Introduction and Relentless Rain

Speaker 0 0:10

G'day everybody . My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulator podcast . As always , thank you for tuning in . If you're enjoying the show , feel free to like , subscribe , give us a great rating and you can share it around with your mates . And you can follow me on Instagram at elliotttwaters . All right , so I'm coming to you on my dinner break . This is how hard of a work I am . I'm even recording on my break at work .

Speaker 0 0:35

I don't know if you can hear the rain , but it's raining , which is no surprise . I'll tell you , the last fortnight , the last couple of weeks , last six weeks maybe , it has just rained like every day . It has been brutal , it has been grim and it's pouring rain again . It's freezing cold weather . It's been a shocking start in the winter . So , yeah , so I'm in the car , I'm recording . It's raining outside again .

Speaker 0 0:59

I used to like the rain once upon a time , but this has become a bit too much . It's just so much of it . It's just like sunny days have been fleeting , fleeting at best . I've never , I don't think , lived through a consistent period where it's rained so often and so consistently . I don't think this , to me , is new territory . I don't know if this is climate change or what . All I know is it's grim weather and I'm feeling it , and not just me either . I talk to a lot of people and everyone's just over it , just over the rain , the gray , the cold . It's just terrible . It's interesting .

Winter Depression and Temperature Effects

Speaker 0 1:34

So I'm sure we've all heard of seasonal affective disorder , which is when you have a depression that comes on during the winter months . But usually , or as far as I understand it , seasonal affective disorder is more to do with sunlight or lack of . But for me , I've always found it's not so much the lack of sunlight that's been killer . For me it's the temperature . I don't care if it's sunny , but if it is freezing cold , it doesn't matter . I'm not loving it , and I've never looked this up , and maybe I will , I don't know because it becomes more and more of a theme of my life this whole . It gets cold and I get really , really depressed because it's true , it happens , it's happening again .

Speaker 0 2:13

Things have been really hard the last couple of weeks . It's getting colder , it's getting into winter . This is not my time of year , not at all . But hey , you got to do what you got to do and that's why I'm here in my car with the rain coming down , it's single digit weather and I'm talking to you right now and making something of today , which I am because I'm at work today , but like this will . This will hopefully get me in a slightly better headspace , because today has been it's been a hard one today .

Speaker 0 2:40

The last two weeks has been difficult . I don't want to sound like a broken record I don't but at the same time , not much has changed . I'm still in this whole holding pattern , waiting for some mental health professional to take me under their wing and show me some guidance so I can get off these medications and possibly look for some new work and get back into the transport industry

Medication Struggles and Career Limbo

Speaker 0 3:02

. That's the plan , but I can't do it while I'm on all these meds because it's red flags go up and everyone's like , nah , we can't have you . It's not good for insurance and the New South Wales Transport Government . They don't like it when you're on any psychotic medications and wanting to drive trucks , and that's sort of what I want to do , or at least get back into it for a little bit . So I need to get off these meds and the fact that I feel terrible and this last two weeks , there's no change During this last fortnight , a few episodes ago , you would have heard that I was at the Marta Hospital begging for some sort of resolution to this whole medication problem , because I'm at my wits end and I am , I am , and one of these days the pressure just keeps building .

Speaker 0 3:46

The pressure keeps building . There is no release , while I feel as though I'm not moving in life at all . There is no release of this pressure that is building and it's getting to a point where I'm getting a little bit concerned . Finally , I'm getting concerned about what's going to happen because I don't know . I'm telling you the negative thoughts . They're coming on . They're getting stronger and stronger as the rainy days build up . The pressure inside builds up as I don't move and progress in my career , and that word potential follows me around . And I've just had a gutful and I'm about to blow . I'm telling you , I'm about to blow and I'm on all these medications and I still feel like rubbish . So let's get off the meds and see what we're really dealing with . That's the plan , as you know , and then maybe I can change the direction of my career and I can work in a place that's maybe a little bit more in line with my meaning and purpose Not that there's any problems with me working here at Bunnings , except for the fact that you know the purpose of working here was to get me through my degree , and that was like three all my transport history and employment history in the industry , and my goal and my dream of synergizing both the mental health world and the transport world .

Speaker 0 5:02

Obviously , I won't go through it all now , but anyway , that's the general idea of what I want to do , but at the moment I'm not moving because I have no confidence , because my anxiety , my fear of life is so great , and these winter months are just going to drag on . These dreary , cold , rainy days just keep building . The pressure keeps building . As I'm not going anywhere , I feel as though I'm sinking and it's all going to blow , unless a mental health professional , for God's sakes , grabs me and goes Elliot , here's the plan to get off the meds . Then we'll reassess . You might go back on some , which I'm fully prepared to do . We know the story .

Speaker 0 5:37

The problem is , though , the headline of this episode and the fact that I feel like garbage still is because there's been no sort of movements to any of those goals , any of those goals I just rattled

Building Pressure and Mental Health

Speaker 0 5:49

off . Oh , I'm so tired . I'm so tired and just got I got nothing . I got nothing , but hey , I've got this episode out . I had to do this , or else I'll tell you , today would have been a complete write-off , or at least it would have felt like that , even though I'm doing a full day's work . That doesn't count . So I really really needed to do this , just to get the monkey off the back , and I've now done it , which is great .

Speaker 0 6:11

So , to sum up , the last two weeks have been horrendous . The weather is horrendous . That's not helping my plan , because it's just ticked over into winter this week , the start of this week . So you know like the plan was , I wouldn't be here at Bunnings working at night in this cold , rainy winter's weather , but unfortunately I'm still here , and the reason for that is because I'm stuck . I'm still here , and the reason for that is because I'm stuck . I'm frozen , not just because it's so cold , but because I'm so anxious and I do not have the capacity to do anything about my current situation , or at least it doesn't feel like it , and I really want someone in the mental health area that knows what they're doing to say Elliot , let's get you back on track , follow this plan . It's going to be hard , but if you stick with it , the results and the rewards will be there . That is all I want and , as we know , if you've listened to the last couple of episodes , I am making no progress on that front whatsoever . So that is another very happy , cheery episode that I'm so glad that I've been able to bring to you , which I am . I am glad I've been able to bring this to you and I'm not going to sugarcoat these things .

Speaker 0 7:17

At the moment my life sucks . My life is so just , oh , it's just grim , and the thing is it's probably objectively not as bad as I feel , but that doesn't matter . There's no objectivity about this at all . It's all subjective . And subjectively , this BPD lens or this mental illness lens , whatever you want to call it I'm not seeing anything good . I'm seeing lots of gray and I'm looking at all this rain coming down . I'm going to have to get back into work , make the quick dash from my car back inside and then out to the yard out the back , but it's going to be freezing . I'm drenched , my feet are cold . Who cares ? Elliot needs to stop complaining .

Speaker 0 7:54

Thank you for listening everybody . As always

Weather, BPD, and Future Episodes

Speaker 0 7:56

, I do appreciate it . I've got to go , but I'll talk to you soon here on the show . Coming up shortly will be the discharge papers from my little trip to the Mater Hospital about a week and a half ago . That is coming , probably next . That will be next , when I have the impetus and the energy and the drive to do it . And today , given this weather and how cold it is , it was never going to happen , so but anyway , but I've done a quick check-in . It's great to talk to you . As always , I'm going to stop rambling . I'll talk to you here next time on the Dysregulated Podcast podcast .