G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Disregulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Right, today's episode has been unbelievably difficult to get out there. Um, Fair Dinkham, seriously, I have been battling this whole perfectionism thing, this imposter syndrome thing, and this inner critic thing all week, and it is driving me insane because I have just been it's I've been on a loop. I just record, delete, record, delete, record, delete, don't publish anything. The last episode I was talking about this whole perfectionism thing, um, and if anything, this week's gotten a lot worse. So I just can't, I don't know, I just can't record and just get it done. I always find some little thing, something that I don't like, and then I delete everything. So this episode I'm doing right now, this wasn't part of the plan, you know. This this material that I'm talking about, um, I'm doing that because I'm trying to do an episode that I can be not so pressured about, lower those expectations a little bit, and just get it done, you know, just get it done, get one in the bag, um, so then I can move on. It's a bit like when I was at uni, you know, like I'd be given assessments and you know, I'd do the assessment, but I'd do it slowly to begin with because I didn't really want to, you know, look at it because when I looked at it, there was anxiety involved. Who wants to do that? So I used to put it off, put it off, put it off, and then it would get to the point where it was due that night, so I'd do it all in a day, and um it would be very much subpar. I was gonna say not up to my standards, but to be honest, this happened so often that it probably was up to my standards, but it was subpar, and I knew that as I was submitting it. Um, I used to even say to friends and stuff who I was studying with and be like, oh well, you know, at least she's in, it's not my best work, that one. Um, and that used to happen a lot, and that's essentially what this episode right now is doing. That's the function I guess it's carrying out, which is for me to just get it in and then I can move on, you know, and then I can try and record these other episodes without that extra layer of anxiety and pressure around the fact that I haven't maybe uploaded as recently as I would like to. So, but this has been going on all week. Um, excuse me. I'm back. It's been going on all week, in particular the last three days. So I've had the last three days off from work, then my days off, which has been good, and I've spent hours every day, hours in the saddle, hours at the computer, behind the microphone, just trying everything to be able to get these episodes done, to be confident in what I'm doing, to put myself into a position where I do feel as though I'm able to produce something good, um, and I just haven't been able to make it happen for a variety of reasons. Um, I've got written here, because I wrote some notes, again, I want this episode to be easy enough to record so I can just get on with it and move forward. So I've written down some notes, which I don't always do, and I've written here um some of the issues I've had with being able to record or reasons why I haven't maybe been as happy with the recordings as I'd like to be. And I've got written here dry mouth and tripping over words and um needing to swallow all the time. I've even got environmental noise, dogs and cars. Um, you know, look, none of those things are new. Uh, and although I've written them down as the issues, let's be honest, that's not the issue. The issue isn't dry mouth, although that is frustrating. Um, the issue is this uh how do I put it this perception of the self that I'm um uh incapable of doing a good job, or I guess my efforts are not worthy. Um, you know, it's all it's not physical like dry mouth, although that makes things a little bit difficult, but that's not the reason. The reason has been psychological. Again, it's the poor self-esteem, the imposter syndrome, all that sort of stuff, inner critic, this perfectionism, you name it, if it's psychological, I've got it, and that's what's happening here. So um it's not as simple as just dry mouth, because I've I've I've had dry mouth washes, you know, mouthwash to fix it, and this needing to swallow stuff like that. It's all related really to anxiety, and a lot of the anxiety is coming from the fact that I don't view myself as being capable, well capable in general, let's just leave it at that. But essentially, or especially in this case, capable of producing material that has value and that will be meaningful to my listeners, which are you amazing legends. So, my apologies if I haven't been as um, I don't know, as uh what's the word, I haven't been as prolific as maybe we would like. It's not through lack of trying though, that's for sure. Um, like this room where I'm recording, uh, it is just it is so hot because it's coming into summer here in Australia, it's it's spring at the moment, just before my birthday, but it is boiling here in Newcastle at the moment. Um, and in this room, I'm telling you, the carpet's just stained with my sweat, it's everywhere. I've been trying so hard to get this episode out. Um, that's not entirely true, but it is true. I've been sweating so much in this room, it's been really quite uncomfortable because it's just so hot, but at the same time, I'm not really allowing myself to leave this chair until I've got something done, and that's been the story over the last couple of days, um, and it's not been particularly enjoyable, and that's a bit of a problem, you know. What I've noticed with the last couple of episodes I've done, probably the last four or five, um, it has very much felt not quite like a chore, but the process has not been as enjoyable as it once was. Um, it's becoming more and more difficult, if anything, over time to produce these episodes than getting easier. You'd think it'd be getting easier, you know, because I'm used to it. You know, I got runs on the board, um got some muscle memory around this sort of stuff. I know how it works. Let's just get in there and boom, like a seasoned professional, get some great content out there. But unfortunately, the last couple of episodes, it's been getting more and more difficult, and I've been feeling less satisfaction from them when I've pressed the publish button. Um, so I'm hoping that hasn't, you know, that negative tone hasn't filtered into the tone of the episodes themselves. Um, but it has been a little bit more challenging. And once again, you know, this is all psychologically based. It's not about dry mouth, it's about the fact that I don't believe I'm doing a good enough job and that I'm not capable of doing a good enough job. That's the problem. Um, so anyway, but like I said, it's not through lack of trying, and it's certainly these episodes haven't been flown because of lack of um material. I've got heaps of material. There's so many episodes ready to go, I just need to sit down and get them recorded, you know. Like there's this big bottleneck that has formed over the last probably three months. Um, we there's all these episodes in the pipeline that I just can't get out um quick enough to be able to sort of keep up with the ideas that my brain is throwing at me. A lot of them are actually half decent, um, but I just can't get them down onto recording, and then that builds, the pressure builds, and then the more the pressure builds, the less likely I am to actually be able to complete an episode and get it published. So the bottleneck gets worse because I've just thought of two great ideas for episodes, but I can't even get the one from two weeks ago out yet, you know, and the pressure builds, and then all of a sudden I'm in freeze mode because it's all too much, and then it gets worse. You know, you know how it works. You've been on this journey with me long enough, you know how my anxiety um does its best essentially to smother me and just just pin me down, and then I'm not able to move, and the inability to be able to do whatever it is that I need to be doing makes it worse until there's a big explosion, and then something happens, something explodes, and I break free somehow, usually in a way that's not particularly helpful or positive. Often it's maladaptive in the past. That would be you know substance abuse, but not so much anymore, which is good. Um, anyway, that's going a little bit off topic, but yes, there is a bottleneck, so don't worry, there's some episodes that are absolute crackers, I reckon, um, that are coming up soon. Two of them, um, two of them I've been trying to do this week. So one of them is the new or the latest My Therapy Reflections episode because I've been to my psychologist this week. Um, that's going to be really good because um it's it's gonna be, I don't know, it's gonna be enlightening, I think, about the different flavours of me, you know, the different identities that I sort of assign to myself. This is one of the first times I've actually brought it up in therapy. I brought it up here on the show before, but I haven't usually I I don't usually bring it up in therapy. There's usually other things I'll talk about, but it's all linked, it's all linked to BPD. It's going to be great. I just need to be able to get in the frame of mind to publish it. And the other episode that I've been trying to do this week in particular is one uh called Till Summer Comes Around, because summer is on its way here in Australia. Um, and that means a few things, some positive things definitely, but there's some negatives that I've got to keep an eye out for as well. Um, and that episode's gonna really go into uh some body image stuff, um, my self-esteem or lack of self-esteem. You know, there's a bit to go through on that too, which I think will be very good. That episode, well, well, both of these episodes really are me in a very vulnerable state, and I'm excited to be able to produce them because I think the insights that will be contained in both and the other ones I've got lined up too. I don't know, I really think they are the sort of episodes, or these are the sort of episodes, not this one by the way, this one's just the filler, but the other episodes I'm talking about, they're the ones I think that separates my show, this show, from maybe some other ones, I reckon, because they will be very vulnerable um episodes indeed, and I'm pretty keen to get them out there, but you know, I've got to get this whole, I don't know, this whole imposter syndrome stuff. I need to at least compartmentalize it so I can get episodes done, then it can do its thing. It just needs to go away while I get these done. So anyway, I might leave it at that. Thank goodness um I've been able to get this done. This is a huge relief already. Um I've got a big smile on my face. I'm sitting up straight already. The monkey's off my back. How good is it? Um, but the next episodes, I'm telling you, they're gonna be crackers. So I'm gonna I'm gonna enjoy this moment because it is like midnight um on a weekday because I've been doing this all day trying to get this out. Um, I'm going to enjoy this for for tonight and then also tomorrow, and then if I feel up to it, I'm gonna try and record one of those two episodes tomorrow afternoon because they're right there. It's right there on the tip of my tongue, and I've probably already recorded it without any problems, but I've deleted it because my perception maybe was a bit cloudy. Hopefully, now my perception um will be a bit clearer because a bit of the pressure has been released just about now as I publish this episode. All right, thank you everybody for listening. I do appreciate it. Thank you for treading water with me with this filler episode. I appreciate that. Um, if you're enjoying the show, of course, you can like, subscribe, you can give the show a great rating because it's good for the algorithm. And you can share this show around with your mates, and you can follow me on Instagram at elliott.t.waters, and you can follow the show on Facebook by searching for the Disregulated Podcast. All right, thank goodness it's done. Unbelievable. Thank you everybody for listening and see you soon for a new episode, a new big revealing vulnerable episode of the Disregulated Podcast.