G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Tell you what, guys, I'm getting sick and tired of doing that intro. Don't worry, I don't mean like generally I'm getting sick and tired of it. Um, that's not true. The intro is amazing and is probably the best part of the show, let's be honest. That's what people are listening for. The intro, once the intro is done, that's it, everyone turns off. Um, the problem is I'm having massive amounts of difficulty at the moment being able to record and publish episodes for the podcast. Uh, and if you've noticed there's been a drop-off in the amount of content I've been putting out, you would be correct. There has been a drop-off, but certainly isn't because I've lost the motivation to do this or the inspiration. That's not true at all. I just am encountering a lot of barriers to me being able to produce a recording that I'm happy with and then to be able to publish it. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. Excuse me. Um, which wasn't the original plan. So what I'm going to do first, because I've thing is I've been so the origin okay, come on, Elliot. Stay on a linear path. So I originally wanted to talk about something positive and really, you know, something worth celebrating on this episode, and that is that last week uh I was awarded the young alumni of the year at the University of Newcastle. If you've got me on social media, you would have seen a bit about it. Um, great honor, and I'm so I'm so thrilled that Lived Experience is not only being acknowledged for its value, but celebrated as well. So that's what I wanted to talk about today, but I just can't get it out. I just keep repeating over and over again. It's never good enough. Just deleting things, recording again, deleting. It's an absolute nightmare. Like, this is nothing new. This happens every now and then. Um, but this has now been happening every day consistently for probably a month now. Um, so a month for a month, every day I sit down and I just try and try again to record and be happy enough with it and to publish it so I can release a little bit of the pressure that is building every time I do a draft recording, delete it, and start again. So when I say I'm sick of doing the intro, I'm sick of doing it like 50 times every day as I'm trying to get one good recording and then not coming up with anything anyway. So that's what I mean. Because it's so difficult at the moment for me to get anything out and it's doing my head in. I'm going insane, which is ironic. I get the irony, um, but seriously, like it's driving me up the wall because there's a lot of I put a lot of I do put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to this show because um, you know, like I said, the motivation, inspiration is well and truly still there, it's as high as it's ever been. Um and I think that's almost part of the problem because I'm trying to be too perfect, maybe, in what I'm producing, and that's never been what the show's all about, you know. I take pride in the fact that this show um has, you know, some rough edges to it, because in my opinion, that better represents the material and the content I'm trying to cover anyway. Um, you know, like my whole life is full of rough edges, so you know, it makes sense that the podcast would be a bit like that as well. And that's part of my guarantee to you, which is that it's the most honest, genuine, real, and faired income uh podcast on all of the internet. So that's part of the deal. Um, but I think I've lost control when it comes to being able to control um my expectations around this sort of stuff, and as a result of trying to aim for some sort of perfection, what I'm ending up with is nothing recorded, and that's a hell of a lot worse than me stumbling over a word or two, surely. But at the same time, it's almost like there's this compulsion that whenever I make this slight little mistake, that I have to delete the recording and start again. And I don't even know if these little mistakes are actually like real, you know. Like what I'm referring to, I guess, is me stumbling over words and not being clear or as clear as I'd like to be. Um, but I don't know if that's actually true. Because, you know, I've asked this question at work before, I've said it on here as well, that sometimes when I'm at work and my meds are sort of coming on at once, I feel as though I'm not able to talk as clearly as normal. And I've asked people, you know, have you noticed anything? Have you noticed me not saying words, you know, properly and not being able to get my sentences to flow and and everyone, unless they're just being nice, but everyone hasn't noticed, they don't notice. They're like, What are you talking about? You're fine. So it could well be the same sort of thing again, but whatever it is, it doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that I just keep repeating myself over and over and over again, just trying to get something done. It's been like this for a month, and it's really wearing me out, guys. It really is because I've got such great material ready to go, you know. It's not writer's block. I don't have writer's block. I was thinking that at work, I was on the forklift earlier. I was like, why is it that I'm not able to get these episodes recorded? What's the story? You know, I thought about the writer's block thing. I was like, nah, it doesn't really apply because I've got heaps of material and content, and it's all awesome stuff that you'd only find on this podcast. I just need to be able to record it and get it out to you so you can listen far out. This has always been a difficult process. It's never been easy doing these episodes because of that inner critic that's constantly in my ear, you know, telling me that whatever I'm doing is not good enough. Um, but most of the time I'm able to push past that and eventually get something out. It may take a few times, a few goes, but usually I get there. But unfortunately, lately I haven't been able to get it done. Maybe this recording, I don't know. This recording, so far we're going for six minutes. Um, most of them tonight I probably would have stopped and deleted by now. Or there was a little slip up. Come on, Elliot. Speak clearly, see pressures on. This could be the episode. Um, one other thing too before I continue. I if if I do repeat things on this episode, if I repeat stuff I've already said, say at the start of the episode and I've forgotten and I've repeated it again, please just ignore that part. Because, like I said, I've done so many drafts and so many run throughs and recordings that I can't remember what I've said. Everything's just a blur, it's just all coming out. So if I do repeat myself, I'm sorry. Um, but I guess that's part of the lived experience, isn't it? That's that's part of the genuine, honest, fed income, you know, guarantee that I have for this show is that it's it looks at mental health in all its glory and also in the parts that maybe aren't as celebrated for good reason. Um, and part of that could be me repeating myself, I don't know. Anyway, let's move on. Um, so yes, so I wanted the to do, excuse me, the alumni episode, but that's gonna have to wait, so I'm doing this one instead. Now I want to try and describe what what's going on because it is, you know, it is clear that this is for the most part anxiety driven. Yes, there's the expectations I've put on myself and the show for sure, and there's anxiety that's associated with that, and that's definitely playing a role. Definitely. Um, there's no two ways about that. Um, but what I'm finding, which is interesting but also really not helpful, is that when I'm recording at the moment, it's like I'm speaking in front of a live audience. Now I've done plenty of you know speaking engagements in front of live audiences. I've been lucky enough to present to lots of schools and community groups, and it's you know, it's it's not easy either. That's also a very difficult process that hasn't gotten easier over the years, but at the same time, you know, I'm able to do it and I think I do a decent job. But when I record for the podcast at the moment, it's like I've got this audience in front of me. So there's this pressure, this extra, you know, this nervousness I'm getting because I'm imagining myself, even though I'm trying not to, the fact that I'm in front of, you know, 150 people and they're all looking at me, wanting to hear what I'm about to say. And that is quite anxiety provoking. Um, which, you know, a little bit of anxiety is alright because it keeps you on your toes and and nerves are important because it means you're doing something that's significant to you. Um, but at the same time, I don't think it's logical or rational that I'd be sitting here um recording an episode for the podcast and and feeling as though I'm doing it in front of a packed house. You know what I mean? Like I'm not, I'm doing it in front of my laptop, you know, like what's going on there. So I need to find a way to sort of unravel that that image that I'm getting every time I sit down and record because I get really nervous, and as a result, you know, maybe I do make a mistake here or there, or or the nerves and the anxiety gives me this perception that I'm making these mistakes, and then as a result, I delete it because I'm embarrassed. All these people listening must think I'm just hopeless and are negatively appraising me and judging me, so I better start again. Um you know that that that's not helpful because there's no audience in front of me, and all it's doing instead of you know sharpening my focus and making me produce the best material I can, it's actually drowning me under the waves, the ocean of expectations and anxiety, and I'm not able to get anything published, and that's worse because me not getting things published makes me very agitated and frustrated and angry because the podcast, this is again to do with the expectations I suppose I have on it, but you know, the potty to me is like it's my way out of my life that I don't particularly enjoy at the moment. Um, it's through the podcast and who I'm meeting through the potty and the work that I'm doing in mental health. That's what's gonna get me, you know, to the places I want to be. So the podcast is important and I need it to be successful or at least as successful as possible, or at least doing the right things for it to be successful. You know, I can't just force people to listen, but I do have control over, I guess, the way I approach it and how I approach it in the episodes that I am able to get across the line. So when I'm not publishing episodes, it it you know, you know me, I spiral so quickly to all of a sudden, you know, I'm not worthy, I'm inadequate, I'll never get anywhere, you know, I'm hopeless, just give up now. You know, and all those thoughts just come flooding in. Because that's the thing. When I'm anxious, I think this probably goes for everybody, but when I'm anxious, that fuels a lot of those negative um constructs and concepts in my mind, you know. Let's say the inner critic is the big one. So when I'm anxious about these recordings, the inner critic gets louder and louder, and it's hard not to listen when the inner critic is so certain that whatever I'm doing is rubbish. Um, so the anxiety amplifies that negativity. And I haven't been able to get the anxiety dialed down enough where it doesn't fuel the inner critic to a level that makes me keep deleting things over and over and over again. So that's the problem I've got. I've got heaps of material, I've got great content coming. There is no shortage of that at all, but I'm having huge difficulties being able to record episodes for the show. And as I said, this has been going on for the best part of a month. Every day I sit down and I just try and try to get across the line, and I just have not been able to do it. Although this episode has now gone 13 minutes, this could be the one. This could be the one. Um, so very quickly, so with the anxiety stuff as well, like it's causing dry mouth real bad, which which I get when I present in front of an audience, and now I'm getting it recording on the podcast right now, for example. So dry mouth's a big problem because then I feel as though I stumble over words and then I have to delete and start again. You know, the the whole um the whole cycle begins again. But yeah, this realization that the anxiety is mimicking the anxiety I get when I'm presenting for like the Black Dog Institute, that was pretty, you know, that was a bit of a oh yeah, light bulb moment. But now the key is to try and find a way to get around that. So I don't have this dry mouth, I don't have this perception that I'm not doing a very good job and that I should be deleting the recordings because they're all garbage. I need to get away from that somehow. Um, but posting and publishing this recording, if we get to the finish line, definitely is going to help. So the reason I'm in my car, I don't know if I actually covered this off. The reason I'm in my car is because I'm trying again to get away from this idea that people are watching. So when I've recorded in my car in the past, it's been to get away from people potentially listening. And I'm doing the same thing now, at least that's what I'm trying. And it's sort of working. It is working a bit, but again, I don't want to have to always record in my car. I want to be comfortable enough to be able to do it back at home, you know, like I have traditionally done it in the car every now and then's okay, but not too much. Um, so I need to figure out a way to get away a way to get away from this idea or this feeling that I'm presenting in front of an audience when I'm not, and to get rid of the anxiety because it doesn't make sense, it's not rational or logical, and it needs to go away. Um, but it's true that the more episodes or the days that I miss, episodes I miss and don't get published, the pressure builds and builds and builds, and then the inner critic is very happy with that and is able to then use that as you know evidence of its own kind that I'm not worthy and not up to it and that I should just sort of give up. So, you know, I want to stay away from that. I want to so I've got to get away from all this anxiety so I can be freed up, so I can record and publish and record and publish instead of record, delete, record, delete. Um, because then I'll feel so much happier about things because I'm actually able to get these episodes done. That's empowering, that's a huge weight off my shoulders, and the pressure is released somewhat. Um, there's always going to be pressure, like I've sort of alluded to earlier. There's always going to be pressure because I do take this mental health stuff very, very seriously. And I want to do a good job because lived experience, whether it's mine or whether it's someone else's, but you know, lived experience as a concept is so vital, I think, to you know, our communities moving forward. And I take, you know, I take on a big responsibility, I suppose, with the work that I'm doing to try and um you know be at the at the front of the pack, I guess, trying to create change in the community. So I take this stuff very seriously, but I do need to keep a lid on it a little bit because you know, there's no point me putting all these pressures and expectations on myself so much that that no episode will ever get published again because no episode will ever meet the standards that I've set. Like, you know, not publishing at all is worse than doing a not a very good job on one or two episodes, you know. Like that's the commitment that I've given to you guys that this is going to be the most fed income, legitimate, you know, honest, real account of mental health that there is on all the internet. Um, that's the guarantee, and I stand by that. And for me to be able to, you know, come through on my promise there, I need to be able to get these episodes published so you guys can listen and then we can really, you know, create something moving on. So this episode today was not about um this was not the plan. The plan was to talk about the alumni award. Um, but that will be the next episode because I'm thinking this one might almost be done, which means I reckon this is actually going to get published. I have no idea if I've repeated stuff, if I've left stuff out. I got no idea. Everything's just blending into one. But all I know is that my inner critic on this recording hasn't been strong enough to make me think that I need to uh to press that delete button. So I don't know, maybe I should stop the episode now so it's done and I can get it published, and maybe we can move on with our lives, or at least I can, and get on to some better episodes which are a bit more positive and a bit more motivating, and that is the Alumni Award, because I've got lots to talk about with that, because it's my greatest achievement in my career so far, and I want to tell you all about how exciting it is to have won the awards. So let's hope now that I don't press the delete button out of um uh you know, just because I've been pressing it all night, that I press it again because I think this recording is gonna be enough. I think this is gonna be enough and it's gonna get across the line. So thank you everybody for listening. Thank you for getting through this episode. It's been quite difficult and it's been you know, it's been weeks in the making, I suppose, and this isn't even the one that I was planning on doing. Um, so you should see how good that one is. Um, but thank you for listening through this episode. It is a bit all over the shop, you know, it's it's not very linear. I've sort of wrapped around in circles. I've got a bad feeling I've forgotten some important details, but really it doesn't matter because this is this is lived experience, you know. I'm living it as we speak. You know, I'm anxious, I've got the dry mouth, I'm worried I'm not speaking properly. I feel like I'm talking in front of a huge or huge audience, excuse me. Um, you know, this is lived experience, it's not all pretty. In fact, a lot of it's not pretty, but this is as real as it gets. As I said, that's my commitment to you, and that is what this episode is all about. This is one of the ugly ones, but you gotta have the ugly ones to be able to then produce the good, lovely, colorful, awesome ones. Anyway, that's enough yapping. Um, because I am in the car park at work. I don't know if I said that part. Who cares, even if I did or I didn't, doesn't matter at this point. But I think security's coming around because it's now like 2.30 in the morning. So I probably should get going home anyway, get to sleep and get this episode uploaded. Thank goodness. Thank you everybody for listening. I do appreciate it. The next episodes. Well, now that I've got this one out of the way, I'm telling you, they're all just it's when it rains, it pours, they're all comfy, trust me. All right, I'll stop there. Thanks everybody, have a good one, and I'll see you next time here on the Dis Regulated Podcast.