Speaker 1: 0:10

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast, as always. Thank you for tuning in, Well, well, well, guess who just got home from the footy, from the rugby league the Newcastle Knights taking on the Brisbane Broncos here at McDonald Jones Stadium here in Newcastle. Now if you're wondering what on earth I'm talking about, my suggestion would be to listen to the previous episode that has been published, titled when Social Anxiety Hits Back Footy Fear and Finding my Voice. That will give you the context for this episode, because in that episode I explained how my social anxiety had been really peaking today and it appeared that it was going to thwart my efforts in going to watch my footy team play today here at home here in Newcastle, which is not good for a variety of reasons and I went through that in the episode. But of very great importance is the fact that me being a Newcastle Knights supporter is a big part of who I am, a big part of my identity and it is a big part of this life worth living that I'm trying to create for myself. So it appeared that the social anxiety was going to be too much and I wouldn't be able to make the game, but I'm happy to report everybody. I got to the game. I went there. I watched the Knights play. I watched the Knights get flogged play, I watched the Knights get flogged, Brisbane absolutely flogged Newcastle in the game. It was a pretty sad state of affairs, to be honest, but that's not the point. Well, it is partly the point, but the bigger picture here is that I was able to force myself and force my social anxiety back into its corner, wrestle with it, and I was able to get to the game. It was a very late decision. It was a bit of rush of blood.

Speaker 1: 2:09

I did the podcast episode previous and when I finished uploading and publishing that episode it was 10 minutes to two and kickoff was at two o'clock. Thankfully I live close to the stadium, but I did have to park a little bit away. Hopefully I live close to the stadium, but I did have to park a little bit away. So I got into the ground about 10 minutes after kickoff, which usually is a very stressful, anxiety sort of provoking situation turning up to things late, especially the footy, when I've got to try and find my seat. But I pushed through that as well. I parked and I was like nah, I'm going in, I'm going in. I'm going in. It's going to happen. All the listeners will be so proud of me when I can report back that I got to the game. And that's exactly what I did, despite the fact that I did leave it a little bit late. I did get there after kickoff, but that doesn't matter. I got there, I sat with my family, with my parents, which is always a bit different.

Speaker 1: 3:05

Usually I sit on the opposite side of the ground and you're probably thinking my voice has recovered pretty well, considering earlier on it was a bit hit and miss, and then you would expect my yelling at the football to have a bit of an impact on my voice. And the reason why or the reasons as though, as why my voice is in decent condition is because I'm not allowed to yell profanities and as much abuse at the referees and the opposition most of the opposition and their fans. I'm not allowed to do that when I sit with my mother. So I took the hit on that, I took the loss on that, but they had a seat spare for me, so I decided to play the safe option and I sat with them. So I was still yelling out and cheering a bit, but, yeah, I was a lot more subdued than usually. I would be on the other side of the ground. Yeah, I was a lot more subdued than usually. I would be on the other side of the ground.

Speaker 1: 4:06

I can tell you that the Knights did not perform very well at all. Like I said, we got flogged and the opposition were offside all game and although I was trying to tell the referee that, the referee as they usually do didn't listen. So not that I'm blaming the referee. Brisbane were far too strong. That's the end now of the home games for this season.

Speaker 1: 4:30

For this year. It was a. It's disappointing. This isn't a rugby league podcast, although I could easily do one of them too, but it's a shame that and I'm not blaming the players or anything Brisbane are a tough opposition and unfortunately we've been a bit off the ball all year. We've had injuries and, unfortunately, the Newcastle Knights. As a club, it's been a while since we've had some decent success and this season has been pretty woeful. We're sitting near the bottom of the ladder and, unfortunately, today followed the same formula as most of the year has as well. But you know, that's okay, it's all part of it. But, as I said, the bigger picture is that I got to the game. I got to the ground. I was stressing out, don't get me wrong and even now, post game, and it's not because we lost and I enjoyed being there today, as I always do win, lose or draw, I don't care. I love going to the footy and watching my mighty newcastle knights play, but I am very.

Speaker 1: 5:38

My anxiety, my well, my generalized anxiety now is is what's sort of peaking, um, and I think that's got to do with just overstimulation, sensory overload. I think my autism and my ADHD are saying right, we've had enough fun and frivolity for this weekend. We've had all week talking to customers and stuff at work and I've had some interviews and stuff at the university and with a few things, which is exciting, but it's been a big week of talking to people and being amongst people. And I think now it is Sunday, it's Sunday afternoon. Um, I think some downtime is is warranted big time because, yeah, I'm feeling pretty, um, yeah, what can I say? My anxiety, um, is, is not good. It's actually worse now post-game than it was pre-game, but again, it's not because of the football as such, it's just the week. It's just been a huge. It's just been a huge. It's been a big week. It's been a lot achieved, but it's been hard, and it's weeks like this that really highlight to me how difficult it is to stay functional, especially if you're theoretically high functioning, which supposedly I am. Okay, I've achieved a lot this week, but it has really drilled me.

Speaker 1: 7:02

After the interviews and some podcast recording I did for another podcast that I'll tell you more about in due course, but after that I had a big day at the uni that started at 5am. I was getting videoed at the Dixon Park Beach here in Newcastle. I was getting videoed for a package that they're doing about me at the uni, which is great. But then that day then followed into getting interviewed at the university and then I recorded like three episodes for this podcast at the university and ended up getting home at like 6 or 7 pm or something, Absolutely, as we would say in Australia, absolutely rooted and, to be honest, that was like I don't know when that was start of the week and, to be honest, I haven't really recovered from that massive day because then I went straight into work, which again is full days of well, it was 5am, starts again and then all the customer facing sort of tasks that I have to do, and you know, the talking to people, which you know isn't a problem per se, but it is very, very taxing for somebody who has, you know, mental health complexities such as I. You know I'm not naturally, I guess, wired for this much interpersonal contact.

Speaker 1: 8:27

And then going to the football today, amongst you know, it was a sellout, 30,000 people, sold out stadium, which is also why the result was disappointing, because it was a big crowd and the big crowd probably deserved a little bit better than what we got. But anyway, the point of the matter is, you know there's a lot going on. There was a lot of noise, you know, there's just lots going on and it's been a huge week and I really need to now find a way to decompress, because then the week starts again, Life starts all over again and it's another big week coming. What will hopefully excuse me in the longer run, or at least over the next few weeks, what will hopefully kick in and will improve things a little bit, is the fact that I've dropped some days at work at Bunnings. Um, come on, voice, keep going. Um, it's showing a lot of resilience. My voice, I'm very proud of my voice. Anyway, um, uh, what was I saying yes, uh, Bunnings, back to three days a week. So I'm hoping that there will be improvements in my social capacity because of dropping back some hours.

Speaker 1: 9:39

But of course, now I'm super anxious about money. This is a topic probably for another episode, but at the same time it is a real problem because, yeah, you know, is a topic probably for another episode, um, but at the same time it's it is a real problem because, yeah, you know, money's tight and therapy's expensive and and psychiatry's expensive, although I'm going through the public system at the moment, which which, thankfully in australia, means it's it's free, um, but still there's. You know there's a lot of my medications, are getting more of them and they're getting they're expensive. What can I say? So you know there's a lot of my medications, I'm getting more of them and they're expensive. What can I say? So you know there's a lot of costs going out and I am very, very stressed about my financial situation moving forward.

Speaker 1: 10:17

But I also am very, very stressed about my capacity to function if I continue working full time in the role that I've been doing, because there is only so much I think I can take and I think I've shown over the last couple of weeks and you would have heard it on the podcast here that I've sort of hit my limit in a few different areas and I need to intervene and do something about it. And that's exactly what I've done. But it's just so difficult that to improve one aspect of my mental health it's detrimental to another aspect of my mental health and it's just God. It's just. It's so frustrating and this is again. This is another topic for another episode. This especially deserves its own and I need to do one on this.

Speaker 1: 11:10

But there's a lot of people out there who are financially worse off than me and just don't have the access to the help that they need able to function enough to be able to go to work, to pay for things like therapy and medications and psychiatry reviews and I don't know. It just breaks my heart and I think of those people a lot. I do, Because, yeah, you know things are tight, but I am lucky that I get to live with my parents. Again, this is the whole sort of duality of things in that living with my parents has some great advantages to it, Don't get me wrong. It does, and I'm very appreciative of the fact that I am here, but at the same time it is, as you would know, listening to the show. There's certain hang-ups I have about still being here at the age that. I am, Anyway, not dwelling on that. But yes, finances are going to be tough moving forward and that is going to be a topic that I'm going to be bringing up, I dare say, a little bit on the show. So if there's anyone out there that's got some big money and wants to back me and back the podcast, feel free to reach out and make a donation. It's funny, you guys. So again, I'm going off topic, but there is actually a subscription function to this podcast that I haven't turned on. But I don't know. Maybe we'll see how desperate I get and we'll see if my lovely fans can chip in for some therapy for poor Elliot. Anyway, that's definitely not what the topic of this episode is about.

Speaker 1: 12:50

The topic of this episode Elliot getting back on track is the fact that I did overcome my social anxiety that I was suffering. I was able to push through and push beyond that and tackle it to the ground and push it back into the ingull area People who know rugby league will know what I'm talking about. But I was able to essentially push back against this social anxiety disorder and this social anxiety stemming from autism. And I was able to push back against that, against the sensory overload, and achieve something that is in keeping with me, who I am, what I'm about and what I want to be, and that is the biggest Newcastle Knights supporter that there is and supporting the club no matter how we are performing. And I do feel quite empowered in knowing I said on the previous episode only a few hours ago excuse me that that that there was no sort of well, not so much that there was no good option, but both options, whether I went to the game or whether I didn't, had potential for negative. So you know what I sort of predicted is happening right now, which is the overstimulation part and just being overwhelmed in general, and that anxiety spike.

Speaker 1: 14:12

But I know 100% that if I didn't go to the game today the last home game of the season, knowing it was a sellout because, although it's funny again, the duality of my life, although being amongst big crowds is stressful I froth for sold out games at McDonnell Jones Stadium, big crowd, big Newcastle crowd, full of Novocastrians cheering on the team Like I live for. That's what I live for, you know I said that in the previous episode as well. This is essentially. This is one of those things that I live for and that I hold on to when I've been in some pretty mentally precarious situations. I legitimately think Elliot keep pushing mate. We've got the nights to hold on to, how much we love the nights and how important it is to my life and building this life worth living. So it is really great that I went to the game, because if I didn't go I'd be very. My anxiety maybe would be improved. So I'd be very. My anxiety maybe would be improved, but I would be very. I'd be very. I'd be in a very sorry, flat at best, but probably quite depressed mood. And I've been able to avoid that by pushing through some, you know, doing a bit of cognitive restructuring and really, you know, grappling with my psyche. But we got there, we got the job done, which is great. It's just a shame that the Knights didn't get the job done.

Speaker 1: 15:38

In the NRLW, the Women's Rugby League, I mentioned how that game was on as I was recording earlier. That game was being played before the men's game. Usually I go watch the women as well because, again, I love the club, the men and the women and unfortunately, the women got beaten pretty convincingly as well. So it wasn't a very good day to be a Newcastle Knights supporter, but it was a very good day and a great opportunity for somebody who is suffering from mental ill health to be able to push beyond perceived limitations and weaknesses and engage in an activity that is empowering. And, as I said, in keeping with who I am, I am the pride of the hunter. I am, in my opinion, the most passionate Newcastle Knights supporter and I'm so glad that I was able to go to the match today and I'm so glad that I've been able to do this episode and to deliver the good news to you guys. So thank you everybody for your support.

Speaker 1: 16:49

It's been a big day, it's been a big week. There's been a lot going on. Hopefully soon, very quickly, the intake interviews will be back. I've got some people lined up to interview, so I just got to again. That's the thing. Very quickly. The interviews have stalled a bit, excuse me, because of this overwhelmed feeling. That's why they haven't been as prolific as I would like. So hopefully, very soon, the next interview will be coming. So I'm very excited for that and I'm telling you it'll be well worth the wait. Let me tell you that right now.

Speaker 1: 17:26

All right, Thank you everybody. Thank you for listening. Well done to me, Pat on the back, because that was pretty difficult. That was not easy, even though it's something I enjoy doing. Unfortunately, as you know, listening to the show, that with me, there's caveats in everything that I do. This is no different, but I was able to push beyond my perceived limitations and I got it done. How good's that. All right, Thank you everybody for listening. Again, if you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating because it's good for the algorithm, and you can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters. You can also share the show around with your mates I've swapped them around this episode and you can follow the show on Facebook at the Dysregulator podcast. All right, Thank you everybody. I'm going to have a warm tea to rest these vocal cords and I'll talk to you soon. See you later. Goodbye, Thank you.