G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, let's get straight into it. Because I'm telling you, I'm having massive dramas still. Being able to get potty episodes completed to some sort of satisfactory level, and then being able to press publish. This is a huge problem that I am not completely sure why it's come about. I've got a few little theories which I'm gonna talk about, um, but I need to get through this because this lack of uploading episodes is dead set driving me insane. And if you listen to this show long enough, you would know that Elliot being driven insane by something is not a good thing, alright? It's not good. Anyway, alright, so to state the bleeding obvious, yes, there has been a bit of a break between episodes. Now, ordinarily, when this happens, I would come on here and say how you know, when things are not going great and I'm in a low mood or even slipped into a bit of a depressive episode, that that makes being able to publish episodes very, very difficult because you know, it makes sense, right? Feeling depressed. So, you know, my ability to accept that this podcast has value, that people listen, and that what I say matters to some degree, you know, it's hard to see that truth when everything is dark and grey and stormy. Um and when things are going quite well, then I'll be pumping out more episodes. And when I'm going hypermanic or manic, I'm doing a new episode every day. That's basically how it sort of works. Um, but that's not as much what's been happening this time, because except for one little event, which I'll talk about in a minute, overall the last couple of weeks, and it's been that long, it's been probably three, four weeks, probably a month almost, uh, maybe three weeks. Uh, but either way, I haven't been, you know, I haven't really been in that low depressing mood. So that's great. Tick, happy days, go Elliot, legend. How have I achieved that? Don't know. But anyway, whatever. We'll discuss that further on down the track. Now, let me just stop. I've got to do something. I've got to swallow, okay. Hang on. This swallowing thing, I've done it a few times, I don't know if you've noticed. Little pauses, because all I can think of, and my inner critic is just yelling at me, that every time I swallow, that people are gonna tune out, and it's you know, it's not what should be done here on the podcast, but that's the thing, see, the swallowing is the issue. I don't know where this has come from. I've got my theories, which I'm gonna talk about now, but this swallowing thing is I'm gonna have to do it again, probably because I'm talking about it. It's like it's a new tick or something, you know. Like, I don't know. I said in the pre-I think it was a previous episode, so long ago, um, that when I'm recording at the moment, I tend to have this feeling that people are watching, and that's true, and that's true right now, as I'm speaking to you right here, right now. Um, in some ways, in many ways, this feels as though I'm almost doing a live performance and that everybody is in front and everyone's watching me. Now, don't worry, I'm not going psychotic or anything. I'm not having delusions or hallucinations. I'm talking, though, as I have to swallow again, um, this, I don't know, this physiological response I'm having that traditionally, you know, this swallowing thing has happened when I've presented in front of a live audience for the Black Dog Institute, for example. Um, especially early on in my speaking career, this used to happen a lot. Um, I used to do this swallowing thing, and it used to be, I'm pretty sure, because of nerves, you know, I was anxious, stage fright almost. And I think that's what's happening here again. So what uh see, and obviously it's a lot worse when I'm thinking of it, but it's becoming a huge issue because my inner critic also believes it's a huge issue. Um, so that's why there haven't been any episodes essentially uploaded. There's a few other reasons, some better reasons, which I'll talk about shortly, um, which are pretty cool, um, in my opinion. But you know, to be honest with you, the main thing is this swallowing thing. Every time I try and record, and that's just about every day, I keep swallowing, swallowing, swallowing, swallowing through these episodes, and I have to stop and delete it because my inner critic just says, nah, that's rubbish, mate. Delete it because of these expectations I put on myself and on the show. Um, but the problem is then nothing gets published. So I'm now at the point where I'm like, you know what? Swallowing's fine. I'm embracing the swallowing because what is this podcast about? My lived experience and the lived experience of others when it comes to living with mental illness. What is a part of my mental illness, you know, presentation? Unfortunately, it is this swallowing thing because as I sit here right now, I'm thinking everyone's watching me, and I'm having a social anxiety response. You know, it's it's like everyone's watching me that you guys, I know you're not, but you know, just stick with it. You guys are watching me, negatively judging me, negatively appraising me, and as a result, I'm like, holy dolly, whoop, this is pretty scary. Run, run, run, and you know, swallow. I don't know why we swallow when we're nervous, but it seems to be a thing that we do, and let me tell you, it is a thing that I've been doing every single I'm not even putting this on, every single time I've tried to record, which has been just about every day over the last probably three weeks. So there you go. But I'm embracing the swallowing. It could be a new tick, it could be a new motor tick, I'm not sure. I really hope not, because I've not always been particularly good at being able to control these ticks. Um, and I really don't want this to become one because you know I am a podcaster and I also present to live audiences. Um, you know, I'm a keynote speaker. Like I need to get around this swallowing issue if I can. So there you go. But what I'm trying to do, at least for today's episode, I'm embracing the swallowing. Now, now, enough of that stuff. Why else haven't I provided some new material here on the show? Now we start getting into the better reasons, you know, the things that maybe are a bit frustrating, but have got some good, you know, some goodness behind them. So let's start with the most significant. Holy doolia, let's let's start with the most significant, and that is the hangover effect I feel as though I've probably had from winning the Young Alumni Award at the University of Newcastle. So that was and has been a great um a great moment in my career. It's it's the biggest award definitely I've I've uh received in my career. I haven't received too many, and this one's a pretty big one. So as you can imagine, it's been a bit of a head spin, and there's been a lot of things, a lot of engagements that I've attended, and a lot of things have come from winning the award. And there was a lot of, you know, I put a lot of pressure on it and a lot of significance on it, and it's because it is significant, but I did put a lot of pressure on leading up to it, you know, trying to battle with myself, um, you know, trying to accept the fact that maybe me, Elliot, could actually win an award like this because I don't know, maybe the things that I do have value. How good's that? What a great piece of validation. So, in a way, I guess um the intoxicating I don't know. I guess the award, I'm gonna talk more about the award in future episodes when I don't swallow as much. Um, because I don't think I've discussed it properly, and I want to talk about the significance that it has had and has for me personally, and there's a bit to that, and it's a bit more than just your usual, oh yeah, you know, hey, I'm a winner. You know, it's not like that. It goes deeper than that, at least it does for me. And I also believe more broadly that it's quite significant as far as lived experience is concerned. So I'm not gonna talk too much about that on this episode because I don't know how many swallows I've got left before I punch this microphone away from my face. But winning the award has been quite mind-blowing, and as a result, you know, I've uh I wouldn't say I've taken my eye off the prize, that's for sure. Um, because I straight away, you know, my I guess attitude towards it obviously is like I said, it's sort of the validation, and it's a great acknowledgement that says to me at least, Elliot, you're doing the right thing. Keep doing that. That has value, that has some sort of meaning to people, keep doing that. Um, and I haven't lost track of that, but you know, big awards, wearing a nice suit, meeting a lot of, you know, new people, some pretty big movers and shakers, and trying to pretend that I'm one of them, you know, it's been quite uh in a lot of ways it's been taxing. Um so yeah, so I think there's been a definite sort of hangover effect from that a little bit. Um, would I say I was overwhelmed? Yes, a little bit overwhelmed. Uh my social capacity did not handle it very well at all. Um, but you know, that's just part of the deal, isn't it? That's just part of Elliot. That's part of my lived and living experience. And it's those experiences and the insight that I guess I've been able to derive from it, which has helped win the awards. So, you know, long may my social capacity issues and my swallowing issues continue. Not really, but you get what I mean. So the alumni ward. I'm gonna talk more about that in a future episode, but not now, because I think I've got an you know, I've got X amount of words left before, like I said, maybe I delete and start again. But no, I am very committed to this ever I really hope the I really hope I get this public. My goodness. Seriously. Um, anyway, moving on. Um why else haven't I been able to publish? Well, more hangover effects. See, the good news is it's not from drinking, you know. I'm not really drinking at all. So I'm gonna start, I think, bringing back the beyond the bottle episodes because I'm not really drinking now. So I can bring that back. How good's that? Again, down the track. But when I'm talking about these hangover effects, I'm not talking about alcohol. So the next reason, or there's two, for my hangover effect that maybe has stopped me from being able to publish as many episodes as I would like, is the fact that my two favourite bands who have had unbelievable influence on my life have played in Australia within the last three weeks, that being Oasis and ACDC. So Oasis, huge well, both of them. I can't split them, you know. I can't split them. Now, this is what is also gonna happen. I'm gonna do an episode soon on the significance of Oasis and ACDC on my life. Like I said, the influence that they've had because it is such a huge influence. And look, to be honest with you, if I didn't have one of the two or both, well, if I didn't have both at different times of my life, you know, I reckon legitimately, and I know a lot of people say this, but this is true. I I reckon both Oasis and ACDC at different times have just about saved my life, and they deserve episodes or an episode devoted to them, and I'm sure they're so excited to hear what I'm gonna say about them. But, you know, this these two concerts in Sydney at a core stadium have been huge for me, and I've built them up for a long time, and they've had a lot of significance. And again, you know, my head's sort of been spinning, and and I've had this hangover effect because I've been driving to Sydney watching these shows and it's all happening. Holy dooly. So there might be a little bit of a hangover effect from them as well. So what I guess what I'm really saying is I've just been busy. I've had some stuff going on. Excuse me. Um, I've also uh over the last few weeks stay focused, Elliot. When I I refuse, I'm telling you, I'm not deleting. I don't care how rubbish the ending of this episode is, I am publishing it and I'm gonna be proud of it. So proud. Um, where was I? Uh also over the last couple of weeks. So not only have I had Oasis to look forward to and the massive event that that was, and then ACDC to look forward to and the massive event that was, I've gone from working three days a week back to full time. That is noteworthy. Um so that has been challenging in the fact that, you know, the reason I went to three days was because of the social capacity issues that I was having. I was hoping by dropping back to three days from this my role at Bunnings, which is very customer focused, which is difficult for me with my social anxiety and autism and all that sort of stuff. Um, I was hoping that by going back to three days a week, that would free up a bit of social capacity. Um, I could use that extra energy to focus on different areas and maybe I'd get a better balance going. What actually happened was I just got really, really stressed about finances and for good reason because I ran out of money. Um, and all I was doing was when I wasn't at work thinking how I should have been at work, and the anxiety around that was just uh yeah, too much. So I've made the decision to go back the full time, which is a good move financially. There's no two ways about it. Great move. Well done, Elliot. Social capacity, look, you know, it is what it is. It's not, it's not it is what it is, because that not trivializes it, but downplays the significance of this social capacity issue that I've got. Again, if you've listened to this show long enough, you would know, because I talk about all the time, how significant it is on my life, and it is a big, big problem. But I guess the anxiety around having no money did end up being worse than the social capacity issues, or at least I've decided that I need to make the five days work, at least in the short term, um, to get out of this financial hole so I can sort of let that go and then maybe look at the social capacity. But we'll see what happens because um I am hopefully pivoting towards a bit of a change in direction as far as my career goes. Um, but before I touch on that briefly, again, this is gonna be another episode. I am back to full-time work, which is good. Leading up to Christmas, it's busy. My goodness, it's busy. The Australian economy is pumping. GDP figures surely to end the year are going to be up because when Bunnings is making money, Australia is making money. But it is busy. Last year at Christmas, I promised myself I would never work another Christmas in retail again. Today, here I am, just like last winter when I said I would never work another winter starting at 5 a.m. in retail, driving a forklift unloading trucks again. Well, look, haha, jokes on me. I did that too. So, um, so yes, I am sticking it out full time, and I do feel a bit better about things because I have actually been able to pay off some debts, which is great. So now I feel as though I'm able to save for the future again. So I'm able to save some money to pay for things like certificates I want to get and some tickets and licenses and some upgrades of licenses. For example, low-key, heavy rigid to maybe heavy combination or multi-combination, even. And the fact that I am now able to sort of plan for those things again is quite motivating, and that is also helping with the stress that I do feel at work, which I do, and I've spoken about it quite freely here on the show. I I would never rubbish Bunnings at all because Bunnings has been so supportive as far as my mental health goes and everything else. You know, I've been there for almost 10 years, that's a long time. I'm only 35, only 35. Um, but you know, it's no secret that the the type of work with all that customer um facing focus is difficult for me. You know, I've got autism, I have social anxiety disorder, I've got ADHD, I've got a lot of other things as well. It's tough. Um, but at the same time, um, it is good to be able to go to work, focus on the fact that I'm building towards this future that I have in my head that every now and then I allow myself to sort of indulge and you know, try and build this life worth living, as they say. So back to full-time work, that is good news. It's not easy, it certainly isn't easy, but it's the right decision. Good things. Um, I did forget to mention something about ACDC and OASIS, and that is as well, you know. Again, if you've listened to the show long enough, you would know every now and then I like to talk about my vocal cords because for some unknown reason, one of my autistic fixations, I don't know if I've said it this openly on the show, but I don't care. One of my autistic fixations is voices, voices with character, deep voices. Uh, you know, I've always wanted that husky voice with lots of character. I have spent, you have no idea, hours upon hours in the wee hours of the morning just on Chat GPT, just going, how do I get a husky voice? How do I get more character in the timber of my tones? Actually, someone at work, all right. Hey, this episode's starting to start to get on a roll here, you know. So I haven't swallowed for a bit. This is good. I don't hang on. Okay, up until that point, I'll give myself a break there. Hey, this is good though. Uh, where was I? Yes, vocal cords. So um, someone at work actually just sad day, so you know what, Elliot? You do have a very unique voice. It's it's good, it's a nice voice to listen to. This was a male, unfortunately. Um, but oh no, that's I shouldn't say that. I'm happy anybody said it. Um, but oh man, this episode's a cracker. If you're still listening at this point, by the way, we're almost at 20 minutes. You are a trooper, and let me know, and I'll send you a free sticker or something. I'm getting stickers made again, I'll send you a sticker. All right, what was I saying? Okay, forget about yes, vocal cords, autistic fixation. I've done a lot of research into them. Not going to talk about that now. What I am gonna say is ACDC Oasis. You can imagine me at these concerts, and I'll talk about this in a future episode soon. I am there giving it everything. So my voice, it's still a bit hoarse today. ACDC was three, four days ago, and my voice is still a bit hoarse. Thankfully, my hearing is back to normal, although no regrets at all. It was unreal, both of them. Um, but my vocal cords have been pretty strained over the last couple of weeks. Days also another reason why it's been taken so long to do an episode. All right. Alright, let's um let's wrap this up. Let's let's get I am so happy though. Seriously, you should see me, even though I'm a matching role watching me right now anyway. Got a big grin on my face. This is great because this episode, finally, this is gonna actually get out there. Do you know what a relief that is? Unbelievable. So moving forward, um oh, one thing I forgot too. So I did have a little session with the sweats, that's right. In between Oasis and ACDC, the weekend in between, I had the sweats, and that was really rough. And that was rough because it was a bit worrying in the sense that this the sweats were very physical. Don't get me wrong, the anxiety was there, the panic was there, and that's what drove it all. But you know, there was more to it than just sort of the cognitions behind it. It was more physical, and I've got to be careful because I think my medication mix may be causing me some difficulties when it comes to body temperature regulation. I've noticed that at work a bit as well. Australia, Newcastle, New South Wales, Australia. We're going into summer. It's gonna be hot, it's gonna be human here in Newy. And I have had troubles before in the past with medications as far as temperature goes. Uh, a Lanzepine being the big one there that jumps out straight away, which is known for doing those sorts of things. Not on a Lanzepine now, but as we know, I'm on plenty more. So that's something I have to investigate. But I fed income, I overheated big time. It was real bad. Like physically, it was real bad. Um, so there you go. So I've got to look at that as well. So unfortunately, I am still having those episodes where you know, two days in bed, sleeping most of the time, just absolutely exhausted. And then when I do wake up properly, this panic just kicks in, and all of a sudden I am I'm struggling big time. So, yes, that has happened again too. Not good, but anyway, you know, it is what it is. Move on, but I will be investigating further about this whole body temperature thing because it was a little bit different, it was a little bit different. Um, but I will talk about that in another future episode. Uh, very quickly, moving forward. Um, well, I'm gonna tell you in a minute some of the episodes that are coming because my inability to do episodes has not been because of a lack of content. There is so much content coming. So there's an episode going to be called Manchester Madness, which is all about my massive, massive downward spiral after my student exchange in the United Kingdom. I haven't spoken much about this period of my life before. Let me tell you this this is when I finally discovered I had BPD. Huge, massive. So that's coming. I've got more Psych Ward stories episodes to come. There's heaps of them. I just need to get them down. I I've been thinking of a lot recently about my time in psychiatric wards. I'm hoping that that has sort of come to an end. But a lot of memories have popped up and I think they're really, really significant. So I am looking forward to um telling you a couple of stories from the psych wards that I've been on. Uh, there's going to be an episode titled Weaponized Autism. This one is going to be fueled by anger because it appears somebody is waging war against me and all the posters I've been putting up around Newcastle. And let me tell you, whoever it is, it could be the council, it could be the uh Newcastle City Council. And if it is, I want you to reach out, okay? Because weaponized autism can achieve some pretty big things, and you don't want it pointed at you, all right? Whoever it is, fair warning. Anyway, that's coming. Um there's the QA sessions, which I promise are also coming. Again, people have messaged in some questions, and I hope I've been able to reply in some sort of detail that does answer it a bit. The idea is that I'll be answering these questions on the show, and that is still the plan. So even if I have responded to you and I have answered what it was, excuse me, that you asked, I am still going to do it on the show. And I'm sure I'll come up with more things as I'm talking about it. So stay tuned for that. Retroactive jealousy, it's coming as well. Gotta be in a certain frame of mind to make that one happen because that's there's a lot of trauma associated with retroactive jealousy, unfortunately. But that's gonna tie in really nicely, I think, with the Manchester Madness episode and intake interviews, they're coming, got people lined up, it's gonna be good. All right, I've done enough blabbing, I've done enough swallowing. This is not my greatest effort or my greatest piece of output as far as I'm concerned for the show. And although, let me tell you, my inner critics just like delete, do it again, you can do better. Nope, it's not happening. This one is going out there. What was interesting was I don't know if you've noticed, you probably didn't even notice me swallowing anyway, but you know, maybe if I stopped talking about everything, it'll be fine. But what I did notice a bit was that the longer this episode went on, the less, the more and more talking I was doing, and the less and less swallowing. So that's a good sign. Dunno. Maybe there's something in that. Anyway, all right. That's enough. That's enough from me. Uh thank you everybody for listening. I do appreciate it. If you are enjoying the show, of course, please. You can like the show, you can subscribe, that'd be pretty cool. And you can rate the show because that'd be great for the algorithm. In particular, five stars, please. That'd be great. Thank you. Uh, you can also follow me on Instagram at elliott.t.waters. You can follow the show on Facebook. I'm now pumping out a bit more content on there as well. There's plenty more coming on there by searching the dysregulated podcast. And soon, very soon, the podcast will be making its debut on YouTube. Now, don't get too excited. That does not mean I will be videoing me doing these recordings, at least not yet. I need to get over this phobia, this social phobia thing I've got going on, um, feeling as though everybody's watching. Because you can imagine what would happen if I stuck a camera in front of me and I'm trying to make eye contact to the camera, even though I'm autistic, so I can't stand eye contact. I'm imagining there's, you know, all my listeners, which is, you know, hundreds of thousands of people. Please vote, please rate the show, everybody. All right. Um, but you know what I mean? Like if I've got a camera stuck in front of me and I'm imagining everybody's down the lens watching, which is essentially what sort of happens, I need to be past this swallowing thing. So just hold your horses. Um, but YouTube is coming. At first, it's just gonna be audio, but down the track for sure, 100% video stuff as well, but one step at a time. All right, thank you everybody for listening. Holy duly, this episode's actually gonna get published. That's unreal. Is it top quality? No, but at this point, do I care? Not really. All right, see you later, everybody. Goodbye.