Introduction and Mental Health Update

Speaker 1 0:10

G'day everybody . My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulator podcast , as always , thank you for tuning in . If you're enjoying the show , feel free to like , subscribe , give the show a great rating . It's good for the algorithm and you can share it around with your mates . And you can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters , and you can also follow the show now on Facebook . So let's do a little check-in of what's been happening .

Speaker 1 0:36

Now , if you've been keeping up with my episode output , you would know that there's been a bit of a story developing . It's me trying to get off these medications and this story is ever evolving , but at the same time , this hasn't got to the point where anything's actually been done yet . So there was the episode I did , the medication plea episode . That was sort of the one that kicked it off , and that's when I thought to myself right , let's try and do something a bit different with the whole medication thing . That's sort of when it kicked off . There's the episode where I'm at the Mata Hospital , out the front , back to the Mata , and it is me out the front just before I walk in , basically explaining how desperate I'm getting . And then there was the most recent episode the discharge papers from that visit to the hospital . So it's been this evolving story and it's still evolving . Now . There was also I've done episodes , I think , on some of the referrals from my GP that have been sent to places like IJMU and other extended stay wards . We've got more of them here today to read out because , as I said , this situation is evolving but it's not really headed in a direction that has me very confident . I'm getting a bit jacked but I'm getting over it and , as you'll see , or as you'll hear in these letters from my GP , things have gone up a gear big time because I'm not getting the results I'm looking for . In other words , the system is not helping me and the system , I think , needs to help me , because it's the system that put me on all these medications and I want to do a career move back to , potentially , transport and I can't have all these medications floating around because employers will just go nah , too high risk , see you later .

Speaker 1 2:29

And I'm not even sure that these medications are doing that much anyway , because I'm still so anxious , my anxiety is still horrendous and I have these depressive slumps and I'm just oh , it's like if I'm on seven or eight medications , all for psychoactive reasons . I don't expect that I should be feeling that bad . Don't get me wrong . I'm a complex case . I have treatment resistant disorders for sure , refractory anxiety , it's all there . I get that . And I also know that we can't shoot too high , because that's the way things are . But at the same time , for so many medications with so many potential side effects and side effects that I am getting , I would expect better . So that's why I want to do this reset , see what the new baseline is for Elliot as a 34-year-old , and then go from there and it may end up .

Speaker 1 3:26

I'm rehashing a little bit of what I've seen in previous episodes , but I'm sort of doing it for my own benefit here too , because it may happen that I get put back on some of these medications and potentially I hope not , but potentially we might go back to baseline and go holy dooly , I'm screwed . Those medications were actually doing a lot . I didn't realize how bad things really were . I don't know . That's a possibility as well , but the thing is I can't find this out . I can't answer these questions unless the system helps me . And the system is not helping me , and as long as the system is not doing its thing for me , I'm getting more and more agitated and this angry sort of depression it's not like oh you know , it's not melancholic , like I'm not crying , for example , from sadness , that's not the sort of depression I'm feeling . It's this anger and agitation and it's really feeding into my BPD as well .

Speaker 1 4:30

Let me tell you , my BPD demon that's within , and I like saying demon because I don't want to demonize the disorder , but at the same time it's the way I sort of I don't know conceptualize it in my mind , I suppose . But this entity , this BPD entity , lives within and I'm very good , thankfully , at keeping it restrained . But the thing is , the longer that I don't get help , the more I'm thinking maybe it's time to let the BPD demon do its thing , because it is very good at banging on walls , you know , being a squeaky wheel that gets the grease , that sort of stuff , you know . And , to be honest , I've been told by friends and friends that work in the mental health space that you know , if you want things to happen , elliot , you've got to really up the ante , because there's just so much mental despair out there at the moment and the New South Wales public health system is crippled . Especially the mental health system is crippled . I've got an episode on that , if you want to go back and have a look .

Speaker 1 5:33

So it's really hard jockeying for positions here , and it's hard because I don't advocate very well for myself so I like to downplay things . But it's at the point now where I've got friends saying , mate , you need to do something drastic , or you know cause . They're not listening . And even my GP is sort of well , no , he certainly does not agree with the potential for I don't know , some sort of angry outburst , I guess . Um , but at the same time he gets it . He's like , yeah , I get it , and it's going to get to the point where this isn't me in control , in the sense that , oh well , it is me in control , but it's me in control from a position of not getting the help , and then my mental illnesses may take over and do their thing and organically you could say this could escalate , and I think it will . It already sort of has it already has , because I'm very angry and I'm very frustrated , because I just want help . I just want some help because I also feel that I can do more in the community and more for others if I'm coming from a healthy headspace . That's the key .

Speaker 1 6:49

So I feel like there's a lot riding on this and I don't know . I feel like I've been on this merry-go-round since , who knows , for years , decades , this mental health thing . Every day is a battle . Every day is a battle , make no mistake , and I feel at this point , with all the different admissions , all the medications we've trialed and therapies and all this sort of stuff , all the money that I've spent , that I don't know .

Speaker 1 7:15

I don't know if deserving is the word , if I deserve the help , but I feel like I've done enough , that I should be getting the help that I need . You know what I mean , especially in a great . You know . Australia , thank God , is where a wealthy country and these services are available , and although the New South Wales mental health system is crippled at the moment because of the state government but you know I'm not going into that , I'll just get too angry but you know , like the expectation I thought in this country was that if you needed this sort of help that posed potential danger to oneself or the community , well then you know that's what the public system will do , but they haven't been doing it . So , yeah , I don't know it's getting difficult .

Speaker 1 8:01

It's getting difficult because , like I said , I'm not very good at advocating and often , when it comes to well not this sort of stuff , I guess , but other things , you know I'll be too anxious to engage with something say , and then the pressure will build and build and build and eventually this was my whole degree in psychology . This is how I did my degree . I would just put everything off , downplay everything , and then all of a sudden , the stress and the anxiety would be so great that it went from making me in freeze mode , turning me into fight mode and then getting stuff done . I don't want to go into fight mode to advocate for myself , for this , because I don't know if that's going to end well . And when I say end well , I mean like I'll do something , not anything drastic , don't worry . Like I'm not alluding to . You know , I did say harm to the community there , but that's the criteria that they work on .

Speaker 1 8:58

I'm not saying that , I'm doing that , but uh , yeah , I forget what I was saying . Geez , that adhd , don't you love it . This happens every episode . This happened every episode where I get like halfway through and I forget what the hell I'm talking about . I don't know anyway , the let me sum up that point , which is probably what I was trying to do anyway .

Speaker 1 9:17

Um , I don't know really what to do . Like , how many referrals do I need to send off ? Like I'm a willing patient ? I'll do anything . I've said this , I'll go to Morissette the forensic ward with the criminally insane . I'll go there to get off these medications . I'll do it because I think it's worth it , but I need someone to get in my corner from the system to really help me be able to do this .

Speaker 1 9:45

I don't know why it's so hard . They're the ones that put me on all these medications , like come on , don't you have some sort of duty of care ? It's hard , though , because then , straight away , I say that and I think my inner critic says , yeah , well , yeah , there's a lot of other people that need help too . Stop being greedy , I suppose , but I don't know . Look , I need help too , and surely it's about time that that help comes .

Speaker 1 10:11

This has been going on for so long . It should have been sorted 15 years ago , and it wasn't , and now it's just grown Again , not looking at things properly , pushing it aside , and the problem just gets bigger and bigger and bigger while I'm not looking at it , and then it blows and my mental health and looking after my mental health has been very much like that . But I'm at the point now where I'm not putting it off , I'm looking at it directly . Let's go , I'm willing to do whatever . I just need someone to come along on the ride with me from the mental health system and help me get off these medications . Anyway , I'm rambling so much . I'm so sorry . That intro is meant to take two minutes and we're up to 10 minutes , so if you're still sticking with me , thank you ,

The Struggle for Medication Reset

Speaker 1 10:55

I appreciate it .

Speaker 1 10:56

Let's now get into what I really wanted to talk about on this episode , which is two letters from my GP , both addressed to Bloomfield Hospital in Orange in Central New South Wales Mental Health , drug and Alcohol Hospital . This is the extended stay , so remember IJMU I talk about . These letters went to IJMU as well , but they are addressed to Bloomfield , primarily Ijmu . Remember intermediate stay . You do six weeks , but I'm thinking with the complexities of my mental health presentation , with all the disorders that I've been given or not been given but have been labelled with and have to live with , and all the medications , and this whole story's massive . It's bigger than Ben Hur . My doctor and I are not convinced that six weeks would be enough to achieve what I'm wanting to achieve , which is why we've been looking at Bloomfield In New South Wales .

Speaker 1 12:01

Bloomfield , as far as I can tell , is the only real sort of extended stay ward that's not forensic or for schizophrenia and psychosis I think there are people there that suffer from that as well but it's not a ward , like Morris said specifically for those other points . So Bloomfield's sort of the go Orange in winter . It's winter right now , of course , in Australia . Orange , the city of Orange , in winter in the central west of New South Wales , is very , very cold . I'm talking snowing and stuff and I'm willing to go there barefoot . I'll walk there if I have to . I just need them to give me a bed , anyway .

Speaker 1 12:44

So let's have a look at the letters from my GP . I have changed some of the words around a little bit because I don't want it to be . You know , I don't know . I read out all these letters and stuff and I don't really ask for permission and I probably should , even though they're my letters on there about me . Anyway , who cares ? Whatever ? This is the first one . This is how it goes .

Speaker 1 13:08

Dear psychiatrist , I'm writing again . Yes , you are again as GP for Elliot Waters , aged 34 years , for consideration of admission to your service , that's Bloomfield , to help manage his quite severe anxiety that has been longstanding and chronic . I referred Elliot to your service in April this year but he was told that because he lived out of the area for Bloomfield Newcastle's , a couple of hours drive from Bloomfield , orange there were funding issues that meant he couldn't be accepted . You might remember Hunter New England Health , where I am situated , didn't really want to try and pursue me going to Bloomfield because they would have to pay for it , which I can't believe . That that's a reason you wouldn't do it . I pay taxes . Where are you spending the money if it's not going to people like me , Anyway ? So refer to Elliot . There were funding issues that many couldn't accept . This has fed Elliot's inner critic , reinforcing the idea that he is not worth it . I include a copy of the original referral to your service .

Speaker 1 14:12

I'm writing again in the hope that you might be able to reconsider the possibility of admission , as I feel his situation of mental health is becoming quite desperate . He reported to me today that increasingly he's beginning to feel that the only way he will be heard and listened to is if he threatens himself or others . In his words , the noisy wheel gets the grease . I've known Elliot for several years now . He has a great doctor , thank goodness he's in my corner For several years now , and I honestly don't believe he's been manipulative definitely not . He's just at the end of his tether and he's quite desperate to get help . Unfortunately , his financial situation means that he can't afford care in the private system currently . Anyone out there who's listening who might have a spare couple of thousand dollars . If you want to send it my way , talk to me on Instagram , we'll get that sorted . If you want to sponsor the show , though , talk to me on Instagram , we'll get that sorted . If you want to sponsor the show , though , please somebody , that'd be great .

Speaker 1 15:11

Anyway , elliot would like an admission to facilitate coming off caffeine , which he uses to improve energy in order to get things done and to achieve . He is aware that it may be contributing to his racing thoughts and anxiety , but can't stop the drive that he has to achieve and do more . Again , he's in a critic voice . He would like to find the right medications for him , and he's aware that maybe no medications would be better . However , he doesn't feel that he would be able to achieve this , that he's taping off the medications in the community . No way , I tend to agree with him . Thank you , doc . Firstly , his inner critic voice is very , very strong and hypercritical . Secondly , he lives with his parents and he has issues with this , as he believes he is not achieving enough and should be living enough and should be living away from his parents' home . That's true , as mentioned , I hope you're able to review this referral and reconsider whether you might be able to accept him into your service . I really hope you're able to help him . And then the current medications are listed .

Speaker 1 16:23

Next is another referral letter . This one's got quite a bit of detail to it as well . I've got to thank my GP . He actually wrote these letters on Friday night while everyone's out partying . He was writing these letters to these psychiatric wards for me and I really , really appreciate it . And here's the second one . Dear psychiatrist , thank you for seeing Elliot Waters , age 34

Frustration with the Mental Health System

Speaker 1 16:49

years of age , for consideration of earlier admission to IJMU slash Bloomfield . I referred Elliot in April this year and he's still waiting for a place to become available . I include a copy of the previous email .

Speaker 1 17:02

I would like to highlight the escalating issues that Elliot is experiencing . He continues to have significant anxiety and a lot of negative self-talk from his inner critic that keeps telling him he needs to keep achieving more and that he's just not worth it . Elliot cannot shut this voice up , nor ignore it , and it is proving very challenging for him . Elliot is extremely help-seeking but can't afford the fun care in the private system . He has had various diagnoses in the past . He's had various antidepressants and other medications in the past also . None have seemed to help too much .

Speaker 1 17:39

During his last admission he was put on chlamypramine , but he has to take 10 daily yes , 10 daily of chlamypramine , which is actually over the max dose . But yeah , I'm special , I can handle it . Feeding him , I don't know . Anyway , it's not doing enough . Okay , he consumes too much caffeine but doesn't feel able to stop consuming this . He has caffeine to help keep himself awake and alert enough to do all the things that he needs to do in brackets , such as go to work , but also to appeal to the inner critic that things that he needs to do in brackets , such as go to work , but also to appeal to the inner critic that tells him he needs to be doing more .

Speaker 1 18:12

Elliot has self-presented several times to the emergency department requesting an inpatient admission , but keeps being told it's not the right place for him . He inquired about a longer term admission to Bloomfield in Orange but was told that he was out of the area and the Hunter service would have to pay for him . Big deal , pay for me . The implication was that they didn't want to pay for this and therefore this fed his inner critic's opinion that he wasn't worth it . Yeah , thanks , guys . Thanks a lot . He would really like an admission to IJMU slash Bloomfield . He would like to stop using caffeine and to come off his medications if possible , but doesn't feel he would be able to do this in the community .

Speaker 1 18:52

He currently lives with his parents due to financial concerns , and this is not an environment that is positive for him because his inner critic keeps telling him he should be living on his own . He has many other social supports but struggles to connect with them because of his anxiety and other concerns . Of concern to myself is that I feel he's reaching the end of his tether and considering resorting to desperate measures to get himself heard , seen and helped . He's increasingly of the belief that the only way he will get help is if he starts to threaten others . He doesn't want to do this , but he's so desperate for help he is beginning to think that this is the only way he'll achieve it .

Speaker 1 19:36

I'll just interject quickly there . I have no plans on hurting anybody . I just want to make that very , very , very clear . I don't have plans to hurt myself either . What we're saying here is that it appears to work the system to get some actual help . These are the things you got to do , or at least these are the things you got to threaten to do . So don't worry , there is no concern that I can tell at all , whatsoever , even in my most agitated states .

Speaker 1 20:06

This isn't about other people . I'm not , I don't want to hurt other people . This isn't you know . Oh , the world's done me wrong and I hate everybody , and he's all you know . It's not that it's just the world's done me wrong , no , individuals itself . It's just , you know , I sort of feel it's almost up to luck . I don't know Like I don't feel any anger towards anybody else . I don't know like I don't feel any anger towards anybody else . I don't feel any anger towards myself either . I used to when I was younger , but I certainly don't now , and that is because I actually quite like the person who I am and I'm starting to believe that I am a good person and I should be , you know , I should be a functioning part of the community , because I've got a lot to add .

Speaker 1 20:43

And that's been that way of thinking . That positive way of thinking , has come through therapy , which is great , which is really good . Because this would be so much harder if I was still against the self , saying I'm the loser , I do things wrong . I still think that don't get me wrong , but I push back against it . A lot better now .

Speaker 1 21:02

But if I didn't have that pushback and this was going on , I'd say these letters wouldn't be written , because I wouldn't have bothered going to the doctors to try and get help and really push this topic , this sort of subject area , because I wouldn't have thought it was worth it . Because what's the point ? Nothing works anyway and I don't deserve it anyway . So that's my view on that . So the fact that I'm more

First GP Letter to Bloomfield Hospital

Speaker 1 21:25

not comfortable but well , yeah , you know comfortable with who I am and believe that I'm a good person that deserves good things , um , I'm not . I'm and this is why these letters have been written because I am pushing a lot harder than I ever have before for this help . It's just so frustrating that I'm pushing harder than ever and it is harder than ever to get the help . I don't know what's going on . All right , let me finish this letter because I'm babbling on .

Speaker 1 21:50

He doesn't have any current plan or intent to act , but as a young male with chronic suicidal thoughts and the constant thoughts that things are hopeless , I'm sure you'll agree . This is the classic high-risk scenario . I have known Elliot for many years and I honestly don't believe he's stating this to be manipulative . He is just really at the end of his tether and desperate for some help . I agree that managing this in the community would be very challenging and difficult for him and absolutely support and sorry , I absolutely support an admission to help . I hope you might be able to fit him in soon . Thank you , doctor .

Speaker 1 22:31

So those letters are pretty heavy . They're pretty heavy and some of it you read between the lines and it's like , oh , there's some heavy stuff there , and then there's other bits that are just that's just stated and it's like , man , this is getting serious and it is getting serious . It is getting serious , you know , and I'm taking this very seriously and I just want someone else to take it seriously . That's got some , you know , some credentials , like being a doctor , and then we can take it seriously together and get this seriously finished , you know , fix everything , and then I can proceed

Second Referral and Escalating Concerns

Speaker 1 23:05

in life . That's all I want . That's all I want . Why is this so difficult ? It's really , really annoying me . So , anyway , so there's the two letters from my GP that were written well today's , what ? That were written well today's , what , wednesday , thursday , so a week ago and as of yet , I've heard nothing from either IJMU or Bloomfield .

Speaker 1 23:25

This is what's also hard , though , because there's this expectation that you , as the patient , will ring these facilities and check up about the referral and say , yep , I'm keen to come in , and then you know they grab your referral whatever . Like you , guys who have been listening to this show for a while would know phone calls and Elliot do not agree . I have this phobia of phone calls . I hate it . I absolutely hate it . He's so anxiety provoking . No idea why . I don't know why . I'm always constantly scared that there's going to be some really bad negative result on the other end of the line . It doesn't make sense . I don't know where this has come from , but it's been like this probably forever , probably since I got a mobile phone . I don't know , but phone calls are really , really difficult . But the expectation is that I will make these phone calls and that's becoming a real sticking point because I still haven't made those phone calls .

Speaker 1 24:19

I've called Ijmu already . You may remember earlier episodes I've spoken about calling Ijmu . I've had a chat with the nurse unit manager there that I remember from my time there . You know I did that , but that took so much energy and so much mental fortitude to do . Like you know , it's a big ask for me to do this again . So I'm trying to get into the headspace where I'm confident enough that I can make these phone calls . But I just haven't been able to lock in yet and I think that is also putting the brakes on any sort of admission here for me . But it's hard because part of the reason I want an admission is because I can't make phone calls and I'm scared of doing other basic things in life . But it's hard when you've got to do those things that you're scared of just to get the admission Like it . Just it doesn't . Oh , I don't know . It's hard , it's hard .

Speaker 1 25:10

This whole , this whole thing , is this mental health game . I'm telling you I'm sick of it , I'm over it . I just want to get back into some sort of positive headspace and just move on . I don't know , it's not move on from mental health completely . Don't get me wrong . I'm staying in mental health for the long haul , in the sense that you know the advocacy , the research , the speaking , the podcasting , everything I'm doing . But as a consumer of mental health services , I really want to get to a position where that does not have to happen anymore . All right , thank you everybody for listening .

Speaker 1 25:45

I will say again , those letters are quite confronting at times and there's good reason for that . We're not mincing words here and there's no making things up . This is all legit . But trust me , I have no thoughts of doing any harm to myself or other people . I don't . I'm just flabbergasted that that's what seems to be what you have to do to get your leg in the door nowadays . That's the point that I'm making . I'm not going to be doing that sort of stuff .

Speaker 1 26:18

And if I was

Phone Call Anxiety and Final Thoughts

Speaker 1 26:19

to completely blow up and let the BPD demon run wild , that would be it's happened before . It's all all the efforts put towards myself . It's not other people With my BPD . Bpd is very classic . I've got to finish this episode . Bpd is classic , or is known as a disorder that not only affects the individual who's got it but also the people around them .

Speaker 1 26:44

Now , with me , mostly that has concentrated on girlfriends when the blowups have happened , girlfriends and family members . But the blowups weren't at the girlfriends per se or the family members , it was at life and myself and how hard it is and I'm over it and I just can't stand this anymore . The pressure builds but it's all like me , me , me , me , stuff . I don't externalize any sorts of behaviors like that and I never have have and I just it's just not part of my makeup , it's not going to happen . If it was going to happen , it would have happened already . I've been pushed to the brink before . This isn't the first time , but yeah , so I hope me repeating this again doesn't sound like I'm I'm trying to cover myself , but you know , again it's confronting . But yeah , there is no way . I deserve help and I want to show the people around me how good we can be if things are going great .

Speaker 1 27:45

There's no anger externally . There's no , even anger to the system , for sure . Definitely anger towards the system , 100% . If the system was a person , watch out . But it's not , it's not , it's not . So , yeah , anger towards the system was a person . Watch out , but it's not . You know it's not , it's not . So , yeah , anger towards the system , not towards the self or others , and not towards the self because of the work that I've done in therapy , which is pretty cool , like that is . One good thing that I've taken away from this whole process that is still ongoing is the fact that I have advocated pretty well for the self , and that's pretty cool because that means , you know , I'm buddies with myself again and that's great . You know that is great . All right , Thank you everybody for listening . I hope you're enjoying the show .

Speaker 1 28:29

The last couple of episodes have been very focused on this need and this effort to get back in a hospital to get off the medications . The next episode that I'm going to do will be of a different topic . I promise I'm thinking maybe another DBT skill or I'm thinking maybe doing an episode on one of these disorders , but we'll see . I'm going to keep that a little secret for now and I haven't figured it out . But yeah , I'll let you know because there'll be a new episode coming soon . But yes , it won't be about this topic . I'll give it a rest for a little bit . Unless something happens . Hopefully the next lesson is lesson .

Speaker 1 29:08

The next episode is me from Bloomfield saying guess what , guys , I'm in . I smuggled in a microphone and a recorder and I'm in . How good is this ? All right , thanks for listening . Appreciate it , I really do . I'll see you here next time on the show . And just a reminder you can now follow the show on Facebook . There's not much content on there yet , but there's going to be . So , yes , the Dysregulated Podcast on Facebook . Check it out , it's going to be great . All right , thanks , guys . See you later . Have a good one .