G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the This Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, today's episode, I want to have a quick little chat about the difficulties one can have in figuring out whether all these positive emotions that are flowing in suddenly and all the great ideas that have followed, whether all of this is actually valid and if it's actually reality, or is it a sign of something more sinister? Now, as far as I'm aware, because it is hard for me to I guess imagine this because my brain is so chaotic, um, but as far as I'm aware, everybody has those moments where everything seems to fall into place and everything seems easy and got an answer for everything, and then there's other times when things aren't clicking and the opposite occurs and a lot of negative emotion goes with it. Um, but when you have mental disorders, especially ones such as bipolar disorder, uh attention deficit hyperactive disorder or borderline personality disorder, it is very, very difficult to figure out if these positive, I guess, episodes you could say, are positive episodes, and you know, let's enjoy it while we can because you know, you know, I've got some vitamin D and everything's feeling good, you know, that's nice weather, so yeah, this is this is natural, this is organic, or is it a result of these mental disorders? And unfortunately, sometimes you can't really tell until after the fact, and so what that means is you never quite know, you know, like you know, your judgments are my judgments right? You know, should I be questioning everything? And if you've got an obsessive mind like I do, you do question everything until whatever that posity was, you grind it into the ground, and then you're just right back in the hole again. So frustrating. But this week, for example, right? I would don't mean I wouldn't say everything's going my way this week, definitely not. But there's been all these good ideas, and I think they are good ideas. I think there's some great potential, and I'd like to investigate whether I can make these good ideas um turn into reality, I suppose. But when you've got disorders like the ones I've mentioned, or mental health um complexities more generally, there is always that little question of whether your mind is playing tricks on you or whether this is the real deal. Like this week, for example, I it's been so long since my brain has been able to provide me with what I would say is a consistent stream of good ideas. So long. Usually this thing just doesn't fire up unless it's the negative that I'm focusing on, and then oh yeah, it's all guns blazing. Then, but when I'm looking for positivity, my mind likes to uh shut down those neurons and just you know not engage with that sort of stuff at all. So when my brain produces all these ideas like it has this week, you know, my first thought is hallelujah, the thing still works. How good's this? I better take advantage because unfortunately, history shows that these moments are fleeting. Um, but not only are the moments fleeting, unfortunately, when I look back over the years and I can see some distinct episodes where things seem to be going really, really well. When actually, thanks to hindsight, I can see now that no, that positivity was not real, it was fraudulent, it was fake. But you know, when you're in the moment and you lose that insight because everything's going great, so you're just like, yep, I'm throwing myself in this moment, I'm not questioning anything. This is how life is going to be forevermore, always in this positive mind frame. Unfortunately, it does take to be looking back outside of this episode to actually figure out was that actually, you know, some good ideas coming in, or was it just my mental illnesses trying to wreak havoc again? And it's hard because you're always questioning things, you know. It's really difficult when good things happen and you you question and obsess over whether this is reality or not. And that's what happens with me when I do allow myself to maybe believe that things can be good or are getting better. Um, usually that little fleeting, excuse me, a little fleeting moment of positivity gets crushed into the dirt by my obsessive um, I guess, appraisals of the situation and trying to figure out whether it was positive or not. But in the end, it doesn't matter anyway, because the obsession around the validity of those moments has crushed those moments and they're well gone, you know. Bom ball, unlucky. Um, but unfortunately, you know, people with mental health disorders have to think like this because if you're like me who who have and you've got a diagnosis of bipolar and BPD and ADHD and all the rest of them, often when you look back, unfortunately, you're going, yeah, well, yep, there's been quite a few occasions where uh everything wasn't as it may seem, and that's that sucks because then you like I said, you do question these positive moments, and then usually the questioning um puts an end to it very swiftly. So when I had all these good ideas coming in this week, I was very quick to try and figure out if they were actually good ideas or not, and I still don't really know the answer, which is why I'm gonna tell you some of them right here on the show. And I would love some feedback if you could to let me know if I've got the right idea or if maybe I need to reassess things and and listen to some more objective feedback that my own subjective mind usually doesn't allow me to listen to, but I swear this time I promise I'm I'm gonna listen. So, but it but it sucks, you know. Before I get into that and the ideas, it it really does suck when finally your brain kicks in a gear, it's like hallelujah, you know. It's been so long since this thing has produced something positive, um, you know, like sustained positivity, and then you you just question it until it the positivity dies, and then you're just back to being negative again. And there's no questions about that, that is reality, unfortunately. But you know, well, it probably isn't, you know. Thinking of this objectively, the negative mindset, you know, I'm saying it's real, it's probably not actually, it's as as um as not fraudulent, but it's as mistake-riddled as I guess the positive. That's the thing. Either end of the scale at the extremes, you know, you're not living in reality at either end of the scale there. It doesn't matter which one you're on, it's the the core fundamental point is that it's your mind creating something out of nothing and then amplifying these feelings. If you're like me, usually that's the negative. And when I do get those fleeting moments of positivity, they don't last very long because I don't trust them. I don't trust nothing. So anyway, so yes, this week I got all these great ideas, and um, I wouldn't say, well, they felt a bit life-changing in a way, and not all of them I'm gonna say here now because I've got big announcements coming, so I don't want to spoil it, you know. Um, but you know, every time this happens, I have to ask myself, unfortunately, is this actually a brilliant idea or is this some sort of mania or hypermania or extreme emotional dysregulation that's setting me up for disappointment? Dunno. And this is very hard, not just for me, but for, you know, from time to time, everybody, but in particular for us who have mental health disorders, this is a challenge all the time. This happens all the time. These questions are asked all the time, and it's hard to believe the perceptions that you feel because history shows that you've got to be careful. And then if you've got anxiety disorders along with these ADHD, bipolar and stuff, then the fear that the anxiety, you know, drives home that you could be setting yourself up for failure again, then it just renders you incapable of even moving at all. So that's often what happens and has happened traditionally with me, is I'll get all these good ideas, I'll obsess over whether this is reality or not, and then the anxiety of potentially you know, feeling as though I'm leaving myself exposed to disappointment, then that shuts me down and I get depressed again, and then I'm back into the grey world. So, but this week I've tried to be a bit more, I guess, level about it, a bit more wise mind, a bit more grounded, and part of that is talking about it here on the show, instead of just going through you know, going through the knots and turns of my mind, I'm actually getting it outside of my psyche, and so I I believe that allows me then to get a bit of distance from all this and look at things a bit more objectively. So, what are some of the examples of ideas I've had this week? So here in Newcastle, there's unfortunately been um some pretty tragic news, and I've been made aware of um more than one individual, unfortunately, who has um who has really unfortunately been the victim of some pretty serious um mental ill health. Um and it's very, very sad, and it's something that I just I don't know, I don't know how to do it, but you know, I don't want people going through that. I don't I don't because I've been through it myself and thankfully I've been able to I guess make the decision to be able to pull back and and get away from where I was and and you know and then promise myself we're gonna try again tomorrow and we'll see what tomorrow brings. You know, I'm not gonna go into too much specifics because that's not really what the episode is about. I probably will be doing a comment on things around Newcastle lately down the track, but it's obviously as you can imagine, it's a very sensitive topic, and I wanna, if I'm gonna talk about this sort of stuff, I need to do it properly. So, anyway, so let's just say because of some bad events that have happened and some bad news I've heard about, um, I've been thinking how on earth can I do something to, you know, at least, I don't know, help some people not go through that. Um, so I've had some ideas, you know. For example, there's you know, in Newcastle, there's specific locations that unfortunately have a bit of a reputation, and they do for good reason. And I know for a fact that these areas, there's no, you know, often you go to like train stations, there'll be a sign, at least here in Australia, some train stations that will have like lifelines number. Um, because unfortunately, train stations are uh one of those sorts of places as well. So there's you know, there's signs that maybe just maybe is enough to you know tilt someone's viewpoint that little bit, just enough to be able to get out of that situation. Um, but these areas here in Newcastle, there's nothing like that. So I've had this idea. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna start creating more posters, not posters for the podcast, don't worry. There's still plenty of them going around. Geez, I've put up a lot of them lately. Everybody, I'm sorry. If Newcastle City Council's listening right now, I'm sorry, but look, I'm autistic, I have fixation with putting posters up because for some reason me using that staple gun is just so soothing. So I'm sorry, but look, you know, it is what it is. I'm trying to spread a good message, so you know, stop pulling them down, please, because all you're gonna do is make me put more up. Anyway, so I want to make these posters which are a bit different, which have got nothing to do with the podcast, they're not promoting me or the show at all. What it is doing is hopefully giving people just that little idea of maybe there's other choices. So I've had that idea. I thought, yeah, it's a pretty good idea, you know. At the very least, put put down some, you know, some numbers and hotlines to ring, and they'll say QR codes, and then I've thought I'm gonna make a website which I've started, which is a directory all about the services available for people in Newcastle. Then I thought if someone goes on there, they maybe I could have a link that says, you know, if your major, I don't know, issue at the moment's anxiety, click the anxiety link. There's all these resources for anxiety and then depression, same thing, and um emotional dysregulation, for example, there can be stuff there too. So I want to create this directory because a lot of people around here in New E, unfortunately, aren't aware often of the services that are available and what the options can be. And part of what I want to do with this show, or at least this platform that I'm trying to build for for my local community, is to, I guess, I don't know, convey a message that improves people's mental health literacy, whether that is being able to identify potential areas of concern, but also to know what to do if there's potential areas of concern in yourself or someone else. Um, so and I haven't probably done as much work on that as I feel I probably could have. So I want to do some work on that. I don't want people here in Newcastle to not have any clue of what services are out there, and unfortunately that's the case. So, you know, the overarching goal is I want to really promote um the the services that are around here to try and help people because it's been it's been pretty difficult here lately and something's something's gotta happen. And of course, I've decided that it's me. Now, you know, like I don't know, the fact that I've decided it is me that could be a potential area or a thought of concern, you know, the grandiosity that you see with mania and hypomania a lot, um you know, people get, I guess, an inflated self-esteem, um, which, you know, I don't think that's happening this time. I I think I think I'm being logical in this, in that, you know, I have worked very hard to get a platform, this show, and a few other things I've done, all my black dog work, and you know, I've presented to a lot of audiences around Newcastle. Um, and I'd like to think I've contributed to trying to educate the community on mental health, whether it's services or or more broadly. Um, so I don't think this idea that, oh, you know, Elliot, you're the one that can do this, because I think maybe I am, you know, I get very passionate about this stuff. This is my, you know, mental health is my thing. This is my fixation, you know, this is what gets me going. And I think with that sort of energy and inspiration, you know, I'm not saying I'm brilliant or anything or perfect, but what can I say? You know, mental health is one of my autistic fixations. It is. So I'm thinking, well, let's try and um amplify that as much as possible because maybe I don't know this for sure, um, but maybe if I am able to do some of these things, it will help some people. And there might be a bit of a scaffolding effect, and all of a sudden, you know, give it a little bit of time, but then you've got a really well-educated community um around mental health, and that's I don't know, maybe I could be the person to try and I don't know, do some things to make that happen. Yeah, and I'm already trying, so I don't know if that idea is that far-fetched, like you know, creating a directory for people to be able to access, I don't know, that's not that special, is it? I don't know, I don't know. Is it like is that grandiosity? Is that me inflating my abilities and and you know, thinking I have all this influence when maybe I don't? I don't know. That's why I'm sort of asking the question here because I don't know. That's the thing. See, I don't know. I think it's a good idea, and I think it's an idea that is um you know feasible, I think, but at the same time, there is always that element of doubt because I know that in the past I've had all these big ideas to change the world, and it's turned out to be driven by fraudulent positivity. So I'll give you an example. So when I was doing my thesis, so usually when I was doing my thesis, it would be through the night because all day I'd be avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. Um, and then finally at like seven o'clock at night, this happened every day, I was so frustrating. Finally, I'd lock in. So I'd be at the uni, I'd be there all night, um, and then I'd leave, you know, in the wee hours of the morning or whatever. So I was for that whole year, even though my thesis was on the impacts of sleep on depression and anxiety, how ironic. Um, yeah, there was a lot of times there where I was burning the candle at both ends, I was feeling pretty fried. And then this particular night I remember I had this great idea. I don't know, I just I wish I kept the document because I reckon it would have been ramblings of a madman, but would be really insightful and interesting. Unfortunately, I got rid of it. Um but what I did, instead of doing my thesis like I should have been, I was thinking I could cure depression. So I did all this stuff. I wrote like all these pages worth of stuff in a couple of hours about how I was gonna fix depression, you know, from a psychological point of view, the medications, how we need investment in certain services. It was basically the blueprint to cure depression. And I was certain that in that moment, I don't know, God was talking to me or something, and you know, I was able to channel all this emotion, and you know, I've I'd never felt more locked in on a subject before, and I just smashed it. And you know, I look back and look, now I know definitely 100% I was in fantasy land, but I was locked in and I 100% believe this is it. I'm feel I this is what it feels like to change the course of history. Um, no, Elliot, it's not. This is what happens when you haven't slept for a week and you're trying to write an essay or bigger than an essay, a thesis on sleep when you've had no sleep, you know, not good signs. But I didn't know that at the time, see, and that's the whole point. People who go through mania, hypermania, extreme emotional dysregulation. Unfortunately, for those of us with mental illnesses, it's part of the game, which is we don't always identify that we're being led down the garden path, you know, that the way that we're feeling all this momentum, it's actually not rooted in reality. And that's hard, man. I'm telling you, that's hard. And if, like I say, if you've got anxiety, then the obsessions about the potential for being led down the garden path, oh, so difficult. So, yeah, and that was a that was a pretty clear indicator that things in that moment weren't, you know, going as they probably should have been, and I wasn't quite thinking straight. But there's been other occasions too. I've come up with all these great plans, but then on the other hand, this is why I hate myself. Well, no, sorry, I don't hate myself, but I hate how my psyche operates, my brain operates. Because there's also been really great ideas I've had that I have assumed. Then were not valid and looking back, huge missed opportunities, massive, massive missed opportunities because I didn't have the belief in the self that I could come up with an idea that potentially would be as influential as what I was thinking. I was assumed, ah, you know, this must be me, BPD firing up again. You know, I'm not even going to entertain the thought because it's just going to disappoint me. And then I look back and think, no, you know what, Elliot? That actually was a great idea, but unfortunately, self-doubt um ruined that one as well. So when you've got moments of both, okay, so I've I've got multiple moments of of the great ideas that actually weren't that good, and then the great ideas that I assumed were not great because I don't have much confidence in myself, and they actually were half decent, because I've got quite a few examples of both of those. I don't know nothing about my ideas. Every time I come up with ideas, I don't really know, and I think that's a big part of why you know I don't achieve as much as I would like to. It's not that I don't have the passion or the inspiration or the motivation, and to be honest, I do come up with some, you know, quite a few ideas. It's not like I'm lacking in them, I'm lacking in the belief, and when I do seem to believe in them 100%, that's when they're actually fraudulent. Fading, it's so frustrating, guys. So frustrating. It's not just me, you know. I am one of many, and I'm sure there's a lot of you listening right now going fading. I feel the same way. How much does it suck? And it does, everybody, it does. Um, and there's been some more ideas that I've had this week, which I am going to pursue because I've promised myself I'm going to, and I'm going to tell you all about them very soon, because I'm pretty sure they're actually going to be pretty good. I'm pretty sure if I can just lock in and get the ball rolling, and you know, and you guys will be a part of it because these ideas are relevant to this show, and obviously my audience, you guys, legends, thank you for listening. So we're going to find out because I'm going to try and actually follow through on this. But I don't want to I don't want to spoil it. You know, big ideas moving forward, it's all happening. But yeah, so but some of the ideas I had this week was that that create these posters um which have resources or links or numbers to resources for individuals who are struggling. Um, and also then as an extension of that, I I have this idea which I have started of this website that's like a directory for the Newcastle community, um, which lists all the resources that are available because unfortunately a lot of people aren't aware because we don't talk about this stuff enough. You know, we we still do not talk about this stuff enough. So a lot of people are not aware that these services exist. So I want to sort of say, listen, everyone, these are the options. I'm telling you, they're real. All right. Whether you need them yourself or your friend, it doesn't matter. I want everyone to know in this city, at least the main ones, you know, like the Martyr Hospital, for example, and the and different things New South Wales Health offer and all that sort of stuff. Um so yeah, so and another problem too is a lot of these ideas, the fraudulent ones and the real ones, um, they feel the same at the start, you know, get that rush of energy. I'm like, hell yeah, you know, this this is good, this is good. They both sort of feel the same. It's a bit further down the thinking process where they diverge a little bit and the outcomes um are quite different. So very quickly, uh, this is different for everybody, but as there is with most things in mental health, there's fundamentals that we all share, and it's true if you have a mental disorder or you don't, if you've got BPD or you don't, bipolar, whatever. Um, so these are some very easy examples um where or or ideas or or feelings that I look for to know that no, no, no, no, this this is grounded in reality. So, for example, all right, when this is actual inspiration, it's not mania, it's not hypermania, it's not the dysregulation, this is organic inspiration, 100% good stuff. So, what I look for is is there grounded excitement? You know, am I just like running around? Am I in the car with the windows down, music blaring, just thinking how I'm gonna change the world, or am I like, you know, a bit more thoughtful and measured and and you know, realistic about the situation and and not um and not just you know celebrating a win when there isn't a win yet. So grounded excitement's a big one. Thoughtful pace. So a thoughtful pace, the pace of my thoughts. So I always thought bipolar disorder before I I guess found out more about it. Um I always thought bipolar, the mania, hypomania was all just about being too happy, too happy, too happy, too positive. Um, it's more to it than that. And one of the big things I look for within myself and with other people that um you know that that I'm friendly with and talk to and look out a little bit for is the the pace of thought. So if I can feel in my head that there's a billion things going a million miles an hour, hopefully I am able to pick up on that early enough, and then I'm able to be like, all right, hang on, let's try and be grounded. I think these thoughts are ramping up too quickly. So for me, one of the biggest signs that something's not as it seems, it isn't this unbelievable level of happiness, it's actually the speed of these thoughts and these ideas coming through. So you can imagine this week, you know, I've had a lot of ideas come around the same time, sort of together as a cluster, you know. Have they been at a pace that's that's measured and thoughtful and allows proper thought? Yeah, I don't know, it's hard to tell. Um, sleep, speaking of sleep, if these good ideas are happening, but I'm still able to get to sleep and things, you know, I'm not staying up late researching stuff and and you know, burning the candle at both ends, if I'm able to go to bed on time and be keep with my routine and sleep hygiene, all that sort of stuff, and there's no big changes from the norm as far as that goes, that's a good sign. That's a good sign because if I am really dialing it up to unsafe levels, I do find I wake up very early and I go to bed very late, and then that just makes it worse because we all know lack of sleep when it comes to like ADHD and B per D and all of them, all of them, bipolar as well, ACD, anxiety, sleep is so important. So if I'm not getting much, but I'm feeling amazing, that tells me there might be something more going on. Um, another thing I look for is whether I can sit with the idea. This is the hard one because forget about the mental disorders. I'm just a person that I don't know, I don't like sitting on things for too long because I get worried that um you know thing the opportunity will disappear, even though that's sort of what happens. I'm so conflicted. Because if I'm able to sit with the idea, that's good because I'm able to control myself and not unhealthily and maladaptively throw myself 100% into something. But then on the other hand, when I sit with the idea too long because of a lack of confidence in myself and my abilities, you know, again, the other end of the scale. So somewhere in the middle, it's all about balance. I need to be able to sit with the idea, but not sit with it because I'm too scared to run with it, you know what I mean? Um, and similar to that is this idea of um whether I'm terrified of missing the moment or not. So if I'm freaking out and I'm like, you know, this is gonna change the world, but I know there's someone else that's that's right on my heels and they're gonna get it before I do, I've got to do everything, which means stay up for a week and not sleep and have too many dexamphetamine and energy drinks because oh my god, you know, this moment it's only gonna come once and this is it. If I'm thinking like that, if I'm using stimulants to fuel this idea that I got to be running towards this moment because it's gonna go at any second, bad sign, bad sign. Um, all right, so so yes, if I'm able to not be terrified of that, that is um a good indicator that this might be a proper um part of inspiration that's coming from my mind. That's actually a good thing. But when it's mania, hypermania, extreme dysregulation, what you do find is the opposite. You know, there's this sense of urgency, this pressure to act right now. Um, these racing thoughts, like I said, the inflated sense of destiny, me being the one that can solve depression because I've got the lived experience, and you know, hopefully I'm a part of the process of maybe curing depression, but I'm certainly not silly, silly enough to think that I'm gonna do it all on my own. Um, you know, the emotional intensity, which is hard because generally I have intense emotions and I like that. That's what makes me different from other people, you know. Like I do feel every emotion so strongly, but you can feel it in a strong way that's not destructive. So I've got to be careful of that. Um feeling electrified. So this is all linked to this idea of not sleeping enough because I'm just so wound up, I'm so energetic, and I've got all this nervous energy, it feels like it feels like I've got electric running through my veins. Oh, watch out, thunderstruck, you know. Um, and then also uh I do try, or this one's pretty hard to pick up on if this has progressed too far, this manic episode. Um, I do try and look for some impulsive decision making. And that's the thing. This week, for example, there's been some impulsive decision making. So, you know, it's hard. It's hard because to be honest, I felt just about all of those things. Even the things that um are mutually exclusive, somehow I felt them at the same time. Because I don't know, that's just that's just how I operate, unfortunately. So the overlap between good and bad positivity, you know, the overlap is is quite significant. It is significant, and they mimic each other. I don't know which one's mimicking which, but whatever. Point of the matter is the good, the bad, often they appear the same, and that's why it's so hard to be able to figure out, you know, is this good or is this bad? You know, and that's when you can turn to other people, of course. That's another option, and that's sort of what I'm doing here, which is you know, you talk to other people and hope that they're more objective, not completely objective, but more so than yourself, um, you know, then their objective opinions do matter, and that's evidence from your external environment that is tangible and more objective, and then that is part of the evidence base when trying to assess whether these ideas are actually that good or not. And that's what I'm doing here. So if you guys are able to provide me with some feedback on the idea of the the posters and the the uh Newcastle directory, that would be pretty cool. As I said, there's a few more really, really good ideas to come, but I can't spoil it just yet. So the emotional toll that there is of not trusting your own mind, I've I've spoken quite a lot about that at the start of this episode, and I want to say it again because this is the hardest part, I think. Um, not being able to trust oneself. You know, there's that self-doubt. Am I being delusional right now or is this in spite? I have no idea, but because I've got horrendous anxiety disorders, let's just, you know, automatically assume I'm delusional and now I'm depressed because I can't have a positive idea. You know, remember I said that sometimes I've looked back and gone, that was actually a missed opportunity. So, so difficult to try and, you know, come to terms with these feelings and and accept some and challenge others. It's oh it's so hard. Um, you know, there's this great fear I have of not being able to sustain the energy and the inspiration. So I which is sort of what I said before, which is this fear of actually starting things, because I assume that I ain't gonna be able to follow through. It's almost like rejection sensitivity. I'm already assuming that I'm not able to do it, so why even bother? Even though that's that in itself is it's not actually a protective mechanism or thought, it's actually holding you back, holding me back, and it causes a lot of negative emotion when really that could actually be an opportunity to do some good things. Um, there's a lot of shame and embarrassment that can come about these ideas I've had in the past, and people have when they've got bipolar or BP or whatever. Um, you know, there can be embarrassment about oh, I can't believe I thought like you know, that story of me and the depression thing at uni. I'm I'm not really embarrassed about that because it's a great example that highlights what I'm talking about. And as you guys know, I'm not that embarrassed about my mental health. Usually, most of it I'm not because I don't know, I'm just not. I guess I like being open about it, but there are certain things I look back and I'm like, I'm cringe, I'm like, oh god, that's cringy. I can't believe I did that. That's so embarrassing. There are those things, there are definitely. Um, and again, very common for people in general, but very, very common for people who have complex mental health presentations. Um, and then over time you do get that internalized feeling and thought that becomes automatic, that your insight system is compromised. You that you can't always pick where and when and how it's compromised, but it is. So, always in the back of my mind, for example, I have to contend with this idea that this you know, this um framework that I'm judging the world with, and the insight that I think I've got of myself, there is always that thought that comes from probably the inner critic sort of thing, but some other subparts as well. Um, just keep saying, Elliot, your system, you know, it's not calibrated properly, slow down, you know, even though it might be a good idea. And then there's actually grief that comes with this too. Big time, big time. Um, because you know, you grieve for the person that you could have been if some of those decisions were followed through and those really good ideas, you know. Like even I sitting here right now recording this episode, you know, living with my parents at 35 in my sister's old bedroom. And um, you know, like there's been some opportunities that would have ensured that this isn't how I would be living at 35 that I didn't take. And I do grieve a bit because I have held myself back and and denied myself opportunities to, you know, really make something pretty special, I think, of of this life and what I'm trying to achieve. And don't get me wrong, as you know, I'm still battling away, I'm still trying to get to that point. But man, imagine if some of those ideas in my teens that were actually half decent, I actually followed through with them. And imagine if maybe some of those other ones that weren't good, I was able to be insightful enough to avoid them. But you know, you can't you can't dwell on the past too much because yeah, for people with mental illness, unfortunately, our pasts are um and not happy places necessarily to uh to go back and relive. So yeah, it's it's it's hard. So you got on one hand, again, are these ideas actually like feasible? And if they are but you miss the boat, you know, that's so disappointing. Then if you do throw everything at it, but then it's actually not a good idea, and then that reinforces this idea that you know your insight is not where it should be, and as a result, we've got to tread lightly because we got no idea what's going on, and if we throw ourselves too much into anything, then everything's gonna blow up in our face. But by doing that and avoiding that, then you scuttle whatever potential there is to create something special, whatever that may be, and that's different for everybody. But I think those fundamentals I just said, um, that's a big part of a lot of people's presentations and how they think when um they are suffering or we are suffering with complex mental health disorders. Um, so I do have a few little sort of checks and balances I try to think about and and um and assess how I'm going on these sorts of these these little tests to determine how things may be going. I've got this written down, so when I am getting carried away in the moment, I've still got that physical piece of paper, which I know where it is, that I can pull out and go, all right, all right, Elliot. Elliot, when he was being really thoughtful and thinking about the future really well, created this document. So let's um let's think of past Elliot and let's have a read of this, and and then that can be enough to sort of jolt me back out from maybe a um a positive episode that was building way too quickly uh and would not be sustainable. Sometimes that little checklist is just enough. I don't even really get the checklist out anymore. Um, I know where it is and I know what's on it, and just that piece of paper can be often for me enough to just yeah, just get me back on the right track. So the checks. So these are some things I look at to um assess how my internal systems are going. So that's the sleep test. So I spoke about that, excuse me, the sleep test. Um, if I have had consistent poor sleep for a number of days and I'm having all these great ideas all of a sudden, uh, you know, that's that's something that needs to be recognised. And that unfortunately is a sign that maybe these ideas are not organic. Um, there's the test of time. So this is about the whole sitting with the idea if I can wait to do it tomorrow, it doesn't have to be done right this second at 2 a.m. If I can wait, but it's still a good idea tomorrow, that's a good sign. Um, there's even a physical body sort of test. So when I'm really, you know, sort of feeling it, um, and maybe in a maladaptive way, I sort of, you know, even my motor ticks seem to sort of kick up a gear a bit, and I sort of do more moving around and I feel more electrified, I suppose. Um so often I I find it difficult to stay still and just be calm, and I'm getting all fidgety and stuff, and and that could be a sign, hang on, this is coming from a place that's not good, you know. There's this physical response going on here. This this is not this is this is not a good sign. Um there's the sustainability sort of check. I said just before, I mentioned how sometimes these ideas are not sustainable, so obviously that's another check as. Well, it's like, alright, if this idea was to be postponed until like next week, would I have a problem with that? Would it still be a great idea? You know, what are our thoughts on that? Um, and then the last one, which I've I've well, I guess there's probably two more, but the la the second last one, which is potentially the biggest um improvement or or area I've seen improving, is the fact that I do now check with other people. I don't always say, hey, listen, everyone, I've got this great idea. Can you all let me know if it's good, like I'm doing sort of here today? Um, but you know, you can sort of hint at oh, I've been thinking about this without having to show you cards necessarily, and still be able to get some some pretty honest feedback from the people that you trust, you know, their judgment. Um, so without saying, I've got all these great ideas, I'm gonna do this, you can. I what I try and do is sort of hint at it, thinking, I don't know, I've been thinking about this, I don't really know, you know, but you know, would you reckon do you reckon something like that would be a good idea? Um, and then you know, people people will very quickly tell you, yeah, that's that's pretty cool, or nah, nah, no chance. And the last thing is um pattern recognition. So that's sort of identifying the key determinants that um I know can lead to one outcome or another. So if I can see this pattern of thinking too quickly and all of a sudden the sleep going backwards and maybe not eating as much as I should be, and relying on caffeine and and dexamphetamine, you know, there's these patterns, these behaviours that maybe I engage with that, you know, if it's going to go into a bad sort of area, X, Y, and Z are the ones that tend to I tend to engage with, and if I'm doing that, not good. But if the patterns don't include those things, and maybe it's includes um being excited about the next day, being able to get stuck into this new idea, but also acknowledging the need for sleep and being, you know, measured and and making the right decision, going to bed on time, because I know that Elliot, who's not tired, is a much better thinker and more productive. You know, if I have that sort of pattern developing and those other healthy, coping, sort of adaptive things, well then it's like, all right, maybe I can trust this, all right? But a lot of this is all about insight. I said a lot on this show, um, and I'll continue to say a lot of it, uh, and continue sorry to say this, you know, in ad nauseum infinity because it is so important that you've got to understand yourself, you've got to understand your own patterns, your own behaviors that you engage with, good or bad, um, the different cognitions and thoughts and emotions that may come in these moments, and you need to try and get that level of insight into your own psyche and how you operate, because if you can, then these um opportunities can be assessed properly and the right decisions made, and then you know, everything sort of builds from there. So it's very important to understand the self because no one else can understand you like you. And when you can understand yourself, that's when these anxieties around um this whole thing and how oh, you know, I can't be trusted, my judges are right. You know, if you really understand yourself and what you do, that empowers you and gets rid of that anxiety because it's like, hang on, no, I'm not anxious because I do know how I operate. Yeah, I do fall into the trap sometimes of doing this, this, and this, but I know that, and when I do it, I know when to pull back or I know when to give it my all. And that really nullifies that anxiety through knowledge. And knowledge is power, as they say, but insight is power, and insight is one of the best ways to keep these mental illnesses and these mental disorders in their place. Um, so all right, but the thing is, and this is where it gets quite tricky, and I'll admit, I am still not sure how this all works. I'm still investigating it as far as myself goes, but also the fundamentals that other people who think similar and have similar psychological makeups as me, those fundamentals, because the thing is being neurodivergent in particular, but you know, like some of the greatest things, the greatest ideas and you know world-significant events have been driven by you know this flair that comes with neurodivergency or a bit of that manic sort of you know, dust from bipolar. Like, you know, I think for example, Winston Churchill, right? Winston Churchill, manic depressive, as they call it back then, the black dog. All right, some of his best work is because he was manic at times. And they say, I've read a bit about Winston Churchill because you know he's someone who, despite some serious mental illnesses and difficulties, was able to achieve such amazing things. But they reckon, and I tend to agree from my readings, that partly the reason why he was able to identify first in Britain that the Germans and the Nazis were starting to arm themselves and we were headed towards either a resumption of the war or a new war, which it was World War II. Um, he was one of the very early politicians and leaders to see what was happening and what was going to happen if Britain and you know the French, the Allies, Australia down the track weren't able to, you know, do what they were doing. He was like, listen, guy, Lloyd George, I think was the Prime Minister at the time. He's like, Listen, mate, I know you're not gonna listen to me, but I'm telling you, you know, the Nazis are doing this, and this is what they're gonna do. So Churchill was very quick to identify what was what was eventually going to happen in Europe, and they say a lot of the reasons or the belief is that because he was manic depressive, though, in this case depressive, he had this negative disposition, this negative outlook, and that allowed him to notice things that other people weren't noticing. So, on one hand, you know, Winston Churchill being depressed, you know, what an outcome, you know, like that's amazing, how good, but and and then when he's been manic, Winston Churchill used to be in bed and he'd just write books and books and books and do all this amazing stuff and do it all so quickly. Like, you know, when he was manic, which technically wasn't a healthy mindset to be in, but some of his best work was done there, like some of his best work was done at the other end of the scale. And this is what is so difficult at times about mental illnesses, which is the fact that they do sometimes in a roundabout way, they actually do help. So, me, for example, Elliot, right? Me, I'm very I have a very, very negative view of the world, a very depressive disposition. Um, and that unfortunately uh is a burden I have to carry. But I do see, I'm not saying I'm Churchill, right? I'm not saying I'm Churchill, but you know, I do see the evils of the world where other people maybe, whether it's consciously or not, but uh ignorant to some of the things that are going on, you know, like a lot of people out there, you know, I walk down the street and I think they don't, you know, and this is me generalizing and stuff, but I don't know, I just get this feeling that the average person just doesn't understand how difficult some people unfortunately have it. That's a big part of the reason why I do this podcast, because I want people to know the the absolute horrific um mindsets that I have been in and that other people are in, and we need to acknowledge that this happens so we can help people. And I do think it's because of my depressive streak that I'm able to see areas where you know there needs to be more done where other people are uh a bit blind to it all, but then also when I really get inspired, you know, and it's probably I think a lot of this is the borderline personality, when my emotions are running hot, like in a good way, you know. Like, for example, the nights, the Newcastle Knights, all right. My I guess technically at times I go into hypermanic states with the nights where I'm unbelievably passionate and I do things which others just don't do. You know, I'm on TV all the time, the nights with me, big banner, pride of the hunter, you know. I'm very well known for it. And the reason I'm well known as a Newcastle Knights supporter is because I'm different. I go to that next level, whereas other people may not. And that and I don't know, people seem to love the fact that I am able to go to those next levels. I'm telling you, like it's BPD is a big part of what drives it, you know. Um, and technically, that's not healthy and it's not something I should be encouraging, but at the same time, that red-hot emotion, that that unbelievable, potentially maladaptive emotional intensity, but you know, it's actually turned out to be pretty good in certain situations. I was like, oh, well, you know, because I have always been worried that with medications, the idea for me has been to take the extremes out. But I didn't want to take the extremes out of my passions, like around mental health, my fixations, you know, the nights and stuff. So there are circumstances and contexts in which being a bit neurodivergent, having a bit more maybe going on, actually is a good thing and has allowed me to do things that maybe other people aren't able to do. So it's like, oh, I don't know, is this a good thing or not? It's hard, it's hard, and that's the whole point of this episode, which is it's so difficult to be able to assess your own ambitions and imagination and um this potential ability to conceptualize big systems broadly because you get to see more details than maybe other people do. So um, I guess in conclusion, on that point at least, I think it's not so much about killing the spark. I reckon it's more being able to understand it and then being able to understand where applying it is in your best interest and when maybe um applying it is not a good idea. So, you know, that's again that ties into that thought I was saying before about how you've got to learn to understand yourself, so then you are able to more objectively look at the bigger picture of your behaviors and emotions and cognitions and what it is you're actually thinking and trying to achieve. So you can go, all right, um, I'm actually going to encourage this because you know this is part of my neurodivergency, but you know, this is where it works, let's do it. Um, whereas sometimes maybe um it's good to know when to try and back off a little bit. So, right, so that there is a little bit of my thoughts around the difficulties that there is um when assessing if um you know those red-hot positive mindsets that are producing all these great ideas. Sometimes, yeah, it is you are full of great ideas, other times no, not really. Um, it's very difficult to assess sometimes, but by trying to understand yourself, then these things become clearer, which is great. So, yeah, so there you go. That's what I'm sort of contending with. So those ideas I spoke about before, the the poster thing, the directory. Um you know, let me know if you think that would actually be helpful. And if you think it'd be a waste of time, please let me know that too, so I don't waste my time. That'd be cool. So I'd appreciate that. But yeah, you know, there's a lot of things going on, and especially when there's multiple complex mental health disorders that are jocking for position and have their own flavor of mania or hypomania or or dysregulation. Um, it is hard to pry them apart and understand the whole. But you know, that is part of the challenge that um we have to try and um and try and try and succeed because um what happens then is you do allow yourself to breathe a bit more and maybe pursue those ideas and not be held back by the potential that all this could just be you know smokes and mirrors. And the only way to get that sort of clarity is to understand yourself, but man, it's not an easy task. All right, thank you everybody, Felicity. I do appreciate it. Now, listen, the next episode, the next episode is going to be the rest of these great ideas that I've come up with because they are specifically linked to the podcast, and I'm telling you, you don't want to miss it because this this show, this podcast, is about to undergo its biggest transformation, the biggest transformation ever. It's huge, and I don't know. I've been thinking about this idea a fair bit, and I've been sitting on it, I've been taking the time to understand and not rush in on things, but I think this is maybe one of those really good ideas that I need to throw myself into and use all that that emotion and just you know just go for it. So hang on, all right? That's the next episode. But if you've got some feedback about the ideas I've already spoken about, I would love to hear that. If you've got some ideas about the episode yourself and if that relates or if you present differently, or you know someone that's got similar things, let me know as well. That would be cool because this is a problem that is very common for those with mental health disorders. But you know, this is a human problem too. This happens to everybody to some degree. So, you know, hopefully this episode um relates to your experiences as well. So there you go. All right, thank you everybody for listening. I'll uh I look forward to to talking with you again soon about the big changes, the big the big uh revolution that's coming to the show. But until then, have a good one and I'll talk to you soon. See you later.