G'day everybody, my name is Ellie Waters and you're listening to the Disregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, before we get into the episode proper today, I just want to tell you about something really, really important, and that is dysregulated daily. So if you don't know what dysregulated daily is about, I'm telling you, you gotta get involved because it's unreal content. So it is a video series by me where I check in every day and tell you how things are going as far as living with complex mental illness is concerned. So some days are good, some days are not so good, and I'll tell you all about it on this video series, Disregulated Daily. It is my mental health journal. Now to find Disregulated Daily, you've got to go onto Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube. Find the Dysregulated Podcast on those platforms, and then you will find me and my beautiful face that's made for podcasting audio only, where I tell you all about how things are going for me that day in that moment. So it is lived and living experience of mental illness in real time. So that's dysregulated daily. Find it on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube by searching the dysregulated podcast. Alright, today's episode is important because during the week I was asked the question about how it is that I, and this is, well, before I get into it, this is related, right, to dysregulated daily. This is what I mean, it's unreal. So I did a video during the week of me going grocery shopping. And if you've watched the video series, you would know already that me going grocery shopping is a bit of a big deal, and I'm not exactly comfortable with it. And the reasons, well, there's a few reasons, but the main reason, or at least one of, is the fact that there's too many people hanging around, you know, getting all up in my personal space, looking at me and obviously negatively judging me, even though logically I know no one actually really cares that much about what everyone else is doing. Everyone's too focused on themselves. But that doesn't matter. I have this feeling, this perception that everyone's looking at me and they're out to get me. And it makes grocery shopping quite difficult because there's a lot of people there, you know. So it's a lot of people I've got to try and low-key keep an eye on to ensure that there's no danger coming my way. Right? So that's, you know, that's a well-established fact of my life and it has been forever. And look, I just got to get on with it because it ain't gonna change. I know that, you know. Unfortunately, life dictates that you've got to do things sometimes that you don't really want to do, but it's for the greater good. And Elliot needs to eat to stay alive. So me putting up with the faces of people looking at me and judging me negatively, I have to just put up with that and carry it as a burden that I have to carry, and I know I do, because man's got to eat, and eat I must. All right, but the question that wasn't the question, right? So that's the established fact that I've made quite clear so far in the dysregulated daily videos. Um, but that wasn't the question. The question was, all right, Elliot, riddle me this. How come it is that you hate being in big crowds with people? And you know, you have this perception, everyone's out to get you, or they're all ripping it off behind your back, and yet you are so well known for being the biggest. Some of this is my words, but still you get the gist, alright? It's it's all true. You are the biggest Newcastle Knights supporter the world has ever seen. So for those that don't know, the Newcastle Knights is the local rugby league football team here in Newcastle, the mighty Knights, and yes, I bleed red and blue. I love the Newcastle Knights because they represent God's country, the greatest city on earth, Newcastle, New South Wales, Australia. Anyway, so Elliot, you're a big Newcastle Knights fan. You're well known for going to all the games, taking a big banner with you, the Pride of the Hunter banner. That's right, it's not so much that I'm famous for going to the Knights games, it's my banner's famous, and you know what? I'm alright with that. Anyway, how is it that you're able to go to Knights Games and enjoy it when you hate being amongst people? So that was the question that was posed to me during the week. And it's a very valid question because, on the face of things, it doesn't make sense because I do love going to McDonald Jones Stadium with 35,000 other Novicastrians, cheering on the Newcastle Knights, going horse, making a big show and dancing the stands, you know, and you know, starting chants and, you know, getting all, you know, blowing up at opposition supporters and at referees that are not giving the knights the rub of the green, you know, or at least giving us some of the 50-50s, you know, the opposition, they're offside. Listen to me, all right? They are offside. Anyway, so the question, like I said, was how come I can handle and enjoy that uh when I don't like grocery shopping? Because, yeah, like you would think, you know, 35,000 people in a stadium would be in many ways worse than the grocery shopping. Um, and you know, it's not as simple as, oh, well, I love watching rugby league and I love watching the footy, so you know, I just do it. Like it's it's a bit more to that because this is the thing. You know, people don't see the games, for example, when I don't go. All right. So most games I get to, but not all. And there's times and have been times over the years where I've been watching the night's game um from my room on my phone, watching on T well, not on TV, it's on my phone, but you know, watching it um on video on my phone while the game I look out my window uh when I lived back in Mayfield back a couple of years ago, I can see this I could see the stadium from my room. And there were times when I could see the stadium, the lights are on, I can see the crowd just um and I'm watching it in bed uh on my phone. And that's because sometimes the social anxiety, um, or whatever you want to call it, the social phobia perhaps does get the better of me, and I'm not able to go to the games as I would like to. Now that doesn't, well, it hasn't happened as much in more recent years, but there have been years where I've missed more games than I've gone to. Um, and purely because I just cannot handle dealing with people. Um, because as we know, I've said it a lot on this podcast, and I'll say it a lot more down the track because this is a big part of my life. Um, you know, social interactions, whether it's the type that are like an intimate, I guess, for the use of a better word, interaction where I'm talking one-on-one with somebody, or if I'm just in the company of thousands of people, even though they're not talking to me. The fact of the matter is, all those interactions, those scenarios, are very taxing for me and my nervous system and my social capacity, you know. I struggle to be able to just take on all this social um perception input, perceptual input, I suppose, because I am hyper-vigilant. So I am constantly scanning and looking for threat. And if you're doing that constantly and you're around a lot of people, that gets very tiring. If you're doing it one-on-one with someone you're not really comfortable with, um and you're really focusing on this person, what you're saying, what they're saying, that's also really taxing. Now, social capacity for me, I always think of it like a battery and it does recharge. And I would say, you know, when I go to sleep, it would recharge. When I spend time on my own, which I try to do quite a lot of, it recharges. Um, and you know, most of the time, thankfully, uh, I've been able to go to games because my social capacity battery is in um, you know, it's in it's in reasonable shape, and I'm able to absorb the uh the social pressure and energy that I've got to expel to go. Um now the thing is, uh this doesn't always happen. So um this is why working, for example, where I do at Bunnings, which I love Bunnings, and I would never rubbish them because Bunnings have been so, so helpful to me over the years. I think I've said this a few times, and I still will because they have been. Um but don't get me wrong, it's a tough gig for someone who's got autism, especially the autism that comes with a lot of social anxiety as well. Um, so it's really difficult because it's constant interactions with people. There's bright lights, there's bright noises, and often it just gets too much, and I tend to crumble a little bit. And football games at the stadium is sort of similar, you know, there's heaps of noise, there's heaps of lights, there's lots of perceptual, you know, stimuli that I'm taking in. Um, and sometimes it gets too much, and sometimes just the thought of it is too much, and then I don't get to the games. All right, so, but that's not as simple as it sounds. It's not just about, okay, is my social battery got enough in it to be able to handle this? Because I love going to the nights, right? So I'm able to tap into another reserve of energy, you could say, that allows me to overcome my social limitations if my capacity battery is on low. And that is pure red-hot fire in the belly, passion and inspiration, motivation, and dedication to the Newcastle Knights and the city of Newcastle. All right. So I am autistic, okay? Can you tell? And one of my fixations, one of my, you know, my obsessions is the Newcastle Knights and the City of Newcastle. So I'm able to go above and beyond often my social capacity limitations because I override all the anxiety with just pure emotion of wanting the team to win, wanting to feel the exhilaration of beating a Sydney team or beating a Queensland team, you know, going to the game, getting into it, going horse, giving that everything I've got in the stands, and just being so unbelievably passionate that it is the reason why I am, in my opinion, the number one Newcastle Knights supporter there is. Okay? So I just absolutely, you know, like even now, I don't know if you can tell by the way I'm talking, but man, I love the Knights and I love it when the Newcastle chant goes up, you know, Newcastle, Newcastle, you know, I watch videos all the time of the 97 grand final, and I love it, you know. I love the patriotism of this city, and I love the team and the club because of what they represent, which is the greatest place on earth, Newcastle and the Hunter. And you can hear it, you know. I'm not putting this on. This is, and people that know me, uh, and and dysregulated daily, because the NRL season's coming soon. Dysregulated Daily is going to have a lot of stuff about the footy. So prepare yourself, all right. This is just a little insight, a little introduction. This is nothing, trust me. But but by the way, there's I've done episodes on this exact topic before. Um, uh, so if you want to search, what was it? Uh I think tackling social anxiety prior to the hunter or something like that is the episode. Absolute cracker, highly recommend it. But anyway, um that's that's what I am able to do, right? So I'm able to rise above the my social limitations often, most of the time, and I'm able to go and just get into it. But this is the thing. This is the thing, right? This is what makes it complicated. Because although I'm able to channel this red-hot emotion, you know, maybe I'm channeling it from some of my borderline personality reserves of emotion, which hopefully I am because I'm taking away from the negative and putting it into a positive, you know, positive space. Um, dunno, but wherever I'm getting it from, it is able to overpower the anxiety, but it doesn't get rid of the anxiety. And this is why it's so hard. Because I will be walking right into the stadium and I'll be freaking out, okay? Freaking out because there's too many people, and usually I'm late because of, I don't know, poor executive dysfunction. So I'm late all the time. It's about to kick off, which means there's already 30,000 people in the stadium, and I've got to find somewhere to sit with my banner, and I'll talk more about that in a minute. Um, find a place to sit, and then I'm catastrophizing, right? So already I'm, you know, hyper aroused because one, it's the bloody nights. Let's get into it, boys and girls. I love the women's team as well, the NRLW. Um, you know, so let's go Newcastle, come on, newy, but I'm also hyper aroused because I'm catastrophizing. Because I'm seeing myself walking in there and not being able to get a seat. I'm seeing myself walk in there and I don't know, just things, and I don't even consciously think sometimes what it is, but things going wrong. And in previous years, I've actually bought tickets like memberships. I'm obviously a Knights member, um, but I just get the general admission membership because I got no money, as you guys would be aware. Um, but in years gone by when I've had a little bit more money, I guess, not really. Anyway, anyway, um, I have bought seasoned tickets in the Andrew John stand, for example, in a seat that is my seat for the year, purely and simply to try and avoid the stress and the catastrophizing that I go through when I'm running late, which is most of the time, um, by having my seat. It's already in my name, it's pre-booked, no one's allowed to sit in it. But then, of course, what I found was that I'd walk in and instead of being all relaxed, because I'm like, it's all right, Elliot, you've got your seat, you know, it's already reserved. It's reserved all season, no worries, no dramas. Then I would catastrophise that there'd be somebody sitting in it, and then I would have to have that unbelievably awkward social interaction of saying, listen, Bucko, you're in my seat, you gotta move, mate. It's my seat. And of course, when I catastrophise about this, I imagine some big, massive dude, real angry guy sitting in that seat. Or a woman, a lady who is just like, man, man, man, just like screw, you know, just think of the worst of it could be. That's what I'm thinking, you know. There's a couple there, they're both aggressive, they refuse to move, and I'm just standing there like an idiot. Then people start yelling, sit down, you idiot! Sit down, you clown, because you know, the game's already started because I'm running late and people won't get out of my seat. And I'm standing there like an idiot holding my banner, really embarrassed now, wishing I didn't have it with me. I'll talk more about that in a minute, and just stand there going, well, where do I sit? And then awkwardly sitting on like one of the steps in the aisle, and then everyone laughing and being like, ah, look at this loser, what a wuss, you know, you suck, you suck, man, you suck, you're a loser, you know, and that's what I catastrophise about. That there's gonna be some, excuse me, some sort of confrontation, some sort of really difficult and traumatic social interaction, which I would argue in that moment any social interaction is. Um, but you know what I mean? That's what I'm thinking. Holy dooley, this is gonna end badly. And sometimes I don't even get to the stadium and I'm already catastrophizing this much that I don't go at all. Just to avoid this potential scenario, which has never happened, I don't think. I don't think it's ever happened before. Um, but that's what happens. I get so freaked out. It's not even so much in this case, you know, it's not so much a social. I know I said about social capacity before, and it's true, but it isn't really the main driver here. It's the anxiety of catastrophization that's the biggest problem. So don't get me wrong, a low social capacity battery then gives the, I guess, the flaw to the catastrophizing um imagery to take shape, you know. So if I've got a full social capacity battery, which isn't that much different to being empty anyway, but if it's full, you know, usually I don't catastrophise that much. But if my defenses are down because I've got nothing left socially, then all of a sudden the catastrophizing comes in, it's all socially based and it's all about confrontation because remember, my amygdala is dialed up way too high. So I'm always hyper-vigilant looking for things or people that may cause me harm. And then on top of that, you've got to remember when I zoom out from this potential confrontation with this man or woman or the couple that are in my seats, then I remember, hang on, I'm also, you know, once I get that catastrophe sort of sorted, then I remember that, oh wow, there's 35,000 people around me right now. Holy dooly, I better watch out what's going on. So it's not easy. It's not easy. Um, it's just purely and simply because I love the Newcastle Knights and I love the city and the region, and I love being a Novocastrian, is the reason why I'm able to go. In many ways, I said this to my friend who asked this question during the week. I said, you know, there's games where I don't enjoy it at all, and it and we win, you know, we win. And everyone's like, Elia, why aren't you more pumped up? You know, that was a great win. And I'll just, you know, I don't know, I'm just feeling a bit off. And it's because the experience has just taken it completely out of me. Um, and it does, you know, I go through a lot of emotions watching the Newcastle Knights play. And unfortunately, if you know the fortunes of the club, uh, most of the time it's negative emotion. And but it is difficult. It's a tough environment to be in. Um, and I have to get myself so revved up to go that eventually I do have that, you know, that whiplash effect often after games where I'm just completely spent. And, you know, I go to away games as well, and in these away games, you know, um I'm very loud and passionate, but I am in enemy territory, you know, and at times it's there have been some almost confrontations, and it depends. See, if I'm revved up enough and I'm and I'm like, nah, Newcastle's number one, and I'm in Sydney against, say, the Sydney Roosters, and I'm just like, nah, shitney sucks, you know, all this stuff. We're God's country, this place is a is a heap, you know what I mean? This is a hole. Um, you know, I can get so into it that I can suspend well, not quite, because I'm always so jittery, especially at away games. Even if I'm enjoying it and I'm in a bit of banter with the opposition supporters and stuff, I'm still super hyper-vigilant and really jittery and got the adrenaline running. Um, but if things are sort of going my way, I'm in a good headspace, I can use that adrenaline for good, which is to tell the referee that the opposition are offside, uh, and to have a bit of banter with the opposition supporters and spread the good word of how great Newcastle is. Um, but there have been times where I've been feeling good, then all of a sudden the switch comes and the whiplash effect happens at say half time. And the second half of the game, I'm just a bit of a husk, a bit of a shell. Uh, and yeah, it can be very, very difficult. So most of the time I can get the games, but it's stressful. Usually, as I'm walking in, always I'm stressed, I'm nervous, I'm anxious. Um, when I'm sitting in the ground, you know, I don't relax until I'm finally in my spot, you know, and I can relax because all right, I didn't miss kickoff. I'm sitting with my friend Jess. Hello, Jess, if you're listening. Big season coming up, mate. Get ready. Um, you know, sitting there, and then it's like, all right, all right, I'm in my spot, I'm watching the game, everything's going all right, you know, it's all good. Now let's give it to the opposition, let's absolutely go for it, and that I do. Uh, the other thing now, the banner, the banner, I want to talk about the banner quickly. So I, as I said at the start of the episode, for those that don't know, I am a little bit infamous, I would say, at Newcastle Knights games for my passion for the club and the city. Um, but mostly I'm known, or at least it's not even me that's known, it's my banner, right? The pride of the hunter. So I've been on TV heaps of times, it's been in the newspaper, it's been on different, you know, news outlets, rugby league pages. The Newcastle Knights have featured me a few times on a few different things. I was in the Knights calendar one year, true story. Uh again, though, when I say me, often these pictures are basically me cropped out and it's just the banner, but that's okay. I don't mind. That's all good. Um, but the banner, I love the fact that I take the banner of the games. I do. It's such a great extension of my passion because I do believe the Newcastle Knights are the pride of the Hunter region, and I am a very proud member of the Hunter, and I love as of Said already on this episode how I love promoting the fact that Newcastle and the Hunter is God's country. So the banner's great, you know. I go to opposition away games and I'll walk into the stadium when I'm feeling good and when I'm really doled up. The banner's up and I'm just like, you know, Sydney shidney sucks. Newcastle, Newcastle, you know, like it's unreal. And everyone loves it, you know. People love it because it's it is a show of the passion that I have. You know, people look for it on TV when they're watching the games on TV. People look for it at the ground, you know. Um, I've had people come up and want to take photos with the banner, not me, the banner. Um, you know, like it's great and I love it. I love it because it is like an ex at that next level of support for the team, you know. And I know the players like it too, you know. The players have mentioned the banner as well and the fact that I follow them around and, you know, nothing weird or anything. Boundaries, Elliot, boundaries. Um, but yeah, so the Pride of the Hunter banner, you know, I've had it now since it debuted in 2013, 2013, a long, what's that, 13 years ago? And it was funnily enough, it was in a preliminary semi-final against the Sydney Roosters at the Sydney football stadium. There were busloads of Newcastle Knights supporters. I was there, I debuted the banner for the first time. You know, I was getting all the chance gone. It was amazing. It was unreal, except for the fact that we got beaten and we got beaten pretty easily. But that doesn't matter. I walked out horse, I had my new banner, it went over a treat and it got on TV and it got in the newspaper. So straight away I'm like, hey, I think I should stick with this banner thing. This is good. And it was, you know, it's it made me feel like you know I was commanding in some ways the supporter base, and it was invigorating, you know, unreal. So the Pride of the Hunter banner. But this is the thing, right? Everyone is like, oh mate, you must love taking the banner, and the banner must be so great, it's so good that you do it, you know. People don't understand, maybe they will now, but people don't understand that the banner causes me so much stress. So much, so much stress. Because every time I take it, first off, I think as I'm walking in, right? In between catastrophizing about people sitting where I want to sit or not being able to get a spot, missing the kickoff. A lot of the time I'm walking in thinking, everyone's looking at me and thinking, who is this weird autistic guy with his banner? What an absolute loser. Now, I'm not saying people with autism are losers, but I am saying that's what I think about myself when I walk in with the banner. Because not, you know, not everyone does this sort of stuff. It does, I guess, differentiate me from other people, which is great. And it is great, but my inner critic, you know, or those negative schemers like to jump in and try and turn something good into something bad. That's what they do about everything, and this is no different. So I walk in there and I'm thinking that I look like a loser. Everyone's laughing at me and thinking, how weird is this guy? This is why he's single. And um that's not true because I've had my I've had different relationships while having the banner. Everyone loves the banner. Um, but then the other thing I stress about heaps is when I'm sitting there, that when I put the banner up, someone's gonna yell out from behind, Oi, idiot, put your banner down, mate. I'm trying to watch the game, you know, and I'm very selective about when I put it up. It's gotta be when something good happens for starters. So if the knights run out at the start of the game or after half time, if we win, if we score points, that sort of stuff. Um, if we score a try, etc. Um, and I try not to block people's view, and I'll be honest with you, I've only ever been heckled once, and that was someone that I work with who was doing it as a joke. But I remember my heart sunk, and I was like, oh no, this is the moment I've been I've been waiting for for years. It's finally happened, this is it, the banner's gone, and it was a joke anyway. But that's another thing. I'll be during the game, we'll score, put the banner up, and then I'll get this like anxiety attack happens every single time. Someone's gonna be pissed off that I've got this banner up, and they're gonna be thinking this weirdo, if he doesn't put his banner down, I'm gonna punch the bloke. That's what I think, you know? And then it turns into this fear of confrontation, and then all the social stuff gets kicked up again when really I should be enjoying the fact the knights scored. So that's the answer, I think, to the question. How can I go to night's games even though all this social anxiety stuff's going on? Um, and that it's the way I do it is by pushing beyond my limitations, by harnessing all the inspiration, all the red-hot emotion that I can get, passion that I can get, which is easy to come by when it comes to me in the Newcastle Knights. Um, I harness all that to overcome the social limitations that I'm dealing with. But that doesn't mean that I love going to the games and every moment I enjoy, because it's not true. Every time I go to a game, it is riddled with anxiety. My whole life is, let's be honest. Anxiety, it's everywhere for me. I can't do anything about it. Well, well, sorry, no, that's not true. That's not true. I can do something about it. I mean, I can't negate it completely. It's just, you know, at this point, it's just a part of my wiring, and I've got to sort of push on from that. But that's what I do. I push through it because I don't want to be held back by this social anxiety, because if I am, then it emboldens the social anxiety in those negative schemas, and then it's harder to then push back against it. And I get so depressed when I don't go to a night's game because one, I know that the social anxiety has, I guess, beaten me. But two, I know that, you know, if I'm living a life that I want to live and doing the things that I want to do, I go to nights games. There's no two ways about it. That's that's the Elliott way, that's what I want to do, that's what I should be doing. So when I don't do that, I get depressed because it's like, man, what's going on? You know, this isn't part of our blueprint of life. So, so that's the story. I overcome those issues with pure passion. And I must say again, too, that sometimes I don't get the games. You know, two, three years ago, maybe I actually missed more home games than games I actually went to because I was not in control of my social anxiety and everything that flows on from that. So, you know, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Um, but at the same time, I usually now am pretty consistent with getting to the games and I go to away games as well. But make no mistake, it doesn't matter the result, it doesn't matter if I'm there early, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It's still an event that provokes lots of anxiety by virtue of the fact that there's 35,000 people around me, which is difficult for me. The fact that um, you know, anxiety for me is always there, but it's amplified when I feel as though there's potential threat around me. And and in a stadium, there's 35,000 potential areas of threat, so I'm hyper-vigilant, so my nervous system's up, the adrenaline's going as well because I'm excited about the game and I've got the passion going, but then that can overflow into anxiety, you know. So that's the story. So when you see me at night's games with the banner and looking all happy if we've won, oh geez, I hope there's more of that this year. Um, but the fact of the matter is, make no mistake, it's not an easy thing for me to do. And sometimes it's it is very, very difficult. Very difficult. It's got nothing to do with the result. Very difficult. Um, but like I said, I know that the nights and Newcastle is part of my DNA. Literally, I've got the hunter pumping through my veins. Elliot should be at nights games. That's what I was born to do. It's in my DNA, you know. So if I don't go, um, yes, I'm, I guess, lowering my anxiety somewhat, but then those sort of depressive thoughts kick in big time because it's like, Elliot, this isn't good. This isn't what we should be doing. We should be there. We should be cheering on the team. We should be telling the referee that they're offside, all right? Because someone has to, because he ain't listening, because he ain't blowing penalties for the knights and he should be. So, Elliot, get to the game and yell out and give it everything you've got and let that referee know that the opposition are offside, okay? And that's what I do, and that's why I've done episodes after nights games before, and I'm talking like this. Because I give it everything, because I've dialed up that passion to get there. And then once it's dialed up, man, hey, just watch out. They reckon I'm more entertaining than the game itself, you know. Like, come on, Pride of the Hunter, baby, that's what it's all about. All right, thank you everybody for listening. I enjoyed that one. That was uh that was really good. Um, as I said at the start of the episode, though, dysregulated daily, all right? I highly, highly recommend it. I'm telling you, it's great content. So search the dysregulated podcasts on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube, and you'll find Dysregulated Daily, which is my mental health journal where I tell you every day how I am going with my lived and living experience of complex mental illness. Because this is all part of my promise to you to give you the most insightful, honest, genuine, vulnerable, and fair income look at mental health. That is the promise that I have given you guys on multiple occasions. And I'm telling you, Dysregulated Daily is taking all of that to the next level. All right, thank you for listening, everybody. I do appreciate it, and I'll see you next time here on the Dysregulated Podcast.