Setting the scene at Martyr Hospital

Speaker 1 0:00

G'day everybody . My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulator podcast . Now let me set the scene . I'm at the Martyr Hospital because I'm here wanting to demand some sort of way forward . As we know , I'm desperate for a medication review and potentially taper off all of them and see what we've got and then try again potentially . You know it's a big , long process and I can't do it on my own , even though that's what the suggestions have sort of been . But not listening to that , that's rubbish and I need a psychiatrist to oversee this because this is very , very complex .

Speaker 1 0:39

If you listen to the potty , you know my story's quite complex . There's quite a few different diagnoses going on . There's plenty of medications seven or eight know my story's quite complex . It's quite a few different diagnoses going on . There's plenty of medications , seven or eight of them . Whatever it is , it's a mammoth task , that's for sure , but I can't do it on my own .

Speaker 1 0:54

So hopefully here at the Marta I'll get some sort of result , because I'm going to go in , I'm going to say how desperate I am , which I am , and we'll see how we go . You know I hate that . I hate it when I've been here , right , did I mention I said my memory's so bad ? Did I mention I'm at the bus stop and it's pouring

Drenched at the bus stop

Speaker 1 1:14

rain and I'm drenched because I walked here in the pouring rain . It is unbelievable . It's , um , everything's dripping . All my papers , my referrals and stuff that I brought , they're all wet . But anyway , I think it adds to the theater of it all of how desperate I am to get this , this help that I desperately need , that I'm willing to trudge my way from my place to the Marta hospital in the pouring rain , bring along all the paperwork and , yeah , like I'm like I'm drenched , I look like I need help . So hopefully it might work in my favor because , yeah , I'm a bit uncomfortable at the moment with wet jeans and wet flannel . It's not good . Anyway , what I was going to say before is I hate coming to the Marta or another hospital or going to the doctors or whatever . Sorry , I'll just let the car drive past Because I don't know if you guys have done this experience that I'm doing now and have done a few times

The paradox of feeling better

Speaker 1 2:15

before . But even for the people who haven't , it probably would make sense .

Speaker 1 2:20

But you know , you get here , then you start feeling better , you know like it's like hey , I'm not that bad Things are all right , sense . But you know you get here . Then you start feeling better . You know like , yes , I'm out . You know it's like , hey , I'm not that bad , things are all right . You know , come on , mate , it's not that bad , you know .

Speaker 1 2:32

And the reason that you feel better is because you're at the place that offers you know the , the , the options , the treatments or whatever to hopefully get in a better frame of mind . The reason you feel better is not because the depression has just gone away or the anxiety has just died down and isn't going to return . It's because your brain knows that you're at the place where , potentially , help will be available , and that's a great feeling because you're empowered will be available . And that's a great feeling because you're empowered . You know you're feeling . You feel like you're actively working on your health . You know because you've gone to the doctors . That's an empowering , assertive mood , move , sorry , you know , like that's pat on the back , sort of stuff . It's really good .

Speaker 1 3:18

But unfortunately , what it tends to do at least for me tends to do , at least for me is I downplay how I'm feeling and I tend to not represent what's the word convey how I feel in that moment where I'm feeling a little bit better , a little bit lighter , and I don't go to the depths of my depression and anxiety and be petty and all that sort of stuff . Often at these places I don't go to the depths because I'm feeling sort of better for a little bit , you know . But the thing is I've done this , unfortunately , I've done this quite a few times . This is not the first time I've been here , so this is not my first radio and I know sort of how it works . So what I need to do now , which I'm still not very good at , but so what I need to do now , which I'm still not very good at , but at least I'm aware I've got the insight so I can try and do something about it .

Speaker 1 4:08

But what I need to do is to channel

The medication tapering plan

Speaker 1 4:11

the negative energy that I've been feeling all day , all day , all week , all month , all year . You know , you know , we know what the story's like , but that's the sort of feeling I need the channel . I need to get that back and really feel it and then convey that and be like , look , I'm stuffed and I need help . This is serious . Um , you know it's , it's , it's , this is life or death sort of stuff and that's what it is .

Speaker 1 4:36

But unfortunately , often in these situations I'm very poor at advocating for myself and and telling it's not so much telling the truth . It's not like I'm fibbing , but you know it is hard to represent how you feel when all of a sudden there's that shift towards positive emotion . I'll just let this car go past . But you know it's fleeting and that's the thing . I know what this is like . It is fleeting .

Speaker 1 5:04

I need to push that aside and actually dive into the negative and then present that , hopefully , to a psychiatrist who will then say you know what , elliot , you're a very complex case , but you know what ? Like , that's a challenge . That's a challenge I want to take on . I'm taking you on , elliot , let's go , let's go , let's go on this journey together . I don't know something like that would be nice or at least some sort of framework moving forward .

Speaker 1 5:31

But we know the deal , because I've been talking about a lot on the potty . We know what I want I need an extended stay in a mental health unit so I can taper off all these goddamn medications , see what we're left with what my baseline is now . See what we're left with what my baseline is now . See what my baseline is , and then reassess and potentially remedicate from there , because the thing is at this point , um , we don't know what medication is doing what there's . There's medications that are pulling to the left , and then there's medications pulling to the right , you know , like stimulants and and sedatives . It's hello , what are we dealing with here ? So , anyway , so that's the plan . I'm going to stop yapping because I actually need to go in there , but I'm real scared . I don't know .

Speaker 1 6:13

I'm really anxious today . I feel like this is a big one . The whole walk here I was just like nah , it's all right , it's fine , turn around and go home . It's fine , turn around and go home . So I am proud of myself for pushing through and getting here , because there was a lot of chatter , internal chatter , saying just go home , don't worry about it , go to sleep . Because it is 3 am at the moment .

Speaker 1 6:33

I don't know if I mentioned that part , it is pretty late , but yeah , I really don't

Pushing through anxiety at 3am

Speaker 1 6:39

feel comfortable at all walking in there today . This is going to be one of the harder ones I've ever done . But I think the reason why I feel so horrid at the moment is because this is the opportunity , and I know , deep down in my subconscious knows that this is potentially a big turning point and that's freaking me out , man , it's freaking me out . That's freaking me out and my inner critics like not go home and all the disorders they're all you know burrowing up saying no , no , we don't need this crap . But that , to me , is a sign that no , maybe we do need this crap .

Speaker 1 7:15

So , anyway , I've done enough yapping , I need to go inside . I need to give this a crack . I'll let you know how I go . Of course , um , thank you for listening and reach out to me on instagram if you'd like . Let you know how it go . Of course , um , thank you for listening and reach out to me on instagram if you'd like . And you know , rate the show five stars . You know the deal and share it around with your mates . All right , thanks , guys . Bye .