Speaker 1: 0:09

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast, as always. Thank you for tuning in Righto today's episode. I haven't done one of these for a while. I've just got home from the psychologist. I just had therapy. I've just run in the door and I'm sitting down now talking to you, so I'm going to tell you all about how my therapy session went today. So the important thing to note is that, yes, this is the first one I've had in a while. So if you've been wondering where the Therapy Reflections episodes have gone, don't worry, they're coming back.

Speaker 1: 0:45

I just need to get into therapy a little bit more and actually get to see my psychologist. The reason why that hasn't happened lately is because of two main reasons. One, my psychologist was away. How dare she? I think she went on holidays. I don't know. We don't really talk about her much, we usually talk about me. And the other reason is that I have not had much cash Again, as you would know, because I talk about money all the time on here.

Speaker 1: 1:10

But it's true. You know, psychology appointments here are not cheap, even if you do have a mental health care plan. So in Australia you can get a mental health care plan that gets you 10 sessions. For those listening outside the country can get your 10 sessions subsidized with a psychologist, and you get that through your GP, through your doctor. Now, the important thing to note is that it's subsidized. It doesn't pay for your session, it just makes it a bit cheaper. And it does make it quite a bit cheaper but at the same time it's not free and you've got to have the money, the full cost, upfront. Then you get the rebate later. So, and if you're like me that has to go to therapy a lot, you know you burn through those 10 sessions pretty quick. So yeah, but anyway.

Speaker 1: 1:58

So I went today, which was good. Not a great deal, admittedly, was achieved and never was really going to be, because there was a lot to sort of fill in her about what's been going on with me more recently, especially around medications. So the types of therapies that I do at the moment in therapy so internal family systems therapy and EMDR are the two main ones. They're not really the type of therapies where you just go in and talk about how you feel. There's a bit more to it than that. That's more the CBT sort of side of things. But it was important in this therapy session today to cover the basics of what's been going on. So, although I wouldn't say much was achieved, this still had to happen either way. So yeah, so now I've got her up to speed with what's been going on, which is, of course, that I'm on more meds now than before.

Speaker 1: 2:52

So my last appointment with her was before I started going to Jane's Fletcher to see the psychiatrist there from the Newcastle Community Mental health team in the public system. So the last thing she knew was that she'd written a letter or a referral to the James Fletcher guys and said you know, I think for what it's worth me as a psychologist, I think Elliot needs to get off his meds and reassess. I've had referrals from my GP that have said the same thing. I've been saying the same thing, and yet here we are. I'm on an extra medication, the metazapine.

Speaker 1: 3:28

She was quite shocked, to say the least, that that's what's been happening lately. She was expecting to come back and that I'd either be, you know, started tapering off meds already or I would have been admitted to a psychiatric facility to do that, to facilitate that. And none of those things have happened. I'm not back at Ishmael, I'm not at an extended stay ward somewhere. And I'm not tapering off meds, I want an extra one instead. So that's what? Eight, now seven or eight.

Speaker 1: 4:00

So she was a bit confused about that and I said to her that I was a bit confused about it as well, because you know, like I said, I've been advocating to get out. You guys know, because you listen, I'll tell you guys, I've been advocating to get myself off meds and to go back to some sort of baseline for quite a while now and I've been pretty consistent with that and for some reason the people that need to be listening aren't listening. I guess and I said this in an episode previously that maybe you know I haven't been able to advocate as well for myself as I would like, but then you know who does advocate well for themselves when they're depressed and anxious and everything else that goes with it. Like you know and I think I have advocated well enough that I would have got the point across that I want to try and see what life is like without these meds Knowing for well, I'll probably have to go back on one or two, but let's keep it to one or two instead of now on eight where I can't tell if they're working or not.

Speaker 1: 5:01

I don't think things have improved. I don't think since introducing metazapine things have improved. I wouldn't say they're getting worse. But at the same time I'd like to think there's a lot more room for improvement than there is for things to get worse. And there's been no improvement. So it's like, okay, what's going on there? So eight medications, I would expect that I would be feeling better than I do. And introducing metazepine it's been a few weeks now, it's been six or seven weeks.

Speaker 1: 5:32

If this medication was going to do something and move the needle, I also would have thought that a little bit of that needle movement would have occurred by now, but it hasn't gone up or down, I've just stayed in the same spot occurred by now, but it hasn't gone up or down, I've just stayed in the same spot. So you know, um, metazepine doesn't appear to be the, the missing ingredient in my regimen, my cocktail of medications, um, but I explained this all to her and, as I said, there wasn't a heap of therapy done today, it was more me filling her in. But you know, that needed to be done, it was. It was all right to get off my chest, I suppose. But you know, um, it's.

Speaker 1: 6:10

It just sort of got me angry. Really. I don't mean I wasn't getting like real angry in the session, but deep down I was feeling it. You know I was like, yeah, this, this is rubbish. What's going on? You know what happened to this idea of selfonomy. You know being the boss of yourself.

Speaker 1: 6:26

I said to her and I think this sums it up really nicely, or at least this sums up how the relationship with your doctor or your psychiatrist or anyone any of these mental health professionals should be, which is so in the case of the psychiatrist he's the expert, right, he's the expert, but I'm the boss because it's my life. So I should be the boss of things. He's the expert and can provide, you know, expert opinion and make suggestions and come up with a plan and everything. But at the end of the day, the person who should be signing off on that plan is me because it's my life. You know I'm the one that has to put up with it, not the doctor.

Speaker 1: 7:08

And you know I guess I've been signing off a bit too easily on the whole more meds, more meds, more meds. But you know, I don't know what do you? You would hope that these psychiatrists, who are experts in the field theoretically would know what they're doing, and so I put a lot of trust in these psychiatrists, although often it appears I seem to know more about these medications than they do. But you know again, I'm not a doctor, so I need to dial it down a bit and, as I said, they're the expert you know, and that's how I've sort of looked at these situations. But the experts are leading me down a path that I don't know how to get back from. You know, I've got so many meds floating around now that it's like there's no chance of knowing which medications pull and what leave and what's doing what, and that's why I wanted a bit of a reset so we could figure out what's going on. You know what the meds are contributing to, or what they're improving or what they're not touching, and then what psychology is going to have to take over and do the rest. So that's essentially what I was talking about in today's session.

Speaker 1: 8:12

Like I said, there was no real therapy going on. It was more filling her in on what's been happening, and really there's not much been happening. It's been more of the same, and the introduction of another medication hasn't really changed my trajectory at all. I don't think. Like I said, I don't think it's made things worse, although I seem to be putting on weight all of a sudden quite quickly, which metazepine is known to do but besides that I wouldn't say things have gotten any worse, but I certainly wouldn't say they've gotten any better. So, very frustrating. She was frustrated too. She was frustrated as well and she validated me in saying that I deserve to feel frustrated, because she knows how clear I've been on this sort of topic and how clear I've been on it for a while, and she understands that for some reason doctors don't seem to be listening to me. So she validated my feelings on that, which is good, that's always good, but I really wish she didn't have to.

Speaker 1: 9:09

But unfortunately, this is the situation I find myself in, which is on eight medications and no real improvement, and I'm even further away from my goal of getting off the meds. So I could see what baseline was like and maybe go back into the transport industry, because I still feel as though I've got unfinished business with transport. But it's looking less and less likely now that that will be a viable option, because it's looking less and less likely that I'm getting off these meds. That's the thing. I'm at the point now where I'm just like, whatever, I'll just stay on them, I'll just stay on them. But a lot of these medications on their own don't have great long-term outlooks as far as things like not all of them, but like any psychotic long-term use, for example, is shown to shrink grey matter, and there's issues around potential early onset dementia and stuff like that, you know, and it'd be silly to think that these weren't real concerns or risks facing me, especially with the amount of meds that I'm on and they're all pretty heavy duty gear. You know, like no one knows for sure what the long-term implications of this many medications on my brain will be, but I guess one day we'll find out, um, but yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:31

So today's session was mostly just filling her in, doing a bit of venting, quite a bit of venting, um, and she validated that, which was good, because because, yeah, it's always good, not that I really needed her validation so much, because I'm very confident in the fact that you know that I haven't got my message across, or at least it hasn't been listened to. So I know that that's true, but it was still good to hear someone in a position or from a position of authority say yeah, elliot, you're thinking the right things, it's making sense, as frustrating as it is. It's making sense, you know, because I said to her I was like you know, I'm just double checking Like this is logical, isn't it that I want to get off the meds and then it's also logical that I'd be frustrated that this hasn't happened. And on both accounts she said yes, it's very logical, and she herself is a bit confused by it all. She even suggested going and seeing a member of parliament about it. So if that's not an indicator of where things are at, I don't know what is. But anyway, the plan is that we come up. Both of us agreed that. The plan is.

Speaker 1: 11:42

I've got another appointment with the psychiatrist in November, although it's a bit away. You know, we'll just keep treading water for now, as difficult as it is, and I'll go in with a bit of a clear. I've had a clear plan each time, but again, a clear plan. If this metazapine hasn't moved the needle to get that point across and then be like listen, doc, you know, like we've thrown every medication at this thing and it hasn't improved, let's start trying to peel them off. How about that? And try and argue for that again. But surely I'd be forgiven if I didn't have much faith that that is how it was going to turn out for me. But anyway we'll see. But, like I said, it's good to get that validation when there was 10 minutes to go is how it was going to turn out for me. But anyway, we'll see. But like I said, it was good to get that validation when there was 10 minutes to go. I thought it was almost done. I looked at my phone. I said, oh well, for the last 10 minutes, let's sort of plan for the next session. So that's what we did.

Speaker 1: 12:36

And again we focused or I focused on the fact that there's two main branches that I want to look at, one being career, the other being relationships. And prior to this, career has been the focus Get me feeling confident enough in my own abilities that I can go for a new job, get more money and the good things will happen from there. And being work, that maybe is a bit more in keeping with my meaning and purpose. You know like, use that psychology degree and get into mental health and do some community work, and you know the stuff I should be doing if I was confident enough to follow my dreams. And then the other branch is relationships, and that's similar in getting confidence and having the confidence that I can bring a long-term relationship again that's fulfilling, and that there's someone out there who might want to put up with this, that whole sort of way of thinking.

Speaker 1: 13:33

But we agreed that the so I would say there's a bi-directional relationship, you know, between these two variables and there's an interaction effect. Maybe that's a better way of putting it. Either way, what I mean is if I improve one, the other is improved as a result. I think the way to do it, I think if I improve the career branch, I think that'll improve my chances with relationships a lot more than if I get in a relationship, and then that helping to improve the career side of things. I think the big thing for me is this new job idea and having the confidence to do that and do it well. If I can do that, then that is a lot of good, positive emotion that I would then be able to transfer across, I think, to the whole relationship world. But I don't think getting in a relationship will have the same effect back on the career but the other way. You know what I mean. So out of the two. I think the maximize the benefits. I think career and new job and work is still the one that needs the most attention. So we agreed on that and that's what we're going to look at in more detail, pretty much pick up where we left off, essentially before I saw her last, and we're going to look at the career and the job stuff and really focus on that. And I'm halfway there. I'm halfway there On good days.

Speaker 1: 14:58

I do genuinely believe that I have the ability to do good things and that I'm able to get new work and get paid as I would hope for this. Whatever this new work is and the good things that come from that, it's just those flat off days that I still get really worried about it and you know, it feels like all the, the, the thinking, the positive thinking I've done around it all of a sudden disappears overnight and I need to get that out of me game. You know, I need even the flatter days to maybe feel flat, because that's just the way it is. That's, every human has flat days, but not every, not every person has a flat day and then throws all their hopes and dreams in the bin because they don't feel as though they're good enough to chase for them and earn them, and that's what I need to try and fix, or a position I want to get into which is even on my off days. You know, this confidence around me and my work and what I'm able to do and achieve doesn't shift. It's solid, it's concrete. That's the goal.

Speaker 1: 16:06

But again, before seeing my current psychologist, we've done a lot of work on this and, as I said, we're about halfway there. But before this I didn't feel confident in this in any way. So there's been solid improvements and I'm getting closer. I'm just not quite there yet. So I said, well, look, I don't want to part of me, you know, there's a big part of me that really longs for relationship and all that sort of stuff and that life. But I said to her that no, I think we need to instead of chopping and changing. This is what I used to do in therapy previously with other psychologists. We would chop and change all the time because I would be chopping and changing on what I wanted to work on. And something I've really done and really focused on this time around with my current psychologist is trying to be pretty stable as far as what we're working on, and I think that's why I've seen some good improvements, whereas maybe previously I hadn't seen the improvements I was looking for.

Speaker 1: 17:05

So the plan moving forward next session we're going back into the work stuff imposter syndrome, the inner critic that says I can't do it, all that sort of stuff. Going back to that and picking up where we left off, basically Knowing that the relationship thing is certainly a priority. Just maybe not for right now Because, like I said, I think the best way to improve both, I think, is to improve the career job stuff first. I think that'll get me the most bang for me buck. So that's the plan. But yeah, most of today was just a catch up session, which you know it's very expensive catch up session. But look, it is what it is.

Speaker 1: 17:45

And I just wish I had some better news to report to her on the medication front because, like I said, she was pretty surprised that although I've had letters from my GP, I've had letters from her, I've had letters from the Mater Hospital, the acute care team, all this information, all these letters, and yet I don't appear to be any closer to starting to taper off these meds. She couldn't quite understand and I said, well, look, I don't really understand either. I don't understand either. But hey, it is what it is, so let's make the best of it. So the plan is, when I see her in a fortnight, we're going back to the career and job stuff and we're also going to plan out just briefly. We're not going to spend too much time on it which I don't want to, because I go into these things reasonably clear but we're going to spend a little bit of time again on how to approach the subject with the psychiatrist.

Speaker 1: 18:37

If it does appear the metazapine hasn't really done much, how to then reintroduce this idea of potential tapering from medications. I'm sure you're sick of hearing me bang on about it, but I'm sick of talking about it too. After this long I could have been off half of them by now. But it is what it is. It is what it is Very frustrating, that's for sure. Anyway, all right, well, thank you know, it is what it is. It is what it is Very frustrating, that's for sure. Anyway, all right, well, thank you everybody for listening. That's the latest. So expect another of these therapy reflections episodes to come out in a fortnight and if something happens I'll tell you. Of course, on here. I'll let you know how it goes. But that's the plan.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Moving forward, we're going back to the career stuff and the job hunt and getting in a position where I'm comfortable but, more importantly, confident in my own abilities and the fact that I can do meaningful work and I can be paid an amount that makes my life a hell of a lot better than it is at the moment because I am broke. Anyway, that's enough for me. Thank you for listening everybody. I appreciate it, as always. If you've been enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating and share it around with your mates. You can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters, and you can follow the show on Facebook by searching for the Dysregulator podcast. All right, that's it from me. See you later.