Speaker 1: 0:10

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulator podcast, as always, thank you for tuning in. If you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating. It's good for the algorithm and you can share it around with your mates. And you can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters, and you can also follow the show now on Facebook. So let's do a little check-in of what's been happening.

Speaker 1: 0:36

Now, if you've been keeping up with my episode output, you would know that there's been a bit of a story developing. It's me trying to get off these medications and this story is ever evolving, but at the same time, this hasn't got to the point where anything's actually been done yet. So there was the episode I did, the medication plea episode. That was sort of the one that kicked it off, and that's when I thought to myself right, let's try and do something a bit different with the whole medication thing. That's sort of when it kicked off. There's the episode where I'm at the Mata Hospital, out the front, back to the Mata, and it is me out the front just before I walk in, basically explaining how desperate I'm getting. And then there was the most recent episode the discharge papers from that visit to the hospital. So it's been this evolving story and it's still evolving. Now. There was also I've done episodes, I think, on some of the referrals from my GP that have been sent to places like IJMU and other extended stay wards. We've got more of them here today to read out because, as I said, this situation is evolving but it's not really headed in a direction that has me very confident. I'm getting a bit jacked but I'm getting over it and, as you'll see, or as you'll hear in these letters from my GP, things have gone up a gear big time because I'm not getting the results I'm looking for. In other words, the system is not helping me and the system, I think, needs to help me, because it's the system that put me on all these medications and I want to do a career move back to, potentially, transport and I can't have all these medications floating around because employers will just go nah, too high risk, see you later.

Speaker 1: 2:29

And I'm not even sure that these medications are doing that much anyway, because I'm still so anxious, my anxiety is still horrendous and I have these depressive slumps and I'm just oh, it's like if I'm on seven or eight medications, all for psychoactive reasons. I don't expect that I should be feeling that bad. Don't get me wrong. I'm a complex case. I have treatment resistant disorders for sure, refractory anxiety, it's all there. I get that. And I also know that we can't shoot too high, because that's the way things are. But at the same time, for so many medications with so many potential side effects and side effects that I am getting, I would expect better. So that's why I want to do this reset, see what the new baseline is for Elliot as a 34-year-old, and then go from there and it may end up.

Speaker 1: 3:26

I'm rehashing a little bit of what I've seen in previous episodes, but I'm sort of doing it for my own benefit here too, because it may happen that I get put back on some of these medications and potentially I hope not, but potentially we might go back to baseline and go holy dooly, I'm screwed. Those medications were actually doing a lot. I didn't realize how bad things really were. I don't know. That's a possibility as well, but the thing is I can't find this out. I can't answer these questions unless the system helps me. And the system is not helping me, and as long as the system is not doing its thing for me, I'm getting more and more agitated and this angry sort of depression it's not like oh you know, it's not melancholic, like I'm not crying, for example, from sadness, that's not the sort of depression I'm feeling. It's this anger and agitation and it's really feeding into my BPD as well.

Speaker 1: 4:30

Let me tell you, my BPD demon that's within, and I like saying demon because I don't want to demonize the disorder, but at the same time it's the way I sort of I don't know conceptualize it in my mind, I suppose. But this entity, this BPD entity, lives within and I'm very good, thankfully, at keeping it restrained. But the thing is, the longer that I don't get help, the more I'm thinking maybe it's time to let the BPD demon do its thing, because it is very good at banging on walls, you know, being a squeaky wheel that gets the grease, that sort of stuff, you know. And, to be honest, I've been told by friends and friends that work in the mental health space that you know, if you want things to happen, elliot, you've got to really up the ante, because there's just so much mental despair out there at the moment and the New South Wales public health system is crippled. Especially the mental health system is crippled. I've got an episode on that, if you want to go back and have a look.

Speaker 1: 5:33

So it's really hard jockeying for positions here, and it's hard because I don't advocate very well for myself so I like to downplay things. But it's at the point now where I've got friends saying, mate, you need to do something drastic, or you know cause. They're not listening. And even my GP is sort of well, no, he certainly does not agree with the potential for I don't know, some sort of angry outburst, I guess. Um, but at the same time he gets it. He's like, yeah, I get it, and it's going to get to the point where this isn't me in control, in the sense that, oh well, it is me in control, but it's me in control from a position of not getting the help, and then my mental illnesses may take over and do their thing and organically you could say this could escalate, and I think it will. It already sort of has it already has, because I'm very angry and I'm very frustrated, because I just want help. I just want some help because I also feel that I can do more in the community and more for others if I'm coming from a healthy headspace. That's the key.

Speaker 1: 6:49

So I feel like there's a lot riding on this and I don't know. I feel like I've been on this merry-go-round since, who knows, for years, decades, this mental health thing. Every day is a battle. Every day is a battle, make no mistake, and I feel at this point, with all the different admissions, all the medications we've trialed and therapies and all this sort of stuff, all the money that I've spent, that I don't know.

Speaker 1: 7:15

I don't know if deserving is the word, if I deserve the help, but I feel like I've done enough, that I should be getting the help that I need. You know what I mean, especially in a great. You know. Australia, thank God, is where a wealthy country and these services are available, and although the New South Wales mental health system is crippled at the moment because of the state government but you know I'm not going into that, I'll just get too angry but you know, like the expectation I thought in this country was that if you needed this sort of help that posed potential danger to oneself or the community, well then you know that's what the public system will do, but they haven't been doing it. So, yeah, I don't know it's getting difficult.

Speaker 1: 8:01

It's getting difficult because, like I said, I'm not very good at advocating and often, when it comes to well not this sort of stuff, I guess, but other things, you know I'll be too anxious to engage with something say, and then the pressure will build and build and build and eventually this was my whole degree in psychology. This is how I did my degree. I would just put everything off, downplay everything, and then all of a sudden, the stress and the anxiety would be so great that it went from making me in freeze mode, turning me into fight mode and then getting stuff done. I don't want to go into fight mode to advocate for myself, for this, because I don't know if that's going to end well. And when I say end well, I mean like I'll do something, not anything drastic, don't worry. Like I'm not alluding to. You know, I did say harm to the community there, but that's the criteria that they work on.

Speaker 1: 8:58

I'm not saying that, I'm doing that, but uh, yeah, I forget what I was saying. Geez, that adhd, don't you love it. This happens every episode. This happened every episode where I get like halfway through and I forget what the hell I'm talking about. I don't know anyway, the let me sum up that point, which is probably what I was trying to do anyway.

Speaker 1: 9:17

Um, I don't know really what to do. Like, how many referrals do I need to send off? Like I'm a willing patient? I'll do anything. I've said this, I'll go to Morissette the forensic ward with the criminally insane. I'll go there to get off these medications. I'll do it because I think it's worth it, but I need someone to get in my corner from the system to really help me be able to do this.

Speaker 1: 9:45

I don't know why it's so hard. They're the ones that put me on all these medications, like come on, don't you have some sort of duty of care? It's hard, though, because then, straight away, I say that and I think my inner critic says, yeah, well, yeah, there's a lot of other people that need help too. Stop being greedy, I suppose, but I don't know. Look, I need help too, and surely it's about time that that help comes.

Speaker 1: 10:11

This has been going on for so long. It should have been sorted 15 years ago, and it wasn't, and now it's just grown Again, not looking at things properly, pushing it aside, and the problem just gets bigger and bigger and bigger while I'm not looking at it, and then it blows and my mental health and looking after my mental health has been very much like that. But I'm at the point now where I'm not putting it off, I'm looking at it directly. Let's go, I'm willing to do whatever. I just need someone to come along on the ride with me from the mental health system and help me get off these medications. Anyway, I'm rambling so much. I'm so sorry. That intro is meant to take two minutes and we're up to 10 minutes, so if you're still sticking with me, thank you, I appreciate it.

Speaker 1: 10:56

Let's now get into what I really wanted to talk about on this episode, which is two letters from my GP, both addressed to Bloomfield Hospital in Orange in Central New South Wales Mental Health, drug and Alcohol Hospital. This is the extended stay, so remember IJMU I talk about. These letters went to IJMU as well, but they are addressed to Bloomfield, primarily Ijmu. Remember intermediate stay. You do six weeks, but I'm thinking with the complexities of my mental health presentation, with all the disorders that I've been given or not been given but have been labelled with and have to live with, and all the medications, and this whole story's massive. It's bigger than Ben Hur. My doctor and I are not convinced that six weeks would be enough to achieve what I'm wanting to achieve, which is why we've been looking at Bloomfield In New South Wales.

Speaker 1: 12:01

Bloomfield, as far as I can tell, is the only real sort of extended stay ward that's not forensic or for schizophrenia and psychosis I think there are people there that suffer from that as well but it's not a ward, like Morris said specifically for those other points. So Bloomfield's sort of the go Orange in winter. It's winter right now, of course, in Australia. Orange, the city of Orange, in winter in the central west of New South Wales, is very, very cold. I'm talking snowing and stuff and I'm willing to go there barefoot. I'll walk there if I have to. I just need them to give me a bed, anyway.

Speaker 1: 12:44

So let's have a look at the letters from my GP. I have changed some of the words around a little bit because I don't want it to be. You know, I don't know. I read out all these letters and stuff and I don't really ask for permission and I probably should, even though they're my letters on there about me. Anyway, who cares? Whatever? This is the first one. This is how it goes.

Speaker 1: 13:08

Dear psychiatrist, I'm writing again. Yes, you are again as GP for Elliot Waters, aged 34 years, for consideration of admission to your service, that's Bloomfield, to help manage his quite severe anxiety that has been longstanding and chronic. I referred Elliot to your service in April this year but he was told that because he lived out of the area for Bloomfield Newcastle's, a couple of hours drive from Bloomfield, orange there were funding issues that meant he couldn't be accepted. You might remember Hunter New England Health, where I am situated, didn't really want to try and pursue me going to Bloomfield because they would have to pay for it, which I can't believe. That that's a reason you wouldn't do it. I pay taxes. Where are you spending the money if it's not going to people like me, Anyway? So refer to Elliot. There were funding issues that many couldn't accept. This has fed Elliot's inner critic, reinforcing the idea that he is not worth it. I include a copy of the original referral to your service.

Speaker 1: 14:12

I'm writing again in the hope that you might be able to reconsider the possibility of admission, as I feel his situation of mental health is becoming quite desperate. He reported to me today that increasingly he's beginning to feel that the only way he will be heard and listened to is if he threatens himself or others. In his words, the noisy wheel gets the grease. I've known Elliot for several years now. He has a great doctor, thank goodness he's in my corner For several years now, and I honestly don't believe he's been manipulative definitely not. He's just at the end of his tether and he's quite desperate to get help. Unfortunately, his financial situation means that he can't afford care in the private system currently. Anyone out there who's listening who might have a spare couple of thousand dollars. If you want to send it my way, talk to me on Instagram, we'll get that sorted. If you want to sponsor the show, though, talk to me on Instagram, we'll get that sorted. If you want to sponsor the show, though, please somebody, that'd be great.

Speaker 1: 15:11

Anyway, elliot would like an admission to facilitate coming off caffeine, which he uses to improve energy in order to get things done and to achieve. He is aware that it may be contributing to his racing thoughts and anxiety, but can't stop the drive that he has to achieve and do more. Again, he's in a critic voice. He would like to find the right medications for him, and he's aware that maybe no medications would be better. However, he doesn't feel that he would be able to achieve this, that he's taping off the medications in the community. No way, I tend to agree with him. Thank you, doc. Firstly, his inner critic voice is very, very strong and hypercritical. Secondly, he lives with his parents and he has issues with this, as he believes he is not achieving enough and should be living enough and should be living away from his parents' home. That's true, as mentioned, I hope you're able to review this referral and reconsider whether you might be able to accept him into your service. I really hope you're able to help him. And then the current medications are listed.

Speaker 1: 16:23

Next is another referral letter. This one's got quite a bit of detail to it as well. I've got to thank my GP. He actually wrote these letters on Friday night while everyone's out partying. He was writing these letters to these psychiatric wards for me and I really, really appreciate it. And here's the second one. Dear psychiatrist, thank you for seeing Elliot Waters, age 34 years of age, for consideration of earlier admission to IJMU slash Bloomfield. I referred Elliot in April this year and he's still waiting for a place to become available. I include a copy of the previous email.

Speaker 1: 17:02

I would like to highlight the escalating issues that Elliot is experiencing. He continues to have significant anxiety and a lot of negative self-talk from his inner critic that keeps telling him he needs to keep achieving more and that he's just not worth it. Elliot cannot shut this voice up, nor ignore it, and it is proving very challenging for him. Elliot is extremely help-seeking but can't afford the fun care in the private system. He has had various diagnoses in the past. He's had various antidepressants and other medications in the past also. None have seemed to help too much.

Speaker 1: 17:39

During his last admission he was put on chlamypramine, but he has to take 10 daily yes, 10 daily of chlamypramine, which is actually over the max dose. But yeah, I'm special, I can handle it. Feeding him, I don't know. Anyway, it's not doing enough. Okay, he consumes too much caffeine but doesn't feel able to stop consuming this. He has caffeine to help keep himself awake and alert enough to do all the things that he needs to do in brackets, such as go to work, but also to appeal to the inner critic that things that he needs to do in brackets, such as go to work, but also to appeal to the inner critic that tells him he needs to be doing more.

Speaker 1: 18:12

Elliot has self-presented several times to the emergency department requesting an inpatient admission, but keeps being told it's not the right place for him. He inquired about a longer term admission to Bloomfield in Orange but was told that he was out of the area and the Hunter service would have to pay for him. Big deal, pay for me. The implication was that they didn't want to pay for this and therefore this fed his inner critic's opinion that he wasn't worth it. Yeah, thanks, guys. Thanks a lot. He would really like an admission to IJMU slash Bloomfield. He would like to stop using caffeine and to come off his medications if possible, but doesn't feel he would be able to do this in the community.

Speaker 1: 18:52

He currently lives with his parents due to financial concerns, and this is not an environment that is positive for him because his inner critic keeps telling him he should be living on his own. He has many other social supports but struggles to connect with them because of his anxiety and other concerns. Of concern to myself is that I feel he's reaching the end of his tether and considering resorting to desperate measures to get himself heard, seen and helped. He's increasingly of the belief that the only way he will get help is if he starts to threaten others. He doesn't want to do this, but he's so desperate for help he is beginning to think that this is the only way he'll achieve it.

Speaker 1: 19:36

I'll just interject quickly there. I have no plans on hurting anybody. I just want to make that very, very, very clear. I don't have plans to hurt myself either. What we're saying here is that it appears to work the system to get some actual help. These are the things you got to do, or at least these are the things you got to threaten to do. So don't worry, there is no concern that I can tell at all, whatsoever, even in my most agitated states.

Speaker 1: 20:06

This isn't about other people. I'm not, I don't want to hurt other people. This isn't you know. Oh, the world's done me wrong and I hate everybody, and he's all you know. It's not that it's just the world's done me wrong, no, individuals itself. It's just, you know, I sort of feel it's almost up to luck. I don't know Like I don't feel any anger towards anybody else. I don't know like I don't feel any anger towards anybody else. I don't feel any anger towards myself either. I used to when I was younger, but I certainly don't now, and that is because I actually quite like the person who I am and I'm starting to believe that I am a good person and I should be, you know, I should be a functioning part of the community, because I've got a lot to add.

Speaker 1: 20:43

And that's been that way of thinking. That positive way of thinking, has come through therapy, which is great, which is really good. Because this would be so much harder if I was still against the self, saying I'm the loser, I do things wrong. I still think that don't get me wrong, but I push back against it. A lot better now.

Speaker 1: 21:02

But if I didn't have that pushback and this was going on, I'd say these letters wouldn't be written, because I wouldn't have bothered going to the doctors to try and get help and really push this topic, this sort of subject area, because I wouldn't have thought it was worth it. Because what's the point? Nothing works anyway and I don't deserve it anyway. So that's my view on that. So the fact that I'm more not comfortable but well, yeah, you know comfortable with who I am and believe that I'm a good person that deserves good things, um, I'm not. I'm and this is why these letters have been written because I am pushing a lot harder than I ever have before for this help. It's just so frustrating that I'm pushing harder than ever and it is harder than ever to get the help. I don't know what's going on. All right, let me finish this letter because I'm babbling on.

Speaker 1: 21:50

He doesn't have any current plan or intent to act, but as a young male with chronic suicidal thoughts and the constant thoughts that things are hopeless, I'm sure you'll agree. This is the classic high-risk scenario. I have known Elliot for many years and I honestly don't believe he's stating this to be manipulative. He is just really at the end of his tether and desperate for some help. I agree that managing this in the community would be very challenging and difficult for him and absolutely support and sorry, I absolutely support an admission to help. I hope you might be able to fit him in soon. Thank you, doctor.

Speaker 1: 22:31

So those letters are pretty heavy. They're pretty heavy and some of it you read between the lines and it's like, oh, there's some heavy stuff there, and then there's other bits that are just that's just stated and it's like, man, this is getting serious and it is getting serious. It is getting serious, you know, and I'm taking this very seriously and I just want someone else to take it seriously. That's got some, you know, some credentials, like being a doctor, and then we can take it seriously together and get this seriously finished, you know, fix everything, and then I can proceed in life. That's all I want. That's all I want. Why is this so difficult? It's really, really annoying me. So, anyway, so there's the two letters from my GP that were written well today's, what? That were written well today's, what, wednesday, thursday, so a week ago and as of yet, I've heard nothing from either IJMU or Bloomfield.

Speaker 1: 23:25

This is what's also hard, though, because there's this expectation that you, as the patient, will ring these facilities and check up about the referral and say, yep, I'm keen to come in, and then you know they grab your referral whatever. Like you, guys who have been listening to this show for a while would know phone calls and Elliot do not agree. I have this phobia of phone calls. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. He's so anxiety provoking. No idea why. I don't know why. I'm always constantly scared that there's going to be some really bad negative result on the other end of the line. It doesn't make sense. I don't know where this has come from, but it's been like this probably forever, probably since I got a mobile phone. I don't know, but phone calls are really, really difficult. But the expectation is that I will make these phone calls and that's becoming a real sticking point because I still haven't made those phone calls.

Speaker 1: 24:19

I've called Ijmu already. You may remember earlier episodes I've spoken about calling Ijmu. I've had a chat with the nurse unit manager there that I remember from my time there. You know I did that, but that took so much energy and so much mental fortitude to do. Like you know, it's a big ask for me to do this again. So I'm trying to get into the headspace where I'm confident enough that I can make these phone calls. But I just haven't been able to lock in yet and I think that is also putting the brakes on any sort of admission here for me. But it's hard because part of the reason I want an admission is because I can't make phone calls and I'm scared of doing other basic things in life. But it's hard when you've got to do those things that you're scared of just to get the admission Like it. Just it doesn't. Oh, I don't know. It's hard, it's hard.

Speaker 1: 25:10

This whole, this whole thing, is this mental health game. I'm telling you I'm sick of it, I'm over it. I just want to get back into some sort of positive headspace and just move on. I don't know, it's not move on from mental health completely. Don't get me wrong. I'm staying in mental health for the long haul, in the sense that you know the advocacy, the research, the speaking, the podcasting, everything I'm doing. But as a consumer of mental health services, I really want to get to a position where that does not have to happen anymore. All right, thank you everybody for listening.

Speaker 1: 25:45

I will say again, those letters are quite confronting at times and there's good reason for that. We're not mincing words here and there's no making things up. This is all legit. But trust me, I have no thoughts of doing any harm to myself or other people. I don't. I'm just flabbergasted that that's what seems to be what you have to do to get your leg in the door nowadays. That's the point that I'm making. I'm not going to be doing that sort of stuff.

Speaker 1: 26:18

And if I was to completely blow up and let the BPD demon run wild, that would be it's happened before. It's all all the efforts put towards myself. It's not other people With my BPD. Bpd is very classic. I've got to finish this episode. Bpd is classic, or is known as a disorder that not only affects the individual who's got it but also the people around them.

Speaker 1: 26:44

Now, with me, mostly that has concentrated on girlfriends when the blowups have happened, girlfriends and family members. But the blowups weren't at the girlfriends per se or the family members, it was at life and myself and how hard it is and I'm over it and I just can't stand this anymore. The pressure builds but it's all like me, me, me, me, stuff. I don't externalize any sorts of behaviors like that and I never have have and I just it's just not part of my makeup, it's not going to happen. If it was going to happen, it would have happened already. I've been pushed to the brink before. This isn't the first time, but yeah, so I hope me repeating this again doesn't sound like I'm I'm trying to cover myself, but you know, again it's confronting. But yeah, there is no way. I deserve help and I want to show the people around me how good we can be if things are going great.

Speaker 1: 27:45

There's no anger externally. There's no, even anger to the system, for sure. Definitely anger towards the system, 100%. If the system was a person, watch out. But it's not, it's not, it's not. So, yeah, anger towards the system was a person. Watch out, but it's not. You know it's not, it's not. So, yeah, anger towards the system, not towards the self or others, and not towards the self because of the work that I've done in therapy, which is pretty cool, like that is. One good thing that I've taken away from this whole process that is still ongoing is the fact that I have advocated pretty well for the self, and that's pretty cool because that means, you know, I'm buddies with myself again and that's great. You know that is great. All right, Thank you everybody for listening. I hope you're enjoying the show.

Speaker 1: 28:29

The last couple of episodes have been very focused on this need and this effort to get back in a hospital to get off the medications. The next episode that I'm going to do will be of a different topic. I promise I'm thinking maybe another DBT skill or I'm thinking maybe doing an episode on one of these disorders, but we'll see. I'm going to keep that a little secret for now and I haven't figured it out. But yeah, I'll let you know because there'll be a new episode coming soon. But yes, it won't be about this topic. I'll give it a rest for a little bit. Unless something happens. Hopefully the next lesson is lesson.

Speaker 1: 29:08

The next episode is me from Bloomfield saying guess what, guys, I'm in. I smuggled in a microphone and a recorder and I'm in. How good is this? All right, thanks for listening. Appreciate it, I really do. I'll see you here next time on the show. And just a reminder you can now follow the show on Facebook. There's not much content on there yet, but there's going to be. So, yes, the Dysregulated Podcast on Facebook. Check it out, it's going to be great. All right, thanks, guys. See you later. Have a good one.