Speaker 1: 0:10

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast, as always. Thank you for tuning in. If you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating because it's great for the algorithm and you can share it around with your mates. And you can follow me on Instagram at elliottwaters, and you can follow the show on Facebook by searching the dysregulated podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:33

All right, so to begin with, I'm sorry everybody, apologies, I've got to stop doing this. I keep doing this to you and I need to stop, and that is, by you know, leaving yous all on myself as well a cliffhanger of an episode and then not updating for a while. It's been over a week since the last episode, and the last episode was dealing with some pretty heavy stuff, and the one before that was even heavier, and then all of a sudden radio silence, so I apologize. Thank you to everybody who has reached out to make sure things are going okay. Things are going okay, but it's not perfect. Let's put it that way. There's some good things happening, which I'll talk about shortly, and there's some not so good things happening, but may lead to good things happening, if that makes sense, which I hope it will in a minute. So the major news, the big news, is that I have a date. I have a date with destiny. I have a date with a psychiatrist at the James Fletcher Hospital excuse me, james Fletcher Campus. I have a appointment with a psychiatrist there, which will then determine what the next steps are, whether that is admission to IJMU, whether that's admission to another extended stay unit, such as Bloomfield that I've mentioned a few times at Orange in central New South Wales, or even Morrissette, a bit closer to home, but usually for forensic cases and those deemed unable to operate, I suppose, safely in the community.

Speaker 1: 2:08

So, unfortunately, a lot of people with psychotic disorders and schizophrenia seem to go to Morissette. But, as I've said to them, I'm willing to go there, I'll go anywhere. I need to get off these medications so I can change my career and I can change the trajectory of my life. And I can change the trajectory of my life and I can stop living this garbage life and actually do some things and make some change. You know, out there and feel confident about it and you know all that sort of stuff. I want to live a life where I'm content. Sometimes I'm content, you know, and think, oh yeah, things are pretty good right now, and you know, I was even talking to my father about it literally just before about how I'm constantly and I've said this so many times on the show, but it needs to be said again because I need to keep validating it to myself. That's important.

Speaker 1: 2:51

What I'm saying is that I'm constantly in a state of fight, flight or freeze constantly got this hypervigilance driven by my amygdala, my two amygdalas, driving this hypervigilance that unfortunately, my prefrontal cortex is not strong enough, or at least the neural pathway to the amygdala is not strong enough, to say hey, listen, I've got some logic here to say that what you're stressing about is not logical, it's not even close to being part of what reality actually is. Let's change our perception on this situation. Let's you know, maybe, for example, go for a drive and not expect people to t-bone me constantly, like I always do, even before I went for a drive before, because it's a beautiful day here in Newcastle, a beautiful day, very cold start to the day, and I couldn't sleep last night, so I was up early at like seven o'clock. So I was like, instead of laying in bed and just being pissed off that I can't sleep, I might as well get up and do something. So I went for a drive around Newcastle, around the beaches Nobby's Beach, newcastle Beach, down past Bar Beach, merriweather Beach, beautiful, beautiful, definitely God's country. I say it a lot, but it's true Newcastle is God's country and I'm having one of those ADHD moments again where I'm forgetting. This happens and I say this every episode. This happens every episode.

Speaker 1: 4:15

What was I saying? I was driving. Oh yeah, that's right. Yes, I'm driving around and you know the way I go. I like to go through this area called Honeysuckle. Right and around the beaches is sort of one single lane in each direction, you know. So there's no person driving next to you, parallel. Because when I'm in traffic with cars parallel to me, next to me, I keep looking at the drivers next to me, their hand positions, to see if they've adjusted their hand position and they're about to turn into me and cause an accident, cause a crash, which will then cause a massive catastrophe. I'll lose all my money, lose my car, lose everything. You know. Seriously, that's what I'm thinking as I'm driving often and you know, driving is my greatest coping strategy. It is it's my most adaptive strategy that I've got to calm down when I'm in those heightened moods. But at the same time that creates heightened moods because the actual act of driving or at least the idiots around me I feel as though that they're going to run into me and there's going to be huge ramifications moving forward because of it. So that's where I need a stronger prefrontal. So that's yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:29

So that's the amygdala, okay, the fierce sensory center of the brain. There's two round bits and they're sort of above the ear, in inside the brain subcortical regions. Anyway, these very old brain clumps and neurons. The amygdala is all about hypervigilance and making sure that we don't get run over by a bus, but more about making sure we don't get eaten by a lion or ripped apart by a bear although there's not many bears in Australia, not many lions either, but still that's the whole point of the amygdala and it's a very, very old part of the brain, brain, subcortical part of the brain, and it's been great because it stops people from doing stupid things for starters and getting killed, and it also stops people from maybe getting into situations that are not appropriate and not safe and can cause the potentiality of some sort of negative event happening. So the amygdala is all about keeping us alive. It looks around in the environment and it's like, all right, I'm seeing threats there, got to be careful about that. I'm seeing threats there, got to be careful about that. It's constantly scanning.

Speaker 1: 6:40

But the role of the prefrontal cortex at the front, you know, behind your forehead, a much newer brain developed, part, much, much newer. It's not part of the subcortical regions, it's come later. You know, 50,000 years later it's evolved and it says hang on, amygdala, we are living in 2025 or whatever it is. There's no lines here, we can relax, it's fine. Car accidents are rare. We can relax, it's fine. Yes, there is a danger, potentially when driving a motor vehicle, but generally speaking, there are no problems. It is fine, it's safe, it's fine to do. Just do it, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1: 7:23

And unfortunately, I don't have that strong neural pathway between my prefrontal cortex giving that logical advice to my amygdala and saying, hey, put your guns down, it's all right, we're safe, it's fine, we're going to be okay. Unfortunately, my amygdala is so strong, my amygdala, that it is overpowering, instead of the prefrontal cortex overpowering the amygdala, like it should, obviously, if the scenario constitutes it, because sometimes there is legitimate fear and the prefrontal cortex will say, yep, amygdala, you bang on. This is not good. Let's come up with a plan together to get the hell out of here. You bang on. This is not good. Let's come up with a plan together to get the hell out of here.

Speaker 1: 8:08

But usually, most of the time, people have a very strong neural pathway between the prefrontal cortex that's very loud and the amygdala that's also loud, but will listen to the prefrontal cortex and most of the time people don't even think about the threats that I think about constantly, because they never really see them, because the prefrontal cortex is so in tuned and does such a good job at nullifying the overreaction of the amygdala that these events don't happen. These events, as in thinking that things are going to happen when they actually are not going to happen at all, it's safe, it's all right, put down your guns, it's fine, amygdala, it's fine, we're all right. So, yeah, so I can't remember why I brought that up, but that was something that was big on my drive this morning, which was that I was having amygdala hijack and hijacking and it was. It was a shame because it was a beautiful morning and I did not want to be driving around worried about people hitting me and, as I said, it's that much of a concern that I've adapted my behavior around this way of thinking, this negative adaption, this negative way of thinking, by driving certain routes that are single lane. So there is not that potential or well, not as much potential for anything to come flying in from the side and whooshka.

Speaker 1: 9:28

But yeah, that's a very long-winded example of what my life is like and what it's like for a lot of other people as well. There will be people listening right now and I well, I know how you feel. I'm so sorry that you have to go through the same level of hypervigilance as perhaps I do too, because it sucks, man, it sucks. I love driving, you know. I love putting the windows down and playing songs, and I think half the reason why I play my music so loud and sing so loud is to try and drown out my amygdala, which sometimes I do a better job of it than others, but unfortunately this morning was not one of those better times.

Speaker 1: 10:10

So anyway, that's the story. That's what was happening this morning. Newcastle was putting on a show, looking beautiful, but unfortunately my anxiety once again got in the way of what was a beautiful moment to be grateful for, and it was really, really beautiful. Now I don't know why I got talking onto that track, but I know I was mentioning the date that has been set. The date has been, so I'm going to go back to that. I don't know when I was meant to explain that through that long-winded story just then. But anyway, we're going to circle back to the dates. The date has been made for me to have this appointment at James Fletcher Hospital the 5th of August. Write it down in your diaries the 5th of August, elliot is seeing a psychiatrist at James Fletcher to figure out what the next steps are.

Speaker 1: 10:59

Now I've already done a bit of the legwork already, which is I've started tapering from medications already. Now I did not want to do this in the community. I did not want to do this at home, living in my bedroom where I grew up in with my parents. I just feel that if my negative headspace, that's already withstanding, gets worse, that things will get really, really bad. But anyway, for some reason I've decided you know what, to hell with it. I'm going to start early.

Speaker 1: 11:30

I have started tapering down my chlamypramine, my tricyclic antidepressant. Chlamypramine is a very, very strong medication, very serotonergic, so it's a serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, but very strong on the serotonin reuptake inhibination very strong, and that's why it's good for things like OCD, because there seems to be this connection between anxiety and OCD and serotonin. But of course we know it's more complicated than just that. But this is the gold standard treatment for OCD. I have OCD and that has been the treatment I've used, but at the same time I don't think it's done the job, and chlamypramine has a whole list of side effects that I could rattle off.

Speaker 1: 12:19

But the reason these tricyclic antidepressants are not used much anymore is not because they don't work, because they work really well. It's the side effects and the potential ramifications longer term, and that can include things such as, from what I've been reading, some neural issues and some loss of some gray matter and some movement disorder sort of issues can happen, which I'm already getting. I've already got bladder issues and the other one has big problems there too, and there's more now all the dry mouth that I get constantly and I'm just so dehydrated all the time. There's a lot of side effects to it is what I'm saying, and if it's not quite doing the job, well, let's get rid of it because it's not worth it, especially because I want to go back into an industry, the transport industry, which generally requires you to be off these sorts of medications, because it's also very sedating as well, and I have a big problem with being very tired and sleepy during the day Could be connected, dunno, we're going to find out.

Speaker 1: 13:22

So, anyway, so the medication I was on was I was on 250 milligrams. The max dose generally well, not generally the accepted max dose is 200, but it isn't unheard of for people to go higher to 250. So that's 10 tablets, right? So 10,. These 25 milligram tablets, they're tiny. It's the most painful thing in the world. Remember those little lollies, nerds for the people that I don't know if it's an Australian thing or everywhere. Those little nerds, those little sort of ball things. That's what these tablets are like. I'll push out 10 of these every night when I have my medication.

Speaker 1: 14:00

The dosage I've gone down. I went down to eight, which is 200 milligrams, of course, which is the recommended max dose. So I got down to at least that part, which is good. Now I've gone further. I'm now down to six. So what's that? 150 milligrams? And I'm going to sit on this for a little bit, because I had me starting to get some withdrawal effects. Now I need to also.

Speaker 1: 14:28

Uh, there's a big caveat in this which I haven't mentioned, which is I'm on annual leave at the moment. I'm on annual leave, so I am able to just lay in bed all day if I need to, while I'm withdrawing off these medications, and that's what has started to happen. So today is the first day all week. Today's Friday, I haven't really done anything outside of bed since I don't know.

Speaker 1: 14:47

Last Sunday probably, I'd say Very little, been very tired, had lots of sweats Not the same as the real bad sweats that I get sometimes after long periods of panic. These are more, I don't know, more like flushes, I suppose, but yeah, lots of like stomach problems and just feeling so, just flat and just, oh man, it's been hell. It has been really difficult, but I'm just holding on and just thinking look, even if I get it down lower, even if I sit at, so I've got next week annual leave as well. Even if I sit on 150 milligrams for another week and just sit there until at least until the 5th of August when I see this psychiatrist, that's pretty good. That's below the max dose. Side effects will come down a little bit. The withdrawals will eventually balance out, which will be fine. Today is a much better day, although I couldn't sleep, which I think is connected because it is sedating medication as well. It's so complicated, there's so many moving parts, but today has been a better day and I've been on the six tablets, the 150, for a few days now. So hopefully I'm balancing out a bit. I'm thinking about dropping down to five, but we'll see. We'll see how we go. I'm not completely sold on that, but maybe, maybe.

Speaker 1: 16:18

And did I just get my maths wrong? How many? Six times 25, what's that? 22, 550. Yeah, it's what. What See, this is.

Speaker 1: 16:31

This is where this is a good illustration, actually, of how frustrating my brain is. So I'm talking about pretty advanced neuroscience right now, the. You know, most undergraduates wouldn't really have a taste of the depth of what I'm sort of talking about here when it comes to, you know the yeah, my neuropsychological makeup, anyway, so I can talk about, you know what I feel are advanced topics like that with not relative ease but a sense of expertise, because I've done a lot of practice. You know, my whole life I've been mimicking social behavior and trying to figure out what it is people are doing, and I've also done a degree in it and I've done a lot of work in the space and some would say that to do. You know, I don't think this is being arrogant, but to have some degree of authority on that level of neuroscience. Not that I'm a neuroscientist, don't get me wrong, definitely not. It's basic overall, I mean for the general person. You know, you've got to have a reasonable level of IQ and yet I can't figure out what.

Speaker 1: 17:35

25 times 6 is 150. That's right. So if I go down to is 125. This is what I thought. So how much 10? Oh, I don't know. Anyway, whatever, down to 125.

Speaker 1: 17:52

But that is an example of how painful my brain is that I can talk about stuff like neuroscience. But then a simple calculation I didn't say out loud what I thought the answer was, but thankfully, 125 is what I was thinking. But I just don't under. Hang on, how does that work? That can't what? Oh, cause 125 times two is is 250, not 300. Okay, all right. So there you go, everybody.

Speaker 1: 18:21

I've, I've, it's, it's official, I can't do basic maths. It's official, I can't do basic maths. That's crazy. Why did my brain, why did I think 125, for some reason, was 300 milligrams? That's what was getting me there just then. I was like, hang on, when I was taking 10 tablets a night. I wasn't taking 300 milligrams. Anyway, it doesn't matter, it's been figured out.

Speaker 1: 18:42

I'm sorry, this is probably not entertaining whatsoever. So I'm sorry, this is probably not entertaining whatsoever, so I'm going to wrap this up. So I'm going to wrap this up with a lot. Well, now I've got to lick my wounds now. That was quite embarrassing, but again, it's an example of how neurodiverse people such as myself, our brains, work in different ways, how we can be fixated on one topic but then be quite blinded on another. That is a great example that I wish I could say I did on purpose, but I certainly did not. But anyway, the moral of the story is I'm tapering off some medications.

Speaker 1: 19:15

It's been a really hard couple of weeks, let me tell you. It's been a really, really hard, really hard couple of weeks and I've got a feeling it's going to get harder. So thank you everybody, everybody, for your support so far. I do appreciate it. I'm horrendous at replying at messages. I'm sorry, it's a social capacity thing. It's not that I don't care, I promise. Trust me, I think about replying to messages constantly because I feel so guilty and I want to engage with people, but that social capacity just gets in the way when I'm on zero. I just can't do it. It's just oh anyway. Anyway, thank you for listening everybody. So the date has been set.

Speaker 1: 19:57

The main moral of this episode, which I barely touched on, is the fact that I am seeing the psychiatrist that has the potential, that has the power, the authority to make some decisions regarding my trajectory forward. It's all happening the 5th of August and I'm holding on to hope that things are going to turn around and that's going to be that sort of turning moment. And it's like boom. I look back and think, yep, that was it when they said Elliot, we're going to admit you to wherever. That was the turning point. Look at me, go now, you know, two years later, I've got everything I want. I don't know. Anyway, all right, thank you everybody. Thank you for listening. I do appreciate it. You can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters, and you can follow the show, remember, on Facebook by searching the Dysregulated Podcast. Until next time. Thanks for listening. Goodbye, thank you.