G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, today's episode, I tell ya, I'm not in the mood. I don't know if you can tell in my voice, but I am a bit flat today. There's not much oomph going on. So today's episode might be a little bit on the monotone monotone that is side. I apologize for that, but that is about as good as I can give right now. So what I want to talk about is something pretty important to most people, and it certainly is to me as well, and that is this idea of love and romance. Now I've already done an episode on this that goes for like an hour and a half, and I'm gonna try and condense it a bit so it's a bit easier to listen to. I'm not sure if I'm in the perfect state to be talking about these sorts of things because, as I said, I am in a bit of a low mood, and that is, I feel, coming across in the way that I'm speaking right now. But at the same time, maybe this is the perfect opportunity to be talking about these things. So, what are these things? Well, more recently I've came to the conclusion that it appears as a 35-year-old who is single, who has no partner, no children, no mortgage, no home of his own, it does appear that maybe some of those things are passing me by. Now I can hear, I can already hear the chorus going, Elliot, you're so young, mate, you're so young, you've got time on your side. Well, no, I'm sorry, I don't believe that. I don't believe there's time on my side at all. I think it's a case of now or never, and because of my lack of self-confidence or lack of self-esteem, whatever you want to call it, I'm choosing to put a hold or put a lid on that side of things, the romantic side of things, and just the focus wholly and solely on my career, hence moving back, hopefully, into the transport industry, hence including and improving upon my mental health advocacy and research efforts, and finding my meaning and purpose through those efforts. Other people may find their meaning and purpose through their partner or through the family that they've created with their partner, you know, their castle, their house, their bit of grass, that they can say that is mine, and I'm gonna look after them, I'll look after all the people that are in it, and that is my meaning and purpose. And let me tell you, that's a great meaning and purpose to have. So don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that that's a load of cods wallop, and I've got better ideas, that's not true, but I do think that maybe I have ideas that are better in keeping with my position, where I am, where I'm going, and some of the circumstances in which I have to contend with. Now, let me think. I'll just clear my throat for this one. I don't know if you guys are aware, but there's quite a few mental health disorders that make up my presentation. Okay? We're talking generalized anxiety disorder, we're talking social anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, attention deficit, hyperactive disorder. Um, what else is there? Autism, spectrum, uh, level one, formerly known as Asperger's. Uh, there is borderline personality disorder, there's possible links to bipolar type two, and I'm sure I've forgotten some because usually I do. Uh, the point of the matter is there is a lot going on within my brain, and it isn't all bad, that's the thing, you know, that's the thing. Not everything going through my brain is a bad thing. In fact, you could make the argument, and I do make this argument pretty strongly, that because of the array of different conditions that my brain has been put under, whether it's from developmental or personality or mood disorders, anxiety disorders, whatever, there is quite a kaleidoscope, let's be honest. And let's also be honest in saying that there have been some great challenges because of it. No question. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that all these disorders make up an amazing special person. Although I'd like to think that I am an amazing special person, but I think a lot of it is despite the fact that I carry these mental health complexities with me, and I'm able to still drive forward and achieve the goals that I want to achieve, even though some days are just so unbelievably difficult. And that's what you would have learned by listening to this podcast that not every day of mine is good, quite a few of them are bad, but the main point I hope that I'm able to get across is that I just keep on trucking. Now, recently I started the dysregulated daily series on Facebook, Instagram, and slowly but surely YouTube as well, which accounts for my day-to-day presentation when it comes to battling these complex mental illnesses. Because that's the thing, right? There is no day off. Okay. I can't stress this point any clearer. There is no day off. Every day is a battle. Some days I win, and that's becoming more and more prevalent, which is great. But there are some days where I lose, and there's some days where I lose badly, really badly. Uh, but that's the thing, you know. I account for all of that here on the podcast, especially now dysregulated daily the video series, because I want everyone to know what it's like for people like me, and that's the thing. It's not just me, you know. This isn't just me. This is so many people, and I think it's very important that people understand that there are people who go through life having to contend with these challenges. That's the thing, you see. I've met a lot of people. I'm very blessed to have met a lot of people, but unfortunately, I've met a lot of these people in some of their darkest moments, whether that be in hospital psychiatric wards, whether that be out on the street, whether that be um, you know, even in school settings when I'm presented to the schools on behalf of the Black Dog Institute, some of the students that I would speak to at the end of the presentations, some absolutely horrific stories, but some unbelievable stories of hope and resilience. And that's the part, excuse me, that I try to really instill. And don't get me wrong, you know, I know my limitations. You know, I'm not God, I'm not Jesus, I'm not gonna just fix people's lives by just clicking my fingers and saying the right sentence, and then all of a sudden everyone just pivots towards the light, and the world is just a happier place with more sunshines and more rainbows than the storm clouds, although I don't mind storm clouds, but still you get the analogy of what I'm saying. The thing is, the thing is, these complex mental health disorders are very common, and yet we don't talk about them. We don't talk about them. So when someone does start talking about them, i.e. me, all of a sudden I'm seen in many ways, I suppose, I'm seen in a positive light, and that's good, but I'm also seen as a bit of an extreme, and some would go as far to say, well, that in itself is a manifestation of, I don't know, borderline personality disorder, let's say, or whatever it is. And you know what, maybe that's true, I don't know, maybe it's true, but I do prefer the opposite, which is where nobody says anything, and we all pretend that everything's hunky-dory until one day somebody does the unthinkable and is driven to do the unthinkable by these mental illnesses, and then people go, hang on, how on earth did that happen? They seem like the happiest person. It's because no one's talking about this stuff. So these things go unnoticed. People don't know what to look for, and even if they know to look for certain things, they don't know how to listen. And a lot of people have this idea that if someone's going to tell them something really drastic about how difficult their life is, that you, the listener, needs to have the answers. And that is wrong. That is wrong. You, the listener, need to be the support. That is your role. You need to support this person 100%. And you know what that usually means in those times of crises? You take the individual up to hospital, you take them to the emergency department, you sit next with them because let me tell you from first-hand experience, sitting in EDs when you've got crippling anxiety and everything else that goes with it is not an enjoyable time at all. It is very lonely, it's very isolating, and in the wrong circumstances, it can actually make things worse. And that's not blaming any physicians or nurses, that's just the way the system is. And the way that we can get around that real isolationist part of the system is by having people there supporting those that need the support. I'll tell you right now, I've been I've been in mental health emergency departments many times, more times than I can count. I've been in psychiatric wards multiple times for weeks at a time. And it is the most lonely, isolating experience that there is. Um, the the first time I was in at James Fletcher for six weeks, I remember friends visited me, I think it was the second week, uh, which was great, you know, and that was it. That was it. No more, no more. Out of sight, out of mind. Now, in saying that, I'm certainly not blaming my friends or support group for not understanding or not being able to help because this was something new to them, although it certainly wasn't anything new to me. And, you know, as a community, we're not very responsive to these events. We don't know how to treat them, we don't even want to look at it face on, so we divert our attention and we tend to say, all right, you spend your time in hospital, you reach out if you need me, even though that's every day. Um, and I'll see you in a couple of weeks and we'll see how things are going. And, you know, the beauty of the longer stay mental health wards, thankfully, uh, in the hunter, are pretty good. It's the short-term acute stuff that's where the real scaries are. But you've got to remember too, the real scaries are because people are in those acute wards because they are acute. We're talking suicidal, they are a danger to themselves, they're a danger to other people. There are people who are in the midst of psychosis, there is lots going on, and it can be a very frightening place. Um, not every time it's been frightening for me personally. There's been times when I've been, I wouldn't say the aggressor, but there was one particular time I remember that I was particularly wound up because I wasn't getting the support that I deserved, and I maintained that until today. And I did an episode on this a little while ago about being the squeaky wheel. And it was true. I went up there and I was ready to start headbutting walls. I was going to punch walls in if I had to, I was going to throw things, I was swearing a lot, which you know, I swear a little bit, but not with the venom that I was swearing at that point. I knowingly said to my BPD demon, listen, listen, mate, I've kept you under wraps because I haven't, you know, I haven't had the opinion that letting you loose is going to cause any long-term benefit. But I'll tell you what, this time, just go for it. Who gives her? Because I'm at my wit's end, and if that don't help this time, that's it. And you know what's disappointing is well, first off, this episode is going nowhere like I thought it was going to. But that's okay. This is just a bit of a recap about the system. Um, but what happened was I actually got listened to, and all the yelling and the banging, and don't worry, I never hurt anybody. I was never going to hurt anybody. Um, the only potential for injury was going to be myself. That was a potential because I can give two rats about my own condition at that point, but I needed a result somehow, and I forced my way into getting a result, thank goodness. But it shouldn't get like that, you know. It shouldn't get like that. And I'm doing an episode very soon. Very soon. It's going to be on a disorder that I actually don't have, but a friend has reached out and would love me to do some research, which I have been doing. Um, and I'm going to present to my friend my findings on a disorder called schizo-affective disorder. Um, so there's a lot of stigma with schizo-affective disorder, and I'm sure you can guess why. The schizo part. Uh, there's a lot of stigma when it comes to borderline personality disorder as well. So one of the first things I did once I had a bit of an understanding, which I already did, but a better, deeper understand uh excuse me, understanding of schizoaffective disorder was like right. Now there's three main, I would say, three main uh disorders that are highly, highly stigmatized. One uh is borderline personality disorder for sure, 100%. Number two, schizophrenia, for sure, definitely. Number three, schizoaffective disorder. So I wanted to compare, and I did compare, the differences between the stigma between both. And I tell you, it's not happy reading. It's not happy reading as somebody who has borderline personality disorder, although I was prepared for that part, but it's also not happy reading um reading about a disorder that, although I personally don't have an affliction with, a very, very good friend of mine does, and I need to come up with a way that shines a better light onto this disorder, because this is the thing, right? When you Google things like borderline personality or schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, you know, psychotic disorders, all that sort of stuff, a lot of it isn't written for the person who's going through it, it's written for the person who's maybe supporting the person going through it. Or it's written for the doctor who's got absolutely no idea what the hell they're doing. So there's a quick fact sheet and then all of a sudden they're an expert. Brilliant. Or the alternative to all of that is there's research and there's quite a bit of research, but a lot of the research has been resorted, sorry, this is true, but the research has been conducted for other researchers so they get published in journals and continue to get grant money. Now, as far as I'm concerned, that helps nobody except the researchers line their pockets. Now, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to cast dispersions like this on every single researcher that there is, because that's not what I want to be doing here, and I hope that's not what it comes across like. But there's no two ways about it. From what I can see, especially with the personality disorders and the particularly complex mood disorders, a lot of the information has been written for publishing in journal articles. Now that's where in many ways it's got to start, but then it needs to be translated into information that can then be brought to clinicians' awareness, and then it's up to the clinicians to then be able to come up with a way to package a message that is empowering, that is helpful, but still realistic for the individual who is afflicted with said disorder. Um, so when I was at uni, I used to see this a lot in that I would, you know, because I was I was lucky, right? I'm at uni, and on one hand, I'm studying psychology because I love psychology and I love human behavior and mental health, that's great. But on the other hand, I'm also a consumer of mental health services. I don't think there was one semester during my time at uni where I didn't end up in the emergency ward at the Martha Hospital when things got too much, you know. So what I'm trying to say is I'm a bloody expert, all right, because on one hand, I could look at all this research and go, okay, this research is supposedly written to help people like me, but I'm not saying it. There's a huge disconnect here. What a complete waste of time this research is. This does not help the mental health consumer. And then on the other hand, as the mental health consumer, I'm thinking, right, what gaps are there that I've identified in the research, in the literature that is not addressing the core needs of these poor, poor individuals, myself being one of them, who are going through such difficult mental turmoil. And I guess that is what I'm trying to do moving forward is to marry those both worlds, you know, bring those both worlds together so we can come up with research that's cutting edge, that's real, it's tangible, it's easily translatable into the clinics and to clinicians, and then translatable again to the person who's actually experiencing the mental health episode. Because that's the thing in Australia right now, one in five people, that's one in five people, that's a fifth of the population in Australia, the lucky country, right now have a clinically significant diagnosable mental health concern. That is huge. You know, for a country whose prosperity is as high, so well, theoretically, our prosperity is as high as it's ever been, for some unknown reason, our services, whether it's state government level, health services or or other services, Commonwealth government included in that. I'm not going to go too much into that right now, because that, let me tell you, really gets me going. And when I've got a little bit more energy, I'll be talking all about the failings of the Western medical system when it comes to mental health, because my goodness, are there plenty of them? Um, now this is the moment again where I have the ADHD and I forget what the hell I was talking about. But what I'm trying to say is, what was I trying to say? How did I start this episode off? I don't know. All I know is today I've been pretty flat, and I think you can tell by the way I'm talking, I've been pretty flat because there's a lot going on in my world at the moment. There's a lot of deep thoughts that I cannot find answers to, and there's a lot of questions about where I'll be and how I'll be doing things in the next. Six to twelve months that also need resolving. So let me tell you the dysregulated daily videos that are coming up, there's more coming, don't worry. Um, I'm very confident that the next few are gonna be, you know, erring on the side of uh negativity, but you know, I don't really care. Who cares? Isn't that the whole point of doing these dysregulated daily videos? It's not just about, hey, look at me, I'm Elliot. I have all these mental illnesses, ooh, but look at me go, my mood's 10, my capacity's 10, you know, you just gotta be like me, I'm unbreakable, blah blah blah. No, that's not true. Elliot is in the midst of a borderline a borderline mental health episode, and the next few days will be very, very interesting to see where things go. So I cannot remember what I started this episode about, but at the same time, I do feel like I've covered quite a few important topics, and they're important topics I'm gonna talk a lot more about very soon, in particular. In particular, so first off, I need to talk about and do a proper episode on skizo affective disorder. That's number one. Number two, I've had another friend reach out uh who would like some information when it comes to ketamine and ez ketamine um nasal injections or sorry, nasal sprays or IV injections. Now, ketamine is something that admittedly I've had ketamine before. Um, and although I tried to mimic uh the mental health properties, I haven't been able to do it successfully. The thing is, see, I I wanted to do ketamine. I've tried to get in ketamine trials before with the Black Dog Institute. Uh, who else was there? The University of Melbourne, I think, was another one. But unfortunately, because I have so many mental health disorders, they didn't want to borrow me because they wouldn't be able to isolate which part of my disorders was being affected by which part of the ketamine module and the ketamine um administration, which I understand, but very frustrating when you're desperate for some sort of coherent, happy thoughts that gets you away from the fire. You know what I mean? Anyway, that's all for tonight. I don't really know. I really don't know what that episode was about. I think it was starting off about love. Maybe that's been on my mind a bit too. So prepare yourselves. There's gonna be an episode basically coming about how I've completely given up on the romantic scene, and I'm now completely pivoting towards career meaning and purpose. I've touched on it lightly before, but there's a big episode coming, and it is going to be it's gonna be no holds barred, let me tell you, because this is a huge, huge shift in my thinking. And it is a shift because as someone who has borderline personality disorder, um, you don't need BPD to think like this, but certainly if you've got BPD, you tend to think like this. I used to fall in love all the time, and it was always falling in love with the narrative, you know. I'd see a nice looking girl walking down the street and I wouldn't be thinking sexual thoughts because you know I'm not some primal beast like that, you know. I've got I've got higher order thinking, you know. I've got high IQ. Well, I don't know if I've got high IQ, but either way, when I would see a nice lass walk down the street, usually I would be seeing wedding bells and marriage and small little blonde-haired children, just like my own, my own blonde hair, that is, not my own children. So, you know, there's a bit to unpack in that because the way in which my approach to females and this, I guess, renewed push to give up in looking for females and to concentrate these energies onto other things, like my meaning and purpose, like what I'm doing in the community, like what I'm doing here on the podcast, and dysregulated daily. These are the things I suppose I'm gonna try to use to sustain me moving forward, because unfortunately, it appears that maybe I've missed the boat. I don't know. Anyway, that's an episode coming up. Obviously, I've got to be in a special mood to be able to do such an episode, but let me tell you, if you can hang on tight, you won't hear many accounts of the human experience as deep as that one. That I can guarantee you. Alright, the voice is about to go. I don't know, I think the meds are starting to hit. It's uh quarter nine, I've got to be up nice and early, 4 a.m. tomorrow. You can imagine how good that's gonna be for my mental health. Holy duly, send all your prayers, cross your toes and fingers, whatever you gotta do. Hopefully, Elliot gets through. Okay. Anyway, you'll hear all about it tomorrow. I'll talk to you soon. So yeah, before I go, just remember disregulate it daily, it's on Instagram, it's on Facebook, and it is slowly but surely getting on YouTube as well. That is cutting edge lived experience in real time. There is no secrets here. You guys know that I'm committed to the principle, to the ethic, to the moral, uh, the moral, I guess, contract that I have with you guys that I will give you the most insightful, raw, genuine, and fed income look at what it's like with mental illness. And that, my friends, is exactly what I'm doing. Alright, thank you for listening. That one labored along a bit because uh I don't know, I guess I'm laboring along a bit, but you know, in its own way, I think the way in which I've been very slow and methodical about this episode uh says a little bit about what my headspace is like at the moment. All right, thank you everybody. As always, thank you for listening. If you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating, and you can share it around with your mates, whether that's dysregulated daily on Instagram at the Disregulated Dot Podcast or on Facebook by searching the Disregulated Podcast. All right, see you next time. Goodbye.