G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Dis Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Right, today's episode is going to be short and sweet because let me tell you, I have had an absolute gut full. I'm annoyed, I'm angry, I'm extremely frustrated, and I've been blowing up deluxe the last couple of weeks because of my inability to be able to sit down, record a podcast episode for this show, be happy with what I've produced, and then publish it for you guys to listen to and hopefully get something out of it as well. I just have not been able to get these episodes done. So if you've noticed that there's been a bit of a drop-off as far as new material and new episodes is concerned, you'd be correct. Um, but I do want to say it's not because I've run out of things to say that he's not true. I've got so much to say, especially about mental health man. So much to say. So that's not the issue, and it certainly isn't because my passion for the field for this, you know, this realm has faded at all. It has not faded. Um, the autistic fixation I have for mental health and psychology and all of that is as strong as ever, don't worry. So that's not the reason either. The reason is because there's been this re-emergence of an old foe of mind, although this old foe never really goes away, but um unfortunately it's been very powerful in its words and its influence um the last couple of weeks, uh, and has made producing these episodes near impossible, and it's also had a friend along for the ride as well. So, what I'm talking about first off is the inner critic, the old inner critic. If you've listened to this show at all, you would know that the inner critic is a big part of my life and how it's manifested itself and how I think and behave and the emotions that I feel. The inner critic is a big part. But, you know, through lots of work, lots of therapy and you know, other things, I've been able to somewhat push it in the corner or at least, you know, dial it down a bit so it's you know, it's not as loud in my ears, you know, running me down and telling me I'm doing things wrong or I'm not good enough and all that sort of stuff. Um, you know, that stuff's still there, but it's sort of tucked away in the corner. Been pretty good at you know putting it in the corner and just ignoring it. Um, but I don't know, for some reason over the last couple of weeks, it has come back in a big way and is really causing some distress for me, that's for sure. Um, especially too, because as I say, it's got a friend along for the right as well. Now you might have heard of this concept, it's this idea of perfectionism. So, you know, it makes sense that the inner critic and perfectionism, they sort of go, you know, hand in hand, you know, like a marriage made in hell, um, certainly making my life difficult. Um, but it's um but the thing is again, I I don't know where the perfectionism stuff has come from either. You know, it's not like I've done something and I've been told all this negative feedback, like you know, that there's been no negative feedback, quite the opposite, really. Um, you know, that I don't know what's caused this. I don't know. My medications have been stable, my sleep's been a bit all over the shop, but you know, again, if you've listened to the show, you know that that's pretty normal for me. Um, yeah, so I don't know, like I don't know what's sort of changed in my world to bring this intensity of negative cognitions and thoughts and emotions and then behaviours or lack of. Um I'm not sure where this has come from, but it doesn't really matter because at the end of the day, it's here and I've got to confront it and I've got to find a way to nullify you know its influence and get back on track. Um, but you know, it's it's interesting though, this whole perfectionism thing. So what so how it's what's happened, this is how it's manifested itself and how um the inner critic has used it as leverage to get back at me. Um because what's happened is my expectations have gone way up. Um so all the way up to perfect. Um, so you know, unless I am able to produce an episode that is perfect at the moment, um, I have great difficulty in being able to acknowledge that it's not perfect, but it's still valuable and deserves publishing. Um so that's what the inner critic's done. It's pushed all, you know, it's raised the bar to a level that's unattainable. Um, and therefore, when I've been trying to do these episodes, um I've fallen short of the mark because, you know, it's unattainable and there's no such thing as perfect. Um, but that's what the inner critic expects, and it's been powerful enough to um make me expect that as well, and that if it doesn't produce itself, if I put in lots of effort but it's not quite perfect, well that hasn't been good enough recently. Um, and that's not good. But there's an extra, you know, sort of layer to all of this um that I think's interesting, um, which is the fact that the imperfections of this show, of me and what I bring to the show, um, I think the imperfections actually help um with this podcast and has helped make it as successful as it has been. Um, because there's nothing perfect about mental illness. Um, there's nothing perfect about life, you know, real life. Um things go wrong, things aren't as they should be, you know, like, you know, all of that stuff. There's imperfections all around us. And um for somebody who's dealing with mental health concerns, um, there's imperfections inherent um in that. You know, you can't separate the two. That's just part of the deal. Um, so that's why I think it's interesting because the imperfections of this show I think adds to it in a very good way and adds to the relatability of the content that I'm I'm putting out there. Um because this isn't, you know, the most fancy, shiny podcast on the internet. You know, I don't have the world's most expensive equipment, I don't have people that edit the episodes. Um, you know, I just do one take and hope for the best often, except obviously lately I haven't been able to think like that, but whatever. Um yeah, there's no producers and all of this is done, you know, here um at mum and dad's place where I'm living, in my sister's old bedroom, um, you know, and that's where this podcast um emanates from. And so I think the imperfections of the show um adds to the relatability and the real genuine, you know, honest, vulnerable approach that I try and take with the podcast. So really, I shouldn't be aiming for perfect at all, one, because it doesn't exist, but two, that wouldn't actually be helpful or beneficial for the show anyway. You know, like this isn't meant to be perfect. This podcast is meant to be a, you know, capture me in my most vulnerable raw moments, and there ain't nothing perfect about that. So, you know, that's an extra layer of, I guess, I don't know, of things or something to think about. Um, this idea that probably deserves its own episode, but this idea that imperfections can actually be a good thing, and that something going perfectly um maybe isn't, you know, in some areas the way that we want to approach things. So there you go. But unfortunately, you know, that logic, and I think that is quite logical, feel free to let me know if it's not. Um, but that logic, unfortunately, still hasn't been enough though, to put this issue to bed. So I I don't know, again, I don't know where like this renewed energy and intensity from these negative parts have come from, but it's um it's really put the handbrake on me being able to come out with the material that I've got ready to go. Um, I just need to be able to sit down and record it because some of these, I'm telling you, some of these episodes are beauties. Seriously, if you thought the potty was good up until this point, trust me, there's even better coming. And maybe that's part of the reason too, because I I am confident in how good this material's going to be. So I guess there's a lot of pressure I put on myself to make sure that you know I do the material justice. So yeah, maybe it's just that sort of idea and and me being me, you know, everything's black and white, zero, a hundred percent. This is just another example of things um being amplified to 100%. So I don't know. But the main thing is I need to dial it down so I can get these episodes done because there's nothing perfect about not producing content. That is not the way forward. So, but unfortunately, that logic, this logical way of thinking hasn't been enough to quite put those two concepts back in their boxes where they belong. Um, in the subconscious or unconscious mind, definitely not the conscious mind. Um, and it's been difficult too because, well, it's difficult because every time or every day that I haven't done an episode when I feel I should have, the pressure builds and builds and builds. Um, and it gets really, it becomes a real problem because it makes me very angry and irritable. I do. Like if I haven't been putting these episodes out like I want to be, I feel like I'm letting myself down, I'm letting you guys down. Um, and that, you know, my chances of being successful in life, whatever the hell that is, um, you know, I I suffer a blow to that idea and that dream when I'm not, you know, consistent with the podcast episodes and output because this potty is so important um to how I view the self and and my idea of being successful is having a successful podcast. So obviously, if I'm not doing it, if I'm not making the episodes, that's bad because that's stopping me from being successful. And that's one of those, you know, existential sort of questions that people who are, you know, very deep thinkers, especially of the ruminating melancholic kind, such as myself, you know, those are the things that we dwell on, um, as well as things like you know, the meaning of life and all that. And again, well, and the meaning of life and my purpose and stuff, this show is a big part of that as well. So when I'm not able to engage with the show and produce what I want to be producing to a level that's satisfactory, um, that has massive effects for me psychologically because there's so much tied up in this show. Um, hope that makes sense. But yeah, so what's been happening though has been like I've tried to record these episodes, trust me. I've I have sat down and I have spent hours and hours and hours just trying to get these episodes done. Like I'll just sit there, I'll do you know, five minutes, or I stumbled across a word delete, or I'll do 15 minutes and I forgot what I said at the start, so I'm assuming I'm probably repeating myself. Oh, delete, start again. Then I've done another 10 minutes, um, but there were too many ums and ahs and stuff like that, and you know, I I don't think it's up to standard. Get rid of it, and then do it again half an hour this time. I got right to the end, but then I stuffed up the ending. Um, so I've got a bad feeling about it, the vibes off, delete, do it again. Like I've been doing this every day, like for hours and hours and hours. It's driving me insane. Some would say it's dedication, you know. I'm dedicated to trying to produce something really, really good, which is great, but you know, there is a point where it becomes extreme and it's actually maladaptive and it's not healthy and it's you know causing issues across the board. Um, and me sitting at this computer uh in my sister's old room where there's no air conditioning because it's very hot at the moment here in Newcastle, Australia, so I'm sweating big time. Um, but you know, I'm just sitting here for hours neglecting all my other things that I need to be doing, all the other chores and stuff, just trying to will myself on to get this episode done. So then the monkey's off the back, you know, and then I don't have to feel so guilty as I do things away from the computer and away from the microphone, and that stress can be alleviated even if it's just for a moment. Um, but the longer that these cycles go on for, the more difficult it becomes. And if I get to the end of a day and I've spent like eight hours seriously trying to get this episode going, and I go to bed empty-handed, oh man, that is that's that's guilt, that's shame in a big, big way. You know, it feels like I've let everybody down, I've let myself down, you know. Um, again, a logical sort of stuff, but this is this is mental illness, you know, there's no rule book, it's not perfect. As as I've sort of said, that's sort of part of the deal. So anyway, um, that's what's been happening. So just these obsessive sessions of trying to get these episodes out, not being able to do it, absolutely beating myself up over it, um, getting stressed, getting more and more angry and agitated. And oh, it's been a nightmare, it's been an absolute nightmare. Um, so that is look, I'm gonna probably wrap it up there. That's even longer than I was expecting. Um, but like I said, there's some great material coming, and I really want to get it moving, you know? Um, like it's just yeah, so frustrating that oh, see that? I almost right here we go. In real time, see how I stumbled a little bit. You probably didn't even notice, that's the thing, but I certainly did. I stumbled a little bit over a few words just then, um, because I had two things in my head at the same time, and I wasn't attending to one or the other, so that causes me to, you know, sh you know, short circuit and all that sort of stuff. But that little moment of of stumbling over those words, straight away, instantly, I was like, right, I've got to delete, I've got to start again. I'm so glad I've been able to catch myself and stop myself doing that. Um, and seriously, I'm not doing this, you know, to show an example or that is legit. I was very close then to just automatically going, nah, I'll do it again. It's all right, it'll be right, I'll be quicker this time, you know. Oh man. Um, yeah, there you go in real time. So I'm very glad that I avoided that. That is good. Um, but that's how small it can be. Um, it's it's geez, it's frustrating. A lot of effort goes into this show, seriously. I just you know, I'm trying to be kind to myself here. Like it's hard yakker doing this show sometimes, and you know, I appreciate so much the people listen and put up with me with you know the you know, the lack of structure and the lack of you know consistency. Um, but I do thank you for staying true because um yeah, it's not easy this show, it's not easy to do. Um, and a lot of it's because of my ADHD and just the organized, it's not so much what I'm talking about, it's the whole process involved in getting it done. So I'm so glad that you guys listen and make it all worthwhile because you do, you do make it worthwhile, and I I am committed, trust me, there is some good stuff coming. Hopefully, I'll be able to now get this episode published, get the monkey off the back, a bit of relaxation, have an early night tonight, go to bed, don't be thinking about the podcast. I'm gonna try and you know read one of my books so I'm not thinking about mental health and podcasting because you know I've devoted enough attention to that well and truly today, and over the last couple of weeks. Um, so I want to enjoy the fact that I've got a brand new episode out there, and even though I suspect that it sounds like I'm just rambling on and going around in circles, you know what, everybody? I don't care because the real take-home message is that I've got this episode done and now I can relax for a little bit, and then I reckon moving forward over the next few days, I'm gonna be able to produce these new episodes with this great material that I'm dying to let you in on because it is unreal. Alright, that'll do for me. As I said, I think I've probably been um waffling on and see again, I've got the urge to just delete it and then just start again, but I can't. It's like it's like 10:30 at night. Um I've sat up before for hours, you know, to like 4 a.m. just trying to get episodes done. And I can't I can't do that because the lack of sleep is major, major problem is a major problem. Um, and I know that if I stay up to like four o'clock, for example, and I am still not able to come out with something, tomorrow's gone. The whole day's wrecked for sure. Um, so I know me pretty well, and I at least now I know when to sort of you know really put in that boundary or else things get out of control very quickly. Um, it's a good thing that I can identify that. The problem is that I keep running into the boundary, you know. There's still that urge to go through that boundary and just keep pushing. Um, but thankfully, um, that's uh that's not gonna happen tonight. Definitely not. All right, thank you everybody for listening. I do appreciate you. As always, if you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating, and you can share it around with your mates, and you can follow me on Instagram at elliott.t.waters, and you can follow the show on Facebook by searching the dysregulated podcast. Until next time, see you later.