G'day everybody, my name is Ellie Waters, and you're listening to the DISS Regulator Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, today's episode is just a quick look at how I have been traveling as far as my mood's concerned over the last two weeks. Um, and I've got a little bit of good news to report on as well. But before I do that, I want to preface this episode by saying, as I'm talking to you right here, right now, I am struggling from a serious case of dry mouth. Oh, all day I've been battling it. All day it's been terrible. So if I'm stumbling over words a little bit, or um my sentences aren't as clear as normal, or or my speech isn't as fluid as perhaps you would expect of me, um, that's because I am battling this really severe dry mouth today. Um, but you know, that's all part of the the deal, you know. The dry mouth is coming from um potentially my medications, um, because all of my meds on their own come with uh the potential for dry mouth as a side effect. So you can imagine you put eight of them together like I do, you know, there's a high probability of dry mouth. Um and the other reason is that uh dry mouth is often a consequence of anxiety, whether it be generalized anxiety, social anxiety, um, you know, panic disorder, that sort of stuff. Um, unfortunately, fight or flight as well, dry mouth tends to go hand in hand with the anxiety response as well. So um, so you can imagine someone who has anxiety just about 24-7 and who's on eight medications, um, dry mouth is a big part of my lived and living experience of mental ill health. Um, so it's quite fitting that time to time, from time to time, uh, I will do these episodes where I do have dry mouth um because you know that's part of my story, and it's part of a lot of people's story as well. Um, it just shows though how resilient I am that you know I'm able to push through despite it all. Um because yeah, dry mouth is a big part of my story. It's a big part of a lot of people's story. So, you know, it's got to be a big part of this podcast because this is, of course, the most real, raw, genuine, honest fed income look at mental ill health that there is. So, as a consequence, dry mouth is a big part of the story. So, anyway, if I'm not sounding very clear, all right, um, please keep your feedback mostly positive because you know I am suffering from dry mouth. I'm doing the best that I can. Anyway, let's move on quickly from that. Um, because I don't know how many more words I've got left in me before my mouth completely seizes. Um, so let me tell you about the little bit of good news, which is I've been in the news lately. Um, so I've been interviewed on the radio, I've been interviewed for the newspaper, uh, promoting the Better Left Said Podcast, which is the podcast research study that I'm a part of through the University of Newcastle, along with uh my supervisor from my honours year, lead researcher, associate professor, Dr. Miles Young, and also Liz Dascombe, who is the PhD candidate. So the Better Left Said podcast um is her project for her PhD. Um and I'm a part of the team as well, uh, with my lived experience perspective. So I've helped co-design the podcast, and I'm also a co-host as well. Uh, and at the moment we are looking for participants. Um, so it's aimed at men. So if you haven't listened to some of the previous episodes where I've talked briefly about this podcast, um the Better Left said podcast is aimed and is all about men's mental health. So it's got stories, it's got practical strategies, research insights, and of course great conversations facilitated by yours truly. Um, but it is a great podcast with some great information. I think it's it's really awesome. Um, and it is it is targeted at men um who suffer from low mood uh andor anxiety because the research is quite clear in Australia at least, although I think this is something that can be um extrapolated to a lot of different population groups and samples. Um but in Australia the research is very clear that men do struggle to engage with traditional, say, psychotherapy, for example, in a clinic. Um, you know, we we know that there's a big issue with men's mental health out there because we know the you know the rates of depression in men and anxiety, and we know the suicide statistics, and you know, a lot of these stats do not paint a very good picture. But what's even worse really is that the research um also tells us that um men do not engage with psychological services or psychiatry on a level that perhaps you know we would like to see for a cohort that is struggling, um generally speaking. Um, so what Miles does, Dr. Miles Young does a lot, because he's a men's um mental health researcher, and and I guess I am as well, because I'm part of his team. Um, but what he's really focused on is looking for new and novel ways to engage men with um mental health services and and engage with men to improve mental health, you know, understanding and literacy and and have people more confident in talking about it with others and you know trying to get rid of the stigma at the same time. Um so it's a great honor and privilege to work on these projects with um Miles. We've also got uh the walk and talk therapy project that's that's um that's going on at the moment as well. Um so it's another example of of trying to come up with some novel ways to get men involved um with psychotherapy. So what we're looking at in research um is if um walk and talk therapy, so that's where the therapist walks with the client, the male, uh, outdoors. And he says sitting indoors in a clinic, um, therapy is conducted outdoors while they're walking. Um, so we're looking to see if that way of packaging therapy is more digestible for our male samples. Um, the results aren't in just yet, but we're pretty confident there's going to be a very significant result that comes out of this, and the conclusions then will be significant that we're able to draw from that, which is great. Um, you know, this is real research that's got real life implications. And that's I guess where I bring a lot of you know, my experience to these projects is that um, you know, often I found in my degree, not the degree, the degree is fine, but a lot of the research that I've evaluated in my degree, for example, you read it and you look at it, and it's like, okay, this is research that's been written for other researchers, instead of say, research that's been conducted for the mental health consumer of services, which is the person with depression or anxiety or whatever. Um, so I'm lucky in the sense that I have a foot in each camp. So on one hand, I'm a mental health researcher and advocate, but then on the other hand, I am a consumer of mental health services. So my role in these projects is to ensure that when we design um these projects, that they're actually applicable to the target, you know, audience, market segment of the population that we're trying to appeal to, which in this case is men with low mood andor anxiety. Um, because a lot of research uh doesn't have much real-world implications, you know. Um, and and what I love about the research I do with Miles is again, like I said, it's it's really focused on all right, we've got a problem in the community, obviously, because mental health statistics are not particularly good, and we know that there's barriers for men to get the help that they need. So let's come up with ways to try and get around this problem. And my role is to offer my insights from my own lived and living experience, but also um, I guess, as an you know, I I present an aggregate of all the stories that I hear from people and bring that knowledge with me to the table as well. So it's a great honor, as I said, and privilege to be a part of the team. Um, and they're just great. Like Liz is great, Miles is great, the rest of the researchers are amazing as well. Um, and it's just it's I'm just yeah, it's such a privilege to be a part of the team. Um, but it's been the the radio stuff and the newspaper and everything, the media blitz has been pretty cool. Um, but it's been pretty cool um on a deeper level than just I don't know, getting my name out there. It's not really about getting my name out there, but what it is about is you know, being in the newspaper and having my photo there and everything next to these great researchers and you know, my quotes and being on radio and you know, it's not about blowing, you know, wind up one's backside or anything, or or thinking I'm the world's greatest gift to radio or or news news or media. Like it's nothing to do with that. Why why why it's great um is because you know, I've really felt like I've belonged as part of this team. You know, when I'll be getting interviewed and stuff by the media outlets, you know, I've had good answers, I've had good things to say, um, and I have felt like I belong, you know, and that's that's a great, great feeling, especially for someone like me who, you know, you know, imposter syndrome is a huge part of my story. The inner critic is a huge part of my story. If you've listened to any episode on this podcast, you would know that those two constructs and concepts are a huge part of my lived and living experience, and they drive a lot of these feelings of inadequacy and and all that sort of stuff, inferiority. And but the last two weeks doing these media engagements, it's like, yeah, I belong here, you know. This is right, you know, I belong, I I should be sitting around the big research table, you know, because my experiences, my lived experience, but also my research now and my, you know, general commitment to improving mental health outcomes in the community, um, I've felt like that, you know, I should be there and I deserve to be there, and I have good things to offer. And that is not something that comes naturally to me, that way of thinking. And to be honest, it's been a bit of a shock, but it's been a great surprise because it's um you know, it's really validated me in a big way, and it's been really good, really good. Um, so good work, Elliot. Um, because we know that you know I'm still not quite in the career that I want to be in, but I can feel now I'm getting close, you know, to being confident enough to pivot to mental health full on, you know. The last two weeks in particular, being at the university as well, helping with the research as well as the media stuff, like all of it put together, you know, I felt like, you know, that I belong and this is what I should be doing. And that's a great feeling for someone who doesn't feel like that very often. So I don't know, maybe this is uh the sort of turning point, uh, as I said, like a pivot towards um, you know, this sort of um work full-time, because that would be great. Because um, yeah, I I I think this is what I should be doing, you know, this is what I was destined to do. I've just I just need the confidence to do it. But slowly but surely I think we're getting there. I think, and of course, I will let you all know about it, how that goes, every up and down, and everything else you're gonna hear all about here on the show. So trust me, if I ever do hit the point where I'm like, yep, big tick, I've hit the point of no return, I am super confident in my abilities. Trust me, you guys will be the first to know because I will not be able to hide it from anybody. Um, because that way of positive thinking is so crucial, and I think I can get there, hopefully. Um, all right, speaking of um mood and all that sort of stuff, just before my voice um completely goes and and I can't move my mouth because it's so concrete shut, feels like it's full of cement and it's about to set, so I need to be quick. Um the my mood over the last two weeks uh has been alright. It's been okay. Um remember recently I've gone on recently-ish, I've gone on metazapine. Um the last couple of weeks I've gone on the 30 milligrams dose. Um, I'm not completely sure it's doing anything major, but at the same time, I wouldn't say it's doing anything, making things worse, so that's good. Um I've been very anxious still, of course. As I said, you know, as I say all the time, it's a 24-7 sort of um, you know, beast that I'm up against, this whole anxiety thing. But you know, I've pushed on. Um, I have decided, I can't remember if I said this on the on the episode previous. I might have, I might not have, but I am going back to at least four days a week at work because what I discovered was being away from work more. Because remember, the idea was I would stay, I was doing less days to help with my anxiety and my social capacity issues and all that sort of stuff. But I don't think that doing less days, I think it's helped a bit with the social capacity stuff because when I am at work, I seem to be a little bit happier to help people, and I don't quite feel as um I guess burnt out socially as maybe ordinarily I would, but so that's a good thing, but unfortunately, um the days I've had off, I've just been anxious, thinking I haven't got enough money, and uh I don't know. If I this always happens if I have a bit of time away from work, like if it's annual leave or something, I think we all get this to a certain degree, but I always have a real big problem um going back and not having massive panic attacks before my first shift back. And what I've found is that it's like I've had many annual leave breaks, and every week when I go back on the Wednesday or Thursday um towards the end of the week, I have this real you know panic set in. And the problem is it's also been happening um the days that I've been off. I've been thinking and dwelling on the fact I'm not at work and all this sort of stuff. So I reckon, to be honest, on the balance of things, um, although having a bit of time off has definitely helped my social capacity because I'm not as grumpy and and gruff at work, um, or at least I try not to be. Um, unfortunately the anxiety is still there though. And you know, and there's other costs involved, like for example, my income. I'm not earning as much. So on the balance of things, um, I think going back to at least four days a week, which is now what I'm doing, um, with the option to go back to five, um, I think doing at least four days is a good idea. It's a good idea financially because I've still got to pay for therapy, of course. Therapy's not cheap, my meds aren't cheap. Um, you know, so I've got to keep the money rolling in uh because to um to give myself every chance of you know getting to the point where I am confident in my own abilities and able to um, you know, chase this career in mental health and stuff, you know, I I still see a big part of me getting to that point is me having to keep going to therapy. See, I'm lucky in the fact that I actually like going to therapy. So although I was saying before, um a lot of men do struggle to go to the traditional type of sit-down talk therapy, um, that's never been a problem for me. I quite like going. Uh, the issue is I just don't like how much it costs me, that's all. So, yeah, but anyway, as we know, um therapy is a big part of my prognosis moving forward, especially with the with the metazapine not really doing a huge amount, I don't think. Like, you know, I've exhausted just about all avenues when it comes to medications. Like, there's not many left I haven't tried. I've I've trialed over 30 meds or something, I'm on eight now. You know, there comes a point where you think, all right, the meds have done as much as they can, psychotherapy's got to be the way forward. And we we know this. I've got personality disorders, and you know, a lot of my um, you know, the labels I've got and stuff would suggest borderline personality sort of being one of the main ones, would suggest so therapy is the way for me to get to that point that I'm I'm aiming for. So that's fine, but uh, but of course, these things, like I said, cost money, so I need to be at work, and I may as well be at work because when I'm not there, I'm usually thinking about work anyway and getting anxious and stressed. Um, so yeah, I've I've tried, I've given a little experiment. I don't think doing you know part-time is the go. Um, but hey, I gave it a go. That was fine. Don't get me wrong, I've had some days off and been able to do some fun things. Um, but a lot of the days I've noticed, this is something that's very typical for people with ADHD, um, which is you know, once my routine's a bit out of whack, everything falls over, you know what I mean? So um, without going to work, um, I've sort of been thinking, uh, what am I going to do today? And as soon as I start thinking that, um, all of a sudden I really struggle to do anything in the day because there's not that, you know, that routine, that structure that I can fall back on. Um, so without that structure and routine, my ADHD has a real, you know, real struggle staying on task, or I have a real struggle staying on task. Um, and I do waste a bit of, or it feels like I waste a bit of these days, and then I get a bit upset and a bit depressed that I'm wasting all this, you know, these this these days off. I'm not taking advantage of it, and I get stressed, and then I think I've got to try and do this, this, and this, or else I'll feel guilty that I should have just gone to work. And yeah, so you know, the there's been a bit of a snowball effect of of my routines changing because I'm not at work, then not being able to come up with a replacement sort of structure to lean back on, and then not achieving because remember the workaholic part, even though I'm not at work, still thinks I should be doing things that are that's you know classified as working, whatever that may be. Um, and then I'm not getting the things done during the day that maybe I wanted to, and then uh anyway, so I may as well just go back to work. But the main point is, at least over the last two weeks, mood-wise, is everything's been about the same. Um, there's been a bit of anxiety there. There has, as um, but you know, I did do this um experiment as far as my work goes and dropping back a few days. I think I may as well try and do as many days as I can because I need the money for therapy, I need the money for everything else. Um, and a lot of the days off that I've had have been spent dwelling and ruminating on the fact I'm not at work. So I may as well go and at least get that monkey off me back. All right, that's all for today. That is all. My my dry mouth has has receded enough that I've been able to get this episode done, which is great. Thank you for listening as always. Um, so if you are interested though in the Better Left Said podcast, if you're a male between 18 and 70 and you've got access to a computer or or um you know electronic device where you can listen to this amazing podcast, um, give it a little search on the internet or reach out to me and I can send you the details because we're still looking for participants. Um so if you'd like to get involved, that would be awesome. Um, other than that, if you'd like to follow me on Instagram, of course you can at elliott.t.waters, and you can follow the show on Facebook as well by searching the dysregulated podcast. You'd be amazed. Um, I've done so many drafts of this episode. Um I'm so glad. Over two days I've been trying to get this episode out. Um, and the dry mouth has hit me both days, especially today. Um, but each time I do like 10 to 15 minutes, I go delete, delete, delete. It's so frustrating. Um, so this episode's been really hard to get out, so I'm glad it's finally done. It's again, it's it's the monkey off the back sort of thing. So now I can, I don't know, we can do the next episode, make that a bit more fun. Um, speaking of that, actually, very quickly before I go, um, I've had a couple of people ask me about the retroactive jealousy episode. That one is coming very soon, I promise. The draft is done. Um, but you know, the retroactive jealousy, that is a concept that has been, you know, has had huge influence over my life in a very, very negative way. So if I'm gonna do it, I need to do it properly. And to do it properly, I need to really dive deep into some of my uh most challenging, let's say, and and difficult times, you know, as a humanoid. Um, so retroactive jealousy really goes deep. So if I'm gonna do it, I've got to do it properly. Um, the draft is done, which is fine. Um, but what now I need to do is get myself in the right headspace where I can really dive deep and it's gonna be deep. I'm looking forward to it. It's gonna be really good and enlightening, I think, for a lot of people. But like I said, I've got to do it properly. So the draft is done. That episode is coming soon, though. I promise. It'll potentially I'm looking at recording it over the weekend. Um, also the QA sessions, uh, I'm hopefully going to be doing that episode tomorrow. Um, because I want to do them every Friday, tomorrow being Friday. So hopefully I'll get that one out tomorrow. It's a bit late. I've been a bit off the pace with that particular episode, but the first one is coming. Um, and of course, if you do have a question you'd like me to answer on the show, feel free to reach out and I'll uh I'll see what I can come up with for you. But anyway, that's all for now. Thank you everybody for listening as always, and I'll see you next time here on the Disc Regulated Podcast.