value in what I say, even if maybe I don't package it in the way that I would like to, uh, like the uh previous episode draft and even this one. But at the same time, the reason why I just go into the depths like I have on this episode and the other ones is because I feel like I have a responsibility to those that the the Would love to be able to maybe do what I'm doing, but just don't believe they can, and don't believe that anyone would care if they did anyway. And that ain't true, but like look, I know that it's not that easy. It's not like, oh, Ellie says not true. Well then, oh, I must uh that that must be ri the the truth then. Like I'm I'm not I know that is that's not how it works, I know that. Um, but you know, like I said, I have a voice, I believe there is meaning and value to it, and I'm gonna use it because you know I'm one of the lucky ones in that way. I I truly am. So I'm using it. But as a result, because of my commitment to make this podcast so so honest and open, um, some of these episodes I'm aware maybe go around in circles a bit, maybe. But I don't know, no one's ever actually said that to me. It's just this is me and being negative and and just not believing I'm that good at anything. So I just think that most of these episodes are not very good. But hey, look, people listen, and that's unreal. And people provide me with such great feedback, and you know, I'm not silly enough to just disregard people's, you know, like that's rude and that's that's not what I'm about. So, you know, thank you to everyone that provides the positive feedback and listens because all of these evidence I I use to push back against these negative thoughts, and that's why this podcast is still going. It's not because I think it's the best podcast in the world, even though when it comes to mental health, that is my aim and my promise to do everything I can to try and achieve that. But the reason I keep going really is because people listen and people seem to gain you know a lot from it. So that's why I keep doing it. So thank you, everybody. I don't really know where that all came from, but hey, it's the truth. It is. Um, so anyway, I'm gonna wrap it up. Um, so that's what I've been thinking though. And like I said, coming back to Newcastle has been hard because I am reminded of all of this, you know. It's sort of really at least when I'm sort of away and I'm back in with Dongren stuff, I I'm a little bit detached from the fact that, like obviously, I know that um being away is not really good for my social connections, but at the same time, yeah, I'm not seeing the fact that I don't know, it's different. Like in Newcastle, it's like, alright, I'm in the place where I should be seeing people, but I'm not. Whereas at least when I'm in Wadongra, although I know I'm obviously I'm not seeing people, um, I also know that I'm not in the place where I would. But when I come here, it's like, hang on. I mean, you know, this is where I should be hanging out with everyone and have done, and yet I don't see anybody. Like, that's that's not good. That's not good. So yeah, it's difficult to come back home. Um, because yeah, and then I do come home and and yeah, and I look around and I see everyone around me seems to be doing all the things I'd love to be doing. The things that I've spoken about that I'm I'm giving up on. Um and they're doing it in my hometown where I've always imagined that I would be doing it too, you know. Like I go to Westfield Katara for those that know, the shopping centre down the road. I've spent many, I've spent a lot of time at Westfield Katara, still Gado to me. Uh anyway, Garden City as it used to be now when I was a kid growing up. Um, I always sort of imagined that one day I'd be at Gado with my own family going shopping. And I go there like I did today, and it's just me. No, I'm not with any mates or anything like I used to be. Um, it's just me on my own, like most things I do now. It's all on my own, even when I'm back home. I don't know, that sucks. Uh and it also sucks because my social capacity is at the point now where um try as I might, I just I just don't have it in me. And that that's you know, on a fundamental level, that's almost worst. Um but anyway, it is what it is. Alright, that'll do. That'll do. I'm finishing up. That's

Bringing Back Science And Story Arcs

SPEAKER_00 1:10:05

it for this episode. Oh, very sorry, very quickly, very quickly, hold on, everybody. If you do listen to a show a lot, you want to listen to this, all right. This is important, okay, very quickly, because I have, you know, I've sort of been assessing lately the content in which the dysregulated podcast has has been all about recently, although I haven't put much content out and I will be putting more out, I promise. Um, once I get more comfortable in my job and I've got the energy to devote to it, trust me, it's coming. Um, but what I've noticed lately, very quickly, is that most of the episodes have been reflections on how I'm feeling um currently and what's been going through my mind uh, you know, around the time of deciding to record, uh like today's episode or tonight's episode. And I've gone away a little bit from the previous formula, which I really want to stick to, which is also um talking about the theories of psychology, the research in psychology, and uh, I guess, you know, explaining it in a way that makes sense to people and is it is, you know, it's real to people, you know, it's not all just sciencey. You know, I I my aim has been to relate and relay the information in a way that makes sense to what it's like in the real world living with this stuff. And, you know, I think I've done a pretty good job of that, and and it's something I really enjoy doing, and I really want to do it a lot more. And I'm pretty annoyed I haven't been able to. But this is the thing, right? Just about all these episodes I do, well, these reflection ones in particular, I I don't I don't prepare for them. I just hit record when I feel like I've got the impetus and the inspiration to do it, and I just go for it and you know, I have a general idea of what I want to sort of talk about, but at the same time, you know, as you know, these episodes tend to go off in different directions, and and that's that's just how these these you know, these forms of episodes, these types, that's how they go, these reflections, because I'm speaking from the heart, I'm speaking from the deepest parts of my psyche, and even I don't always know, you know, it's like I'm going in, you know, the dark corners and crevices of my mind with a torch, and as I'm, you know, being illuminated to what's going on in these dark, damp areas, I'm relaying it to you guys as I'm discovering it myself. So a lot of it is like, oh, didn't know that that was gonna come up, but there you go. And I think that's a good thing that I do that. Um, even if maybe the episodes are a bit clunky. I don't know. Is this just me being negative? I don't know. Anyway, um, but I still don't mind that I do that. And I think it's important that I do that, even if it isn't the most succinct, you know, way of producing these episodes, because it is as real as it gets. It doesn't get any more real than this, it doesn't, you know? It doesn't, and I stand by the fact that that is a great thing and it's important, and people need to know these things. Um, and I don't expect everyone to talk in the detail like I do about the darkest parts of their psyches, but at the same time, I'd like to think if I'm talking about it in such depth at such an extreme level, well, then maybe that'll normalize um talking about it at more of a normal level, I guess. Well, I hate that word. So I'm happy that these episodes come out in some ways in the way that they do, because like I said, it's the most authentic and genuine and vulnerable way I think it can be done. And I'm not gonna turn away from that, even if my inner critic says, you know, you just yabber on and everyone probably gets bored of, you know, you just yapping and yeah. So any anyway, anyway, but what I'm saying, yeah, so I want to go back to talking about the science. I want to go back to explaining the disorders in ways in which that makes sense, um, that strips away or the academic stuff that isn't necessary for what it's like for people that are going through this stuff right now, or people that have friends or family that they're trying to look out for, that are going through this stuff right now, and who really want to understand what it's like living with mental illness, you know? I want to be able to translate the research, the theories of psychology, the disorders and the clinical um implications of these disorders and how they manifest themselves in people. I want to go back to talking about that stuff and explaining it to people because I think I'll do a pretty good job of that from the feedback that I've got. Uh, and I know people want to improve their mental health literacy. So what I'm saying is, oh man, geez, what I'm saying is when I have the capacity again to do this stuff, it's coming back in a big way. Okay, the reason why I haven't been able to do that is because that does require me to prepare episodes properly, because I'm not going to give you false information or only tell part of the story because I can't, I'm not able to, you know, I can't be bothered doing the research that's required. It's not that, you know, I've got ADHD, right? For those of you with ADHD, I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, it's it's hard to sit down and do the the, you know, the legwork that's required before producing whatever it is you're trying to produce. That's a classic, classic hallmark of ADHD, and I certainly succumb to it often. But at the same time, I'm lucky in this in the fact that my autism and my hyperfocus that is then driven um with my ADHD, the autism likes to grab the hyperfocus and direct it where it wants to go. And luckily for me, my autism is fixated on psychology and mental health, as we know. Right. So I'm gonna go back to that, the winning formula of that. So if you're listening and you're sort of thinking, come on, Elliot, can you talk about like mental health that's not just about you and what you're going through right now? Well, the good news is, trust me, I'm going back to it, all right? So hang on. I just got to get the energy and the time to be able to do it. Um and the other thing that I want to go back to, and I must, I must, because if I'm going to explain my story properly, I need to explain my story properly, right? There is so much that has happened in my past that I haven't spoken about yet here on the Disregulated Podcast. And I don't know if you've noticed, but we're nearing 250 episodes, which is, oh I tell you, that's that's pretty cool. I might have a little party, a little celebration for episode 250, because that's that's pretty unreal. But the fact is, like, for example, I talk about my relationships in this episode. I I don't know how many, I think I've had five, well, I have five girlfriends, right? I've had five girlfriends, five relationships that were legit, that have all unfortunately toppled over. Um, and so much of my story centers on those lovely, wonderful individuals, the experiences that we shared, the good and the bad, the ramifications of the relationships and what came after, and um the insights into my own psyche, and it all has led to the point that I'm at now. You know, I've got to talk to you about these relationships. I don't know how to do it. I don't know if I should do it in like chronological order. I'm thinking maybe that is the best way. Um, but I've got to do it. I've got to do it. Uh and I want to do it. It's just, I don't know, I guess I just gotta do it. I gotta I've got to figure it out, get it in my head, what I want to say, what I want to achieve with it, because there's you know a lot I could go on about. Um, but I want to do it properly, and it needs to be done. And then there's other things, like for example, which is related to one of my relationships, but even aside from that, for example, I've I've said very briefly, I think before that I lived in Manchester in the United Kingdom for six months on a university exchange, and this was before I had any diagnosis of ADHD, borderline personality disorder, bipolar type 2, ACD, autism, all of that. But it was the turning point. This six months in the United Kingdom in Manchester was the turning point for all of it when everything changed. Everything changed. And I haven't gone through the Manchester experience yet. I already know what I'm gonna call the episode. It's Manchester madness. Um, and you know, it is when I finally understood, you know, what was going on, and that there was a lot going on that I didn't realise previously, and a lot of it wasn't good, and now I had no choice but to confront these things. So that episode's coming soon because I'm ready to go with that one. Um, like that, that is huge, massive, massive, but there's more than that. There's more to talk about when it comes to my time in the psychiatric wards. I want to go back to doing the psych ward stories of my time in the wards. So I'm gonna do more episodes on that. There's more episodes to do around my journal as well. Um, the discharge papers. There's some more of the discharge papers to do. Um, so all of these episodes that I've done previously that I've moved away from, I am gonna return to them because I think the ones that I've, you know, the the series that I've done previously that I've sort of moved away from, but also going back to reflections on my past and everything that's happened and the events and the people and everything, I'm going back to that. All right. I'm going back to it because well, partly the reason why I'm back to it is because my obsessive thought loops have been so stable, so chronic, but stable. Like the last couple of episodes, I've sort of spoken about the same sort of things from different angles, uh, but you know, sort of the same sort of topic. So um it's because that's what I've been preoccupied with. So until maybe I shift to something else that I'm preoccupied with, I think it's time to go back, go back into my past, have a look at what has brought me to this point that I'm talking to you right now. It's time to go back into the research that has been conducted in psychology, the theories that have been produced, uh, the mental disorders that have been discovered, that have been conceptualized, the clinical implications, the psychotherapies, the psychological interventions that are used for people. I'm going back to all of it. For example, the DBT skills series, dialectical behavior therapy. Come on, Elliot. All right, so if you're still listening right now, you are one of the true, true believers. And can I just say I love you all? I don't know if anyone is still listening at this point, but you know, this last sort of bit of this episode is for you guys, you know, the ones that have held on for this long. So all this stuff that's coming back, it's coming back in a big way. I just need to be able to devote the energies towards it again. But it's coming, it is, it is. You know, I've had to back off, you know, just about everything for a while to get this transport thing up and running again and get back into the industry and do it properly. That was always going to take up just about all of my energy, all of my capacity, all of my focus. Um, but you know, it's now time to balance things out again and get back to the fundamentals of my mental health advocacy, the research, and the I don't know, the promotion of lived experience. All right, I'm keen, I'm excited, and as I said, if you're still listening right now, um, I reckon you might be excited as well to hear something other than what I've been going on about the last couple of episodes. Um, because like I said, that is the obsessions that I've been preoccupied with for a fair while now. So I'm actually looking forward to that changing to something else, like it's never usually a good thing, but something different would be nice. Alright, everybody, that's enough. That's it, I'm done. Um, I do thank you all for listening.

How To Support The Show

SPEAKER_00 1:23:00

Uh, I do appreciate it. As we know, uh, of course, if you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating. You can share it around with your mates, of course, and people who may gain something from it. You can follow the show on Instagram at thedisregulated.podcast. Uh, that's another thing that'll be coming back soon, is dysregulated daily. Uh, and you can also follow the show on Facebook uh by searching for the dysregulated podcast. So that'll do for me. I've got so much more to say, but I'm gonna wrap it up there. Uh thank you for listening, and I'll see you next time here on the dysregulated podcast.