Back On The Road

SPEAKER_00 0:00

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Disregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, so another episode with me on the road. I'm in my car again, driving from Newcastle back to Wadonga. I'm on the M31 Hume Highway. I'll tell you, I'm getting pretty uh pretty used to this road. I've been driving this a fair bit. Um, and you know, whenever I'm on the Hume Highway, I seem to be in the sort of frame of mind to be able to do a podcast episode, which is great because, again, as you may have noticed, if you've been following the show, and thank you if you have, there's been another little break between episodes. Needless to say, I have not been in the frame of mind lately to be able to do anything to do with the podcast. Um, if you follow the podcast on Instagram and Facebook, you would also know that the dysregulated daily series has just about disappeared as well. And I'm going to explain all of that in this episode right here, right now. Um, let me just say from the outset, the fact that I'm doing this episode is a sign to me that what I'm about to talk about, these six weeks of my panic of an anxiety storm, uh, the fog, sorry, more than fog, but let's just say fog, is maybe starting to lift somewhat. Because what I'm about to talk about is the last six weeks. And the last six weeks have been an anxious blur, and it has been at times horrible, unbelievably difficult, but here I am. I'm still trucking, literally. But I'm gonna tell you all about it because it's been really hard, really, really hard. And I think uh, you know, again, it'll offer some insights into what's going on, especially if you've been following the show and following my story, because you know that when I disappear a bit, that's usually when things are getting quite difficult. And I've disappeared for quite a few weeks, about six weeks, funnily enough. So I'm going to explain all of that uh right here, right now. So this is a story, as you would maybe be aware. If not, I've started a new job, right? I've started a new job, I'm back in the transport industry, and this time I'm really doing it properly. So I'm now driving semi-trailers and I will be driving B doubles and hopefully road trains. Um, I hopefully soon will be driving interstate as well, all over Australia potentially. Um, but you know, I've got to get the training done, I've got to get, you know, competent at driving the big reeks before all that happens. But that's what I've been doing the last six weeks. I've been in this role for six weeks, and it has been one hell of a learning curve. It has been very, very steep indeed. Um, so yeah, so as I said, I'm back in the transport industry doing it properly. So I'm driving semi-trailers, I'm I'm you know, I'm loading and unloading big loads, and this is the thing, right? I've chosen a company, this particular company, for a few reasons. But one of them is this is trucking, like this is real Aussie trucky stuff, you know? Um, and it's hard work. Like the sort of freight that we carry and the work that I've been doing and the work that this our or our transport company does, like this is some of the hardest stuff you can do in the industry. And this is a pretty bloody hard industry anyway. So, you know, and I chose this because I want to have the credentials, you know, I want to have the experience, I want to be able to say, if I'm ever questioned about my experience in the industry, that I've done this, not many people have done this, and I've bloody done it and I did a good job of it. So if anyone's trying to point fingers saying I'm just a pen pusher, let me tell you about my time at Dawson's Hawledge, all right? Because let me tell you, this is the real stuff. And, you know, it's um it's been unbelievably difficult, but that has been partly on purpose. But the problem is, you see, like, you know, this is the thing. Anyone starting a new job gets nervous and anxious, right? If you don't feel anxiety and a bit of stress and all that sort of stuff from starting a new job, well, then that's probably a problem, okay? That's the problem. It's not not feeling the anxiety, it's not feeling it at all. That that says there's something wrong. Um, you're probably chosen the wrong job, I'd say, because uh if you're not feeling any anxiety, well, you're probably not trying to extend yourself and learn new skills and abilities, and you're probably in a role that's within yourself. But anyway, that's not what's going on with me. All right. I am feeling all the anxiety that I should be feeling, and then a whole lot more. Oh man, the last six weeks have been so difficult. Like when I say that it's been six weeks of panic, you know, one big long panic attack, sustained, um, perpetual in many ways for panic attack. Like, I'm not saying that um for effect, you know, you know that I won't say anything on this podcast for to try and build things up more than what they are. I just tell the truth, and it's been absolutely hellacious in many ways. It has been so hard. Um, I have been battling like an inner critic that has never been more emboldened, imposter syndrome to the max, um, unbelievable levels of self-doubt. You know, I've been studying every little thing that I do and finding fault in everything. And it's just so tiring when you're amplifying the negative constantly and ignoring, not necessarily through choice, but ignoring or not being able to see the positives. Um and like like I like I was saying, like anyone taking on your role, it's difficult. But for me, it's it's even more so, I suppose. And it's been like this for every job that I've had at Bunnings. I remember Bunnings was so hard for so long as well. Bunnings was really difficult. The Cambridge Hotel, that was hard too. I used to go there freaking out that I didn't belong because I was older than everyone else, and you know, everyone thought I was a loser and all this stuff. And in the end, I spent seven years there and I was the backbone of the joint and everyone loved me and I loved them. You know what I mean? Like I know logically, using my wise mind, um, that, you know, when I do job, start new roles, generally speaking, I get very good at them. And, you know, I become, I don't know if I become a leader, but it's well, I have in some jobs, but you know, like I become that dependable good worker that people ask questions because I know how to do the job, because I'm a good operator or whatever. Um, and I know that to be true, but I never can believe it when these anxiety storms uh are doing their thing. Now, this job that I've taken on, this new trucking job, has been it's been the hardest by far. And it makes perfect sense as to why. You would know if you've been listening to this podcast long enough. I've been banging on about, and I'm gonna continue to because it is becoming an all-encompassing obsession. Um, my autism is almost solely focused now on this dream of welding together or synergizing, marrying up my passions of mental health and psychology and transport logistics, in particular road transport. All right. Now I've taken this job on knowing full well that the potential here is that this will be the opening to realizing my dreams and my vision and making resilient roadways a reality. You know, this is, I feel, what everything has been building up towards. Yeah, all the battles in my own mental health, all the different jobs I've had, and all the, you know the difficulties in hanging on to life itself in many ways, and and just, you know, all the battles I've had staying at a hospital and just everything. My degree, you know, doing my honours degree and all the black dog, you know, presentations I've done that tens of thousands of people, even though I'm so socially anxious and autistic, like, you know, all this pressure and trauma in some ways I've put myself under, I feel as though it's all been building towards this. And now I'm on the precipice of everything coming together. But all I've got to do is succeed in this role. I need to become a great transport operator. So I have the credentials, and then I need to be able to make my vision a reality, make resilient roadways everything that I'm hoping it will be, and making it significant enough that it will change people's lives for the better. So I'm real scared, you know, because I'm on, I feel like I'm on the edge of everything coming together. But the pressure is immense because I've got to still do the work. I've got to become a good operator, I've got to succeed, I've got to be successful, I've got to be good at what I do. You know, everything needs to fall into place. And I am petrified that that won't happen because I feel as though, although, yes, maybe everything has been building towards this moment, if I can't make this work, then everything falls away, and then all of a sudden I am screwed. So I was talking to a friend before on the phone, and I hadn't really thought of it in this way until I was talking to her, and I said to her that in many ways, um, you know, the reason why I'm not in hospital right now, or I'm not, you know, absolutely down and out, um, sinking in depression. Although I am sinking under anxiety and the weight of expectations, make no mistake, my life at the moment is unbelievably difficult. Uh, I wouldn't say I've been enjoying the last six weeks. It's been it's it's been an absolute war and the war isn't done yet. But at the same time, I'm not depressed, you know. There is a bit of vigor about what I'm doing. I am dreaming big. I am seeing this vision and actually believing that maybe it could come true. You know, I've been doing a little bit of work trying to get this resilient roadways project up and running. And I'm doing that because I do have this belief underneath all this anxiety that this is something that is worth doing and I can do it as long as I get through this anxious storm and I succeed in this role. But I was saying to my friend that, you know, in many ways, like I said, this is keeping me out of hospital. And this is keeping me alive because this is my meaning and purpose, which has shifted a bit over the years, don't get me wrong, but it's always been around the same sort of stuff, which is using my own lived experience and my own, you know, history in whether it's in mental health areas or in in different industries I've worked in, you know, trying to use all that experience and also my psychology, you know, degree and yeah, you know what, is all that sort of stuff. My meaning and purpose has been essentially to use all that to try and improve as many people's mental health as I can, you know, generally speaking. Um, and you know, over the years it's sort of shifted from different focus areas and stuff, but that's the general gist of it. Try and help people with their mental health and use my own experiences as the foundation to do so, because I am a strong believer, as we know, that lived experience is the key to linking all of the research, all of the you know, community work, everything that everyone's doing. I think lived experience is what will link everything together and ultimately change people's lives. Um, and I believe that 100%. But now my meaning and purpose, or at least there's now a parallel meaning of purpose, which is to do the same, but in the road transport industry. And this is, like I said, a fusion of my passions I've had for so long, so long. Like from when I was a kid, I loved transport. I loved trains originally, but you know, the supply chain logistics. I used to talk about all the time during school, and you know, mental health always was there as well. Like, you know, finally being able to come up with an idea that brings these two worlds together, like it's it has the potential to absolutely lift me out of um the the depression that I've suffered over the years for good. But the thing is, if this falls apart and if this meaning and uh yeah, meaning meaning and purpose appears unattainable and not realistic, and all of a sudden I'm back to the drawing board. I'm telling you, that's when it's it could be, you know, that that well, I don't want to yeah. Let me just say, like I said, the meaning and purpose, I think, is it like it does with all people, this is why I also push this idea and have through the Black Dog Institute with my presentations with them for so long, meaning and purpose is always a core component of my presentations because I am a firm believer that having a strong meaning and purpose can insulate you from the most evil of thoughts. I do. I do. And I think it if your meaning and purpose is significant enough to you, um, I I think it can ward off depression and and a lot of other mental illnesses and symptoms of mental illness as well. Like it is one of those things I think that can change a human's life forever. But I also know that not having a meaning and purpose or not believing in your ability to be able to make it come to fruition, I also know how unbelievably dangerous that is. And I've lived it myself and it's almost taken me out on numerous occasions. And my worry is that if I can't make this all work, and then that meaning and per uh meaning and purpose that I've got all of a sudden either is smashed to bits or is this ideal that I have no belief in being able to attain, you know, I'm really, you know, that that is something that I'm quite worried about. Uh, because, you know, that could be a total disaster, if you know what I mean. You know, going back to hospital might actually be a better alternative than what else could happen, I feel, if this all blows up. Um, so all right, being very negative there. But look, what I'm saying is this is the context in which I'm trying to get a handle of this new job and the new skills that's required and the knowledge I've got to try and learn and all this stuff. So this is next level because the significance is next level. So the last six weeks, like I was saying, has been absolutely hellacious. It's been torture, you know, constant panic, constant. Like, forget about like moving from Newcastle to a new like town where I don't know anybody. Like that hasn't even shown up on the radar yet because that is such a low priority anxiety-provoking, you know, issue compared to what I've just been talking about. So every time I make a little, I wouldn't even say a mistake, like an indiscretion. For example, I'm trying to reverse, a lot of people won't understand what I'm talking about, but you know, I'll try and say this as clearly as I can, but you know, like trying to reverse the prime move, right? My Kenworth truck to a trailer, okay, and you've got to line it up or else the pin doesn't go in the uh what's it called? The the turntable, you've got to line the king pin up so it locks in, okay? So then when you drive away, the trailer doesn't fall off. So you've got to line it up and and you know, like right now, I I say I'm pretty good at I'm I'm I would I'm very confident now doing this. I've done it lots and lots over the last six weeks. But for a while there, you know, I wouldn't line it up correctly. I'd have to just adjust a little bit. And I would be like sweating big time because I'm so stressed that people are watching me going, oh, he's a failure, get rid of him. Um, even though no one's watching, but it feels like the world is. And I'm watching myself make this little mistake, which is nothing, and absolutely blowing it out to be the biggest thing in the world and being a sign and evidence that this is not gonna work. You know, this is just another example of how I'm in way over my head, and this is all about to blow up at any moment. And as you know, it's not just, oh, you know, this isn't the job for me. I'll I need to try a new job. Like, this is meaning and purpose. This is my whole direction in life. This is my whole life potentially blowing up in the smitherenes. That's the level of anxiety, the level of panic that I've been experiencing and that I've been amplifying, not on purpose, every time I make a slight indiscretion. And like they're little things, like, yeah, man, it's just and the worst, well, not the worst, well, there's a lot of worst parts, but one of the worst parts is I know how ridiculous this all is. Now I know this process is something that I do, but I also know it's a lot worse than previously. And I also know why. You know, I'm talking about right here, right now. I don't know, I know exactly what's going on. As I usually do with all of my mental health, not fragilities, but you know, complexities. Like I usually know exactly what's going on. I know that it's ridiculous. I know there's no logic to it. I can test that theory and I do, and I can come to conclusions that are in line with what other people seem to think about what I'm going through. And yet that doesn't change a thing, you know? This is why it's mental illness, because I don't have a choice in this. I'm not choosing to amplify every indiscretion and being so anxious that I'm making up things that aren't even actually happening. Like, you know, this isn't fun, this isn't on purpose, this isn't the, you know, the build character or anything. This is out of my control, and I wish I wasn't doing it. So very quickly, and that so I don't know if I explained this before, but there's like two main streams of anxiety or where it's coming from. The first stream, which is what I just talked about, is the actual role itself, okay? So driving proper trucks this time, you know, using these Road Ranger gearboxes with 18 gears in it, you know, and trying not to crunch gears and having the double clutch. And like these are skills and stuff that are extremely difficult. That's why, you know, being a truckee, an Australian truckee that drives Road Ranger gearboxes, B doubles, road trains, you know, all over the like these people who are my heroes, like make no mistake, there is so much to this job, more than I thought there would be, to be honest. Like, these are top operators, man. Like, and and they deserve respect because the job is hard. Like, you know, and I'll talk about in future episodes how the job's hard because of being away from family and the long hours, but that's not the point of this episode. But just the mechanics of the job, you know, driving these massive vehicles, um, you know, controlling these engines with 600 horsepower, you know, these massive Cummins engines with these gearboxes and trying to make it all work. Like it's it's massive, you know. This is a huge undertaking for anybody, um, myself included. And, you know, and and that's fine though. That's what I knew was happening. But, you know, again, like my expectations are, unfortunately, that I need to be the best operator straight away. It's been the same with anything that I've I've started from scratch. You know, day one, I need to be the best or else I'm failing. So that's the sort of paradigm that I'm viewing, unfortunately. My um my beginnings of driving B doubles and semi-trailers and doing all this properly, you know, and and it's it's been hard because that is a you know, you can't win. It's an it's a no-win game. You can't win that game. Like, for example, like these gearboxes, right? These Road Ranger gearboxes, 18 gears, splitting gears, you've got to match the revs, or else the gear won't go in, and then it makes this noise, and you gotta double clutch, and you've got to, you know, you've got to pick the right gear going up hills, or else you're gonna go backward. Like, there is so much to this gearbox, just this gearbox. And it really separates truckies from wannabes, you know? And that's why I chose in part this company I'm working for, because I know they have trucks with these gearboxes, because they're doing big loads. This is the real stuff. This is where the credentials are, and this is, you know, the experience that I can lean on and draw upon when I'm trying to make differences in the industry, you know, when it comes to mental health, because I can be a top operator first and researcher second, because I drive and have driven the real stuff. I've done the inner state, I've done the long hours, I know what it's like because I am one, I'm a truckie. You know what I mean? And that's why Resilient Roadways is going to work, I think, because it's based on the experiences at the coal face of the industry. Anyway, that's a topic for another day. Um, so one, you know, stream of anxiety is my actual performance in this role, trying to learn everything and how overwhelming it is, trying to learn everything and these expectations I have. So that in itself is just ridiculously difficult to manage. But, you know, it is what it is. I knew this was coming, although the intensity's probably been a bit more than I thought. But hey, you know, this is this is what was always gonna happen, and I just hope that all this pain will equal, you know, a big reward at the end. Now the other stream. of anxiety or where it's coming from is I guess like the the social side of things, you know, do my colleagues, do the fellow truckies, do they like me? You know, do they have any sort of respect for me? Are they laughing at me at how garbage I am at driving a truck by me back? You know, or worse, are they thinking this guy's not going to make it? You know, we've got to pull the pin on it, you know? Like I I create these fan, well not fantasies, but you know, these these nightmares in my head. And I have had nightmares, let me tell you, there's been a lot of nightmares literally, you know, waking up covered in sweat, freaking out because in my dream, you know, everyone said that, you know, you're hopeless, go back to Newcastle, you won't make it, get out. You know, but like there's this social side of of trying to earn the respect of everybody, but feeling as though I never will and that I don't have any respect at all. And quite the opposite, they all think I'm a bit of a joke and to be honest they don't really like me and they're trying to ostracize me and hope that I leave you know ASAP. Like that's the and and you know there's been days where my anxiety is so bad that I have 100%, well 90% believed that. You know, like I've driven back into the yard and a couple of the guys um you know are standing with a manager one of the majors say and you know those look over as I drive in as you do because like oh someone's pulled up that's me. Elliot's back with another load you know how good's he going but I'm thinking they're looking at me going this guy is hopeless. You know how do we get rid of him? He is garbage you know and I feel I have felt so sure about that. And then like for example one of these days I was sure I was getting a sack right so very quickly very quickly um I don't know if you're aware you would be if you're listening to this episode currently but there is a fuel crisis across the world because of this war with Iran, the strat of Hamoose and all this sort of stuff. So the price of diesel in Australia has gone up astronomically and you know me being economically minded and and knowing geopolitics and all you know all that sort of stuff I'm not stupid. This transport company I work for their fuel bill for diesel would have gone up by tens of thousands of dollars potentially per day. So you know in my head I'm thinking all of a sudden this business doesn't matter who it is any business but this particular one that I've just started with um the wheat that the fuel crisis started funnily enough you know all of a sudden their costs have gone through the roof like every transport company but you know their costs have gone through the roof and potentially you know the managers the owners are thinking look we've got to cut costs because we've got to absorb this cost somehow um you know we might have to cut a few team members because you know it's just it's it's unsustainable to trade this way. So obviously I've got it in my head that they're looking to cut people and I'm the most recent person who started so obviously I'm thinking I'm the first one to go. And I remember there was this particular day I drove in and the manager was talking to one of the other majors and I was sure it was about me and that they were preparing to say listen Elliot we appreciate the fact that you've come down from Newcastle and you've made this big effort you know we respect that but unfortunately because of you know trading conditions um you know our hands are tied and we're not able to keep you on the books uh which is very unfortunate but you know fuel crisis out of our control sorry mate uh you know good luck with whatever is next so I this particular day I was absolutely convinced I'm gone I'm gonna you know and I justify I was like yeah it makes sense I'm on their side you know like this fuel bill thing this diesel price is ridiculous and it's no one's fault in this country especially not in this company like you know they're just doing what they've got to do to survive and keep everyone else employed I'd get rid of me too you know so I'm convinced I'm gone and I'm actually on their side about this anyway they call me over I'm like oh this is it I'm done I am absolutely done you know and you can see why I would think that you know randomly ish I you know I pull up and I I I remember I went to the toilet which was sort of near where they was standing because near the officers and they said Ellie can you come here for a second and so I'm thinking well I I had a good couple of weeks and shit this is it I'm done you know this is my worst and I remember walking over just floating you know I disassociate completely and you know there was no stress actually it was no anxiety I was just numb and anyway from what I remember they basically said you know you're doing a really good job you know keep at it and um you know like like we're we're pretty impressed with with the ticker that you've shown and you know keep keep at it and let me tell you in the transport industry to get feedback like that is massive you know this is the sort of industry and maybe this is one of these cultural things that need to change I don't know I'm gonna find this out but often you don't hear about the good work that you've done you know it's it you only well in some places in the industry uh you only really hear about the things that maybe you need to work on or mistakes that have been made you know and you need to hear that feedback don't get me wrong but it's the other end of the scale where maybe we need a bit more of that which is that you know you're actually doing a good job we appreciate the work that you're doing um keep it up so I actually got a bit of this feedback and I knew straight away I was like this is a special moment because this doesn't happen in trucking very often um and and then you know straight away all of a sudden that theory I had that that that I was so sure about that I was getting the getting the sack like it was the complete opposite and like and I remember in that moment thinking well what else am I coming up with these ideas that you know that are fuelled by anxiety by imposter syndrome by my inner critic by all of this what else is there that I'm convinced is going on that maybe isn't happening at all? I need to get my head out of that anxious storm and try and look at things with a bit more balance. So that was about week three um and that did you know help some fears a little bit but I don't know the last six weeks you know that's just one example but there's been plenty but like every day you know I jump in the truck and I'm I'm starting it up and I'm thinking oh look I've got to get going quick they're gonna think I'm just wasting time you know I bet you they're watching me try and hook up this trailer I bet you they're thinking what's he doing he should we do you know like my mind just doesn't stop and it's just going and going and going with all these negative things all this negative self-talk and just absolutely running me down and trying to convince me that things are so bad but they're about to get a hell of a lot worse. So prepare yourself because you haven't experienced negative emotion until you've experienced what's coming. So that's every day every day I'm thinking that you know I'm judging my performance as if I should be the best driver the world's ever seen. I'm assuming that I'm nothing but a drain of resources at this place and I'm not adding value as a team member at all which is not true. I'm coming up with these scenarios of where I'm going to get sacked or where I'm gonna make a huge mistake or where I am making mistakes and that at any moment my fraudulent you know claims of being a truckier about to be found out. And I'm just petrified 247 about all of this. It just goes on and on and I'm freaking out and it's only been the last week that maybe some of this has started to lift. And I think it has and I'm trying to look again look at this more objectively and part of this is the fact I'm doing this episode. So dysregulated daily gone haven't done it for six weeks you know I haven't done a potty episode for like four weeks you know like there's no surprise that this is happening. It's because when I'm so in the grind of this anxious tornado that's just dragging me down to my version of hell uh when I am totally drowning in this my capacity to do anything else but hold on to whatever the most important thing is um you know I just don't have the capacity to do anything. So you know I've been holding on when it comes to the job so I've been doing big hours you know 12, 13 hours I've been doing so much work, working so hard. And to be honest I've actually been doing pretty good. I'm pretty happy when the fog allows me to see it with how I've been going. Don't get me wrong there's so much to learn oh God it's so overwhelming. But at the same time so far I've done pretty well um I'm trying to hold on to that and the fact that I'm able to think that now means that the panic is starting to lift somewhat but overall for the last six weeks it's just been constant you know constant even when I finish work I'm thinking about work I'm thinking about resilient roadways and how I should be doing more for it and I'm not achieving enough and you know how it works. If you've listened to this show long enough you know those negative spirals I get into about you know what I'm contributing to the world and all that sort of stuff so you know what it's like but all of this has been at an intensity that I don't think I've experienced before but the intensity I think is directly related to the significance of what I'm undertaking here. And I think if I can just get through this anxiety and then get comfortable within the role then things are going to really happen. Because you know let's be honest all right now I'm being honest with myself here last six weeks have been horrible but man have I just kept on trucking seriously this is another example this is positive this is unreal but it's true this is another chapter of Elliot's resilience of Elliot's strength of character of just being you know just tough as nails and just you know just weathering the storm just being battered from all directions just absolutely belted but somehow just keeping on keeping on you know keeping on trucking I'm just I just keep punching you know again I'm like Rocky I'm getting belted but I just I go down but I just get straight back up and I say to Apollo creed let's go let's do it anyway I digress but that's the story right that's what the last six weeks have been um just just absolute panic and and total anxiety and I haven't been able to escape it and it's coming from a few directions like I said some of it's coming from a place where this stuff comes from for all people when they start something new especially something that has significance you know we all get a bit of nerves a bit of anxiety because like holy dooley this is it you know and that's normal and the anxiety at that level is good because it keeps you sharp you know and you remember things better and you're locked in and you know like it's evolutionary. But unfortunately if you're like me and your anxiety just you know it doesn't have like a limit to it it it just becomes so great that the burden is just it's it's crushing. It just crushes you but that's the thing and I guess that's really the message of this episode which is here I am you know I'm driving back to Woodonga now from Newcastle you know um when I get in and I'll be at work again tomorrow at 6 a.m probably another 11 12 hour day bring it on um I'm gonna be freaking out but look you know what can I say I'm pretty tough you know so that's that's like that's what last six weeks has been it's been one panic attack but what's really important is that it's been a panic attack but I haven't waivered you know I don't know what like other people have been seeing of me and what they're thinking but from the feedback that I've got it's all been pretty positive that you know Ellie you've made a huge step here but you're really digging in and you're learning the craft the art of trucking and you know and I even got told that because I went down there right obviously I've got a degree in psychology and that is sort of frowned upon a bit in in the transport industry amongst you know truckies and I get why you know pen pushing all that sort of stuff um but you know I sort of went down there and I tried to keep that secret a little bit but saying so I'm not gonna lie who I am or what I'm about and I was pretty open and I was pretty early on that I was I had a big goal here of this resilient roadways to try and help with the mental health of the industry. So obviously me having a degree in psychology and being a part of research in psychology came up and I wasn't going to lie about it. One of the majors actually come and pulled me aside because he did notice I was having a particularly difficult day but again you know he said mate everyone's impressed at how you just you know you're just giving it everything you've got and he said look I know you think it's a secret but let me tell you right now everyone knows that you got a degree in psychology okay secrets out which I laughed and said yeah I've got obviously a big mouth I can't keep a secret which is true um but he said he said mate let me tell you you are earning lots of respect from the team because yeah you got a degree and maybe people at first thought oh you know what's going on here but you know you've been getting in there as much as anyone else you're just given everything you've gotten mate you're earning respect and I remember that was a big moment too um so yeah so that's what's going on right obviously doing this episode right now I'm a bit amped up I am a bit amped up um and I've been amped up for weeks you know but what's interesting as well and we're gonna wrap this episode up shortly um but what's interesting as well is the difference though between I guess the effects of my or or at least my energy levels um how my energy is despite these anxious storms you know like I remember when I started Bunnings or started came my stuff like I was so anxious obviously and I was so tired all the time just fatigued because I was running you know fight or flight mode or freeze constantly um and you know the cortisol was pumping heart rate would have been up the norepinephrine would have been flowing way too much and constantly in that you know state of all right something's about to happen I've got to be ready you know really hard on the body you know physiologically and then that all filters into your psychological um you know uh health as well it it all is linked up but the thing is like back then in the other roles it used to just floor me you know I'd just be so tired and just bleh whereas this time although the anxious storm is stronger than it's ever been you know like I get the work and I'm I'm raring to go you know I jump in and I'm like right oh let's go let's get pick up this load I'm ready to strap it down show me how to use the dogs and chance you know like I'm still bubbling along I got that energy you know it's like yeah you know although I'm under extreme stress and extreme psychological load as far as my actual energy goes I've got energy and I think that's because I know I'm doing what I should be doing and that fires dopamine like nothing else you know if you are following your meaning and purpose and you are engaged in something that you know is directly related to your meaning and purpose and he's doing nothing but furthering your aims as far as that goes and fulfilling that meaning and purpose and the vision that's been created nothing gets dopamine going like that. And when dopamine's flowing energy tends to flow with it and not only do you have energy it's energy that can actually be focused on what you're trying to achieve. And that's why I think I've been able to you know for all of this stress I've been under when it comes to the actual role of driving and and focusing on driving and tying my loads down properly and learning the craft you know I've been locked in baby locked in big time you know like I I do think I've done a pretty good job at picking it all up and you know that I I haven't really wandered from the task and from the goal that that's you know like I come down and I knew the first couple of months would just be learning learning the industry you know proving that I've got what it takes in such a difficult you know environment that transport is and you know all that sort of stuff proving to myself that I can do it. You know I knew it would be just head down and just absolutely go for it. And I also knew obviously that this stress would come with it. But that's one thing this anxious load hasn't been able to do which is knock me off course you know I've I've turned up every day I've put in every day I've given it everything and I'm bloody proud of that. And I know that once this storm lifts I am going to absolutely love what I'm doing. And this is what I should have been doing from years ago when I was at Tamex Transport when I was younger and I almost did but then it all just sort of fell apart right at the moment I was about to fully engage with the industry which is a shame but then I did pivot towards you know psychology and now I'm bringing them both together so maybe it was meant to be but that's the thing as difficult as this has been I haven't wavered at all you know like the vision is as clear as ever if not clearer and I can see how my efforts right now directly relate to what I'm trying to achieve and that is exciting. I just need this anxiety to piss off and so I can enjoy what I'm doing because just to finish up this episode that's essentially what the anxiety is doing. It's it's you know it's suffocating my joy you know it's suppressing my ability to enjoy what I'm doing. And you know once I'm able to dial down the anxiety I think that's when the joy the pure joy will come out like I said transport and supply chain logistics and stuff this is one of my autistic fixations right forever. You know I used to have in pro in high school I used to talk about trucks I had a hashtag supply chain never sleeps you know I was I was the outback truck and warrior like trust me when I'm able to fully enjoy this job like the joy from my I guess inner child in many ways is going to be unbelievable. And that's what I can't wait to happen. And that is part of why I'm sticking with it because yeah there's the meaning and purpose that's definitely obviously a motivator but I do know that underneath all this negativity there is pure joy and a lot of it I think is coming from my little inner child that doesn't feel pure joy very often. And you know there's times when I look at the big trucks I'm like yeah how good is this and it's only fleeting those little moments but this is all exciting is that these fleeting moments are starting to happen a little bit more. I haven't been able to hold on to it and you know really make it into a big proper moment but there are little glimpses of this joy that is is bubbling below the surface and I'm really excited for when I can let my autistic obsessions just absolutely run wild without fear of judgment from people or this fear that I'm hopeless at what I'm doing and you know I I should quit you know when I'm confident that I'm competent and all that sort of stuff it's gonna be immense it's gonna be amazing but make no mistake the last six weeks have been absolute torture oh it's been so hard it's been like that's yeah like my capacity to do anything is just gone you know I can't go shopping for food because I'm too scared I can't you know like yeah it's it's just I haven't been able to talk to friends I haven't been able to make phone calls to people that I need to do and you know I haven't been able to do all the podcast stuff everything it's just taking the back seat because I've had whatever energies and focus I've been able to muster it's been wholly focused on truck driving and which is what's had to happen but it is a shame that a few other things have had to sort of fall by the wayside at least momentarily until you know I'm able to open up my capacity levels again. So there you go. That's the reason why you haven't heard from me much because I've been in the grind big time. The last six weeks have been so hard but the good thing is I think the storm is starting to lift somewhat and I think doing this episode is proof of that. So fingers crossed that trend continues this week and then all of a sudden maybe then I'll be able to grab onto these glimpses of joy and instead of amplifying this perceived negativity a lot of it which I don't think is even there I might be able to amplify this joy and if I can do that holy doolly watch out because then Resilient Roadways and Elliot Waters is just going to absolutely fire on all cylinders and I don't think the world has seen the potential that is coming that is bubbling below the surface I just gotta get good at being a truck operator get confident and then just oh mate it's all there and that's just to finish up like again as difficult as last six weeks have been I know like I am low key excited about the fact that you know like I'm actually doing this. You know I've been talking about this for so long and even when I reached out to the owner of the company and listen to the podcast that he was on and and then had the phone call with him and explained about all the mental health work I want to do and he said how you know they'll give me a platform for my work if they can and you know they're happy to give me a role and train me properly and you know like it's felt like a dream all throughout but it's now starting to really feel real and it's like wow that's exciting you know this is actually one of my big plans um that's that's actually starting to happen like it's it's happening the pieces so far have fallen into place and they're continuing to like this is it I'm doing exactly what I was dreaming of doing and I challenge myself to do. And in so many, you know there's so many other instances where the anxiety has got too much and I've never quite gone for it you know um that's not happening this time. Like I am absolutely going for it with everything I've got but I think that is also why the anxiety has been like I've never experienced before and so sustained because there is a link there unfortunately with you know with the significance of the things that I do and then the anxious response that comes from it. But hey again that's Elliot you know that's me and it's you know that's generalized anxiety disorder that's all of them you know that's just how it is and but the the thing is what I'm really proud about and I I am trying to remember this and give myself a pat on the back is that I am sticking with it and although you know bombs are going off around me it feels like I just keep on keeping on and man you know that's pretty cool. Go Elliot. Unbelievable. All right that'll do for me. I know I waff it a lot. When I'm driving back to Wadonga or Newcastle or whatever I just I don't know I get in these moods I just talking talk and talk and I hope it's not bringing the quality of the podcast down. I still think like these rants monologues in some way that I'm doing in the car, you know, I I do truly believe that that they are offering insights that there's not many other you know places you can find insights like these and the I don't know the raw honesty I guess there's no secret here you know this. But I do get worried a bit that I am waffling a bit the last few episodes. So if I am waffling a bit um and you'd like to see me maybe tighten it up a bit please let me know. But at the same time if you're loving me just going for it and just you know telling you everything that I feel and and going into you know the depths of of my experience um you know if you think this is actually what this podcast should be about well tell me that too okay because again it's again waffling now but it's the same sort of thing. You know the podcast comes with its own level of anxiety stress and expectations big time um and you know often I think uh you know I'm waffling too much it must be boring people must tune out then other times I do I guess more rigid focused episodes I think oh you know now it's just becoming like every other podcast and it's getting boring on taking the colour out of it. So I'll be honest with you I've got no idea I never have I've never had any idea about what the best formula is for this podcast although I do suspect that maybe it's just me being honest and truthful and telling you how it is and how it feels to be me and to live with these mental illnesses. And whatever way I package it as long as it stays true to you know my commitment that I've always had on this show to provide you with the most raw honest um what else do I say genuine fed income account of mental illness on all of the internet like that that is still the you know the foundational pillar that I subscribe to and aim for and that's what I you know try and do these podcast episodes and this whole show and everything they do with that being you know the the guidepost it's all about you know telling people how it is and trying to offer you know a story a narrative that people can understand even if maybe they're not going through the same sorts of things but at the same time there's so many people that are going through such similar experiences and what I try to do is offer like I said a narrative an account of things um and I try to explain describe and create a message that resonates with people you know and and I don't know I think I think I do an alright job at that but yeah there's like everything there's so much doubt and I never know what's even what I'm doing right what I'm doing wrong so anyway I just try and keep it as real as I can all right now I'm definitely waffling on thank you for listening if you are enjoying the show please let me know okay please tell me the format of episodes that you enjoy the most um I definitely am going to start doing more episodes again on you know I guess the science of psychology um you know the research behind mental health and these mental illnesses um so for example there's an episode that I promised a friend I'm gonna do which I have to do so it's gonna be on a particular disorder schizoaffective disorder actually and I want to do a deep dive on that disorder because that is one that has a lot of I guess stigma um you know different stigma to borderline personality for example but stigma all the same and I want to sort of you know demystify schizoaffective disorder a little bit and I want to do that with quite a few of the mental illnesses um I've done a few already but I want to keep going and explore these different diagnoses and explain to people what they're really like you know not what the textbook says what it actually is like to live like this you know that's the plan. So I want to bring more of that back and I'll be doing that once I have capacity to do this stuff again. All right and you know you've been listening to this episode you know that all my energies have had to be focused on my new job and everything that's going with it but I'm hoping that now some of the storm is starting to lift and I can redirect my energies towards things like the podcast and dysregulate it daily as well. So anyway that's what's hope hopefully coming soon. I'm not sure when but you know at least now I'm thinking about it again and that's a good sign. So as always though if you are enjoying the show low say reach out to me but please pass it on to other people who may get something out of this as well. You know like there's a lot of people for example that would like to understand more about mental health because maybe they're going through something or they feel as though there's people that they care about that's going through this stuff but maybe they don't feel confident doing the research themselves or asking questions of people because of fear of judgment whatever. The good thing about my podcast is that you can listen to it and nobody has to know all right so if you want to know a bit about mental health for example you could say to friends and you know you don't really know where to start but you want to know what it's really like you know listen to this bloke this dysregulated podcast thing you know he's a bit nutty he's not he's not all there but he tells it how it is and you know it's it's a good insight into how things are at least I hope it is. So yeah pass it on to people that may get something out of it that would be cool too. All right that's enough from me I am almost at Wadonga I almost said Aldbury first and then Wadonga so I've got to uh prepare for coming back and then I've got another big week coming up and hopefully sooner rather than later I'll be talking to you about it again in much in a much more positive light. Okay and then we can start to focus on other things as well. All right thanks for listening I do appreciate it and I'll talk to you next time here on the Disregulator podcast