Welcome Back To The Highway

SPEAKER_00 0:00

G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, now it's time for another Highway Confessions episode. So, yes, I'm back out on the highway again in my car. I'm just leaving a rest stop. I just gotta, it's it's it's what time is it? It's nine o'clock at night. Um, and I'm on the Hume Highway again, the M31, driving this time from Newcastle back to Wadonga. And as always, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Alright, this is, as we know, if you've listened to the podcast, you would know, excuse me, that highways for me are the perfect fertile breeding ground for my deepest thoughts. Now, I've always maintained, and I still do, that my best coping strategy, adaptive coping strategy for my complex mental health, um, is going for a drive, right? To sort of clear the head. Um, I can do my best thinking, and that's why I'm hoping once my anxiety around my new job dies down, which I've done an episode on that, uh, which actually I recorded on this drive as well. So I won't talk too much about that. Um, I'm not sure which episode I'm gonna release first, but anyway, whatever. Um I I do think that eventually when I'm comfortable in my new role as a truck driver, it's gonna be unreal because, you know, I'm gonna get paid essentially to uh, you know, utilize my best coping strategy. Oh, that's pretty cool, you know. I love highways, I love the idea of meeting people along the road and the symbolism of the highway of, you know, the winding road and all, you know, I j I don't need to go through it. I I love it, you know. I do. Um it's always been an autistic fixation of mine, this idea of highways and and you know, and and these towns that you go through and the people that you can meet, and yeah, I just love that stuff. Um so driving from Newcastle to Wadonga today has overall been a you know an enjoyable experience, but it has to be said, and that's what this episode will focus a bit more on. Um, it has to be said, well, I guess the other one I've done so far on the highway confessions is similar. Um, but the the fact that this is where I do, I guess, my deepest thinking, um, and really dive deep into, you know, those um those ideas, those constructs, those concepts, those parts of the human experience that I'm trying to figure out, um, which often involve the deepest parts of the human experience. Um, you know, like I overall I do enjoy sort of thinking about those ideas and concepts, but it can get a bit heavy because, like I said, they're heavy concepts, you know, and I'm talking about things like look, let's be honest, whenever I'm out on the highway, you know, I always look across at my passenger seat and, you know, it's empty. All right. So, yes, once again, I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I am riding solo again, you know, through life, I'm just a lone warrior, a one-man wolf pack. Um, you know, I haven't been able to find that partner to come down the highway of life with me. Uh, and a lot of my thinking has been about the fact that that once again is the status quo, you know, like that there isn't anyone here and there's no one really on the horizon. Um, now look, I've spoken about this at length before here, and I don't really want to go through it again because, you know, we know what it's about, about my inner child, how it's desperate to have joyful fun with someone else's inner child, you know, all that sort of stuff. And yeah, so we we know a bit about that already. Don't get me wrong, in future episodes I'll be revisiting this topic. Don't you worry about that. Um, but I just don't know if it's necessary today, all right? So just know that all that stuff I usually think about when it comes to partners and relationships and creating a life together and the fact that that's not happening for me. Just know that I've been thinking a lot about all those things, okay? Um, but what I've also been thinking about is another concept or construct that I've spoken about before, and I've spoken before as well about how I need to do a proper, you know, a proper deep dive here on the podcast about this idea, and that is death. And I've got to say, this idea of death and everything associated with it has been a huge part of this drive again. Um, and I've I've found that, well, for starters, this idea, well, not this idea, but the the concept and the realities of mortality and the fact that, you know, we all die and essentially we're all dying and we don't know when our time is up. Like I, you know, most people I think just ignore that stuff and you know, la la la, not thinking about it, and ignorance is bliss, as they say. And as I've said before here on the show, I'm not able to put those filters on. I don't have those filters, I never have, you know. These really dark sort of thoughts, um, you know, this is just part of my human experience. And unfortunately, I guess I'm forced in a way to devote a lot of thinking time to these concepts which aren't particularly happy or joyful or bubbly, you know what I mean? And don't get me wrong, like I 100% am grateful and like the fact that I am a deep thinker, that I will think about things that other people don't want to, and I will sit with that idea, concept, uh, phenomena, and I will try and understand it, even if, you know, there's some things that are beyond, I think, the ability for humans to understand. And I think the concept of death and everything to do with it, I just don't think mere mortals like us, even myself, are able to fully grasp and understand, you know, the concept of death. But, you know, I do like the fact that I I am a deep thinker overall. I do like it. But as we know, you know, and that's why I've got this podcast, sometimes these deep thoughts get away from me a bit and they become a bit too all-encompassing. And it can be very difficult for me to pull myself away from these thoughts because, you know, if you stand too close to the fire for too long, you get burnt. You know what I mean? I'm happy that I'm able to get close to the fire and feel the flames and the energy that's within. But I don't like the fact that when I start to get burnt and I know that I'm burning and it hurts, I'm not able to, you know, easily pull myself away. You know what I mean? So that is a problem, and it's a problem I've always had, but it's a problem I think that's getting well, not I don't want to say worse. Well, yeah, worse. Or maybe it's becoming more frequent. So as much as I do love my highway drives and I do, especially lately, and it appears this is a trend that's been happening for a while. So maybe I could even say as I'm getting older, you know, these thoughts around things such as death and I guess relationships and stuff, like they're starting to get a bit, you know, they're they're getting bigger and bigger. And I'm less able to not draw attention to these things and maybe try and just pull myself away from the depths just for a little bit and just enjoy, I don't know, more, I guess, simple things, you know. I guess this is sort of related in a way to this idea of gratitude, you know. You know, gratitude is the big thing in psychology and has been for the last couple of years, you know. And it's part of the broader positive psychology movement, of which some of some of which I I don't mind. Some of it I think is a bit la la and and tries to neglect the truths of the world and the human experience, and I'm not a big fan of that. Um, but hey, I support positive psychology in the sense that it's trying to get people to focus on, you know, the good things in life and to instead of amplify, well, I guess the approach, this isn't going to be an episode on positive psychology, but it is a proper school of thought, and and I've done quite a bit of research into it. Um and this is where thing a lot of things like journaling come from, gratitude is a big part of it, you know, like a lot of the mindfulness stuff is is from the positive psychology movement. And like I say, a lot of it I personally subscribe to. Um, but I do think it aims to negate the ugly truths of life. And hey, look, if you're able to ignore that stuff and just live a happy, bubbly life, like good on you. You know, I don't look down on that. I'm a bit jealous to be honest, but at the same time, you know, I just don't think that's the reality of things. So, anyway, anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes, gratitude. So, you know, I think a big part of drawing yourself away from these deep, at times dark concepts, um, you know, it's all about looking at the smaller things that are around you in that moment. And that's a big part of what I think the gratitude movement is about, and probably why I need to maybe do this whole gratitude thing, like take it a little bit more seriously. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to do it over the years. You know, I've had journals and stuff, like I've done all the, I've tried all this stuff, but you know, in typical Elliot way, I sort of, you know, my ability to do these things waxes and wanes and wanes big time. Um, so, but I think maybe something I could do on the next big road trip, for example, is maybe to practice a bit of gratitude, but it's hard, you know, because my mind, I have a very active mind and it looks for these deep dark areas and wants to shine a light on these monsters, you could say, at times, and these difficult concepts to face front on. And for some reason my mind really likes the challenge of facing head-on the darkest of thoughts and uh you know areas of the human psyche, I suppose, or at least my own. So I don't know, like, yeah. So what I'm trying to say is that like all my highway drives, like these ones from that I'm now doing from Wadonga to Newcastle and back. Um, but when I was younger as well, when I used to live in Tamworth, I used to drive Tamworth and Newcastle, and but I've done that so many times, and Armadale in northern New South Wales. Um, you know, like road trips late at night has just always been my thing, and I like it because it does allow me to have the space, I guess, to think about these things properly. But what I'm trying to say is what I'm finding more recently, and I guess as I'm getting older, is that my ability to just enjoy the drive for the sake of enjoying the drive, you know, for what it is, I'm not as inclined to do that anymore. And I am more inclined to pivot towards these really deep dark thoughts. And sometimes that's all right, you know, I'm in the mood, and it's like, all right, let's try and figure out the meaning of life, you know. And I know that I ain't gonna figure it out, but I like the idea that I'm willing to try, you know. Um, I've always wanted to be someone who experiences all, you know, the whole spectrum of life, I suppose. But I've always thought, you know, it'd be nice if I experienced a bit more of the positive stuff. Maybe I've had enough of the negative, but hey, what can you do? Um, but yeah, like I'm trying to say, even though I'm waffling again, is that the drives more recently are becoming darker, and there's less of those moments where I'm just enjoying the music, you know, and I'm just thinking about positive things or maybe, you know, things that are on the horizon that are exciting and stuff. And instead I'm focusing on the fact that we all die and that the people I care about are dying as I am too, and that, you know, I'm single and alone, and maybe on my deathbed. This is another thing I keep thinking about, is the potential regrets I'm gonna have at the end of all of this. And I'm really, really scared of that moment if I'm laying there thinking this is it, and you know what, I was too scared to absolutely go for it. And wow, what a way to end things. That's so I'm so depressed by that thought. So, you know, they're the sorts of stuff that I've been thinking about, but there is a positive to that, especially that last point, the regret stuff. So the reason I'm driving, of course, to Wadonga is because I um am working for a transport company because I am absolutely going for my dream, my vision, my meaning and purpose, you know? Like, and that's one thing. When I'm thinking about, oh, when I'm, you know, these regrets I might have, I'm like, hey, hey, hey, hang on, Elliot. Why are we driving back to Wadonga? It's not because I just am randomly want to go to the border of New South Wales and Victoria, Aubrey Wadonga, and just like check it out. Like, no, I'm going back there because I am 100% given it everything I've got, trying to achieve the goals and objectives, albeit quite lofty, that I've set out and to fulfill my meaning and purpose. And that's something I've been thinking a lot about too, which is um, because if you listen to the other episode that I recorded just before this, um, talking about how difficult my new job has been in the last six weeks have been. Um, the the thing is though, and what I've really been trying to focus on is the fact that, yeah, it's been hard, but I am finally going for it, you know? When it comes to my meaning and purpose, I am absolutely going for it. And that is so cool that I can sit here right now recording this episode and and honestly say I am giving it everything I've got as far as fulfilling my meaning and purpose. Like I don't think I've ever been this committed, um, but not only just committed, but actually putting my commitment into action, you know, getting it done. I'm actually doing it. So I've been thinking about that a lot too. How cool, like how stressful it is, but how awesome it is that I'm absolutely going for it. Yes, I've also been thinking because I'm in a bit of a negative mood, I've also been thinking, oh well, you know, imagine if it all doesn't work out, you know, then your meaning and purpose is gone, and then, you know, anyway. Um, but there has been positive to this real deep thinking because meaning and purpose is also just about as deep as it gets, at least on a singular level, as far as the human experience goes. I guess the idea of death is broadly shared by all of us, but your own personal meaning and purpose is yours, you know. So I think individually it's it's it's potentially the deepest sort of place you can go, or at least one of. And and it's good that I've been able to go to that place, but not be completely overwhelmed by this negativity, and actually been able to push back with real evidence that shows that I'm giving it everything I've got, and that's pretty cool. So there you go. I mean, thinking about that as well. Um, but yeah, so what what I again I am waffling, but at the same time, that has been the theme of this trip. You know, my mind has been going a million miles an hour, and unfortunately, it has been going to some pretty dark places, but there have been some you know, some real positives that I've been able to really sit with and and enjoy that feeling, knowing that you know, I'm not faking this, I'm not, you know, trying to come up with some fantasies to pretend that it's real so I get some sort of positive emotion flowing, you know, which I've had to do in the past before. This is real. I am driving back towards where I'm, you know, fulfilling, albeit in the early stages, but fulfilling my meeting of purpose, and that is exciting. So I've been thinking about that a lot too. But there's no two ways about it. These highway drives over the years are getting deeper and deeper, and it's not ruining the experience. I still love I love being out on the highway, you know. I do, especially at night. It just, I don't know. As a Slim Dusty lyric write, Australia's King of Country, you know, legend, and I love Slim Dusty's trucking songs, although I love all his songs, but the trucking songs especially. Now there's one, I think it's in the song I'm Thankful, and he basically recounts about how as a truck driver, um, when it's late at night, you know, that's when you feel closest to God. Okay, when you're out on the highway, it's late at night, the moon's shining, you know, you look through your windscreen and you see the stars and you feel closest to God in that sort of moment. And that's I guess how I feel too, in a way. Um, and but my thoughts go to that sort of place too, because that's when usually I think about death a lot, is I also think about this idea of God and and potential afterlife. And like this drive, for example, I've thought a lot about people that have passed on, you know, like for example, like my grandparents, both grandfathers and my grandmother, like, you know, like I mean, thinking a lot about how they're past and how it's a shame that, you know, I'm not able to talk to them about the moves I'm making in life, you know, and how exciting it is what I'm doing, because I think they'd be pretty bloody proud, you know, and I sort of wish that this was all happening while they were alive, you know, and it's you know, and I think about how that that sucks, basically. And then I've been thinking about people who are still with us, but we'll pass on. Um, you know, like you know, family members, like my father in particular and stuff. And just before we, a song came on, Holy Grail by hunters and collectors. And let me tell you, that is like the song that's that's dad's song. Like when we were little, me and my sister and or my older sisters too, when they were over, like we used to play that song on repeat, you know. Dad loved it, he was obsessed with it. And I don't know, I was thinking about before, just before I started recording this episode and that came on on the shuffle. I don't know, it's just like, man, what what's this all about? Like, yeah, it's just it's heavy stuff, you know. I always think of these really heavy things while I'm out here. Like I'm looking at the stars, and it's just like, man, are they looking down at me? Are they proud of what I'm doing? And, you know, and then yeah, and these drives, especially going from Newcastle, where, you know, that's my home, that's that's you know, synonymous with me and my family and my friends and everybody. Well, not everybody, but you know, like the pretty much all the people that I think about, about this death thing and how, you know, they're all people that are in Newcastle because that's obviously where I've grown up and all that sort of stuff. So when I'm driving away from Newcastle back down to Victoria back to Wadonga, I tend to think about these things a bit more because it's like, damn, you know, I'm driving away and anything could happen. It could be over any, you know, any moment, whether for me or for the people I care about. Like that, this could be that that could be the last time I've seen or spoken. Or, you know, it's just, I don't want to get too deep and stuff, but what can I say? This is what I think about when I'm on the highway, and this is actually my happy place. So this I hope gives a bit of insight into at least the burden that I carry around with me and the heavy load, um, literally as I drive my big Kenworth, you know, because I'm a truckie now, which is so cool. But also like psychologically, mentally, and you know, like I just I carry the burdens of the world, and and that's and I think, yeah, and I'm probably rehashing things that I've said on the previous uh highway confessions episodes, but you know, this what can I say? This is what I've been thinking about. So it's not all bad, but at the same time, when I'm in this sort of mood, um, when I'm in the you know, I've got a bit of a negative sort of disposition towards all of this stuff. So these deep concepts have a negative tone to them. Sometimes um when I'm in a better mood, these same themes and issues come up, but the tone is quite different. Um, and that's much better. But unfortunately, you know, I can't pick and choose what my mood's going to be like, and and more recently it's it's my moods have been pretty, pretty uh well not dull because there's been a lot of energy, but but quite dark. Unfortunately, because I am carrying a lot of stress at the moment, and it is very, very difficult. So it makes sense that these highway drives uh, you know, is is the breeding ground of more of these dark thoughts, I suppose. And it's difficult because I know, like I said earlier, these are concepts that I don't think any human is ever going to be able to understand completely and come up with a succinct, you know, like answer to these questions. And even when I'm Manic, which I probably am a little bit today, she's I've been doing a lot of talking, which suggests to me that I'm I'm revved up quite a bit, but even Manic Elliot doesn't quite believe that I have the ability to figure it all out either. So, you know, part of me is like, why do we dwell on these things all the time? If we're not going to come up with an answer, and we know that we're not going to be able to come up with an answer, how about we divert this energy towards something a bit more, I don't know, something with a bit more potential for a nice outcome or you know what I mean? But again, this is uh, you know, I don't know if this is just me being a deep thinker or if this is a manifestation of mental illness. Um, it's probably maybe a bit of both. I think a lot of it is mental illness. Um, but you know, again, I can't pick and choose this sort of stuff. A lot of this thinking is is thrust upon me and I've just got to sort of go with it. Um, and this today has been another example of that. I I was sort of hoping this drive would be a bit more positive because I I want to start the new working week off on the right foot because it's been very stressful. Um, and you know, I don't want to go into things um with it being stressful, but also having this negativity as I, you know, start the week. Like I don't want to really go in with that frame of mind, but you know, again, I can't necessarily pick and choose this sort of stuff. Um, but at the same time, would I change any of this? Not really. You know, I do like the fact that I do try to understand all that is the human experience, but man, sometimes it's heavy. It is so heavy. And when it gets real personal, like about the people I care about and my own situation and stuff, well, that can hurt. But anyway, so that's what far out. I need to I need to what I'm what I need to do and what I will be doing soon when I have the capacity to do it again, is I'm gonna bring the podcast back a bit towards um, you know, the research around psychology and and um more of the the theories of mental health and and also talk more about the diagnostic, you know, the disorders and the experiences of others, maybe not just myself. Um, because I know that the podcast lately has had a very, well, obviously, you know, I've always said right from the start, it's my personal journal, you know, and it is. Um, it always has been. It started that way because I knew that I couldn't sit down every day and write out a journal, but I also knew I had a lot of thoughts I had to get out somehow. Um, and and that's why I started the podcast because I I don't mind talking. And I thought, hey, if people listen to it, that's great. If they don't, whatever, because it's it's my journal and that's its primary, I guess, you know, utility. But obviously it's grown into more than that. And some of my favourite episodes are the ones where I do look at the science um and draw upon my own experiences as a researcher in psychology. I would like to bring the podcast back to that, but at the same time, you know, what can I say? This potty is all about, you know, being the most genuine, real, raw, honest, vulnerable, and insightful account of mental illness that there is on the internet. And, you know, this is all part of it, I feel. So what can I say? Um, but yeah, so that's what I've been thinking on this drive, and and that's what I want to make sort of clear to people, which is this is, you know, people, I don't think this is just an Elliot thing. Oh, I know it's not, because I've I've been lucky enough to hear so many other people's stories of their own lived experience, and I know that there are parallels between what I'm talking about right now and other people's experiences as well. But I want people to know that maybe don't have a first-hand experience of this, that people do live like this and carry these heavy burdens, these heavy emotional loads. Um, and this is all part, I think, of trying to break down the stigma because people need to know that people think like this, and that's why we need to be a bit kinder to each other and be a bit more understanding. Um, and we need to talk more about it as well. So, anyway, but that's a whole different thing. Um, but that is what I've been trying to do, and lately I've had lots of difficulty having the capacity, as I spoke or I speak a lot about on the other episode I recorded today. Um, and you know, like I am trying to do whatever I can do to keep this all bubbling along, you know. Like, there's a lot of topic areas I want to go into that's not just me, me, me, me. Um, but to do that, I've got to be in a certain headspace. And unfortunately, lately I haven't been in that because things have just been so stressful lately. Um, but you know, I've got to keep the podcast going, I've got to keep all these projects going. Um so I'm doing my best, but unfortunately, I suppose my best is a bit me focused, but that is all I guess I can do at present. But trust me, when things turn around, which they will, they will turn around, and they already starting are starting to because that as evidenced by the fact I've done well, the episode that I recorded just before about the six weeks of of being in panic, um, which is a great episode. It's so so uplifting. Um, but it's so insightful as well. And then this episode as well, this is a sign um that that things are, you know, the the fog, the storm is starting to lift. So hopefully things will be back to whatever relative normal is for me. And I'll start talking a bit more about the science of psychology again, how that relates to people's experiences and all that sort of stuff. So that is all coming. Um I just gotta, I just gotta, I just gotta dial down the anxiety and the fear and the and the just being so scared and nervous all the time. And then once I have the capacity to get back into the swing of things, like I want to, I'm telling you, there is so much content on its way. Anyway, if you're still listening to this episode, you are an absolute champion. I love you all, and I do. I really appreciate all of you who listen. Um, I I still get, you know, I still can't understand that people do, but what can I say? People do, and I'm so thankful for that, and you have no idea how much that means. All right, I will finish that right now. Um, so there you go. Another uh Highway Confessions episode, another experience or another set of experiences today on this drive back to Wadonga from God's Country Newcastle. Again, me trying to think through and find answers to the deepest concepts, themes, and issues that face humanity. You know, it's if I tell you, I know I said before that no human will find the answer, and that is true, but I tell you what, I'm gonna give it a fair shake. Fair shake of the sauce bottle, guys. I'm giving it a go. Anyway, that'll do. That's enough from me. I'm gonna go back and put some music on and try and just rock out a little bit as I drive into with Donga because I've got another big week of work coming up. So thank you for listening. As always, um, you can uh like, you can subscribe to the show on whatever platform you're listening on. Uh, you can share the show around with your mates, and you can follow me on Instagram at elliot.t.waters. You can follow the show as well at thedisregulated.podcast on Instagram. Search for the dysregulated podcast on Facebook, um, and you'll find content there as well. And uh, yeah, that's it for me. Thank you for listening, and I'll see you next time here on the Disregulated Podcast.