G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the This Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, I'm recording in my car again using my portable recording equipment because I'm hoping this will help facilitate again being able to do these episodes more frequently because I am having such trouble at the moment doing it back at home. So this is a different way of doing things. The last recording that I did on here, which was to go through the uh dysregulated daily series, which I might add is going great guns. So if you haven't seen it yet, go to uh the podcast Instagram, which is the dysregulated.podcast, or you can go on to Facebook by searching the Dysregulator Podcast, and it'll come up. And also on the official YouTube channel for the show. Um, and YouTube is the platform that has everything. So it's got all of these audio full-length podcast episodes, and it's also got the uploads of the daily, uh, sorry, dysregulator daily series, um, which is going really well. Uh, but as I said, the last episode I did on here was to explain that new series, and to be honest, the sound quality wasn't particularly good. So, you know, I apologize. Sorry about that. Uh, and hopefully, hopefully this version will be a lot clearer for this episode. So, but anyway, the last episode, like I said, I wasn't particularly happy with how the production I guess came out, and that's the issue, see? Because I can't see this show is very, you know, I talk about how it's raw and stuff, and it is, it is, but it is in the sense that the let's be honest, the production values aren't really there, um, which I'd like to think is part of the show's charm. And I think it's also um important that if you're going to be talking about things like mental health and and particularly the darker sides of mental health or your experiences with it, um, you know, you don't want to be too flashy because we're we're talking about real stuff here. So, you know, I want to keep it as organic and as genuine as possible. But also, because I have ADHD, I'm not very good at being able to sit down and edit things and cut things out and redo things. It's just not in my DNA. So um, so unfortunately, uh, yeah, sometimes some of the episodes aren't maybe as uh crystal clear like I would like, but at the same time, it is a reflection in many ways of what my mental health is like because I do struggle to concentrate on those things. Alright, so today's episode, that's a pretty long intro because that's not what I'm really going to be talking about. Um, I want to talk about um it's it stems from a conversation I had with a friend and a listener of the show, and she may have even been on, um, just before about, you know, different baselines and what the true baseline really is. And it really got me thinking, um, and it's something that I think about quite a bit, uh, because I'm not particularly sure where my baseline actually is. And unfortunately, my friend, she's not particularly sure either. Um, so it is a big, it's a big sort of topic, or it's or it's a big problem, really, if you can't figure out what your baseline is because you don't know, you know, what to base everything off. That's the thing. So, with me, for example, um, you know, I'm either so flat or just down in the dumps and just lacking so much energy that I don't get anything done, which causes massive problems as far as my workaholic uh inner critic schema is concerned. Or I go the other way, which is what I've been doing lately, uh, if you haven't noticed, um, it which is going at 100 million miles an hour. And I don't really have a baseline or a center that I am confident is the real positioning, you know, like I'm either all on or I'm all off. I'm either black or white, you know, and that that way of thinking is very BPD. Um, but at the same time, I'm talking more about things like nervous system capacity, and this is what I talk about in the dysregulated daily series. This is partly why I'm looking at capacity. Um, because sometimes I've got so much capacity, then other times I've got absolutely none. And it does my head in that I oscillate between both. And it's the same with everything in my life, you know. Like I said, it's either it's black or white, all or nothing, zero or a hundred. Um, and that goes for me emotionally, that goes for me cognitively, um, and it goes for me behaviorally as well, and also physiologically, which is the nervous system stuff. So we were talking about how um, you know, how anxiety-provoking uh it is when you don't know what your base is. And it's um it's something I struggle with constantly, because even when I am on the go like I have been lately, um, I am constantly thinking about the fact that, you know, this isn't the norm necessarily, um, and things slow down a lot in other moments and and come to a complete halt. And that scares the life out of me because when I am running hot like I have been lately, um, and things are getting done and I'm producing content, for example, for the dysregulated ecosystem, um, or I'm at work and I'm being able to really engage and put in good efforts, or you know, I'm actively getting extra training done and doing research and working at all that sort of stuff, you know. When all that's going really well, the bet to be honest, the better it's going, the more that I start thinking, uh-oh, this isn't the norm. This is gonna all fall over at any moment, which, you know, invariably that is what happens. Um, and then when I'm in the down in the dumps and I've got no energy, I'm completely flat, you know, I'm just unable to do anything, barely get out of bed, um, I always assume in those moments that that must be my baseline. So while I'm sitting here now, although I'm further up the end of the almost manic or hypermanic end, um, because I have been running very, very hot and it's not sustainable. But anyway, I'll get in that in a minute. Um, but when I'm in this sort of frame of mind, I can understand that when I'm really down in the dump, that's potentially and quite possibly not the norm. That's not baseline. That is a um a result of my mental illnesses, and and you know, so that's not what we should be aiming for, and it's not what I should be assuming is my baseline. Okay, I'll I'll accept that. But then I also don't believe that my energy levels and my output the last say week, week and a half. I also don't believe that that is necessarily my natural baseline either. Um, but the thing is, there's no real in-between. I'm either on or I'm off, you know. Like I said, black or white across the board in every domain, I'm either, you know, or gone or I'm not. So I'm left sitting here right now going, okay, well, it's a good thing that I'm open to the idea that um my baseline isn't when I'm not able to do anything, so that's good, but you know, but but I'm no closer to and and no more comfortable in having an understanding of where this baseline actually is. Um and and that's true. I've got absolutely no idea. No idea. And like I said, it's it gets me very stressed because um, you know, you try and plan for the future, say, you try and plan, and you you you plan within, or at least within your capacity, basically. This is why capacity is this big thing for me at the moment. You know, there's an expectation that a certain level of capacity will be the average over the time of trying to achieve this goal, whatever it might be. Um, and then you sort of plan for that, knowing that that's the average capacity, and if we work on that sort of blueprint, it'll all work out really nicely. The thing is, for people like me and people like my friend as well, and so many other people, you know, it's you can't plan with some sort of idea of this capacity thing, um, you know, on written down in the blueprint, because you I've got no idea what that is. So it's so hard to then come up with goals and come up with things I want to achieve and plans to actually make it happen, because I have no confidence and no faith in my abilities to be able to carry it out, because I don't even know what my output levels really are. Um, because it's true, it's it's I'll I'll be completely honest. Um, excuse me, I'll be completely honest that the last week, week and a half, um, I have been running hot and it's not sustainable, and it is above probably um where I want to be. So my thoughts have been a little bit too sort of rushed, and and there's been too many of them, you know, it's been quite overwhelming. This brain that doesn't really stop anyway, but you know, it's been really, you know, intense the last week and a half. Um I have been able to get a lot of stuff done, but I have not had very good sleep, for example, and that's been building and building. Um, and you know, the thing is this can't continue, you know. I'm like I said, I'm like an engine, you know, running too hot. If this keeps going, you know, things will start warping, pistons will be going the wrong way. Um, you know, it's not not a good outcome. Um, this is how I end up in hospital previously, you know, because I'd be at uni and I'd be pushing myself for for too long at a level that was not sustainable. And then invariably, most semesters, um, and especially during my honours thesis, I would end up in hospital because I would overcook myself and I'd need to go to hospital to, you know, get a new radiator and put more cooling in, and you know, I'd leave and I'd be thinking, all right, I need to, you know, I need to be within my capacity here so that doesn't happen again. But, you know, I've got ADHD, so everything that I do is clunky, and there's no, um, you know, I'm never being totally organized and as productive as my efforts would suggest I should be, because I do have, I don't know, neurodevelopmental issues, ADHD autism, and then there's all the emotional stuff going on with BPD, and then all the fear and this and the anxiety that's so crippling that just shuts me down. This is the thing, you know, there's so many moving variables here that have an influence on what this supposed baseline is. Um, and that's why it's so hard to figure out what it is, because the waters are muddied. You know, all the medications that I'm going to talk about uh one particular medication in a minute that is very much related to me um overdoing things and and um running a little bit hot not being sustainable. Um, but that's the thing, you know, there's all these elements, you know, the medications are doing, who knows what some of these meds are doing, because I don't even know. There's no baseline even for my medications because there's so many of them. Um and it's it's so hard to be able to pry apart the effects from each medication and then be able to look at it individually and then ascertain what's pulling what levers and what's doing what, and that's been a problem for me for 15 years, you know, because I've been on medications for so long, and there's been so many of them. And, you know, this is a little bit outside of the scope of this episode, but you know, let's be honest, the medications haven't done the job, you know. I'm not cured of anything. I still have some pretty terrible days. Um, and unfortunately, I think there's probably a few of them coming soon because I know that I'm running too hot, I'm going too hard. But I have to be running hot and I have to be pushing really hard because there's this workaholic within and this inner critic and this imposter syndrome that is telling me that, you know, you look, I look back over the years and I haven't achieved what I want to achieve. Okay. That's that's pretty, you know, that's understood. I talk about that a lot. I'm not in the position that I want to be. But these forces within say and act out and cause me to behave and think and feel in a way that is there's this great sense of urgency because I've supposedly wasted all these years and I'm running out of time to be able to do what I want to do. And I'm scared because if I'm not able to get to the end to whatever it is I'm aiming for, the goals that I've set, if I don't make that, or I believe that I am not capable of doing and achieving the things that I want to achieve, um, you know, like for example, getting back into the transport industry and being able to do research on the industry and helping um, you know, men's mental health and you know, doing all that sort of stuff and all the work here with the podcast and getting back out and doing presentations and all this stuff, which is a huge workload. But the thing is, if I'm not able to tick these boxes and tick them soon, this workaholic um construct schema, whatever you want to call it, the inner critic, um, they keep telling me that I'm not doing good enough. And then there's the imposter syndrome that's feeding all this as well by adding this element of doubt in my abilities and what I'm able to do, um, essentially because maybe I'm a bit of a fraud. So they're the sort of thoughts that I'm contending with and trying to get the hell away from and nullify. And one of the ways in which I'm trying to do that is to achieve everything, achieve all those goals and objectives so those inner parts cannot say a word because I've done it all. Um, and that's that's you know, that's aiming for something but then overcooking it, you know, and that's what I mean, running too hot. And the thing is, like I said, if I'm running too hot and I do it for too long, then I have to go to the mechanic and get serviced. And I do not want to be going back to hospitals again, don't worry. I don't feel as though I'm anywhere near that stage. But at the same time, you know, gotta be realistic. I've been to the hospital many times for my mental health. Um, and although I'm, you know, I'm actively planning on never going there again, um, I will go if the circumstances require it, but I don't want that to happen. But I need at this point to satisfy these inner parts because they're just so strong at the moment, they're so loud, and I'm doing whatever I can to try and feel as though I'm working towards these goals and objectives. Um and and then there's an extra there's an extra layer of complexity, which is the fact that then I put all these expectations on myself, and these expectations then are too much, too great often, and I crumble underneath them. And anybody would because some of these expectations are ridiculous. Um, and I always have to remember, you know, that's not other people putting them on me, it's me putting them on me. So, in some ways, that's a that's a good thing because theoretically it's in my control, it's within my sphere of competency because it's me. But at the same time, obviously I'm not very good at controlling these parts and these forces because I'm still talking about this stuff and I'm still, you know, wobbling at the legs, at the knees because of this load that I'm trying to carry. Now, to tie this back in to medications quickly, I'll be completely honest, um, the last week and a half, two weeks of productivity, which has been great, has been fueled by a little bit of uh dexamphetamine, a little bit more than maybe my prescription um allows. Uh, and that is because I'm desperate to be able to get these things done so I don't feel terrible about myself all the time. You know, so like the dysregulated daily series, for example, I have been sitting on that idea for so long and I've been so, so excited to start doing it because I think the insights it'll offer people will be just second to none. And it's it it really ties into that ethos I've got um of making this podcast or the dysregulated family, I suppose, um, the ecosystem of the dysregulated podcast. I want this to be the most insightful um of all podcast shows on the internet, you know. That's my guarantee. If you've been listening long enough, you would know that. So, you know, dysregulated daily isn't is an amazing step forward, I think, in being able to provide the content that I am promising you guys, you know? Um, so that's really good. And I'm so glad that I've started doing it. I'm pretty happy with how they're coming out, you know, they're raw and all that, but it's pretty good. But the only issue is that a lot of this project, since I kicked it off however many days ago, has been fueled by stimulants, stimulant medication. Um, and that then gets me anxious to tie it all the way back to the beginning, because then it's like, hang on, so am I actually capable of doing the dysregulated daily series, or am I only able to do it if I'm being fuelled by substances um at a level that is not recommended? Don't get me wrong, I haven't had like heaps and heaps. I haven't, okay? I haven't. And I do have a prescription for these things. So, you know, I'm only going a little bit above. But even at my prescribed level, um, which is basically what I've been doing anyway, but anyway, still being completely honest, there's been a few times I've gone a little bit above. Um, but you know, it really worries me that I'm and and then there's this extra bit too, which is the overall worry that I'm so reliant maybe on medications, what's my baseline without them? Um, so you know, these are the sorts of things that I'm contending with and contending with every day. Um, like this is huge, you know, like like this workaholic thing and needing to be successful for, you know, whatever that means. Um, this whole um issue that I it's huge, you know, and there's so many layers to it, as I've explained here today. There's so many layers, there's so much pressure. Um, because, you know, basically, if I'm not able, for example, to synergize the transport industry with mental health like I want to, you know, and do this research on the industry and and drive trucks, B doubles and stuff, you know, to get the credentials and, you know, because I love trucks as well, and I love transport and, you know, all of that sort of stuff. But I'm so worried that if I'm not able, if I'm actually not able to achieve those things without some sort of enhancement, um, that means that my whole dream is unattainable. And then there goes the meaning and purpose for everything that I do. There goes the reasons why the sacrifice is worth it and why I'm willing to endure the sacrifice to achieve these goals. You know, that's why I want to, you know. And it's it's hard because, you know, I've got no partner, I've got no kids, I've got no, you know, responsibilities really except for myself. Um, and it's scary because there's too much, you know. I need to be able to offload some of this responsibility to other areas because I am crumbling underneath the, you know, the weight of the expectations that I put on myself around them. So that's another layer of it as well, which is responsibility. Um, I need to somehow find a way to channel it in different directions because having it all on me is just, it's too much. It's too much responsibility for just one man. You know what I mean? Anyway, so that's um that's uh it, I think. I think that'll do. I think that explains things in the typical Elliott way. Um, so yeah, so thank you everybody for listening. And of course, I'll keep you updated with how the whole um productivity thing goes um because it is it is a big thing on my mind at the moment, and I need to come up with a way to resolve this, I think. Um but anyway, all good. Thank you guys, thank you for listening. As always, I appreciate it, and I'll see you next time here on the Dysregulator Podcast.