Speaker 0: 0:12

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulator podcast, as always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, this isn't the episode that I was planning on publishing today. The episode I was planning on publishing is one that's coming well. Hopefully it's now the next episode. It's on retroactive jealousy.

Speaker 0: 0:30

Retroactive jealousy, which is a huge, a huge component of my psyche, of my mental health story. It has caused me so much distress and it also affects so many other people as well, potentially at extreme ends of the scale, like me. Not always, though, but it seems to me that a lot of people can relate to it and I really want to do a good job on this retroactive jealousy episode. And because so much of it relates to my own story, like this, potentially this is potentially the most revealing episode that I've ever done. It will be it's going to have to be Retroactive jealousy for me, some of my darkest, darkest moments, where there's the most shame and guilt and even frustration and anger from the past. So much of it hinges on retroactive jealousy. I don't want to spoil it too much, because it's going to be a great episode. I'll tell you why I haven't been able to publish it just in a minute. But let's put it this way like my borderline personality disorder in particular, has used retroactive jealousy as its main weapon of choice, and my god did it hit me with both barrels. So this is going to be when I can get it out, when I'm confident enough to get it out there. This retroactive jealousy episode is going to be huge. It's going to be very revealing about me. It'll probably stop any chance of me getting a girlfriend ever in the future. But hey, I'm willing to do that for the people, because this podcast goes deeper, I'm telling you, than any other podcast, and this episode is going to show it again. This Retroactive Jealousy, no podcast goes to the depths of shame and guilt and agitation and anger and all that sort of stuff. That's all involved. None, I'm telling you, no show goes deeper. I'm going to prove it to you.

Speaker 0: 2:13

The problem is, I really want to do a good job of this episode and me being me, I've been so critical today, so this is what I've done. I've worked today from 5am, finished at 1.30am, got home At 2.30am, I sat down on the computer and it's now 20 to 9pm at night. This whole time I've sat here, the whole time, over and over and over again, trying to get this episode out. I'm just not happy with it because the inner critic is just blowing up Deluxe on fire.

Speaker 0: 2:41

Now, I knew this was going to happen because there's a lot of significance, as you might be able to understand, around this episode. It explains so much of my past behavior and it's also so difficult for me to go back to and talk about. But I know how important it is for people to understand, first off, for me where it's coming from, so my stories can be understood in the context of retroactive jealousy, because a lot of my stories have featured it, but I haven't directly addressed it because it needs to be addressed properly. So that's what I'm trying to do now, but it also needs to be. You know, I need to do a good job because a lot of people can relate to this as well. This is a huge one, you know. I've discovered, you know, in my time. So many people can relate to at least elements of retroactive jealousy. It's huge and that's why I want to do a really good job of it, because I wish I knew what this stuff was 15 years ago, because it could have changed the course of my direction big time, because for so long I had no idea what this phenomena was. So how on earth can you go up against something and defeat something like some mental health phenomena like this if you don't even know it exists? Like you know, for me it started off with thinking it was just me, and then I thought it was just people with BPD, which it's not very common, though and then I'm now discovering that you know most people, you know we can relate to this on some level.

Speaker 0: 4:04

Not everybody, thankfully, is at the extreme end. Unfortunately. It is for me and for so many others too, I must admit there's plenty of us, but at the same time, thankfully, most people are not at the extreme end, but people seem to relate to it. Whenever I've brought it up, people have been shocked and been like, oh, is there a name for that? Wow, yeah, I feel that sometimes, or I used to feel that in a past relationship or whatever. So that's why I have this pressure to do this properly, because it's important, I feel, for you, the listener. You guys need to know about retroactive jealousy. If it's not for you, it's for your friends, because I'm telling you, I reckon everyone will know somebody that is going through or has gone through this, whether they'll admit it or not, or whether they have the understanding or not, I don't know, but I think this is a very pervasive way of thinking that humans do succumb to in relationships and, again, I don't think there's a large proportion, hopefully, that are on the extreme end with me with retroactive jealousy. But I think this is a theme that comes up a lot and a lot of people can relate to it.

Speaker 0: 5:10

So I want to do a good job. I want to do a good job so people understand it, can take something away from it, identify it maybe within themselves or their partners, and also take away some of the keys sorry, skills and techniques. So I'm going to talk about towards the end of the episode as well. So I want to do a really good job on that front. And I also really want to do a good job because I really want to honor my own story, which is great, you know, and that's why I think it's taken me so long to do this episode. You know, I've wanted.

Speaker 0: 5:37

I've wanted to do it since I started the potty, which was three and a half years ago, or something that I haven't had the confidence to do it because I didn't think I understood it well enough to be able to impart some of that knowledge onto others where it can actually be helpful. So I needed to learn more about it, not just how it manifested within myself, but then also I needed to learn about how it manifested within myself so I could do myself and my own story justice, because it deserves to be told properly. And let me tell you, unfortunately, retroactive jealousy is a huge part of my story and after listening to this episode, a lot of my previous episodes, especially like the my Journal stuff and other episodes I've done about my past relationships a lot of that will make sense within the context of this. But previously I haven't felt comfortable enough doing it because I've got to do a good job of it, and that's been the problem today, over and over and over again, my inner critic's just like nut garbage delete, nut garbage delete. Literally just before I started talking for this episode, I just did 42 minutes worth of the Retroive Jealousy episode and then, on a whim, I decided nah, my inner critic decided and silly me, was listening at the time Nah, it's not good enough, get rid of it. We'll try again tomorrow. But that's the thing I need to get some episode out, or else I'll be so angry and agitated If I have to go to work tomorrow at 5am and I know that I haven't published at least this episode, for example I'm going to be so filthy, I will be so annoyed all day. It will ruin my day.

Speaker 0: 7:12

So I've got to get this episode out. So thanks for holding on everybody. Thank you. So that was the plan. I wanted to get that episode out today. It's not going to happen, but that's okay. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll give it another crack because it's got to be done properly.

Speaker 0: 7:27

What's a little bit concerning, though, is how strong my inner critic has been Even imposter syndrome to a certain degree, I think, too. Some of the parts within, like my 16 year old loose cannon self, for example. This is where he was born, this is where it all started for that poor part of mine, and you know there's a bit of trauma there to go through, and I'd say there's a bit of blocking going on by some of these parts, because it is hurtful and I don't really want to think about it again, because you know that's why they were created to get away from that sort of stuff. So you know there's a lot to it, but anyway, we'll try again tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get it out, because it's going to be a beauty. I just got to get it done.

Speaker 0: 8:07

What else has been happening in my world? Because we're going to make this now a fortnightly check-in what else has happened in my world is not much. So on the medication front, I don't have much to report. My chlamypramine I was on 250 milligrams. The max dose usually for chlamypramine is 200 milligrams, but I was on 250. So I was having 10 tablets instead of eight. I've now decided to bump my dosage back to eight, so from 10 to eight, from 250 milligrams to 200. 200 is the, as I said, the usual max dose.

Speaker 0: 8:45

So it's not like I'm dropping too far, like we're still, you know, dolled up to the gills with chlamypramine. Don't get me wrong. But that has been a little thing that I've started just to wean off a little bit, just to get it back down to at least within that approved sort of rate, like it was approved. But you know what I mean. Like, for the most part, 200 milligrams is this sort of upper limit and I'm happy to be back at that upper limit again and not exceeding it, especially because I don't think. I don't think I've been getting enough out of the medication to justify going to 250. So but again, that's that's a decision that I've made, because I cannot get in to see a doctor or I cannot get on to an extended stay mental health ward anywhere in New South Wales.

Speaker 0: 9:30

There's been no movement and this is why it's hard, because the thing is, you know my GP, I've seen my GP a bit right, and I've seen my GP since the last check-in episode. Actually, no, I haven't, because I read out the letters, didn't I? On about two episodes ago I read out the letters and I was like righto, these are my new referrals to Bloomfield Hospital, to IJMU as well, james Fletcher here in Newcastle. Let's hope this does something. I've heard nothing from anybody. Let's not forget, I've spoken to IJMU two weeks ago and they said oh yeah, here's your referral. Yeah, we'll make sure we read it and have a look. We'll get back to you. I've heard zero, which is exactly what I expected, but it's still disappointing and it's still making my road to recovery very, very difficult. So more referrals have been sent to IJMU. Heard nothing. More referrals have been sent to Bloomfield Hospital out at Orange in central New South Wales.

Speaker 0: 10:21

I'm willing to go anywhere. I'm telling you I've heard nothing. You know, remember, I've been to the MARTA begging for assistance and they supposedly wrote off a letter to IJMU, and you know, and to the community mental health care team. I've heard nothing. I forgot about that too. There was also the referral to the community mental health team, which is slightly different to the inpatient. You know, this is stuff that's done in the community.

Speaker 0: 10:47

I can't remember what the word is. External to the hospital. You come to the hospital and then you leave. You know what I mean. You don't stay, you do it sort of. I can't remember what it's called. I'm going to remember when I finish this episode. But whatever it's called, you're not an inpatient, but you're still being helped by the doctors at the hospital and you go in and see them. Anyway, that, excuse me. Nothing's happened there either. So I've had referrals there too.

Speaker 0: 11:13

So what I wanted there was to say all right, elliot, come in, we'll do an assessment. There's a waiting period, because this is the public health system. You know, it's great in Australia that you can get these services for free, if you can get access to them. But I was willing to get on a waiting list and sort of. You know, try and wait it out and try and do my best in the meantime. That's what I've been doing for 34 years and I've become pretty good at it, even though it's really wearing me down. But you know, that was the plan. I've heard nothing. I've heard nothing. I've heard nothing.

Speaker 0: 11:42

And let's not forget, I was also referred when I went to the martyr there's also a referral made to the acute care team because I was displaying some potential tendencies towards you know, there was some suicidal ideation going on. There was some very meek and mild threats, but they were there towards myself and I was very clear in saying you know, if I got to up the ante, you know you're basically forcing people like me to, you know, threaten other people. And I said I don't want to do that, of course, but like hello, what do you expect people like me to do? You know? So there was a bit of that. So they and I did that strategically in a way, because that then got them a bit oh, you know, we need to maybe just push this one along to the next level or whatever. And that was the acute care team, and they were meant to ring back and say how's things going? You know, you're right, you know, is there anything we can do? And I'd say, yeah, I'd love to see psychiatrists and they would make it, you know, organized. It's happened to me once before, um, but again, and this has happened so many times, uh, the acute care team just haven't called.

Speaker 0: 12:39

Now I've done an episode on the state of the New South Wales mental health system at the moment and it is on its knees. The New South Wales government will say that they've been able to patch up the gaps pretty well, but the thing is they hadn't patched up the gaps well before the psychiatrists did this mass resignation. Listen to the episode 30-odd psychiatrists have resigned, but there's 110, I think it was that are waiting for a decision by the Fair Work Commission here in Australia on their working conditions, waiting for a response from them, and then they have the intent to resign from the New South Wales public health system as a shelf of unity, I suppose, because their conditions are not being met and, as a result, the conditions for patients, you know, is untenable. People are falling through the cracks. The New South Wales system is not providing adequate care, so the psychiatrists are standing up and trying to do something about it. Again, listen to that episode if you want to learn more about the state of the system at the moment, but my understanding is that it's not in great shape.

Speaker 0: 13:45

As I said, the New South Wales government will say that things are going okay, that they've been able to smooth over most of the. There was an article the other day and they're saying oh, you know, we've been able to, you know, predict the, you know when things would be busy and we've been able to account for that and cover this and cover that. But like hello, come on. Before this they hadn't even been able to do it. Before any of these psychiatrists decided to strike or go and resign, there was already like a third of the workforce or a quarter of the workforce or positions were vacant in the New South Wales public health system already. That was before the mass resignations by the psychiatrists. Imagine what state the system is in now.

Speaker 0: 14:28

So that's why I'm really annoyed that nothing has happened as far as my referrals and my begging for some help. Because that's why I went to the emergency department, the Mater Hospital, like I have, unfortunately quite a few times before, and I said to them look, I'll do anything. We know this, I've read this about, I've spoken about this on the show before. But very quickly, I've said to them I will do anything, I will go anywhere. You know Orange is a couple of hours drive from Newcastle. For those that don't know, in the central west of New South Wales. You know it's no skin off my nose because I love road trips. But what I'm saying is I'm willing to go to a place like Bloomfield Hospital, the extended stay wards, if that's appropriate for me. I'm willing to go west, I'll go anywhere. I even said to them I'll go to Morissette Now.

Speaker 0: 15:14

Morissette is mostly now a forensic ward. So the people who, as far as I understand, I've never been to the Morissette Psychiatric Hospital I've never been there but from what I understand it's mostly forensic patients so that's people who have a criminal record or a potential threat to themselves or those in the community, and there's often this you know there's been crimes committed or there's the potential for that to happen. So you know we're talking, as far as my understanding goes, a lot of people, for example, that are psychotic or have schizophrenia, seem to end up, from as far as I can understand, to Morissette. It's very hard to find information on the Morissette Hospital, which is fine because you know as much as I love, you know, sort of gawking and having a look at these hospitals and how everything's going. You know, like you know, there's some pretty, pretty tough cases in there.

Speaker 0: 16:10

And yeah, I don't want to. You know I don't want to glamorize or romanticize the Morissette Psychiatric Hospital at all that the reason why I'm talking about it is because I said to him at the martyr, and I've said to him on the phone Ishmu as well, I've said I will literally go to Morissette. If that's what I need to do, I'll go there. If it means being in the wards where you got padded rooms, if it's like that there's rumors that it's like that. I don't know that for sure, but let's say that there is.

Speaker 0: 16:38

Whatever I'll do it, because I want to get off these meds, I want to try and get into a career that is meaningful and gives me purpose, because at the moment life has not much meaning and not much purpose and that's bad news and that's what I've said repeatedly. I'll literally go to somewhere like Morissette. I'll be freaking out the whole time. We're drawing off medications, but I do it. You know. Put me in there for three months, you know, and after the three months I'll be clean Off all these medications and you know my life will continue. But you know, oh, elliot, oh, you know, we don't want to put you at Morissette.

Speaker 0: 17:13

And that's when I say things like Well, you know, maybe I need to force the issue, where you have no choice and you have to send me to Morissette. You know, and that's when you know, those deep, scary conversations happen and anyway, that's um, that's not a path that I plan on going down. Don't worry, I've spoken about that in the last episode. But as well I said in that episode quite clearly, unfortunately that seems to be, you know, the measuring stick, um, if you get help or not in the New South Wales system, at the, or else you're just lost in a sea of referrals, like everyone else. And I know it's not just me that's been affected. I know there's other people as well that were looking for similar sort of avenues to try and turn their lives around, like me. And it's the same sort of things. None of us can get in. We're all willing, very willing patients. We just can't get in.

Speaker 0: 18:00

So unfortunately I don't have much to report on the medication side of things, at least not from the hospital side of things. I have slowly lowered my clomipramine dose a little bit, but it's still now, even though I've lowered it, it's now on the max recommended dose anyway. So there's a bit of room to go, that's for sure. I haven't really noticed any rebound anxiety. I don't think I've been a bit anxious and stuff at work, but it's hard to tell because that's pretty normal for me. So I don't know, I don't think there's been a huge rebound effect, but, as I said, it's still the max dose. So there's a long way to go. And that's the thing too, at work, like I just said then, like I'm still anxious and stuff at work, and that's pretty normal.

Speaker 0: 18:41

And I say that ha ha. It's like a bit of a joke. How funny. You know, that's how I live, but it's not funny. And this is why I need help, I believe, from the hospitals, from these mental health wards, because if I get worse before I get better, which is the story, and I've said this before too and I'm repeating myself there's a lot of pent up energy.

Speaker 0: 19:09

I thought I was getting this retroactive jealousy episode out, but there's a lot of. There's the ADHD. Does this happen every episode where I completely forget about what I was saying. Anyway, the point of the matter is oh yes, I remember now, if it's going to get worse before it gets better, which I'm happy to take on that liability, that potential. The thing is, though, I can't do it and be at my job. I can't do it in the community living where I am here with mom and dad. I just can't do it here in the community. My GP agrees, but I'm trying to lower a little bit of some medications, but it's hard because I'm freaking out and I don't know if that's because of the meds or if that's just some sort of inner critic thing, some schema that's just scared, worried, and he's just putting up the walls. You know what I mean. I don't know. This is why I need, I think, to be assessed. But anyway, I'm repeating things that we already know. I'm sorry that I'm repeating so much. I was so prepared for this retroactivey episode and I just haven't been able to get it out, and I'm so disappointed. But I've been able to push this episode out. At least that's something.

Speaker 0: 20:05

So what else is news? Not much else is going on. Got a Newcastle Knights game on Friday. Um, it's touch and go whether I'll go. I haven't been to the last one because I've got to admit, my social anxiety kicked up a stink and I'm a little bit concerned it might happen again. But I really, really want to go.

Speaker 0: 20:21

That's Friday night, today being what's today, tuesday, so I've got a few days to get my head around it. It'll be a big crowd here in Newcastle. It'll be just about a sellout crowd, which is fine, and if I'm in a good mood that just feeds me and it just drives my yelling and me putting my big banner up in the air and it's great. But 30,000 people can be difficult to sit with when the social anxiety is just pinging off its head. So I'll have to see how I'm traveling a bit closer to the day.

Speaker 0: 20:48

I hope I can go. I really do, because I need to do fun things in life. But I'm being honest about it being serious and realistic. There's a chance. Unfortunately, like last weekend or two weekends ago it was, I won't be able to make it, and if I can't it's because of mental health. Again, this stuff is as real as anything and, trust me, for something to stop me from going to the nights it's got to be significant and unfortunately this mental illness.

Speaker 0: 21:13

Stuff is. Let me think Anything else that's going on Not really. Stuff is, let me think anything else that's going on Not really. I'm half-heartedly throwing my resume in for jobs and then wondering how on earth I'm not getting a new job, even though I'm just throwing it in without cover letters and stuff, just so I know that I'm putting a resume in but not enough that I maybe would actually get the job, because that's way too scary. So that's pretty frustrating because there's some good jobs that I'm applying for but I'm not doing a very good job of it and it's like well, come on. You know this is a bit of a wasted opportunity, but hey, this is where I'm at. Unfortunately, I don't have that confidence.

Speaker 0: 21:47

This week. I wasn't able to go see the psychologist on Monday, which was yesterday, so ordinarily I'd have that some therapy reflections to report back on about that. I don't have any at the moment because I haven't been for a few weeks, but I'm going Friday before the Knights game, so prepare yourself for then. There's going to be some info there about the latest in my therapy world with internal family systems, therapy, all these inner parts of mine and how they're just trying to do their best to protect me. But you know I've got to have a good conversation with a few of them. Say listen, trust the trust, the self, trust Elliot, me, the self. I know the way forward. But that needs to be done in therapy and that is a continuing conversation that I'm having with my inner parts that are just trying to protect me. But I think there's different ways that we can go about things. But we'll talk about that in therapy and then I will talk about that with you.

Speaker 0: 22:37

On the therapy reflection series, the next episode of that, which is exciting, doing EMDR therapy as well Soon I'm going to do an episode on both of those in the retroactive jealousy episode, which hopefully I'll be doing tomorrow. I do mention a little bit about internal family systems therapy, but I am going to do proper episodes on them soon. So you know exactly what it is that I'm going through, how it's going to hopefully help me and maybe how it could help you if you need it too. So it's pretty cool stuff. Let me tell you it's a little bit different than old CBT, that's for sure.

Speaker 0: 23:11

Other news there is actually one piece of good news, but it's actually under embargo so I'm not allowed to talk about it. It comes from the university. Sorry, did I just cough in and say the university? Okay, so something good is coming from the uni, but I'm allowed to talk about it. But it's good and it's given me a real big boost. Let me tell you. So that's all I'm going to say on that. It's under embargo. It's pretty cool. Let me tell you I'm pretty chuffed with it, but that's all I'm going to say on that. It's under embargo. It's pretty, pretty, pretty cool. Let me tell you I'm pretty chuffed with it, but that's all I'm going to say.

Speaker 0: 23:41

But there is some positive there. That has actually been something I've really been able to hold on to. I wish I could tell you, but I'm just not allowed. I will soon enough, don't worry. That has been something I've really held on to. I was at the MARTA. The doctor said you know what, ellie? You need a few wins on the board, don't you? I was like, yes, I do. This I'm happy to report is a win on the board, a big, big win. So there you go, thank goodness. So I can't talk about it, but I will when I can. And it's quite significant and it's nothing but great news and it's really helped me the last week and a bit to sort of push through because it's been hard.

Speaker 0: 24:18

It's hard being in a job that I feel like I'm in because I'm too scared to really go for my dream. It's hard to be in a job like mine with the constant social interactions that just wears you down and down. I'm so appreciative of my work but let's be honest, I'm in one of the worst jobs you could have for someone who's autistic and with all the other disorders that I've got. You know this constant talking to people about building hardware and and all that you know, like tools and and how to, how to build this and build that, when I've got no idea, cause I'm a forklift operator, not a builder. Um, you know, working in a role like that is very, very difficult, and it's very difficult when I know I'm not really pushing to get a job away from that. You know, to improve how I feel I'm going about things. You know it's one thing to be applying for jobs and not getting them, but really giving it your best shot. That's frustrating and that's really. But being too scared to apply for jobs properly, that's pretty frustrating too, just quietly. So I'm pretty angry about that. So there's not much on the jobs front.

Speaker 0: 25:19

The uni has provided something really good and significant, but I'm not going to talk about it. No admission to Ishmael yet no talk of admissions to an extended stay ward like Bloomfield Hospital out at Orange, even though referrals have been sent off. Unfortunately, the expectation obviously is on me to keep making these phone calls and try and chase up these things, even though these referrals literally say that elliot has great difficulty in answering and making phone calls. Hey, how ironic, um. So there you go. So that's the life, and me. The retroactive jealousy episode, hopefully, is coming out next. It's going to be a cracker, um, but you know, if it takes a few episodes to get there, don't be too hard on me, because there, because there's a lot of significance behind it, there's a lot of bad memories too, but it's going to be a big one. All right, that's enough for me. I've been babbling on way too much. Thank you for listening, as always, and I'll see you next time here on the Dysregulated Podcast. Thank you.