Speaker 0: 0:10

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulator podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Today's episode is the next in the fortnightly check-in series, but before we get into that, I'd just like to remind you that you can like, subscribe, give this show a great rating because it's good for the algorithm, and you can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters, and you can follow the show on Facebook by searching the Disregulated Podcast.

Speaker 0: 0:45

All right, so let's see how things have been going over the last little bit. Now, before I start, I do want to say that this episode is not going to be particularly positive. So if you're looking for an uplifting and maybe more comical view, perhaps, of mental health, this episode probably isn't going to be the one for you. But at the same time, this is mental illness in its complete, raw, vulnerable. You know, this is exactly how it is for some people. This is exactly how it is for me, and that is a big part of why I think this podcast is important, because I am not going to be shying away from the difficult things that have been going on, because these difficult things are not just things that happen to me. There will be a lot of people listening that will be able to relate to a lot of what I'm about to say, which is unfortunate, but at the same time, hey, at least we're in this together and, trust me, I'm looking for I'm very much looking for some sort of remedy to fix this problem that we are facing, that I'm facing in particular with the mental health system, but at this point I haven't quite found the answer yet. But I'm going to go into some detail about what's been going on.

Speaker 0: 2:26

Now I will start with the appointment that I had at James Fletcher Hospital more recently with the psychiatrist. I did an episode. The last episode, I believe it was was on that appointment. I'm going to expand a little bit more on it now because I've had a few days to think about it and these are my very raw, vulnerable feelings towards what is going on and what it means for my trajectory and my prognosis moving forward as far as my mental health is concerned. So you may remember because I did quite a few episodes leading up to this appointment that I was quite excited because I thought this would be the opportunity finally to be able to start to taper off my medications remembering I'm on seven medications and although I'm on seven medications, I still feel absolutely rubbish and my mental health outcomes have been very poor and progressively getting worse, despite the fact that I am on these medications, and these are heavy medications as well.

Speaker 0: 3:41

But let's face it, they're not doing the job, you know, and just quickly. The job that I want them to do isn't to fix everything. You know, there's no magic pill or pills that's going to fix my mental health outlook. There's not. You know, what's really going to turn this into a life worth living is the psychological work. There is so much therapy that I need to do that I have been doing, but continue that need to continue to do to ensure that I get to that position where I am building a life worth living. But what I want the medications to do is to get me out of the hole so I can engage with the psychological therapies properly. So to peel back some of those obsessive thoughts, the 24-7 anxiety, you know, the crushing depression a lot of these are driven by emotions that don't have any logic to them, which tells me, you know, this is more of a chemical sort of potential imbalance thing going on. The feelings, the negative feelings, the anxiety, all that sort of stuff I feel can be alleviated somewhat by the medications. And if that can happen then I have the freedom and the space mentally to be able to then engage in the psychological therapies properly.

Speaker 0: 5:15

Because you know I've got lots of diagnoses, you know, from borderline personality disorder to OCD, to ADHD, to autism, to, I don't know, social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, in particular generalized anxiety disorder. That's a huge one. Um, some of those diagnoses um are very much going to be fixed, hopefully by psychotherapy, very much going to be fixed hopefully by psychotherapy. Bpd being a classic medication does not do much for BPD but psychotherapy definitely does. But then there's other disorders I've got, like, say, the ADHD and OCD sort of combination. Psychotherapy can definitely help on that front as well. But a lot of the core sort of repetitive, obsessive, intrusive thoughts and a lot of the ADHD just unable to concentrate on anything for any long periods of time, a lot of that can be alleviated by medication. So for me it's you know, it's obviously with the array of disorders that I'm battling a holistic approach is the approach that has to be taken because it's so varied.

Speaker 0: 6:39

You know, one thing that I guess is a positive about all the disorders that I have is that my story is quite broad, and I think that's why this podcast is reasonably successful because you know, I can wear a lot of different hats when it comes to mental health and a lot of my story, because it does have that wide scope, does seem to relate, you know, to a lot of my listeners, you guys, you legends that support me every time. So that's good, but you know, the whole aim of this podcast, when I first started, it was well, it was to be my journal, which it has been. It certainly has turned out to be my journal, but it was also to be a bit of, I guess, inspiration for people, because it was going to be about me improving over time, and the podcast was going to be a show that, you know, showed that there were incremental improvements to be made and to give people hope for that. The problem is, though, of course, especially for the people who have been listening, long-term, if anything, things have gotten progressively worse, and that's obviously not a good thing, and it's especially not a good thing when I'm on seven medications, like, if I'm on seven meds and they're heavy medications, you know, like, like. You know, I would expect better results, and that's the argument that I was trying to make to the psychiatrist the other day, which was that, you know, I don't think throwing a thousand medications at this is going to cut it. We need to, in my opinion, peel it all back, go back to baseline. So taper off all these medications, go back to my baseline, see what we're dealing with and then go from there.

Speaker 0: 8:45

And you know, I'm a realist, I suppose, in the sense that, you know, for someone with such a complex mental health presentation, you know, I think it'd be naive of me to think that I could get away with this without any medications whatsoever. I just don't think that's feasible and I'm okay with that. I am, but if I'm going to have medications, I want them to work and actually make things better and improve things and allow me to engage in psychology properly, which is where the real gains as far as quality of life is concerned. And that has not so far happened, in my opinion, because, as I said, things feel as though they're getting worse and there is evidence that I'm going to produce shortly that shows that in my real world, not just inside my head, in my external environment, there are now signs that things are not going as planned, and I'll talk about that in a minute. So that was the plan going into the appointment, which was to try and get some sort of tapering plan happening and hopefully and I was reasonably confident about this because I've had many referrals sent from my GP that has reaffirmed this idea that he and I believe that an admission to a psychiatric ward would be the best course of action, because these medications, as I said, they're heavy stuff.

Speaker 0: 10:26

You don't just taper off pregabalin or Lyrica easily without there being massive rebound effects of anxiety and low mood. Clomipramine, the tricyclic antidepressant extremely strong antidepressant, old school, lots of side effects, but it's strong. Tapering off such a strong medication that hits serotonin so hard can cause big problems Again a massive drop in mood, a massive rebound anxiety effect and all the things that come with titrating off antidepressants, like brain zaps and nausea. And you know like this is heavy stuff and I'm on. There's plenty of other medications too that I'm on that also have their complications, like even propranolol and clonidine, which are first and foremost their medications for blood pressure, but they're also really, really good for the physical effects of anxiety. But tapering off clonidine can cause a massive rebound spike in blood pressure and that's not healthy, especially as someone like me whose blood pressure is elevated as it is. So you know, and there's a few more meds as well that can cause their own problems, like, for example, quetiapine although I've now switched off it, but going into this appointment I was still on Seroquel.

Speaker 0: 12:13

Going off Seroquel often means not being able to sleep for days, and no sleep is really really bad for people with mental health concerns Really bad. So you know, as far as I can tell, this is sort of dangerous territory and I cannot see a way in which I can taper off these medications successfully in the community, in my own bedroom at mummy and daddy's house. As a 34-year-old, remembering that just living here is so triggering because it reaffirms this idea, whether it's true or not, that I'm failing at life, that I'm living with mum and dad at 34. And that's on my good days, with mum and dad at 34, and that's on my good days. I feel like that. You know, if my mood gets worse, those thoughts are only going to get stronger. You know that could be a recipe for disaster, and the way I see it, from all my research, and from professionals as well that I've spoken to briefly the expectation is that things will get worse before they get better. And already things are pretty bloody bad and can't get much worse. So if it's going to have to get worse, I'll be honest with you'm scared. I am scared of the pain and the anguish that is coming if I taper off these medications, but the reason I'm doing it is because of, hopefully, some long-term benefits.

Speaker 0: 13:57

There's a word that keeps following me around I've mentioned it on the show before and I'm sick of hearing it, but I keep hearing it which is potential. Elliot, you have so much potential. You could do such great things. You know, blah, blah, blah. You know, like I'm not dismissing that idea because you know the people that say that to me. I respect their opinions and I respect them, and so you know, although my automate response is to say that's not true, you know, I'm just elliot, I'm a loser, whatever I can't. You know, I am trying to push outside and and agree as much as I can with what other people are saying in my external environment, and it seems pretty consistent that people believe that if I can get my shit sorted, that I can achieve great things, whatever the hell that means. So that was the plan.

Speaker 0: 14:55

I went in there with a pretty clear goal that I wanted to start a tapering plan. I wanted to hopefully have an admission where this could be done under supervision and then we could reassess once I'm at baseline, once I'm off all the meds and we'll see how I'm really tracking, and then probably we would add one or two medications back in, because I'm not naive Seven diagnoses or whatever it is, eight, seven, something like that, I'm on seven medications. I think it would be a bit naive to think that I could get away with not being on any meds at all. And you look at the disorders that I've got, like borderline personality disorder, for example, is very much, um, a disorder that is treated well and the gold standard is through psychotherapy, dialectical behavior therapy being the pick of the bunch but not the only way to do it. Um, but psychology is where the gains are made for BPD and BPD, unfortunately, is still a big part of my life.

Speaker 0: 16:09

But then I look at some of the other disorders I've got, like OCD and ADHD. They are more you know they also. You know psychotherapy definitely, definitely helps with those two disorders as well, for sure. But there is definitely a place, excuse me, for medications for those disorders, definitely. You know, adhd stimulant medication is the gold standard, you know, is the gold standard, you know, and and OCD, um, uh, medications like chlamypramine, which is what I'm on, the tricyclic antidepressant it is the gold standard for OCD, but coupled with psychotherapy is where the best gains are made. Um, and and things like generalized anxiety disorder. It's a bit of a 50-50 sort of thing, but you know, overall the best results and the research is very clear on this is that a combination of medication plus psychotherapy is almost always the best course of action.

Speaker 0: 17:22

Now my psychotherapy work, my psychologist and I have made some great gains, great gains until a few weeks ago, and the reason why the gains all of a sudden stopped and I regressed back into my old ways of thinking is because at the same time I was trying to get help from the New South Wales mental health system to have a full review of my medications and do this whole tapering and withdrawing in a safe space and then starting again. You know I wanted a real comprehensive look at my condition, which is very complex, and unfortunately I've only really hit roadblocks ever since I've been fobbed off. I haven't been taken seriously, it seems, and, try as I might, I have not been able to convince a psychiatrist in the public system to take me on properly and really invest the time and energy to making me be able to reach this potential that supposedly I've got. And it's hard because I present to these psychiatrists whether it's in the emergency department at the Mater Hospital or whether it's at the James Fletcher Hospital for the more structured appointments that I have, which is what I had the other day and there is another one coming up in two weeks and I'm looking forward to reporting on that and seeing what happens. But the outcome of the latest appointment with the psychiatrist at James Fletcher, where I had such high hopes, was that all we did was subtract one medication, which was the quetiapine, the Seroquel, and add metazepine in instead. And as I said in the previous episode, I am open to the idea that metazepine may help. Somebody in my family uses metazepine and it's been very successful for them. So you know I'm keeping an open mind on these things. It's a medication I haven't tried before. I've done some research on metazepine. There is evidence that it does help with anxiety, but at the same time there's evidence that all the other meds that I'm on help with anxiety as well, and I can tell you right now that my anxiety is still as chronic as ever and it is a 24-7 battle. Even when I'm asleep I'm dreaming about situations in which anxiety is a huge part of it. You know, like there is no real escape for me from that way of thinking. So, yeah, it's been hard. You know, I left that appointment.

Speaker 0: 20:28

I made that episode previously and I was in reasonably good spirits because I was excited about the fact that metazepine might do the job. But I don't know, a few days has passed since and that excitement has definitely died down because it just feels like, you know, died down, because it just feels like, you know, we're just throwing a dart at the dartboard and whatever medication that dart lands on, we'll just chuck it at Elliot and we'll see how we go. Like the psychiatrist even said you know, have you been on any SSRIs before? And I was like God, have I been on any SSRIs before? Of course I have. You don't go on a tricyclic antidepressant like chlamypramine unless you've been on some SSRIs or SNRIs before. And I've been on plenty. And I was like no, yes, no, sorry. I was like, yes, I've been on them and no them and no, they have not helped. Um, that's why I'm on the tca, the tricyclic um, and you know that in itself sort of knocked me off off a little bit and made me a bit uncomfortable.

Speaker 0: 21:38

Because you know, if you read all my notes and there's plenty of them in my file, because you know I'm no stranger to the system like it says in pretty pretty, um, detailed, um depth that I've tried all these medications. You know I've trialed over like 30 medications. Now I think I'm up to across all the different classes, whether it's mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants and the different levels of antidepressants. You know, like stimulant medication, even the blood pressure medications that are also now indicated for the physical aspects of anxiety, like clonidine and propranolol, like you know I've tried all them. Like, come on, you know, like let's not rehash information that has already been said a million times. Let's look at moving forward instead of looking backwards and let's come up with a plan, moving forward, that's going to work.

Speaker 0: 22:45

And I just don't think adding metazapine is going to be the thing that unlocks my potential. I just don't think it is. But I don't know, it's too early to tell. It is too early to tell. You know, medications like metazapine take a little bit of time to sort of kick in and their effects to be known. As of yet I haven't noticed any real difference in how I've been feeling. But you know, again, it is early days and I don't want to jump the gun. So that's a little bit extra, just a bit of extra thought. Around that appointment at James Fletcher, I do have another appointment coming up in two to three weeks. It'll be interesting to see how that goes. I'll be pushing again for the fact that I'm willing to do anything to get the help that I need.

Speaker 0: 23:45

Because I did mention, you know, I mentioned going back to IJMU, the Intermediate Stay Mental Health Ward, and I mentioned going to Morissette Hospital, which does deal with a lot of high risk individuals, especially and this is what the doctor told me with, with schizophrenia who are a danger to the community. There's the forensic ward for those who have committed criminal offenses but have been, um, I guess, under the influence of mental illnesses, um, so you know, they've committed a crime but they've got a mental illness, but you can't just reintroduce them into the community. So you put them into a psychiatric ward and, you know, try and improve things from there. And I said, you know I will go to Morissette, I don't care, you know, I'll get there if I need to. I'll get there if I need to.

Speaker 0: 24:48

And I was told that, yeah, you know, usually it's for people with schizophrenia or suffering from psychosis, or you know. And I said, I said, look, if, if I need to go psychotic to get the help that I need, I'll do it. I will do it. And that is a big call. Let me tell you, that is a big call because there is nothing I've never been psychotic before and maybe that's why I'm suggesting that I do it, maybe because I haven't experienced it and experienced how bad it can be. I have experienced psychotic breaks before, which are sort of mini psychotic episodes where you don't quite go all the way but you definitely do lose touch with reality for a period of time. Um, actually, those, those, um, psychotic breaks probably deserves their own episodes. Come think of it, because it's it's very interesting stuff. So I'm gonna write that on my list. That's coming Get excited.

Speaker 0: 25:59

But you know, and the other way to get into the to Morissette is if you're a threat to other people. And I basically said, well, look, do I have to threaten to stab somebody to? You know, get the help that I need, because I'll do that too. Now, don't get me wrong, everybody, I was saying that more for, you know, theatrical effect I have. No, I have no intentions whatsoever to bring anybody else into this nightmare of mine. Um, but you know, I did want to test the boundaries and see. You know what the response was. And the response was. You know, don't do that. And if you have any feelings of doing that, make sure you present to the martyr straight away. And I was like, yeah, okay, yeah, I get that, but you could tell that is the sort of stuff. That is what you got to do.

Speaker 0: 26:49

To get the help that you need in this system, you need to be psychotic, or you need to be bipolar and manic, or you need to be a threat to yourself, which I can do well enough, or a threat to other people, which I can do well enough, or a threat to other people, which is a step that I don't want to take. But the rest of it is sort of on the cards, because I'm getting desperate, I need help. You know, I've got complex mental illnesses, very complex, very dangerous. Borderline personality disorder is dangerous, um, you know, generalized anxiety disorder in the fact that it it disables me from being able to engage in the world properly, and then the depression that comes with it is very, very dangerous. Um, I'm not going to go through all my diagnoses, but they are all high risk, especially at this point, because they are getting more intense, because I'm not getting the help that I need and I'm at my wits end and I'm not completely sure what to do next. But I am working on that and I'll let you guys know what that could be.

Speaker 0: 28:08

But this is the thing. I don't want anything to escalate from here. I'm already at the point where you know my life is suffering big time and I'm asking myself the question more and more whether it is worth to keep going on. Is it worth the suffering? Because life is suffering for all of us, that you know. I'm not the only person who's got some things going on. You know there'll be plenty of you guys listening. I'm sure that can relate to at least part, if not the majority, of what I'm saying right now. Um, this is not an elliot only problem, that's for sure, but it is an Elliot problem, that is also for sure, and I don't want this to get much worse, because it hurts. It hurts physically, it hurts mentally and you know like it's a burden that I'm carrying. That is just bearing me every day and it's impacting the way that I engage with the world because I am disengaging with the world.

Speaker 0: 29:14

And all this supposed potential I've got, that I've been told by people you know, like okay, let's say, even though I find it hard to believe, but let's say that I do have all this great potential to do these great things in the mental health space. It's being squandered and it's not being squandered through lack of effort by me, because I am trying. I'm going to therapy weekly. At the moment it's fortnightly because I'm running out of money because it's very expensive. At the moment it's fortnightly because I'm running out of money because it's very expensive. But you know I'm doing the work in therapy. I think about this stuff 24-7,. You know I'm trying to figure out the answer to all of this and when I do figure it out, you guys will be the first to know. Don't worry about that.

Speaker 0: 30:04

But I need help. I can't do this on my own. I thought for a long time I could, but I need help. I can't do this on my own. I thought for a long time I could, but I can't, I cannot do this on my own. These mental health disorders are too strong for me in my current state. They're overpowering me. They're overpowering me as much. As I'm pushing back as hard as I can. They're pushing back harder they are. As I'm pushing back as hard as I can, they're pushing back harder they are.

Speaker 0: 30:29

I need some allies in my corner, and I do have some great allies in my corner. I've got some great friends and family and, and you know, work colleagues and stuff that are really you know, they're really right behind me, but there is only so much they can do. What I need is mental health professionals to really look at me and go right, you're my project and I'm going to work on you and we're going to get you to where we need to get you. Like, I'm the most willing patient there is. Like I've said this repeatedly, I will do anything. Like I said, I will go to Morissette, I'll go to the forensic ward, I don't care, give me a bed and I'll taper, and you know, I'll just deal with the people that I'm there with. You know, these are my people, though that's the thing you know.

Speaker 0: 31:23

Like I am mentally unwell and I have that streak to me that, I think, would bode well in that sort of environment. Not that I really want to tap into that, but you know, I'm very, I'm getting very hardened because of what I've been going through and I do have this part of me and I do have this part of me, this BPD demon, you could say, that is ready to take on anybody. It is, and I keep it under wraps because I don't want that to happen. But it's there, you know I can handle it, bring it on, I don't care, you know. But there's also Bloomfield, out at Orange, which I've mentioned. A lot about Bloomfield, you know, and I asked about there, you know, getting an extended staying at the extended stay ward out there. You know, I'll do it three months, six months longer, I don't care.

Speaker 0: 32:19

I'm 34, now's the time I need to turn this life around before things start getting away from me, you know, like forget about marriage and children and buying my house and all this, which I would love to do one day. I'm more talking about having the energy and the ability to turn this ship around. I think it's a lot easier to do at age 34 than it is at age 64. You know what I mean, I think the time is now to get this happening, but I can't seem. I don't know if it's because I'm not very good at advocating for myself, I don't know if it's because I come across as too insightful into my own situation I think that's a huge part of it just quietly, and I don't know what it is, but unfortunately the system just does not want to help and instead of tapering me off medications, I was told to start a new one which is the opposite of what I was looking for going in there.

Speaker 0: 33:26

So you know, it's very disheartening because, as far as I'm aware, the public system has a responsibility to help people like me, because I've been in the system before and the system has prescribed me a lot of. The majority of these medications have been prescribed not by my private psychiatrist. Whenever I can afford one, which has been a long time now um, the majority have been prescribed in the public setting. So to me it's. You know you guys have a responsibility to maybe right the wrongs of incorrect medication prescriptions. Um, you know, is it isn't the system. You know I don't want to blame the system, but you guys have put me on all these meds and it hasn't worked. Like, you know, you haven't done your job, your job's not finished yet because I'm getting worse. So, let's, you know, let's do something about this. And again, like I said so many times, I'm the most willing patient. You will find I will do anything.

Speaker 0: 34:42

Ect, where they electric shock your brain. You know that. You know like it's. It's an old school um treatment, but they still use it. They still use ECT Um, you know, if you think, um, yeah, it's not quite. You know they don't do lobotomies anymore, which is great, but ECT is still heavy stuff. Your brain is electrocuted, but there's great results come from ECT.

Speaker 0: 35:14

The problem is you do get some memory deficits. But hey, I'm getting memory deficits now because of the Lyrica and Pregabalin I'm on. I'm getting memory deficits because of the Climipramine that I'm on, like I don't care, like just, you know, I don't care, just plug me in. If you need to, if it's going to help me long-term, plug me in or do whatever. You know, I don't care, change medications, whatever. But let's have a bit of a plan and instead of just fobbing me off and just being like, oh yeah, here's some metazapine, you know, you know, we'll see how you go, it's like, come on, come on. You know what more do I have to do to get proper help here? And it's getting to the point where escalation seems to be the answer, which I do not want to do.

Speaker 0: 36:06

But I'm telling you, my BPD demon inside is ready to go and my frustration and anger at how I've been treated for so long over the years and how that at 34, even though I've been getting treated for decades, now that things are getting worse and not better, I'm starting to get really, really pissed off about it, really pissed off. And when I get in those sorts of moods, that's when the BPD traits, I suppose, tend to come to the fore. And I don't know, I'm not an angry person, I'd like to think, I'd like to think I'm measured, and you know I think things through before I say things mostly, which is something I learned from dialectical behavior therapy, which is for BPD. But at the same time, like you, only live once and I think I deserve better. That's one thing in therapy that has really clicked, which is this idea that you know, a self-compassion, I suppose, and a bit of love for the self.

Speaker 0: 37:24

And you know, for a long time there I didn't believe that I deserved any help and that I was defective and that was the way it was. And you know, really what I should do is just do the mundane things and live within myself and not create too much trouble, because you know that's what I deserved. But I've undone that way of thinking through lots of therapy and now I believe that you know I do, I'm a good person, I do good things. You know I try and help the community, I try and help the people around me. You know I'm doing a lot of work in the mental health space and what motivates me to do it is that I don't want other people to have to go through what I am going through, because it's not fair and it feels terrible, and I want all of us to live the best lives that we can and I think the best way we can do that is by helping each other. So I am trying to do that and I think that's a good thing and I think people who think like that deserve some nice things in their life as well.

Speaker 0: 38:35

You know, I don't know the the old adage of the more you put in, the more you get out, and you know good things should happen to good people. And I don't know I feel like I'm an all right person and I deserve a bit more. You know I deserve my case to be taken seriously and some serious measures to be taken to ensure that I can live a life where I'm happy and I'm not thinking about, you know, death constantly, or I'm not thinking about, you know, health anxiety in general or anxiety about the future or the fact that I don't have this and this and this, and everyone around me seems to have this, this and this, and to constantly compare myself to other people and beat myself down. You know, I don't think I deserve that. I don't. So that is also a big part of why I'm fighting so hard to get some results here, because you know what I'm a good person I am and I deserve better. And if one of my friends I'll tell you now if one of my friends or even work colleagues was going through this and telling me what was going on, I'll tell you what I would be absolutely appalled and you know like it would just oh man, and it's taken a long time to have the same sort of you know to use the mirror to mirror that back towards me and be like hang on, let's pretend I'm that friend, you know, and the same now, thankfully, through a lot of therapy. The same respect is given to the self, which is great, and that's what, I guess, makes me sad in some ways, but pissed off as well, because, you know, I think I deserve better, deserve better. So anyway, that's the story there.

Speaker 0: 40:30

This episode is proving to be, um, quite the in-depth long look at things. And it's not over yet, because there is more news to report about what has happened to me lately. This is very recent and this one has really been a kick to the guts. I'm not going to lie. So, as we know, I work at a job where I work in a timber yard and I'm a forklift operator, and I am the world's greatest forklift operator, just putting it out there. But, in all seriousness, I am a very good operator, and I am because I've been driving forklifts for many, many years now in a lot of different environments, from express freight, you know, trans ships, transport yards and now into timber yards. You know moving big loads and I've had like no errors. I'm a great loader and unloader of trucks, you know. It's something I really take pride in. It's one of the only things that I really give myself credit for um, which is being a good forklift operator.

Speaker 0: 41:39

Uh, but unfortunately the decision has been made at my work to uh to uh relinquish the role of me being a forklift operator for the time being, because of the array of medications that I'm on and also the fact that it appears that my mask is slipping big time at work. And it's quite obvious to people that I'm struggling a lot. And it makes sense because constantly, you know I'm drinking pre-workout. You know putting scoops of pre-workout in a in a me cup and drinking it, you know in front of everyone and being like, all right, let's go, let's do it. You know I'm popping me medications you throughout the day which are prescribed, and I've got to pop these medications, like I'm allowed to. But at the same time it does put in a question if these meds and the fact that I have to have all this pre-workout because I'm always so tired, you know, does this cause potential risk? As far as me operating a forklift goes, and to be honest, it probably does.

Speaker 0: 42:55

For the record, and this is 100% serious, I do not believe that my performance or abilities on the forklift have been altered at all. I am still the best I am. I am the best. I keep saying it because I really need to believe it and I do believe it, but I've got to keep reaffirming it. But at the same time, I can see why people would be concerned seeing me, you know, walking around, you know looking, you know quite tired and using a lot of caffeine, a lot of coffee to you know sort of get through the day and I'm popping pills and you know, and some of these medications are sedative. You know, like the quetiapine, the Seroquel is sedative, although I'm off it now and it's been replaced by metazapine, it is also sedative. Um, the chlamypramine, um is sedative. There's a lot of medications I'm on, um, even the lyrica, the pregabalin, it can be sedative as well. Um, obviously, the stimulant medication is at the opposite end of the scale. It sharpens me up and keeps me focused and really dialed in.

Speaker 0: 44:12

But, on the face of things, the business has a liability issue to look at and the decision has been made that, for the short to medium term, I'm the hen, my forklift keys back and not operate the forklift moving forward, which has been a bit of a body blow. I'm not going to lie because, like I said before, one of the only things that I truly believe I am good at and competent at is being a forklift operator and it is also one of the only motivating factors I have when I go to my work, because I've said in previous episodes that where I work it's in retail. It's constant customer focused and customer facing. Constant customer focused and facing customer facing. There are multiple, multiple customer interactions constantly throughout my shifts, which I do find difficult. Being someone who has autism and social anxiety disorder and that my social capacity has dwindled so much over time, I do get very burnt out every shift by just the amount of times I have to talk to people and that is difficult.

Speaker 0: 45:40

But when I jump on that forklift, I'll tell you right now it's mindfulness. That's a term that's used a lot, but it is mindfulness. When I'm on that forklift I am 100% focused on my task on that forklift because I am a great operator. I do not let things deviate my attention from what I'm doing, because it is a dangerous role and things can go wrong and if they go wrong they go very wrong and I am not risking that. So when I jump on that forklift I am locked in and it's really good for my mental health because often I'm walking around the timber yard putting stock away by hand and stuff and I am thinking about my future and the big questions in life. But when I'm on that forklift and I'm doing that concrete wall or I'm unloading trucks full of timber and you know I am locked in, dialed in and I do a fantastic job and the fact that now I can't do that is going to be very hard moving forward, especially when it comes to being motivated to get to work and give it all that I can and I will. I will give it everything I've got for sure. I just don't have that escape where I can recharge quickly and then go back to the customer interactions. So it's going to be difficult. It's going to be difficult.

Speaker 0: 47:14

There's no real secret that I am looking for new work. I want to do something in mental health. Again. I've had this big question should I go back into the transport industry, which I did for many years? I worked in transport logistics and loved it, absolutely loved it. I've always thought I've had a bit of unfinished business in that industry and I'd love to go back into it and then integrate some mental health stuff into the industry as well. Or the other option has been to go into mental health and work for an organization doing who knows what. But you know, hopefully something to do with community engagement would be brilliant.

Speaker 0: 48:02

But the fact that it's looking unlikely in the short to medium term that I'm going to actually get off these medications, that just about cancels out any chance I have of getting back into transport and logistics, because it's very, very unusual to be able to work in those environments when you're on the sedatives that I am. But the mental health side of things obviously don't worry about that as much, because that's sort of you know, part of the territory, that's part of the game and that's part of the lived experience that I would bring to any role. So I think that decision, which I've really been mulling over a lot, has now been made for me, which is, yeah, to go into the mental health thing full tilt. But it is disappointing because I wanted to make the decision myself and not have it forced upon me like it has been. But you know what can I say? That's life, these things happen, and I can't fault my work at all. They've treated this really well. They've given me some time off to have a think about things before I get back to work next week, and I really, really appreciate that.

Speaker 0: 49:25

Bunnings Warehouse has been amazing as far as my mental health is concerned For the almost nine years I've been with the business. So I don't have a bad word to say about the business whatsoever. I've only got good things to say to report, especially in regards to my mental health. But this has been a bit of a kick in the guts and it's taking a while to come to terms with it, that's for sure. But anyway, that's life. You just got to cop it on the chin and you've got to move on All right. So before I finish up nice and quick, we're almost at 50 minutes. This is another of those bigger episodes. I did get some feedback from people saying that they enjoyed the longer episodes, so here's one for you for sure.

Speaker 0: 50:14

Coming soon, though, is some more intake interviews. I've got some people lined up for some interviews, which I'm so excited including my friend who has worked she's a social worker and has worked extensively in the Corrections NSW system has provided me some really great insight into what is going on and why I'm probably not getting the help that I feel like I should be getting. She has some very strong theories as to why that could be and, to be honest, it makes sense. It's a bit again disheartening that's a word I've used a lot today. It is a bit disheartening, but she will be amazing to interview because she has so much knowledge on this subject and on mental health in general. And I can't wait to get that one uploaded, because not only is it going to help I think, you guys, the listeners, I think it's going to help me massively as well. I've got a feeling it's going to be one of those interviews where I'm just sitting there listening and learning and jotting things down, and hopefully my sort of. You know, I don't know this for sure, but I am hoping that maybe at the end of the interview with her we may come up with a plan moving forward to get me the help that I need in the system. We'll see what happens, but she's very knowledgeable on how it works and she's had to go into battle for her clients in the system herself. So you know she's a pretty hardened warrior when it comes to these sorts of things and I'm really excited to get her on the show. All right, thank you everybody. I do appreciate it. Thank you for listening.

Speaker 0: 52:13

As always, I don't have the greatest news to report today, but I promise good news is coming and there's some episodes I'm going to be doing soon about some specific mental health disorders and also the mental health of the people that I used to see come through the doors as they're buying multiple vodka, red Bulls and just seeing, unfortunately, in a lot of the cases, the deterioration of these individuals as the night went on. For example, I'd see people come in as a relationship and then on their way out they will have broken up and then the next weekend they're back in as a relationship again. I saw it all. It was amazing. So, yeah, that'll be a fun episode to talk about, because I've got some great stories from the Cambridge Hotel. Some of it's disgusting because I was a glassy and that included not just picking up the glasses, they included cleaning up vomit and unclogging toilets.

Speaker 0: 53:35

But I don't want to spoil it. That is all coming and it's going to be it's. I think it's going to be quite funny, but at the same time it's all true. You know, it's all character building, so I can't wait to bring that one to you as well. All right, thank you for listening. Like I said, thank you for your support. I always appreciate it. Feel free to message me on Instagram at elliotttwaters, and also to follow the page on Facebook by searching the Dysregulated Podcast, and you can message me on there as well. Very soon, the Q&A segment will be coming too, so if you've got some questions that you'd like me to answer on the show, by all means send them through as well. I'll add them to my little list that I'm building and we'll get through them and we'll see if we can make sense of it together. All right, thanks for listening, everybody, and I'll see you next time here on the dysregulated podcast. You.