Night Drive Setup And Safety

SPEAKER_00 0:00

G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, so it's been a while since I've done an episode, and I'll tell you what, I almost forgot the uh very important opening line there. So thank goodness I got through that. Alright, so bit of context for this episode. Currently, I am driving uh to Newcastle from Wadonga. So I'm not sure if I've said this very clearly on the show yet. Don't worry. I will be explaining everything in the next episode. But for now, uh just know that I've been driving from Wadonga, Victoria, back to Newcastle, back home for the Easter long weekend. Uh it's currently 2.40 a.m. Uh, and it's actually Good Friday, so happy Easter to all you amazing listeners. Um, so yeah, so currently I'm about uh 80 kilometers away from Newcastle, thundering up the M1 Pacific Motorway. Um, and in true Elliott style, uh, you know, these road trips, these trips home or wherever I go seems to happen at nighttime. I don't know, there's something about nighttime driving I like. Actually, I know exactly what it is, and that's going to be a big part of this episode, and that is the fact that when I'm driving at night on the highway, when it's just me, my thoughts, and the moon, I tell you, some of my best, or at least some of my deepest thoughts manifest themselves. And let me tell you, this trip from Wadonga, which has taken, I don't know, it's been about nine hours. I haven't been making quick time. Um, that's after a full day of work, you know. I'm doing like 60 hour weeks at the moment. Anyway, as I said, I'm going to explain all of this in the next episode about what my life is actually going, you know, how my life is going at the moment and what my circumstances are. Um but uh oh geez, it's happened already. What was I saying again? Um, yeah, my best thoughts, my deepest thoughts come out on the highway when it's just me, my thoughts, and the moon. And it is a full moon, and I'll tell you what, there's been a lot going on this week that has um, you know, really stimulated a lot of thinking. So, first off, a couple of or a disclaimer. First off, okay, excuse me. So, yes, currently I am driving. Um, don't worry, okay. I'm not holding a microphone, I'm not looking at a screen or anything like that. I've got my portable microphone lapel on my hat, and I I look like an idiot, but at the same time, no one knows because there's no one around. Um, so yeah, so it's like I'm talking on a hands-free phone, you know what I mean? So I'm 100% doled in and concentrating on the road in front of me, the M1 Pacific Motorway. Um, so there's no dangers there. I'm not holding a microphone, I'm not holding my phone or a laptop or anything like that. Okay, so it's all hands-free, and I'm definitely concentrating on the road in front. Um, the other thing is that some of these thoughts, I'll be honest, have been pretty negative. Now that's no real surprise. Um, because if you've listened to this show at all, you would know that, you know, there is a bit of a negative sort of, I guess, tone to this podcast. Um, and you know, that's because I say it as it is, you know, and as I feel it and as I experience it, and I don't hide behind the fact that often my thoughts are very heavy, let's say, very, very heavy. So just a little, you know, content warning. I'm not exactly sure where this episode is going to go, um, but there's been a lot of thoughts swirling around, and a lot of them, I must admit, have been on the depressive side of things. Um, so just a content warning there. If maybe now isn't the best time for you to listen to some of my deepest thoughts and feelings about things that are happening around me at the moment. So, and and within, of course, within my brain, my psyche. Um, so all right, so let's start on a bit of a lighter note, though, which is the fact that there's a there is a thought that's well and truly at the forefront of my mind, and that is the fact that I stopped just before um at the servo to get a bit of fuel, which is costing so much money at the moment. But anyway, we're all in that together. It's that's not just a me thing. Um, but that's not really what I'm thinking about. What I'm thinking about is the choice of food and beverage that I just had and just consumed. So what I got was a yogurt, um, and because you know, it's it's I'm not really looking for a heavy meal at what time is it now? Quarter to three in the morning. Um, so I got a yogurt and a uh iced coffee, and I'm really regretting that decision because I don't know if the dairy in the milk is a good idea in the wee hours of the morning like this, especially when, you know, I've been up and going since 5 a.m. Um at the new job, you know, and I've been, I'll I'll admit I've had a bit of caffeine, there's been some medications there too, within prescribed limits, don't worry. But, you know, you know, there's a there's quite a bit going on, quite the concoction, and there's no two ways about it. My guts are curgling right now, and I won't go into any more details about that, but yeah, that that is something I'm gonna have to uh just keep an eye on. Um, anyway, so that's that. Now let's get into some of the thoughts I've been having, and and some of the thoughts that just pop into my mind as I'm driving along, heading towards God's country, Newcastle, New South Wales, Australia. Alright, so this week, unfortunately, a lot of people that I'm really, you know, close with, friends, um, you know, people within my inner circle, I suppose. Fair dinkum, I'll tell you, there's so many. It's just been some of my friends are going through the absolute wars at the moment, let me say that much. Um, and you know, it's hard to hear these things. It's hard to imagine what my friends must be feeling. And I'm not going to go into specifics about, you know, what's going on with my friends, because, you know, um, although this podcast is, you know, there's no secrets here, you know, this isn't, you know, the these examples I'm about to give are not mine, you know what I mean? So, so, but at the same time, I'll I'll go into it a little bit detail because, you know, it'll it'll explain a bit, I think, of why my mind has been plagued by certain thoughts this week. So for example, for example, um friends of mine, one friend has been discharged from hospital, which is great. Um, but you know, I keep thinking how my friend has had to go back to hospital again, and that has been, you know, it's been hard because I'm trying to, you know, not that I'm the person who's got the answers to everybody's problems, you know, but at the same time, you know, I'd like to come up with something if I can for my friends, and this is a theme that's happened with all of them. Um, but it's been very difficult, partly because I'm not in Newcastle anymore. I'm at Wadonga Victoria, which is eight hours away. So, you know, physically there's this distance between myself and the people I care about that are going through such difficult times, and that you know, that in itself has been difficult because you know, I'd like to be able to do more, but I can't because of distance. Um and and then there's another friend who has just gone back into hospital, unfortunately, which which is very difficult for my friend. But again, you know, I care about these people a lot, and you know, I guess I'm an empath, you know. And yeah, it's it's hard to know that my friend is unfortunately, you know, finding themselves needing to go back into hospital, don't get me wrong. Um, hospital can be the best place depending on the circumstances, but at the same time, I'd prefer it if those that I care about or everybody really, but didn't have to go to hospital, you know. Um, and it it is hard. Uh another friend, oh man, another friend has lost a parent during the week. Uh, and there's some pretty traumatic and unbelievably tragic circumstances um around that. And that is that that's yeah, like I can't even begin to imagine how my friend must be feeling about uh what's happened there. And again, you know, I've been thinking a lot about that as well. Um, and then another friend who essentially has has been my mentor, um, and is unfortunately also in hospital, but not for mental health reasons, but yeah, like the the yeah, the the situation there is is not good. And that that has oh man, I don't know, it's just so sad, you know. Like it's sad for anybody that's in that situation, but you know, like I said, my mentor, you know, and and taught has taught me so much, and yeah, it's just hard to know that yeah, that these things happen, you know, because you know, these friends of mine, you know, I look at them and think they're superhuman, you know, and and unfortunately, when these things happen, I am reminded that you know, when it comes to life, um it can be over any any moment. Things can change in an instant and it can be it can be all done, you know? Um, or things can happen and people's lives are forever changed because of that, you know, and and there might be say a burden or a or a you know a trauma or whatever to carry from there on in, you know, and that's terrible, you know. You don't want anyone to feel like that. Um and it's just and then there's the people around, you know, the people that care, I guess I'm one of them, but also, you know, the people around these people I'm sort of talking about, but more broadly, um, it affects so many people, these negative things that happen in life. Now, this is the real big crux of the of the qu you know, the thing I've been asking and dwelling on, and this is something that I've dwelled on for as long as I can remember, you know, like at least in my early teens. Um, maybe I didn't conceptualize it back then like I have or do now, maybe not as defined as it is now, as it was back then, but you know, like this sort of idea has been something that I've just obsessed over for so long. And I probably mentioned on the show here um before, but it certainly deserves mentioning again because all of these examples are examples of bad things happening to good people, you know, and that's the core question. Well, the question is why do these bad things happen to good people? And I've always wondered this, and it's not just when things happen to those closest to me, you know. I watch the news and I see bad things happening to people, you know, and it's like, man, why? Why does it have to be this way? Why do people have to go through these events, these circumstances to then carry these burdens, these traumas, and all the negative emotion and everything that goes with it, you know, like why does this have to happen? Why is this part of the human experience? Because that's the thing, you know, when I am not thinking particularly logically or not using my wise mind if we want to think DBT, you know, sort of approach here. I it gets that that question gets very, I guess, simplistic, which is, you know, bad things keep happening to good people. And it's you know, it's more than that, it's deeper than that, because I've never met anybody who has got off scot-free when it comes to life, you know. Everybody has something, I'm telling you, everybody has got something going on. Everyone is fighting a battle, and you know, and obviously I'm you know, I'm I'm with you all, of course. This podcast is essentially me recounting my own battles. Um, but you know, I don't understand why this has to happen. And as somebody who has been to my version of hell, and you know, I've had to ask myself the question before, is it worth going on, you know, is this it? And I've danced with the devil, you know, and I've I've stared potential, you know, death in the face, and and thank goodness I was like, you know what? Screw you, man. Somehow I'm gonna keep going on, you know, and you know, I'll give myself credit there. Um I'd like to see I'm pretty resilient, but it's not just me, you know, like that's the whole point. Everybody has got stuff going on. Um, and but knowing acutely what those feelings, those negative feelings feel like, because I've experienced them and experienced them so often and so deeply. Unfortunately, that's the reality of having mental illness, you know. That's I've been to my version of hell quite a bit. Um, I guess maybe more than the average person, but at the same time, anybody going there to me is is tragic. But at the same time, I I also am aware that that's part of the human experience. And as much as I try to intellectualise this and conceptualize it and come up with some sort of way to mitigate this and to stop myself and also others going through that, you know, I can't come up with that answer. And I know that, you know, I'm just I'm just a mere mortal. Um when I'm manic, yes, maybe I think that I've got some divine right to cure people's depression and anxieties and all that goes with it, but you know, I don't. I'm just I'm just a human like the rest of us. Um, but I cannot stop obsessing over this idea of these negative events happening to good people who just don't bloody deserve it, you know, they don't bloody deserve it. None of us do. Um, so yeah, so that's been that's been really playing on my mind on this drive a lot. It's been playing on my mind a lot this week. Um, and you know, like I've kept it composed and stuff, you know. It hasn't it hasn't over overwhelmed me or anything, but at the same time, it's it's you know, it's another of those heavy burdens, I guess, those significant loads to to carry. And that has had a bit of a psychological toll on me. But again, you know, like forget that, you know, it's my friends that I'm thinking of, and they're you know, forget my troubles, but you know, not things are going pretty good well. Okay, things aren't going perfectly well for me, but yeah, compared to unfortunately the circumstances that some of my friends and closest people, you know, um have found themselves in. I just, yeah, like it's yeah. Anyway, so that has been a big, big part of what I've been thinking on this drive, this very, very long, long drive. Um, and you know, I'll be honest, like, don't get me wrong, like I'm locked in as I'm driving now. There's no dangers here. Like, this is why I'm gonna be a great truck driver, because I can lock in. Even when I'm tired and fatigued and I'm feeling fried and cooked, doesn't matter. I lock in, you know, there's no mistakes, I get the job done. And, you know, once again, I've proven it to myself. I've worked like 11 or 12 hours today, and then I've I've got in the car, and now I'm driving to Newcastle, and you know, easy. You know, I'll I'll drive back to Wadonga if I have to. Like what right now, whatever, I don't care. Okay, not really. I need to sleep. But still, you know what I mean? I'm locked in. Um, but at the same time, I am, you know, it's been a big week because I have started this new job, which I'll talk about more in the next episode. But, you know, like I have been so anxious, so anxious, um, since I've started this new job, which I knew I would be. There's no surprises there. Um, but I have been. So, um, and needless to say, the hours have been pretty long. Um, so on this drive, I know that mentally or psychologically or whatever, even physiologically, um, I have felt a bit, you know, a bit on edge, I suppose. Not on edge, but like, you know, a bit prickly, I guess, is some is one way to sort of describe it. And my mood has been a bit brittle as a result. So, yeah, the fact that I've been thinking these sorts of really deep, you know, things about life and what it's all about is no surprise. And and even if I was well rested and you know, it was during the day, I'd be, I'd be thinking the same things. This is what, this is what I, you know, this is what goes on in my head, you know. What can I say? Um, I don't know. As far as I understand, not everybody else um has these sorts of obsessions about these really deep um questions of life itself, but I don't know, I do, so whatever. Um, but but yeah, there's no dangers here either, as far as my thoughts go. This is well within um understood parameters. It's just, you know, this is just part of what I do. Um that's not the only thing I've been thinking of, though. Uh so again, on these drives, I'll admit, usually I will think about relationships, you know, whether it's it's not necessarily I think about well, I I guess I think about past relationships, but not necessarily um, you know, the individuals themselves and like longing. I certainly am not longing for any of my past, you know, I guess romance, I don't know, what what would you call, you know, like my my former girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, there you go. Um and and don't, you know, like that that's not, but at the same time, you know, I do think about relationships a lot. I think about the fact that I'm not in one and haven't been in one for a very long time, it doesn't look like that's gonna change. Um, and I have been trying to get used to this idea that maybe I am gonna be a lone ranger, you know, and I just gotta do my own thing, and that's alright. And for the most part, I've sort of accepted that, although the door is certainly open if somebody wanted to uh knock on that door and and maybe you know walk in and say good day. Um, anybody listening, by the way, if you if you enjoy the show and and you're a big fan and you know, you feel free to reach out anyway. Instagram thedisregulated.podcast. But anyway, so um yeah, it's no surprise. I think about relationships a lot. I've got BPD, you know, borderline personality disorder, I've got all the other stuff as well. Relationships is a huge part of my life, whether I'm in one or I'm not. The idea, the concept of a relationship and all that it means and all that it can bring, and all that maybe um, you know, will be missed if if that doesn't happen, you know, longer term. Um, these, you know, that that topic is something that I think about all the time, you know. I I'd almost say constantly. I'm sure subconsciously it is 100% just going round and round and round, and very often, every day, but multiple times a day, it will rear its its ugly-ish head. And you know, because this is the thing, right? And this is what I've been thinking. Um you know, me myself, okay, this is gonna be a bit abstract, but hang on, okay? Um, this will make sense, I I think. So, me, the self as I am now, a 35-year-old. Um, you know, I don't mind the idea necessarily of me just doing my thing, you know. At this point, I don't think it's the end of the world. I think there's other ways in which I can um gain, I don't know, fulfillment, you know, and that's through my really strong meaning and purpose. I've spoken about this on a previous episode. Um, I think by focusing On this meaning and purpose and this vision, this blueprint for my life and what I want to achieve that I've come up with, which I will talk more about on the next episode. That's why I'm back in the transport industry. Big plans, everyone, big plans. But anyway, me myself as I am now as a 35-year-old, I think the meaning and purpose, if I focus on it and I work hard enough, that will give me the you know, the deep connection to life itself that I crave. You know what I mean? I think that will do it. The problem is though, and you know, this has been a big part of this drive, especially when the sun has gone down. It was a beautiful sunset, right? Coming out of um the riverina of New South Wales, um, heading towards the hunter. Uh, the sunset was, I'm not gonna lie, it was it well, I I put it on my personal Instagram and really I should have done hashtag gratitude because it was one of those moments where I pulled over and took took a little video and I was like, man, this is beautiful, you know. How I I and I practiced gratitude in that moment. I was like, this is pretty cool, you know, that I get the drive to Newy um for Easter long weekend, see me family and friends, and the fact that I get to see this sunset just sort of really, you know, it sort of set the tone. But that's the thing, you know, it set the tone. A beautiful sunset with pink colours and all that, you know, it reminded me of love, you know. It looked like love, you know, I say personified, it's not personified because it's not a person, but love manifesting itself in nature ego, and it was beautiful. And I couldn't help but stand there while I was pulled over on the side of the Hume Highway, looking at this sunset, thinking, man, wouldn't it be nice if I had a beautiful partner, a beautiful girlfriend, a beautiful, well, 35, so a beautiful wife, even some beautiful children, my beautiful little family. Wouldn't it be amazing if, you know, that that had or had yeah, has hang on, I'm getting my words mixed up, it's just gone 3 a.m. So, you know, give me a break. Um, wouldn't it be nice if that had eventuated and I was in that moment with my little family, you know? And I I s you know, I sort of stood there and I was like, damn, you know, maybe, maybe that is something that I sort of want. And and, you know, maybe I don't know. I don't know if it's a good thing that I feel that way, because I have tried very hard to, I guess, really put a lid on that whole idea and the feelings associated, because it's like, you know, you know, a big part of me is is just accepted my fate that you know it's not gonna happen. So, you know, if I don't think about it, I don't concentrate on it, I don't feel it and embody it, that's the safest and best way forward. Um, but in that moment, I guess that beautiful sunset was able to penetrate my defenses and you know, and and I imagined myself with my little family, or at least, you know, a beautiful partner with beautiful blonde hair and you know, just oh blue eyes, just like me. Um and yeah, I don't know. Uh I sort of I I had a real longing for that, and that has also flowed through on this drive. Um, so relationships, there you go. Uh uh that has been a huge part of this. Um, and that's no surprise because it always is on these drives. As I said, it is every day, but yeah, big time on this drive, big time. Um, and I don't know, I don't mind that, you know, in some ways. Um because you know, I am an emotional person, uh, and I, you know, I'm not ashamed of my emotions. I I'm proud of them, and it's my emotional depth that I think um makes me who I am. It is just hard to um, I guess, let those emotions do their thing when I'm also thinking at the same time that, you know, this is just a fantasy, this is just a dream, this isn't reality, and it ain't going to eventuate. So that's hard. And then that flows into thinking about past relationships and, you know, because they all ended pretty badly and all in similar ways, you know. Unfortunately, borderline personality disorder, it it tends to, you know, there tends to be a pattern, and unfortunately that pattern um has repeated itself over the years, and and you know, I still carry quite a bit of regret, guilt, shame about some things that happened. And although, um, you know, as far as I'm aware, all my former girlfriends um, you know, have a pretty, I think, high opinion of me, which is great. Um, you know, there's no two ways about it. Yeah, yeah, it's it it wasn't good. And I and I still carry that that guilt around. So it's not so much, you know, damn, I wish it worked out with so-and-so. It's not that so much. It's more, I wish that, you know, X, Y, and Z didn't happen, I guess. So, and then, okay, this is the real big point though. So that was all going through my head, but this is the see, it just gets deeper and deeper. This is the thing. No other podcast, I'm telling ya, goes to the depths that the dysregulated podcast does, okay? There is no show that is that is deeper, that is more raw, genuine, honest, uh, real, fair dinkum than the dysregulated podcast. There is no mental health show on the internet that gives you what I'm giving you right now. And here's another example um because it goes deeper because then my inner child, my inner child um presented itself to my consciousness, to my psyche, and me, or sorry, my inner child and I, um, yeah, we we sort of had a bit of a walk down memory lane, you know, and there's no I'll be completely honest, my inner child is is really longing for its, I don't know, twin flame, you know, the inner child of my partner, my wife, you know, um, this idea of both inner childs, you know, sort of holding hands and, you know, you know, experiencing that pure, not inner, well, I guess innocent sort of, you know, deep connection, emotional connection. You know, my inner child really longs for that with someone else's inner child as well. And I can visualize it, you know, I can see that my inner child wants to be, I can see it now, walking down, I think there's a lot walking down a dirt path in the country somewhere, um, holding hands with you know my my wife's inner child. And it's beautiful, I'm telling you, this this imagery that I think of, you know, this scene, this this dream, this uh this longing, it's beautiful. This visual, it is beautiful, and it's enough to bring you to tears, I'm telling you. Like it's just, you know, and I see it dirt right in the country, in the bush, you know, and it's just beautiful sunset, you know, it's just unreal. And you know, what can I say? It's I would love to be able to give that uh or to turn that into my reality, you know, so my inner child can experience that, so I can experience that. And although try as I might to put a lid on these sorts of dreams, um, you know, it's there. It's there, you know. Sometimes I can put the lid on pretty tight, but man, you know, we're it's it's there's so much emotional energy involved that it's you know, I I when I'm really serious about this, you know, I I'm I think I'm kidding myself a little bit when I try to convince myself that you know just doing my thing on my own, you know, that's what I really want. Because I it's not, it's not what I really want. But at the same time, you know, I've got to be realistic here. 35 years old, and you know, everyone around me is married, and the majority have kids, you know, and then and it's just me. It seems it feels as though, and it probably isn't, but it feels to me as though it's just me that's on my own. And it's like, well, you know, let's look at this logically. What is this podcast about? My mental health story, which is which is more than tinged with mental illness, you know, and there's some very complex mental illnesses at play. I've mentioned borderline personality disorder before, but that is, you know, that's certainly not the whole story. And if you've listened to the show, you would know that. Like the autism is another big one that's really implicated in this whole relationships thing, but there's more than that. Um, and you know, I I guess I try and look at it at these things with my thinking mind, and it's like, well, you know, there's a lot of mental illnesses here. So it makes sense that maybe, Elliot, you just can't have that, you know, you can't make that dream a reality because unfortunately you've got these illnesses, and you know, it sucks. You know, maybe it's another example of bad things happening to, I don't know, good people, a good person. Um, but hey, look let's just um be realistic here, you know? You got BPD, mate. Like, you got autism. Like, what chance did you ever have? Like, come on. So, yeah, so I've been thinking about that a lot. Um, and that has also been triggered, I'll admit, by uh there was a a post on Instagram of a a an ex-girlfriend of mine um who posted a photo with her her partner, it it appears. And I tell you what, she looks really bloody happy. And and my first thoughts was or were that, you know, unreal. I'm so glad that she, you know, really genuinely looks happy, you know, and I'm happy for her because I only want good things for her, you know. But then it's like, uh, again, you know, this isn't, oh geez, I wish that was me with her in the photo necessarily. It's not necessarily that, but it's like, uh, when, you know, what what about me? Do I do I get that, does that get to happen to me? Do I get another chance at trying to make this all work? Or or, you know, is it all over, Red Rover? Is it have I done me dash, you know? So, yeah, it's it's been yeah, it's been it's been a challenging week because at the same time, I've started this new job, I'm so, so anxious. Um the people I care about, not at all, but a lot, so many of the people that I care about so much are going through such difficult, you know, difficult times at the moment, and I feel a bit powerless to sort of help. Um, and yeah, there's been a really heavy emotional load that I've been carrying, um, personally, but also of those that are around me. And and then there's the usual sort of things that I think about anyway. Even when things are going great, I'm thinking about relationships, you know. That's just how that's just how I'm wide, unfortunately. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. Um, and even when things are going good, that burden is still certainly there. And I do my best to carry it every day. And I, you know, I'm resilient, I do a pretty good job. But on these sorts of drives, um, you know, it's fertile ground for these um topics, these themes um to come up, manifest themselves, and you know, really force me into thinking about them deeply. Now, again, I don't know if I said this before, but um none of this is anything to be worried about as far as like I'm concerned. There's there's no danger here, there's there's no issues as far as um things spiraling out of control. This is all within um very well understood parameters. Uh so I know these way, you know, this way of thinking, I know it very, very well. There's no danger here. It's just, you know, it's just how my mind operates. I get obsessive about certain things. Um, and these are the things on this particular drive that I've been thinking about. So, but but there's other things too. I and I'll wrap this up sort of quickly because I am almost home, uh, which is good. What time is it? It's quarter past three. Um, you know, great timing, Elliot. Really looking after that sleep, you know. I I know so well how important sleep is for mental health. After all, my th my honest thesis in psychology I did at university was on sleep and its effect on um uh metrics like um well, depression outcomes, let's say, and anxiety. Um, but well, I don't know, I I'm wide differently. At night is when my best thinking is done, the deepest thinking, you know, when I feel the most engaged and connected to life. But unfortunately, a lot of this engagement is through a negative lens. But at the same time, I always think this as well. Um, you know, I don't, I think really I look at these things through a very realistic lens. I think what other people do, I'm not pointing fingers here at anybody, but I think generally, from what I've seen, other people tend to block this sort of stuff out, you know, and the evils of the world, people seem to be able to, you know, like a racehorse, put the blinkers on and just focus on what's ahead. You know, I don't have that. I don't have the blinkers, I can't filter the evils of the world. And unfortunately, um when examples of this sh um, you know, show themselves to me, which which is constantly because that's what this world is like, unfortunately. It's it's full of evil. I know it's full of good positive, you know, as well, but yeah, I focus on the negative. That's just again how I'm wide. Um, and there's plenty of examples of that around me. Um, and this week has really shown me again that that's the case. And the last thing I sort of want to talk about, which I've been thinking about too, is that um so going back into the transport industry, you know, a reason or the one of the main reasons I'm doing it, one is because I love trucks and I love transport just you know in general. Um it's one of my autistic fixations. But another thing is because I want to really do some work in the industry, the transport industry, and try and improve the mental health of the industry because you know you know, it's the the outcomes, the data all suggests that the industry's in a lot of trouble when it comes to mental health. And, you know, being back in the industry, I've I've spoken to some really experienced, you know, truck drivers, operations, team members, and and I've sort of, you know, just asked a few questions about you know about life on the road, what's like being an inner state truck driver, you know, and all the difficulties that come with it. And man, man, that some of the stories already that I've heard, it's just like, God, it's like everyone is going through so much stuff. You know, nobody gets off scot-free. And and already, people in the industry that I've spoken to that on the face of things would appear to me, you know, that that wouldn't be very emotional, you know, but man, it doesn't take much and and people just open up because everyone's going through stuff like right now, there's stuff going on with everybody. And it's all, if it hasn't, you know, shown itself to the world, it is bubbling just below the surface, and it's it's hard because a lot of people really, you know, make sure that it doesn't show itself to the world and to everybody for whatever reason, stigma, for example, being one, but there's plenty more reasons than that. Um, but unfortunately, what happens, and this happens with men a lot, and I think this happens in the transport industry a lot too, although I'm still investigating this, um, but people appear to bottle it up, bottle it up, bottle it up, and then all of a sudden the pressure explodes, and by that point, um, it's too late often to intervene. Interventions, um, it's too little too late, and then you know, some pretty, pretty, um, pretty, you know, significant things can happen. So already, you know, just because unfortunately, I like I guess most people, I tend to judge people, you know, on face value or judge a book by its cover a little bit. And you know, a lot of these inner staters that I've spoken to already, it's like, oh, look, this person won't feel any depression or anything or anxiety, like, come on, look at it, it's tough as nails, you know. And and even that is feeding into the stigma a bit, you know. Um, and which is what I want to work on. And in some ways, it's a good thing that I'm a little bit sort of buying into it because I have firsthand experience of the stigma, because yeah, unfortunately, in some ways I've I've succumbed to it myself. But you know, all it takes is a few little probing questions, and then boom, you know, everyone's got a story. It's it's just oh man, I don't know. It's just yeah, that's so that's what I've been thinking about on my drive from Wadonga, Victoria, from from the Victorian and New South Wales border to the Hunter to Newcastle, where I am right now. Um, I'm I'm probably 10 minutes away from home, which is pretty cool. And it's now 20 past three, which I'm I need to stop focusing on because whatever, who cares? I'm gonna go to bed, it's all good. It's good Friday tomorrow. Oh, sorry, today, it's good Friday today, so it's all good though, because I'm back in New Year, I'm gonna see friends, I'm gonna see family, it is all good. Um, but yeah, so there's a bit of insight into what I've been thinking about for the last like nine hours, um, and also frequently um every day throughout the week, but more than that, just every day. So yeah, um, so yeah, that's that's the I again I I don't know for sure, but I don't think other people or or not everybody, uh again, this could be me just judging a book by its cover, but I don't think most people think about things like this so obsessively and and consistently, and I I don't know, tell me maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am wrong, I don't know. Um, but yeah, that's that's how I operate, that's what I think about. And like I said, there's no sort of dangerous aspect to this. It's it's you know, in some ways it's almost comforting because I've been thinking these sorts of thoughts I don't know forever. So, um, but yeah, and there's been some great music that I've had on this trip too, that's just really, you know, taken me back and you know, just got these memories going. And I love that sort of stuff. Even the the hard memories, you know. I just enjoy, I do enjoy um, you know, diving into the the river of emotion. Um as long as it's it's a river that I've got a you know a life jacket on and and I know I can get out when I need to, but you know, I do love feeling, I guess, in a lot of ways, the full spectrum of emotions, you know, and I love feeling these deep emotions because it makes me feel alive. And as someone with BPD, you know, I crave this supercharged emotional um, you know, experience. Um and but at the same time, there's no two ways about it. A lot of the the material, the subject material that I think about is is pretty heavy, and that that does wear me down. It does wear me down. And um, yeah, so but anyway, that's what I've been thinking about on this trip. I don't know if this episode has really made sense or if there's been any flow to it, but you know, whatever. Um that's just yeah, I'm pretty much just you know downloading to you guys or uploading one of them exactly how I've been feeling. So, but like I said, yeah, there's been some great songs. Now there's a song by Blink 182, and geez, my memory's bad. I've already forgotten the name of the song, but I've only just discovered it, and I'm not even joking. I listened to it 11 times in a row. Um, 11 times. And I'll probably listen to it one more time before I get home because it's just really getting me going, and it's just fueled this, you know, this thinking session has been unreal. What's it called? Uh don't, yeah, don't forget to remember me or or make sure you remember me or something like that. Anyway, um that that song is just oh man, I can't describe. Like it's just it's just taken me to another level, and that's why I'm I'm doing this episode right now, because yeah, so there you go. So Blink 182, thank you for writing that song. Um, and uh yeah, it's um I I love how music can just take your places, it's just yeah, it's interesting though, because I I from what I understand listening to songs and being obsessed with like the same song for like a week at a time, I think that's an ADHD sort of thing, and I think it's a bit of an autistic thing as well. Um, but I reckon B P P D is probably in there too, because of the emotional energy that um that I guess I tap into with music and certain songs, but yeah, man, that song is just it's the soundtrack of the drive. It it's it's yeah, unreal. So anyway, that's it. I'm actually turning into my street now. So this is pretty cool. It's been a couple of weeks since I've been home. So it's good to know that once again Elliot is just indestructible. Um, it's 3:30 in the morning, but you know, I I could drive another 10 hours, I don't care, whatever. So, you know, I can't wait to be able to be driving in the state and driving the big rig because there's gonna be a lot of thinking going on. There'll be more episodes like this, let me tell you that right now. Anyway, I've done enough yapping. Um, so yeah, if you're still listening right now, thank you very much. I appreciate it. Um, make sure, before I go, make sure, just a little reminder, please check out um the Instagram page for the show, thisregulated.podcast, um, and dysregulated daily, which is turning into dysregulated weekly, but I'm going to address that in the next episode as well. Um, and you can also find the show on Facebook by searching the dysregulated podcast. And if you're enjoying the show and you think that maybe some mates of yours might get something out of it, by all means please share the show around. And you can reach out to me on those social media platforms as well if you would like um to uh suggest maybe a topic for me to cover. Um, and I will certainly do my best to do it justice. And also once I am able to settle down with my new job, uh the intake interviews are coming back. I swear it's gonna happen, alright? I know it's been stop, start, stop, start, mostly not starting. There's but I'm telling you, there's more interviews coming, and you know, the people I've got lined up, I'm telling you, their stories like blow mine out of the water. My my story's boring compared to theirs. It's it's unbelievable. You know, I just I love hearing people's stories because again, it it taps into um you know the like the depth of of our lives and and everybody's story is so unique and has so much breadth and and significance and yeah, yeah. Anyway, all right, I'm talking too much, I've got to go. Thank you for listening. Um, and as I said, you can contact me on social media uh and I'll do my best to get back to you as soon as I can. Alright, that's enough. Alright, thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time here on what are we on? The Disregulated Podcast. Woo! Elliot's back in new beauty. Now, how do I press stop? There we go.