Speaker 1: 0:10

Hello everybody, my name is Ellie Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in, alright. So today's episode, I said it'd be a little bit more positive and it will be, because there have been good moves as far as me and the mental health system are concerned. The system is starting to take notice, which is amazing, and I'll get into that in a minute. But at the same time, I'm not going to shy away from the truth, and the fact of the matter is that life has been particularly difficult for me the last few days, the last few weeks, last few months and, let's be honest, the last few years, but really the last few weeks it's been getting quite acute at times and it's been getting quite worrying for me, that's for sure, because I feel like I'm going into territory that maybe I don't have as much control over as previously I have.

Speaker 1: 1:06

There's been some pretty, you know, you've heard it. There have been big episodes, you know negative spirals You've heard them on the show before, but especially lately, the last couple of episodes as well, because I'm giving you all the insight that I can into how I'm feeling. And the truth is I've been feeling pretty rubbish. You know, my anxiety has been hell, but the low mood has been brittle as well. That's the bit that's starting to scare me the anxiety. Don't get me wrong. The anxiety is ruining my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not diminishing the effects that anxiety has on me at all. Anxiety has ruined so many great things and, as I'll say in a minute, it's made even this good news difficult to obtain. But it's the low mood stuff that's really biting, because usually it's the anxiety that comes first, then the low mood because I'm not able to function in the way that I need to which causes me to feel depressed, and this happens to a lot of people. This isn't just an Elliot thing, but it certainly is an Elliot thing. But this low mood is sort of now taken on a life of its own and it's operating independent of the anxiety. The anxiety is still feeding it, don't get me wrong, but it's. You know, my depression is standing on its own two legs and it's like all right, I'm going to create my own hell here for Elliot and come along for the ride if you want to. We can do this together. But I've got some things I want to do on my own and that's sort of what's been happening.

Speaker 1: 2:37

I don't know how to explain this in a way that people understand, but it feels like my depression is diverging a little bit from my anxiety and, as a result, it's getting stronger and stronger. These thoughts about not having all that much to live for, these thoughts have gotten so strong and they just feel like I don't know. It just feels. It's hard to explain, but it just feels like this isn't a secondary response to some anxiety. This is something. This is a beast on its own and this is a beast that's causing me a lot of troubles and I need to get a handle on it. And the thing that's scary is that, as I've said in the previous episodes, or I've alluded to, I think and if I haven't I'll explain it now because it's certainly true which is that I think I need a little bit of help to push back against this level of low mood, this level of anxiety. Doing it on my own just isn't working hasn't worked, and I do fear that, without adequate help, that these things could get worse and I don't know where that leads. That's scary. Anyway, as I said, this episode is meant to be more positive than it is, and it will be because there is some positive news to report. So we may remember that.

Speaker 1: 3:56

You know, I was with a psychologist and we rang the mental health line and I spoke to him again. I've explained all that on the previous episode. If you haven't listened to it, I suggest that you do, because for many reasons, but one great reason is that you will not get better insight I don't reckon into the world of mental illness than some of the stuff that I've spoken about on that episode previously. But anyway, we know that this podcast goes further than any other, or at least I think it does. I don't need to harp on that again, although it's true. So please, you know, believe it. Anyway, what was I saying?

Speaker 1: 4:31

Yes, so I got talking to the mental health line with my psychologist and there was a referral made to the Newcastle Community Mental Health Team. This is a team that I've been referred to before after little visits to the Mater Hospital, the emergency department. I've been referred to them before, but often I've found in my experience that they haven't reached out to me and in a way I fell through the cracks a few times because they didn't reach out, for whatever reason, I don't know. Maybe the referrals that didn't go through. I'd say they are unbelievably understaffed, as the whole New South Wales health system is, as the whole of society seems to be, and it wouldn't shock me if the capacity was just not there to be able to contact me. And maybe they triaged Because often I leave the martyr after telling the doctors you know the things are actually okay, because I'm, you know, not very good at advocating for myself and I tend to play down how bad things really are.

Speaker 1: 5:36

So maybe, I don't know, maybe they've seen the notes and it doesn't seem as all that bad because I've downplayed everything and they think he's okay. Now we'll focus on someone else. I don't know, but if that is the case, I'll tell you what something changed this time, because they rang the next day, which was great and that in itself was validating, because it was like all right, there's something going on here Enough that the community team has said right, elliot needs a hand, let's contact him and try and give him a hand. Now, at this point, this is the next day. Okay, this is the day after the previous episode here on the show, and there's the ADHD brain again. This is unbelievable how it keeps happening every episode. All right, I've got to have my system. What was I saying? But yeah, the fact that they rang was validating, which was great, even though at this point I wasn't able to answer the phone call because of my anxiety.

Speaker 1: 6:30

And that's the thing, my phobia of phone calls makes this process so much more difficult. Because it's a functionality that you sort of need in general in life as a human being the ability to socialize with each other. And in the modern world, making phone calls is a very crucial part of what it is to be human and to communicate and to get the things that you want and need, because you've got to communicate these things or else no one knows what's going on. That's been the problem in the past with me and the mental health system. Often is that not only do I not advocate very well for myself because I tend to play everything down, I also don't answer phone calls or make phone calls that I need to make or answer, which then stops me from getting the help that I need. This has happened so many times over the years. It's not funny and it's a direct result of my mental illnesses, in particular my generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder, which a lot of it stems from being autistic. So, you know, this is why it's so difficult, and has been difficult for me to get help, because my mental illnesses and a lot of people will be like, yeah, yep, this happens to me too.

Speaker 1: 7:45

My mental illnesses actively work against me when I'm trying to make these good, positive steps. Okay, these mental illnesses do it across the board. You know, if I want to go for a run, we know I get so anxious before I go for that run and I compare myself to how great I used to be, you know. And then I don't go because I feel so discouraged because I'm nowhere near like I used to be, you know. And then I don't go because I feel so you know discouraged because I'm nowhere near like I used to be, you know, that's just one example, but there's so many examples. Again, a lot of you guys will be thinking, yeah, I can think of a few where these mental illnesses actively work against our best interests. That's what they do. That's why they're so bad and they need to be. You know, we need to get a hold of them and wrestle them into control.

Speaker 1: 8:28

So the day after, you know, the last few days, my anxiety has been pretty bad. I'm not going to lie. It's been pretty bad and my low mood has bounced back a little bit, which is great. That's good news, because we were pretty low there. Let me tell you I don't have to go through that. You've heard the episodes, I'm sure, previous the last two. I think they explain pretty well. I'd like to think how depressed I've been feeling and how much this idea of lack of hope has been plaguing me and my thoughts the last couple of weeks. But the good news is my mood has rebounded a little bit and that's because the community mental health team have reached out and has validated in just by reaching out, has validated what I'm going through and has offered that little bit of hope.

Speaker 1: 9:17

But I needed, you know. So they rang and I missed the call and I was a little bit sort of happy because, like, well, at least they've rung. But you know don't get me wrong I thought very quickly, quickly, that's not enough. You know, I need to actually get on the phone and talk to them and talk about a plan moving forward and see what they can offer me. You know, it's a good thing that there's that little bit of validation, but, come on, that ain't going to be enough to push all these mental illnesses back into their corners and be able to lead a life that's worth living. You know, I've got to do more than that. I need to answer this phone call, I need to ring them back.

Speaker 1: 9:49

So how on earth do I overcome the anxiety to ring them back? Well, there were two main ways that I did it. And it took until the following day. So this was yesterday, sorry, not sorry, sorry, got that wrong, not yesterday, today being Tuesday, it was Friday, so Thursday. So Wednesday was the psychology appointment where my psychologist and I rang the mental health line New South geez, new South Wales, excuse me, mental health line. That was Wednesday. Thursday is when they were trying to contact me and I couldn't answer, even though I was happy that they were making the effort. But Friday was then the day that I was able to make the phone call, ring them back and have a really good conversation, which has spurred on a lot of this rebound in mood.

Speaker 1: 10:40

But I had to make that phone call. I knew how important it was, you know. So this is what I had to do to make that phone call. I knew how important it was, you know, so this is what I had to do to make it happen. The first thing was I did a lot of I did a lot of, I guess, cognitive restructuring. So I did a lot of um, imagination work of how I was hoping the phone call might go. Um, trying to imagine the phone call going, going well and being positive and and being all the things that I'm hoping it will be, and imagining that there is no pushback or negativity or anger or disappointment, all those negative emotions from the other person that then I take on and carry with me for the rest of the day and it ruins my day, ruins my week, whatever. I was trying to really imagine the fact that that doesn't really happen and in this context, it'd be very unusual for it to happen as well. What I was concerned about and I think this was a legitimate concern was that and I haven't had this answer just yet but that they might not be able to provide what I'm really hoping that they could, which, of course, is some sort of framework around maybe getting off these medications, maybe going to a psychiatric ward in the system like IJMU, or maybe somewhere else like Bloomfield in Orange, an extended stay ward, morissette, even, whatever.

Speaker 1: 11:58

So you know, I knew and I know that there was a lot of pressure on this phone call. There was a lot riding on it and you know, even if I was the most mentally well person, you know there should have been a bit of anxiety around this phone call because of the significance and the potentiality that is embedded in this call. You know there's no two ways about it. This phone call could change everything and I tried not to think about that too much because that's too significant. You know, phone call that could change everything and then I automatically think it could change everything for the worse. You know I need to get away from that all or nothing thinking Even. You know, I knew I wouldn't be able to think this could be life changing for the better and really embody, you know, and like, believe it and personify it. That was never going to happen. That's just not me.

Speaker 1: 12:49

So the best I could do which would be good enough, I was hoping was to try and take a bit of that, that thinking around the significance of the phone call away and just try and treat it as any other phone call and go into it with open curiosity. And go into it with open curiosity and a bit of hope, but not trying to, I suppose, imagine and be a fortune teller and imagine what's going to happen, because if I do that, I automatically was thinking this will be a massive, significant phone call. It's going to end badly, I'm going to be so depressed and that's the end of everything. I knew that's what my automatic sort of default thinking was going to be around this phone call, if I allowed myself to get lost in the significance, the potential significance. There was no way, because I know me that I would think of the significance in a positive light and believe that that's what was going to happen. So the best I could do, what I decided to do, was to take the significance away from them and just try, try and treat it as any other phone call, and that took a lot of thinking.

Speaker 1: 13:57

Unfortunately, though, that wasn't the only sort of step that I needed to make. So I'll admit, I did lean on my medications quite a bit to be able to make this phone call, so in particular the Vyvanse, dexamphetamine medication, because this is the thing when I have Vyvanse, there's always this little window. This is what makes it a bit dangerous potentially, but there is always this little window I'm afforded where I have confidence and I don't have any anxiety sort of floating around. I don't know, maybe that's what it's like for people Normally. I wouldn't have a clue. But it is good. It's a nice little relief, although I know it never lasts. But it does feel good to have that anxiety taken away, even if it's only for like 30 minutes, 45 an hour rarely is it any more than that and then often the anxiety will come back double anyway. So that little fleeting moment is just that, just a little fleeting moment.

Speaker 1: 14:55

But I wanted to take advantage and I thought, right, this was my plan. I was like, if I can do all the mental, psychological stuff, get myself in a position where I'm pretty good, then use the Vyvanse to get this window of opportunity. It would be during that window of opportunity, when the anxiety levels were lower, that I'd be able to make this phone call. So a lot went into it and I was able to do it. So it's not the best, probably healthiest way, most adaptive way to do these things. But look at this point I just got to make this phone call. It doesn't matter how I do it. The phone call needs to be made because the potential is there that this could be life-changing. This is the system reaching out to offer me assistance and so I did make the phone call.

Speaker 1: 15:37

I made the phone call and as it was ringing, I was petrified. The anxiety came back real quick but I was already into it. I wasn't going to hang up. And then, once the phone my ring, my call was answered. Yes, did I disassociate quite a bit? I sure did. So. I don't remember everything about the conversation because my safety mechanisms were trying to flee from the scene because there was too much anxiety and stress involved. But once I was in it, I was able to stay in it in the moment and I was able to have a conversation with a very helpful mental health professional on the other end of the phone who was very helpful and very engaged and interested in my story and validated me in a big big way, which was amazing. Interested in my story and validated me in a big big way, which was amazing. So the phone call like I said, I don't remember all of it, but I did tell her my usual spills.

Speaker 1: 16:31

She had copies of my referrals from my psychologist and from the martyr previously and my GP, so she had a bit of an idea of what was going on anyway, which was very, very helpful, because I wasn't really you know I'm getting a bit sick of repeating my story constantly to different mental health professionals. So I didn't have to do all that this time, which was great, and that really, really helped, because then I was able to just devote energy towards how I believe my prognosis can improve, the things that I think need to happen, and then be able to get her opinion on that. This was only, you know, an introductory sort of call, you know what I mean, but it did tick a lot of the right boxes. So she knew my story. So I felt heard, my story was understood, I felt she validated it and said some really nice words. You know that I've sort of held on to to try and remember that I am one tough cookie, don't you worry about that and every day is a battle, but every day I face up to it and there's no knocking me down. You know what I mean. I'll just keep on trucking.

Speaker 1: 17:36

But that was important because I've been battling such a low mood lately that the low mood I assumed would come back after this phone call, because that seems to be my default setting at the moment. So for her to say some really kind things and some things that I knew I could hold on to. That was really good as far as pushing back against a bit of a low mood later on in the day as it tried to develop. But the big important thing was that she said many times she said thing was that she said many times, she said, elliot, the system, we are going to help, you are now with us, we are going to do something for you, and she kept saying it over and over again, which was great because I needed that constant reassurance, because I feel like the system has let me down so many times previously, and so it was great to get you know she was very firm on this, very firm, and it didn't feel like she was just mucking around and saying it was great to get you know she was very firm on this, very firm, and it didn't feel like she was just mucking around and saying it. You know, because that's what her piece of paper says that she should say.

Speaker 1: 18:33

The whole conversation felt very genuine, which was really good again, as far as my anxiety goes and keeping it at bay, and when she said repeatedly that that the system would be helping and that not to, you know, to not worry because the system's now engaged. You know, it just felt really real and it was really genuine. It felt and it was really great to hear because I needed to hear it. Forget about plans moving forward. That in itself was enough to hear. I did mention how I feel like extended stay wards like Bloomfield at Orange, or intermediate wards again, like IJMU or even Morissette Hospital. I said I am open to anything.

Speaker 1: 19:18

Although I was disassociating through the phone call, I remember saying very firmly and I was very with it and grounded when I said this and I said I'm the most willing patient you'll find I will do anything to get on top of this mental health you know sort of landscape of mine to iron out these complexities and build that life that I believe is worth living and maybe achieve some of the things that supposedly my potential alludes me to. I don't know, we'll see what happens, but I'm I'll do anything. I'll do it right now. Let's go.

Speaker 1: 19:52

Unfortunately she wasn't able to put things in motion right there and then, but she said again repeatedly and very genuinely, I believe she said because this was Friday afternoon, she said I am going to go Once we're off the phone, I'm going to go get a psychiatrist right now and I'm going to talk to them about your story right now and then Monday, over the weekend, we're going to sort this out, and Monday we're going to give you a call and we're going to come up with a plan. And she said you know, I've heard your story. I feel the pain that you have, but I also understand. You know how willing you are for change and what you'll do and the things that you'll do and the good things that you may bring to the world if you have the ability to do so. And I was like, yes, yes, thank you. You know, that's what I need to hear. So that was great.

Speaker 1: 20:45

So she was very firm on the fact that the system was now going to help. And she was also very firm on the fact that she would talk to a doctor before the day was through, unless they'd already left early for a long weekend, which, she said, sometimes they like to do. And I said you know, I understand we all like a long weekend, but I just thanked her. I kept thanking her so much for taking me seriously and genuinely, you know, going into bat for me and trying to come up with a plan to make my life a little bit you know, a little bit nicer and worth living, and so I don't have to keep questioning if it's worth the suffering and all that sort of stuff. You know what I mean. So this episode is a lot more positive.

Speaker 1: 21:24

I can't be too over the top because, you know, once I got off the phone half an hour later I was negative again. The anxiety never really went away, all that sort of stuff. But at the same time real moves were made. The problem was get to Monday. Yesterday I was super anxious again and I wasn't able to lift myself out of it because they were ringing. They did try and ring yesterday, but I just could not have that conversation. I just couldn't do it. I did not have the capacity, even though I knew the potential or the potentiality of the phone call.

Speaker 1: 22:00

As far as my life moving forward, and although that is exciting which is great I do feel excited a little bit now about what might be coming, even if it's going to get worse before it gets better. But at least there could be something coming. There could be a way out of this mess. But unfortunately my anxiety and my low mood as well was just too strong. Yes, I just couldn't do it. So, today being Tuesday, I've tried to call them and I got through. But the person they were going to transfer me through who isn't, I don't think, the same person? That it was Friday, but look, I don't care, whatever, as long as it gets through to somebody who's got the ability to pull some strings here. Unfortunately, they're on the phone and I couldn't get put through to them, which is fair enough, that's fine. I'm not the only person seeking help, and I understand that. But I am hoping that they're going to ring back and then I can present some more news to you guys about how great things are looking. All of a sudden, there's a plan in place, there's a framework for recovery.

Speaker 1: 23:03

Here we go. This is the moment that could change everything. I don't know, I haven't had that phone call just yet, but I have had the initial phone call. That is setting up the potential for that phone call next, and that's exciting, and it's really good that the system it's better than good that the system seems to now, you know, be taking me under its wing potentially. There's a lot of potential here, whether it's me or whether it's things in life, you know, and it's frustrating going on about this potential constantly, because I want to tell you guys about things that are actually happening. You know, things that are solid, you know that are real and tangible, that are actually happening, not just ideas or dreams or hopes.

Speaker 1: 23:46

But I've got a bit of hope again and you know this sorry last week. You know the episodes previous, I think, convey this idea pretty well, unfortunately that I was losing hope. Hope was just about gone and once you lose hope, it's very hard to come back from that and I was teetering on the edge of that. I'm not going to lie, unfortunately. But this phone call, this contact with the Newcastle Community Mental Health team, the fact that they seem willing and able to come to me with a plan moving forward I just need to answer their phone calls yeah, I'd be better at that but at the same time, this is a potential way forward and this is what I've needed and there is some hope, there is a bit of hope, but I really hope the next episode I do on here is some really good news about a plan that's going to happen, that's going to get me back on top, but hopefully that's coming. You know I keep looking at my phone as I do this episode.

Speaker 1: 24:46

Once again, this episode's going way longer than I planned. That's been a bit of a theme of these episodes lately. They've been going a bit longer than maybe usually my episodes here on the show would go. By all means, if you're still listening at this point of the episode, tell me if you enjoy this length of episode around the half an hour mark or it's shorter ones better. I don't actually know. I should ask people what you guys prefer, because then I can, you know, mold the show around that a little bit and, you know, come up with content that's engaging and gets the point across, maybe without waffling. But I don't know, maybe these longer episodes is what's required, because there is a lot of complexity that I need to get through and there is a bit going on, and the good news is there's a bit going on now in the good sense.

Speaker 1: 25:33

I didn't have much hope for the future whatsoever when I left that psychology appointment, although I was so grateful that my psychologist was going in a bat for me. At the same time, I had very little faith that the system was going to finally do something for me. But what's important, the takeaway message is the system has come to the party and is offering a degree of hope. I just need to be able to get onto them and have another good phone call with them to organize some of the details. But, as you know, that is hard because I have a lot of anxiety around phone calls. And that's the thing with mental illness. Often they do as much as they can to stop you, the individual or me, whatever, doing the things that need to be done to try and nullify these illnesses. They don't want to be diminished whatsoever. So they tend to kick up a stink, and that's what's happening with me. My anxiety is a little bit scared itself, I think, of what might be coming. So I was trying to put the blocks up, trying to put the brakes on, and it's sort of doing a good job of it. But I've been able to overcome it and I need to do it again. I just hope, because I am in that good frame of mind right now, that this phone call does come through soon. But maybe I'll just ring again Squeaky wheel, who knows? You know that's, but maybe I'll just ring again Squeaky wheel, who knows, that's something, maybe I need to do. All right, that's enough from me.

Speaker 1: 26:53

Again, lots of waffling. Sorry about that, everybody, but there's a lot going on at the moment and I am committed to the idea that I'm going to tell you everything. I'm going to give you all the complexity, all the feelings and different things that are going on, because no podcast that I know of goes to the depths, to the realities of mental illness like this one does. And that is a promise that I'm going to keep with you guys that this show will go all the way, and all the way it will. So that's the latest.

Speaker 1: 27:23

There's good news, everybody. There is good news, there's hope, there is potential here for some good things to happen and, god, I needed that to hold on to, because the last couple of days, last couple of weeks, have been really, really difficult. But, as we know, I don't have to go through that again. You've heard the episodes previous this one. You know I wouldn't say I'm jumping up and down in excitement, but there is that little bit of hope and sometimes that's all you need. All right, thank you for listening, everybody. I'll see you next time here on the Disregulated Podcast.