Speaker 0: 0:10

Good day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast, as always. Thank you for tuning in. Alright, just a little disclaimer at the start of this episode.

Speaker 0: 0:19

Don't worry, this is not about the content, it's about the quality of my voice at present. You may be able to hear through this recording that I'm a little bit croaky and that's because I've been a little bit sick the last few days. I wanted to get a podcast episode out a little bit earlier than I have for this one, but the voice was just not there. But you know, I'm sick of waiting around for it to recover. I've got some head cold, you know it's nothing major, so I'm just going to go through and push on anyway. So apologies if my voice is a little bit more, I don't know, annoying than normal or nasally than normal. I always think I've got a nasally voice. So, as you can imagine, my inner critic currently is very much hammering me about the fact that I will be sounding nasally in this recording. But I don't care. I don't care, inner critic, it doesn't matter, we're going to press on anyway. So today's episode is about well, it's about social anxiety and how it manifests itself in me. So this is an example, or this episode I'm going to go through an example that's happening in real time right now of where my social anxiety has gotten in the way of doing the things that I want to do.

Speaker 0: 1:39

So today is the final home game of the season for my mighty Newcastle Knights in the National Rugby League here in Australia. The mighty Knights that, I must admit, have not gone very good this season. It's been a very, very disappointing season. I'm not sure if the club are aware of the antidepressant effects that a victory has on me, but they must not be because or they don't care, because there haven't been many victories this year. But no, I am joking because I don't mind, I don't care. Well, obviously I want us to win, but you know I'm not one of those sort of supporters fair weather supporter, unfortunately, the Newcastle Knights we have not performed for many years now and my commitment has been unwavering. But the problem that does occur from time to time, and it certainly occurred this season.

Speaker 0: 2:40

I started off the season really well. I was going to all the games. I went to the trial games, I went to away games. I drove to the Gold Coast and watched us get flogged up there and wasted all my petrol money on that. No, that was a good trip but we did get beaten quite convincingly, which was disappointing.

Speaker 0: 2:58

But I've been to Sydney a few times for some away games and some home games as well, but the last couple of rounds, the last couple of weeks, or even the last probably month or two, I haven't really been attending the games like I normally would and that is because of this chronic social anxiety that I get that has reared its ugly head the last little bit and it's rendered my ability to go to the Knights games like I want to and like I should, you know, like this is a big part of my identity, for those that don't know like I go to the games and I have a banner, pride of the Hunter, because Newcastle, for those that don't know, is in the Hunter region here in New South Wales, australia, and I take the banner to the games and I guess I'm quite well-known, I'm a bit of an infamous supporter. I'm very loud from where I sit and that's why I've got to keep the vocal cords going. Well, because I've got to tell the referee that the team, the opposition today being the Brisbane Broncos, that the opposition is offside because, for some unknown reason, the referees don't like to blow penalties for us. So someone's got to tell the referee that the opposition are not following the rules like they should be, and I'm more than happy to be that person. So that's why it's so imperative that my vocal cords forget the podcast. It's the yelling from the stands, the grandstands. That's why I need to look after my voice, but you know.

Speaker 0: 4:35

But in all seriousness, though, like me, being a Newcastle Knights supporter is a huge thing. It's a huge part of what I do, of who I see myself as and what I enjoy and what really gets me going being a Knights supporter. I'm a very passionate supporter. I love the club, I love the Newcastle Knights, I love the region, newcastle and the Hunter. If you've listened to the podcast long enough, you would know that I will continue to push how wonderful Newcastle is because it is truly God's country. But you know the club represents the region and the city and us Novacastrians, the population of Newcastle, and you know I want to see our team do well and I get very parochial about the team and the club when we take on teams from Brisbane and Sydney and Melbourne. It's like we're the underdogs in a lot of ways and you want to stick it to the big guns, and for a while, a couple of years ago, we were the big guns when we had players like Andrew Johns and Danny Badiris. The Newcastle Knights were formidable, but unfortunately it's been a long time since we've had any success like that.

Speaker 0: 5:54

But but the problem is and back to the main point of this episode is that the social anxiety that I have, that is chronic. You know, I talk about my anxiety, how it's there all the time, and often I'm referring more to the generalized anxiety component of things. But don't get me wrong, the social anxiety is a huge part of this as well. And when I talk about my diminished social capacity and that my social capacity battery's on zero and stuff, that's because I get socially anxious and all the energy that that burns up, you know, is a reason why I need to try and find a way to overcome this. But I need to overcome it too and keep it at bay, because I need to do the things that make my life worth living, and I know that sounds like a heavy statement, I guess it is, but, um, you know me, being a Newcastle Knights supporter is one of those reasons, um, when things are not going very good, that I think to myself, you know, just, we've just got to hold on. You know, like life's all right.

Speaker 0: 7:00

There's some good things, you know, and following rugby league and the Knights is one of those good things, even though the results may not quite be in line with my well, not so much my expectations. They are in line with my expectations but, I guess, not so much my hope and wishes. But the reason why I'm bringing this up right now is because the well, currently the NRLW, the women's team, is playing Brisbane, because the game is here at home, here in Newcastle. Did I mention that Last home game of the season, which is always a big affair? It's sold out, the game is sold out. And right now the women are playing the Brisbane Broncos, who are coming top of the table and unfortunately we're getting beaten. But our women's team is quite a handy side, don't get me wrong and I love watching the women's play too. It's a great game, the women's game it is. And then the men kick off at 3pm, which is an hour away.

Speaker 0: 8:03

Now, I should be at the ground now, you know. I should get there when the gates open, you know, and that's usually what I try and do. And I try and do that because I get so stressed out that I'm not going to get my seat and you know there's going to be lineups, I'm going to miss kickoff and all that. You know, again, it's the anxiety garbage that just dictates everything. But I do try and get there as early as I can because, also, as we know, my ADHD renders my ability to be organized and timely. It severely hampers my ability to be on time.

Speaker 0: 8:38

So I've got to go above and beyond to make sure that I, because there have been so many games, I've walked in as we're kicking off and I'm just like, so I'm freaking out, you know, like I'm looking for a place to sit, I'm looking for me mates or whoever. I'm going to the game with me family and you know I'm freaking out and the game's already on and you know the opposition just scored try, and I haven't even found my seat yet. It just stresses me out so much and it ruins the experience often. So I really try to avoid that. But the problem is, at the moment my social anxiety is and my dwindling social capacity is such that I don't think I'll be able to make the game today, the men's game today, and, as I said, that game is almost over and I should be there for that as well, and this is not good.

Speaker 0: 9:30

This is another example, a real world example, of how these mental illnesses like to dictate terms and dictate how our lives are lived. And I don't like it because I like going to these games. I like, you know, revving everyone up in the crowd and being, to be honest, the center of attention in many ways and being a big part of the entertainment. I like the idea that I'm quite infamous, you know, and that people know my banner, the Pride of the Hunter banner, and it's very depressing for me when I can't meet I'm not going to say obligations, because that sounds like it's a job, and it's certainly not a job, it's more than that. But you know that's what I should be doing. Elliot Waters should be going to the Newcastle Knights games. Win, lose or draw, rain, hail or shine, it shouldn't matter. I should be at all the games giving it my all. So the team hopefully does as well, because that's what I do, that is what Elliot Waters does.

Speaker 0: 10:28

Yeah, you know. Yeah, there's also the fact that you know, I'm sort of known for it and stuff. But forget all that. You know, internally for me I get great joy out of going to these games and that's why I get really frustrated when I'm in these moods where I struggle to be able to handle, you know, the sensory overload that, admittedly, a sold out McDonald Jones Stadium does, because it's not, you know, even when I'm going well, the games. You know it's still a tough environment for me because there's a lot going on. You know there's a lot of bright lights and there's 30,000 people, you know, sitting around me and stuff. You know, like, like, even if my social anxiety isn't totally peaking, like just just the fact that I'm autistic, and you know stuff like that. And you know just the sensory overload, like there's a lot going on. It's a very loud, bright, vibrant environment and I'm not always cut out for that, naturally, and I have to go above and beyond again to sort of overcome that. But then when I am able to overcome it, I get great enjoyment out of the experience and it's also very empowering because I know that every time I go to a game and give it my all that I'm pushing back against these mental illnesses that do not want me going and want me staying at home. But unfortunately, I think that's what's going to happen today Because, as we know listening to the more recent episodes, that my social capacity is is dwindling big time and I think a big part of that is because of my work and the fact that I'm so customer focused and customer facing and a lot of team members and all that, and we get to the weekend like it is now and I'm zonked.

Speaker 0: 12:14

You know what I mean. It's not all bad news. Last night, for example, I went out with some friends, just to the pub, and had my first drink, my first alcoholic beverage in five weeks. It was a Kilkenny. So hello to all of the Irish listeners out there. I love Kilkenny. It's a great beer, it's like a milkshake, it's just beautiful. I only had one, though I drove. I only had one. Nothing silly, there was no abusing anything, it was just a really good sit down, catch up and talk about how things are going and I really, really, really enjoyed it.

Speaker 0: 12:52

But even that experience there's a social capacity cost, there's an energy output. That is inherent in it, obviously, and that's the case for everyone. Excuse me, that is inherent in it, obviously, and that's the case for everyone, excuse me, but obviously for people who don't have much capacity to begin with, even catching up with friends can be a big deal, and it was a big deal, you know. Like I remember I left I was like, oh, you know, that was a big couple of hours, but man, that was fun, I loved it. I enjoyed it so much, that was great.

Speaker 0: 13:21

But I think there's a bit of a hangover effect, not from drinking, but a social hangover effect that is unfortunately doing its thing here today and I think that's why I can't, I don't, I don't think I'll be able to make the game, which, which, because you know, I've got people that I was going to meet there and sit with, and again there's that social element. Obviously 3,000 people aren't all going to be talking to me, but the people I go with will be, and I just I don't know. I just don't know if I've got it. I just don't know if I've got it today, which is pretty annoying too, because I don't know some of you may be listening to the podcast here today for the first time. I should have mentioned this at the start of the episode, when people were still hooked in. So if you're still listening, thank you for sticking through, even though my voice, I can hear, is getting worse and worse as I keep babbling on.

Speaker 0: 14:18

But see, I knew me being strategic. You know I love putting my podcast posters up around Newcastle. I've mentioned this before on the show. I have this autistic, I think, fixation. I really really enjoy driving around, usually late at night on my own, with my staple gun and a whole wad of posters that I make and I put them on every telegraph pole, every power pole in Newcastle and it's everywhere like for promotion. But I don't know, there's some joy I get out of it. I know it's a bit weird, probably, and people probably see these posters and go what is this guy doing? What is wrong with this bloke? And to those people I say, listen to the bloody show and then you'll find out. But I'm very content just driving around singing Oasis and ACDC songs and pulling over and putting up posters with my staple gun. I love it. And I put up last night a lot of posters around McDonald Jones Stadium because I knew that the game was going to be a sellout and there'll be a lot of people hanging around the stadium. So there's a lot of podcast posters up around the stadium right now.

Speaker 0: 15:30

So if you are a first time listener because you've seen the posters hanging up around the stadium outside the stadium, welcome to the show. Thank you for listening and, if you'd like, please reach out to me on instagram at elliotttwaters and let me know if you have started listing because of the posters, because a few people have done that. They've said you know I saw your poster on whatever street you know, in newcastle and, and you know I've subscribed, I've started listing. I'm so glad I did and it's, you know, it's a, it's the feedback, it's, you know, it's amazing feedback and I'm so grateful that people would take the time out to, first off, listen to the show, but then also, you know, message me and, you know, say such kind things.

Speaker 0: 16:12

But it is good to hear from people that have discovered the show through the posters, because a lot of effort goes into making these posters and laminating them all. Like I'm telling you guys, I've got A4 sheets, I've got A3 sheets, I've got posters that give a bit of an outline of what the show's all about. So that's more for areas where people might be walking their dog, for example, I might stop and just have a quick read and go oh, that's something I'd like to listen to. But then I've got other posters as well, which is just the logo of the podcast and the name of the podcast in big writing and underneath that says Mental Health Insights. So you know, there's a few different designs there. There's different sizes of the posters. I laminate all of them. A lot of time and effort goes into these posters. So if you are somebody who has listened because of one of these many, many pieces of paper that I've stuck up all around Newey, well, feel free to let me know. That would be really good.

Speaker 0: 17:13

But to get back on topic and I am going to wrap this up shortly because the voice is declining at a rapid rate yeah, but I don't know if I'm. I don't think I'm going to be able to make the game today and it's really I don't know. It's. I feel like I can't win, like if I go I could get overwhelmed. But I do know, even if I'm overwhelmed, there'll still be that satisfaction and I'll get the enjoyment out of going. But then I'll also get that satisfaction of pushing back against my mental illnesses. But if I stay at home and watch it on TV, well then you know I'm playing it safe and I won't be as overstimulated and I might be able to do more this afternoon, for example after the game, if I don't go. But then I'm emboldening and empowering not myself but these mental illnesses, in particular the social anxiety disorder or the social anxiety component of, I guess, my autism. So you know it's a difficult one. Like you know, the best way forward is to go to the game. I just don't know if I can. I don't know If I do go to the game.

Speaker 0: 18:27

I will definitely report back and let you know I've done an episode. Actually it was probably a year or two ago, I think. Now it's called Tackling Social Anxiety, pride of the Hunter or Pride of the Hunter, tackling Social Anxiety, and that episode is exactly the episode that I hope I might be able to do this afternoon, which is after going to the game, despite the feelings that I am experiencing. So that episode is about me overcoming my social anxiety tendencies and getting to the game and giving it my all. And I don't know. I suppose that's a good episode. So if you want to listen to that, feel free. It's a cracker, like they all are, but I would like to hope that maybe I'll do almost a carbon copy of that episode again here today. That would be amazing. But I just I don't know, guys, I don't know.

Speaker 0: 19:23

It's been a big week. It's been a big, big week. I've got more to talk about, about what's happened this week. There's been some really exciting developments, I guess, in my I guess sort of professional career. I'm not going to go into too much just now, but we know that there's been complications with my work at Bunnings, with the forklift operating, but my work at the university and in research, that stuff has been going really good and I've got some great news to report on that as well. So stay tuned. But that's all for now. I'm going to wrap it up there. I'm going to go get some warm tea and I don't know.

Speaker 0: 20:02

I used to use a dehumidifier no, no, not a dehumidifier, a humidifier in my room. When I first started the podcast in my little room where I used to live, I had this humidifier because supposedly singers and public speakers do this before they present or go on stage or whatever. Excuse me, jeez, sorry everybody. So I had one of these humidifiers because obviously, you know, I present, I'm a public speaker for the Black Dog Institute and I have this podcast which involves using my voice as well. So you know it was an investment that I thought might help, but I didn't really notice much difference. But it could be these sorts of situations where it would have come in handy because, according to chat GPT, I should have a humidifier. So I don't know, maybe I'll go get another one at some point, but anyway, that'll do.

Speaker 0: 20:56

I'm going to stop waffling on now. Thank you everybody for listening. As always, I do appreciate it. If you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating because it's good for the algorithm and you can share it around with your mates. And you can follow me on instagram at elliotttwaters, and you can also follow the show on facebook by searching the dysregulated podcast. All right, until next time. Thank you guys. Have a good one. See you later.