G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Disc Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. All right, today's episode, this one, this is going to be special. All right. So, first off, I'm one location. You might be able to hear a bit of noise in the background from where I'm recording. That's because I'm at the beach. So I'm at Bar Beach here in Newcastle for those that know the area. I'm actually just around the corner on the rocks, which is a great spot to be. It is a little bit, I guess, dangerous when it's 10 o'clock at night, like it is right now. But it's a beautiful evening. It's still like 30 degrees. And I just had this feeling, you know, I wanted to go back to one of those spots where I've done so much deep thinking and I want to see what can come up and what I can get out of my memories of being here and all questions about life that I've asked. So I am sitting on the rocks. The tide, it appears, is coming in. So I've got to keep an eye on that. And the waves may get louder as they get closer. Like just then. Anyway, this is all part of the fun, you know. This is exciting. Um, but this is what I used to do quite a lot. Um, I used to do this a lot, in particular when I was in relationships, in particular, again, even more so when the relationships were starting to go south, when things were not going well, when the writing was on the wall, and I knew that I was in dangerous territory and the relationship was as well. And unfortunately, often it was me sitting here with that truth and having to deal with that reality and also understanding that there's this pattern that seems to have kept going around and around, you know, especially in my later relationships. Um, you know, I'd be sitting here thinking, my goodness, this has happened again. How is this happening again? And I can tell you why. I know now. I didn't know then, but I do now. Uh, and it's called uh a little something called borderline personality disorder, BPF and D. All right, BPD. And it all makes sense now, but this is the thing, see, I've never really been in a relationship since I've had the insight and the awareness of what's going on, except for maybe the last relationship. Um, I did identify that the pattern was starting to fire up again, and unfortunately, I couldn't do anything to stop it. Um, but a lot of the times it'd be late at night, often it'd be after I finished work at the Cambridge Hotel nightclub. So I used to finish at like 3 a.m. or something, and you know, the the world was asleep as far as I was concerned. So that meant that I could relax and I'd go to the beach, there'd be no one here, uh, and I'd have some pretty deep thoughts and I'd be asking questions, you know, looking up to the heavens and saying, and literally I would, saying, what the hell is going on? Please help me, please. Um, so yeah, the the memories here, yeah. Well, I guess they're bittersweet. I don't know. I guess they're not necessarily happy memories, but I do look back and think, man, you know, like that's as as much as it was painful and it hurts so much, that was that was real life, you know, that was living. Not on the positive side of things, but you know, I look back and think, yeah, that right there is lived experience, you know, going to the beach on your own and just thinking about how to save another relationship with another amazing person who does not deserve to be dragged down into the pits of B Ped hell, but unfortunately that's what that's what has happened every time. Um, and especially later on when I knew that this pattern was was you know a thing. That's like, as I said, this is happening again. It was just desperation often. I'd be sitting here just desperate to come up with some sort of plan, some sort of way to get out of this headspace and get into a healthy headspace and save the relationship. Now, unfortunately, um, well, if you're not aware, I am single, I am single, uh, and it doesn't look like that's going to be changing anytime soon, which is unfortunate because, yeah, you know, like I've got insights now into my, I don't want to say condition, but you know, this pattern, this borderline personality issue, you know, I've got a lot of insight in it now, done a lot of work to nullify its effects. You know, it's there's still it's moments, don't get me wrong. BPD is a pervasive disorder, and there's many facets to it, and you know, I've just got to deal with it as best as I can. But, you know, the truth of the matter is that I am able to deal with it a lot better. And, you know, I sit here right now and you know, I've done all this therapy, I've tried all the medications, and some are working, although not really, but you know, a little bit, and you know, I'm in a much better position now if I was to enter a relationship. And unfortunately, ever since I've done the work, I I have been nowhere near getting in a relationship again. So I don't know, I don't know what that means. Um, you know, I'm just sort of rolling with it, that's okay. Um, but yeah, it it is it is a bit, well, it's more than frustrating, but it is frustrating. Um, you know, I I didn't do all the work in therapy, for example, to get in a relationship again. Like I wasn't doing it thinking of a future relationship, because I don't I don't have that sort of confidence, you know. I don't I I don't necessarily believe that life is going to just bestow that upon me. So that wasn't my motivation in therapy. But at the same time, you know, I I do think, I certainly do now, but even back then, when this was all being sort of pulled apart and I was figuring out what the hell was going on and how to try and, you know, come up with some actions to be able to, to be able to, as I said, nullify the the most severe parts of the disorder. Um I, you know, I did sort of have the back in my mind, in the back of my mind, that, you know, if if the opportunity was to come up again, um, I think, you know, I'm confident that things would be different this time. That's what I used to think. Um and that's because the therapy and stuff was working. But unfortunately, I'm sitting here on my own, there's no one next to me, as far as I can tell. It is very dark. I don't know. If people are listening, if people are listening right now, listen to the podcast, all right? Give me, give me the downloads. Anyway, anyway. So, yes, so a lot of the times I would be here thinking about how on earth can I save this relationship. And that's the thing, you know, I'd be sitting here with a lot of guilt, um, lots of guilt, because, you know, every girlfriend, partner that I've had, and you know, but there's been a couple of tries. But, you know, if if any of you are listening, like you were all great people. Um, and the last thing I ever wanted was there to be any negativity at all in your life, as far as I could control it, but certainly not from me. Uh, and I knew that I was unfortunately dragging, you know, dragging people into the BPD hell uh with me, which unfortunately is such a classic sign of BPD. This is the thing with borderline personality, right? This is why, well, this there's a lot of reasons why it's so, it can be so devastating, but it is the disorder that affects the people around the individual who's got it the most. So it's the people that you care about that get hurt the most by BPD, along with yourself. But it's that guilt and shame knowing that you're hurting the people you care about, um, but also knowing that you don't have an answer to what's going on, and it's sort of, you know, you're just going along for the ride. It's it's a it's a terrible, terrible disorder, and the guilt and shame that comes with it, um it's just it's just horrendous. Uh like I couldn't pick what's the worst part of BPD, because I'll tell you, it's all it's all pretty horrific. Um, in saying that though, very quickly, uh, it is treated. The DBT dialectical behavior therapy, which is the gold standard for BPD, does work very effectively. So I just want to say that that this isn't, it's not like there's no hope here for people suffering from borderline personality disorder, because that is not true, actually. It is by far when out of the personality disorders, the it has the best prognosis if therapy is engaged with. So there you go. I just want to say that. Um, but until you know you have the tools and and a bit of insight into these things, you just don't know what's going on. But all you know is that you're not trusting of your partner. Um, there's these red-hot emotions going on, and often it's dysregulated again. That's why I call this the dysregulated podcast. You know, classic BPDs you go from absolutely loving this person, like idealizing this person, to then almost complete hatred. And unfortunately, you tend to let them know about the hatred. And a big part of it is attachment issues. And, you know, I don't want to waffle on too long and get off sort of track here, but B Ped's got so many facets to it. Um, I I have done an episode on borderline personality disorder, but I feel like I could do an updated version, um, and I may do that. Um, but uh yeah, again, my okay, my ADH is kicking out. I can't remember what I was saying. But yeah, B per D, um it's very difficult for the people around the individual who's got it. And unfortunately, a hallmark of the disorder is um stormy relationships. So, like I said, going from absolutely idealizing somebody to then almost overnight a flick of the switch, um, and then just all this negative emotion and distrust. And you know, accusations of things like cheating, for example, is common. That comes with it, and unfortunately, that's happened with me too. So I thought uh that each of my girlfriends would cheat on me if they hadn't already. And the reasons for that was because I am faulty and not worthy of this love, like uh, you know, and and so the way the BPD was telling me was like, look, you know, you're defective, mate. You're defective, right? She ain't want to be with you. You're too weird, you're not good looking enough, you know, you're you're not, I don't know, manly enough, for example, like all these things, everything, you know, all of the insecurities are just amplified by this disorder. Uh, and then you start to believe that, okay, you know, this is what's gonna happen. And the big one, and this is what used to frustrate me the most, you know, I'd be sitting here thinking how, you know, they're gonna leave me because of all the things I just mentioned. You know, if they don't cheat on me, they're just gonna leave anyway. Yeah, you know, they're gonna flick this switch, and I'll get back to flicking the switch because that's important. They're gonna flick this switch and they're gonna be gone and they're out. And the thing is, with BPD, there's this phenomena of self-fulfilling prophecies, you know? So what happens is unfortunately, our partner does leave because the relationship breaks down. And that is because of all these distrust and all these accusations and all these tests that you put the person through and just all the rest of what comes with complex mental illness. Um, you know, there's so much stress on the relationships that look, you know, like I don't begrudge any of my ex-girlfriends from, you know, when we're broken up and stuff, I get it 100%, you know. Like in a lot of ways, I support their decision. But the thing is though, this is where BPD gets in. It gets its talons in and it just rips and tears. Because the BPD says when the relationship breaks down, it says, look, I told you right from the start, Elliot, I bloody told you they were gonna leave, all right? Because you're not this, you're not that, and you're this, this, and this, and no one wants that. And then you start, you know, and without the insight and therapy, for example, you know, if you don't have the insight, you believe what the BPD is saying. Of course you do, you know, because they're it's right. They did leave. It's 100% bang on. Like, I can't fault the logic here. Although I can, because of course, the reason that they left is because the relationship broke down. It's not so much that they just took off, it's the relationship broke down, and that was because of the, unfortunately, the manifestations of borderline personality disorder in my case and the other, you know, mental health disorders that I have as well. Don't get me wrong, they played their part too. OCD, big part, you know. A C D and B PD love to team up. I've done an episode on that, if you want to go back. The what do I call it? The B Ped, OCD, and depression model, I think it was. Groundbreaking stuff. Seriously, yeah, it's a good episode. Um, but in all seriousness, though, like, um it's it's the manifestation of the disorder which causes the relationship breakdown. And it is B PD's fault if we're gonna continue with this, you know, I like to personify, I guess, uh, these mental health disorders. It's a a way for me to, I guess, be able to understand and and you know have a have a handle on what these disorders do if I sort of make them more personable. Um, and this this BPD uh is the cause of these relationship breakdowns. That's the bit that it forgets to say, you know, that fails to tell you. But that's the bit that can only really be uncovered in, say, therapy or, you know, whatever way, it could be, you know, silent retreats or meditations, could be whatever, you know. Um, some people would come to the realization uh on their own. Uh I I basically did from sitting here right where I'm right now and and listening to sad music and looking up at the gods going, what the hell's going on? And I sort of figured it out. But then it was therapy that that solidified my belief in what I was thinking, which was important. Um, so but that's the thing. It's the borderline personality disorders, these mental health disorders that cause the breakdown. It's not, you know, I looking back now, I I'd like to think, and I I do believe this mostly that, you know, I don't blame myself for what happened because even at its worst points when I'm throwing all these accusations at my trusting and faithful girlfriends, and they're just saying, what is this guy on about? Like, I've never shown any signs of doing anything like that. And they never did, and they never would, because they're all amazing. That's why I was with them, you know, or else I wouldn't have been with them. Um, very high standards. Can you believe it? Um, but oh, I forgot what I was saying again. Come on, Elliot. Come on, HD brain. Come on, we can do this. Um uh oh yes, yes. I don't I don't completely blame myself for this because, like I said, the last thing I wanted was for that outcome. That's the last thing I wanted. Uh, and I did everything in my power that I was able to at that time, in those moments. And unfortunately, there wasn't much I could do because I I was I had I I did not have a a grapple or a grasp on this at all. Like, like until the last relationship, um like I didn't even know what BPD was, you know what I mean? Like that's what we're dealing with here. It's it's very hard, you see, to be able to combat something when you don't even know it exists, you know, like that that makes sense. And it's true with mental health and mental illnesses, you know, that's why knowledge is so important and insight is so important because you need to know what's going on, so then you can fix it, you know? And and yeah, external sources like therapists and friends and family can certainly help with that as well. But you know, and what I've found is that most people and myself, I I definitely am one of these people, I knew within, you know, I knew what was going on. I just needed someone to give me the confidence to believe in it and then actually structure, you know, a bit of a framework around all this and then figure out, right, let's let's actually conceptualize what's going on here. And then, you know, being diagnosed with BPD was great for that because it's like, all right, now I know, you know, I tick every box. Um which I was sort of, to be honest, I was sort of happy about um because that was like, all right, this is this is this is solid now. This is exactly this is it, you know, now I can attack it with everything I've got, and that's what I did. The problem was, though, it was too late for all my relationships. Um, so but yeah, so I try not to blame myself too much though, because yeah, the the self, this not the bit that has been distorted, you know, by the tumour that's BPD. Like the self, the me, um, the last thing I wanted was for any of those people to get hurt like they did. And it's still, I carry a lot of shame and guilt over what happened. And although I I do believe, you know, the borderline personality unfortunately was pulling the strings, not me so much. But, you know, at the same time, it was you know, a lot a lot of the things I said, it was coming from my mouth, you know, it was my voice. It was um, you know, like like it was me. Even if it wasn't me, even if it feels like I was possessed, it was still me. And geez, I'll tell you what, these waves are getting closer. Um I I ne I'm just having a look, no, yeah, no, I can still make it back. No, all good. Um, but uh what was I about to say? Oh yeah, one last thing about being possessed. I remember there was a time I was sitting here again. Oh, actually, no, it was at Newcastle Beach, Newcastle Beach, but similar you know, circumstances. So I'm sitting there and I knew the things were bad that night. I'd worked at the Cambridge Hotel at the nightclub and I was triggered the whole time. I hadn't slept much, you know, I finished like 4 a.m. and I was just absolutely cooked, and my B per D was just going, right? And my girlfriend at the time, who um actually lives in another country, is from another country. Um, so there was a distance thing, was was the first complication. And then the B per D on top of that, like there was never a chance in hell, unfortunately. Um, but you know, gave it our best shot, and it's yeah, it's it's still sad that unfortunately it all fell over. Um, but it is sad too, because I remember this particular time I finished work, as I was saying, I was cooked, and I got on the phone, and I it was 4 a.m. here, but it was night time. Uh sorry, it was during the day over there uh in South America. Um, and I remember just going for it, you know, and and just accusing her all this. So she would I remember like I spoke for like an hour straight. She didn't say a word. I just kept going on and on and on. And she stayed on the line um because she was worried that if she hung up, what I would then do. So she she copped all the abuse, you know, um and these accusations and me saying, I know you're gonna leave me, or you're already cheating on me with some, you know, South African uh South African, sorry, South American guy, um, you know, that I'm picturing in my head. I can see it happening, you know. And an episode I'm doing soon will be retroactive jealousy. And that this ties into this story very well, actually. Um, but I can see, you know, her cheating on me over there because that's how strong the grip of B Ped E was on me. And so I'm saying all these accusations as if I'm watching it live, you know? Like essentially it was a psychotic break. Uh, well, it was a psychotic break. Um uh uh and thankfully it didn't go all the way, but it was bad, it was bad. And I remember, right? I remember sitting there, um, sitting here, and I remember thinking, Elliot, Elliot, mate, you gotta pull the handbrake up, you gotta stop. If you don't stop with these accusations and all this crap that you're talking about, like she's gone. You gotta stop. I remember eventually we hung up and I walked over right where I am now, uh, and I got a stick. I found a stick on the sand, so I'm on the beach, right? And it's 4 a.m. It was like 5 a.m. at this point, the sun started coming up. Uh, and I grabbed the stick and I walked towards the water, and in the sand, I drew a line. I drew a line in the sand and I looked to the heavens, and I I you know, I wouldn't say I'm super religious, you know. I think there's something more going on that we humanoids don't understand, but you know, but either way, I prayed to whoever was listening. I was looking at the stars and I was just like, please. And it wasn't even so much please do this for me, it was please. She's help me so it helps her because she doesn't deserve any of this. She's an angel. And I just I had I knew that if you know this has been going on for a little bit, unfortunately. And this is a story I'm gonna have to tell in full because it starts over. See, as it's a huge story. But this particular night, I drew this line in the sand, I prayed, I looked to the gods, and I made a a conscious, you know, decision. I said, right, that's it. No more. It's not happening again. And you know what happened? The following night, it happened again. And this is what I mean. You know, like I'm drawing lines in the sand. I'm I'm praying to, you know, I'm whoever, I'm I'm saying to the world, the universe, I will do anything. Please stop me from hurting her like this. And it didn't matter. Next night happened again. And I think it was like a week later, uh, we broke up, which then ended up with me going to hospital to the martyr for I think it was the first time. Uh, it was the first time. Like I said, there's a big story there. That's all I'll say about that. But the last thing I want to say uh about that story, because I said how I felt possessed in a way by this BPD. Uh, and that's what I've been told, actually, that that's what it sounds like. I remember this particular girlfriend said very clearly, she said that that night, especially the one that I was talking about just before, she said it didn't sound like Elliot. I don't know who that was, but it sounded like a monster, and it was scary, and I never want to hear that again. Um and and she was serious, you know. She's like, Your tone changed, everything like it was it was different, everything changed, like your voice, it wasn't you. And you know, that sounds scary, and trust me, it is scary, especially when you sort of come to, you know, later on with therapy and and see things a bit clearly, you know, it's like, holy doy, what's going on there? But you know, what can I say? This is the reality of mental illness, unfortunately. You know, it it corrupts it corrupts the individual, and it it makes the individual believe things and do things with that belief that that is not uh uh you know in in reality, but oh gee, that's the thing. That's why they're mental illnesses, that's why this stuff, you know, people die from this stuff because it's as serious as it gets. And uh I don't know, it just it just sucks, you know. Like the amount of times I've sat here just wishing that I could sort myself out, find my twin flame, and live happily ever after, like unbelievable. It's and the and the amount of times that I've sat here as my I thought my twin flame, you know, the flames went out, and I'm sitting here thinking, God, how do I fix this? What do I do? And like I said, you know, like now I have insight, I have awareness, I have the tools in my in my belt, you know, I've got experiences and I've got, you know, I've done the work, I've done the work, you know. That stuff ain't happening again, but typical, you know, once I feel like I'm, you know, in a position where I can offer somebody the world, my world at least, um everything goes dry. It's unbelievable how that typical. You've got to laugh. It's it's either that or you cry. But um, and don't get me wrong, like I've been in a relationship. I I don't know how often I've sort of spoken about this on the show. I'll be speaking about it more though, because this is the real crux of the matter. This is Elliot Waters right here. Um, this relationship stuff. This is just the beginning. Um, but I've been in a relationship for a couple of years now, and and there doesn't appear to be much, you know, on the horizon. And yeah, I'm sort of getting okay with it, but it is sad, you know. I do grieve certainly for the self that that, you know, love these people with everything I had, and I've got I've got lots of love to give, you know. I do. I do. That's one thing about B Ped as well, you know, emotions run hot, but both ways. And and you know, yeah, it's it's just um I do I do feel sad for myself that perhaps my chance at that has has unfortunately been and gone. And and you know, and there's been, you know, all my relationships, especially the one I was just talking about, you know, that was special. But they're all special in their own way, but you know, they were all cut short um because of mental illness, you know, and that's the reality of it. And that's what people deal with. You know, I've met people in hospital, in psychiatric wards, you know, and we're talking about how you know, I've done an episode on this too, you know, the fear of loneliness. Um, that time, for example, when uh I was at Ijmu, James Fletcher Hospital on the ward there, and and we went around the room, you know. I've done an episode on this. I I highly recommend listening to it because it's a beauty as well. They all are, come on. Um, but when we all said that our biggest fear was dying alone and being lonely. And it breaks my heart because, yeah, that's um unfortunately, you know, that's gonna be the reality for a lot of us that were in that room that day. And maybe it already is for me, I'm not sure. So anyway, um, I'll tell you what though, if you were a potential partner for Elliot and you just listen to this episode, I don't know. I don't know how you'd be feeling. Uh, I'd I'd like to think that you would be like, you know, Elliot's pretty fair name, you know, he's pretty genuine and honest. Like, this is rare, you know, and it is rare. Um, I can understand though why people would maybe get a bit frightened. Um, but but you know, I'd like to think that the fact that I I've done the work, you know, like things are different, and I know they are, it's just, you know. But I'm not forcing these things, you know. It's it's all right. If I have to sit here, you know, and think about things, and you know, that's alright. I can do that. That's fine. And I'll record more episodes while I'm sitting here. Maybe when the tide's not so far up, because I'm gonna have to scoot in a minute so I can get back to the to the pavilion and get back to the car. But yeah, so there you go. So that's just some of the stuff. Some of the things I guess I've been through and thought about while sitting here and sitting at different locations here in Newcastle at the different beaches. Um, and it's uh yeah, it's um, yeah, this place, Newcastle has a has a you know, it'll always be home. It means everything to me, this place. It does. Future Lord Mayor. Um, but man, there's been some tough times here. There's been some real, you know, I drive around Newy and you know, I try not to do this, but often I'm like, oh, there was a phone call there, there was a breakup there, you know, but there was a you know a you know, suicide ladiation, a lot of that went happened there, and you know, there's yeah, but so it'd be nice if a few more happier memories could be made around here. But you know, if I've got to do it on my own, that's all right. I'll do it. Um, all right, so that'll do because like I said, I've got to sort of get across before the tide comes all the way up. Um it is beautiful, though. Man, it's hot. That's hot, I'm sweating, you know. But this sort of talk, these topics get me going, you know. This is what gets the emotions running. And like I said, my emotions run pretty hot. So uh yeah, no, it's good. I enjoyed that. Um what I was gonna say before I do go though is that if you haven't seen yet, dysregulated daily is in in it's going, it's on, it's happening. I'm doing videos on Instagram, Facebook, uh, and YouTube. So search for the dysregulated podcasts on those platforms and you will find all of the amazing content, including the dysregulated daily videos, so you can get some insights, some just about real-time insights into my life living with complex mental illnesses, uh, the good and the bad. So the videos, yeah, they've been fun. People seem to have been enjoying them, which is good. I'm trying, you know, I'm trying to uh ki k come up with things and ways to you know talk about how things are in a way that's you know entertaining and sort of fun, but at the same time, it's serious stuff, you know. And the bad days, when the real bad days come, you know, I think I've said here on the podcast, you know, there's gonna be days I'll be in bed and the video's just gonna be me saying, look, today's not the day, that's it. Um yeah, I'm enjoying it. So hopefully it offers some extra insights into what it's like, living mental illness, and maybe some people will listen to the videos and go, oh yeah, I had that happen too. That's just like me. Um, because at the end of the day, we're all going through stuff, and there's a lot of us who are going through mental illness. And um, and I really want to get that point across that you know, you're not alone because at the very least, that there's me. And you can watch the videos and it'll show you that I'm in the trenches with you. Don't worry about that. But yeah, so the videos have been great. So give them a watch. Um, that'll be great. And check out all the other stuff on social media I've been doing. Uh, and there's a bit more coming up, so stay tuned. Thank you for listening, everybody. If you've made it this far, you've done really well, and I thank you so much. Uh, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I do appreciate every listener I do. Uh, so if this resonated with you, if this strikes a chord, you know, feel free to reach out. If you're one of my ex-girlfriends and you know, you want to give it another go. I'd say you're mad, but you know, let me know. See what's listen. All right, look, very quickly, most of my ex girlfriends have now moved on and are married with children, which is great. I'm so happy for them. So I just want to make that point. You know, I'm only joking. Anyway, all right, that'll do from me. Thank you for listening, everybody. I've got to go before I drown. Uh, and uh yeah, I better go. See you later. Bye bye.