The Dysregulated Podcast
Follow my journey through the chaos of mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way.
Lived experience is at the heart of this podcast — every episode told through my own lens, with raw honesty and zero filter.
This is a genuine and vulnerable account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
The Dysregulated Podcast
Back to the Mater: Searching for Answers
I’m drenched, exhausted, and dragging myself through the rain—because I’m about to blow. This is a real-time recording, on my phone, just moments before I walked through the doors of the Mater hospital. Not in crisis, but not far off. I’m tired. Tired of the medication merry-go-round, the constant inner turmoil, the anxiety and depression. Im also tired of my inner critic telling me I’m not “bad enough” to deserve any help. But, I didn’t show up for fun. I didn’t walk from home to the hospital at 2am in the relentless rain to go home empty handed—I showed up because I’m worn out, and I need answers. Now.
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Follow my journey living with mental illness and the hard-fought lessons learned along the way. Lived experience is the driving force of this podcast, and through this lens, my stories are told.
This is a raw, honest, and authentic account of how multiple psychological disorders have shaped my past and continue to influence my future.
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You can follow me on Instagram: @elliot.t.waters
G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulator podcast. Now let me set the scene. I'm at the Martyr Hospital because I'm here wanting to demand some sort of way forward. As we know, I'm desperate for a medication review and potentially taper off all of them and see what we've got and then try again potentially. You know it's a big, long process and I can't do it on my own, even though that's what the suggestions have sort of been. But not listening to that, that's rubbish and I need a psychiatrist to oversee this because this is very, very complex.
Speaker 1:If you listen to the potty, you know my story's quite complex. There's quite a few different diagnoses going on. There's plenty of medications seven or eight know my story's quite complex. It's quite a few different diagnoses going on. There's plenty of medications, seven or eight of them. Whatever it is, it's a mammoth task, that's for sure, but I can't do it on my own.
Speaker 1:So hopefully here at the Marta I'll get some sort of result, because I'm going to go in, I'm going to say how desperate I am, which I am, and we'll see how we go. You know I hate that. I hate it when I've been here, right, did I mention I said my memory's so bad? Did I mention I'm at the bus stop and it's pouring rain and I'm drenched because I walked here in the pouring rain. It is unbelievable. It's, um, everything's dripping. All my papers, my referrals and stuff that I brought, they're all wet. But anyway, I think it adds to the theater of it all of how desperate I am to get this, this help that I desperately need, that I'm willing to trudge my way from my place to the Marta hospital in the pouring rain, bring along all the paperwork and, yeah, like I'm like I'm drenched, I look like I need help. So hopefully it might work in my favor because, yeah, I'm a bit uncomfortable at the moment with wet jeans and wet flannel. It's not good. Anyway, what I was going to say before is I hate coming to the Marta or another hospital or going to the doctors or whatever. Sorry, I'll just let the car drive past Because I don't know if you guys have done this experience that I'm doing now and have done a few times before. But even for the people who haven't, it probably would make sense.
Speaker 1:But you know, you get here, then you start feeling better, you know like it's like hey, I'm not that bad Things are all right, sense. But you know you get here. Then you start feeling better. You know like, yes, I'm out. You know it's like, hey, I'm not that bad, things are all right. You know, come on, mate, it's not that bad, you know.
Speaker 1:And the reason that you feel better is because you're at the place that offers you know the, the, the options, the treatments or whatever to hopefully get in a better frame of mind. The reason you feel better is not because the depression has just gone away or the anxiety has just died down and isn't going to return. It's because your brain knows that you're at the place where, potentially, help will be available, and that's a great feeling because you're empowered will be available. And that's a great feeling because you're empowered. You know you're feeling. You feel like you're actively working on your health. You know because you've gone to the doctors. That's an empowering, assertive mood, move, sorry, you know, like that's pat on the back, sort of stuff. It's really good.
Speaker 1:But unfortunately, what it tends to do at least for me tends to do, at least for me is I downplay how I'm feeling and I tend to not represent what's the word convey how I feel in that moment where I'm feeling a little bit better, a little bit lighter, and I don't go to the depths of my depression and anxiety and be petty and all that sort of stuff. Often at these places I don't go to the depths because I'm feeling sort of better for a little bit, you know. But the thing is I've done this, unfortunately, I've done this quite a few times. This is not the first time I've been here, so this is not my first radio and I know sort of how it works. So what I need to do now, which I'm still not very good at, but so what I need to do now, which I'm still not very good at, but at least I'm aware I've got the insight so I can try and do something about it.
Speaker 1:But what I need to do is to channel the negative energy that I've been feeling all day, all day, all week, all month, all year. You know, you know, we know what the story's like, but that's the sort of feeling I need the channel. I need to get that back and really feel it and then convey that and be like, look, I'm stuffed and I need help. This is serious. Um, you know it's, it's, it's, this is life or death sort of stuff and that's what it is.
Speaker 1:But unfortunately, often in these situations I'm very poor at advocating for myself and and telling it's not so much telling the truth. It's not like I'm fibbing, but you know it is hard to represent how you feel when all of a sudden there's that shift towards positive emotion. I'll just let this car go past. But you know it's fleeting and that's the thing. I know what this is like. It is fleeting.
Speaker 1:I need to push that aside and actually dive into the negative and then present that, hopefully, to a psychiatrist who will then say you know what, elliot, you're a very complex case, but you know what? Like, that's a challenge. That's a challenge I want to take on. I'm taking you on, elliot, let's go, let's go, let's go on this journey together. I don't know something like that would be nice or at least some sort of framework moving forward.
Speaker 1:But we know the deal, because I've been talking about a lot on the potty. We know what I want I need an extended stay in a mental health unit so I can taper off all these goddamn medications, see what we're left with what my baseline is now. See what we're left with what my baseline is now. See what my baseline is, and then reassess and potentially remedicate from there, because the thing is at this point, um, we don't know what medication is doing what there's. There's medications that are pulling to the left, and then there's medications pulling to the right, you know, like stimulants and and sedatives. It's hello, what are we dealing with here? So, anyway, so that's the plan. I'm going to stop yapping because I actually need to go in there, but I'm real scared. I don't know.
Speaker 1:I'm really anxious today. I feel like this is a big one. The whole walk here I was just like nah, it's all right, it's fine, turn around and go home. It's fine, turn around and go home. So I am proud of myself for pushing through and getting here, because there was a lot of chatter, internal chatter, saying just go home, don't worry about it, go to sleep. Because it is 3 am at the moment.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I mentioned that part, it is pretty late, but yeah, I really don't feel comfortable at all walking in there today. This is going to be one of the harder ones I've ever done. But I think the reason why I feel so horrid at the moment is because this is the opportunity, and I know, deep down in my subconscious knows that this is potentially a big turning point and that's freaking me out, man, it's freaking me out. That's freaking me out and my inner critics like not go home and all the disorders they're all you know burrowing up saying no, no, we don't need this crap. But that, to me, is a sign that no, maybe we do need this crap.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, I've done enough yapping, I need to go inside. I need to give this a crack. I'll let you know how I go. Of course, um, thank you for listening and reach out to me on instagram if you'd like. Let you know how it go. Of course, um, thank you for listening and reach out to me on instagram if you'd like. And you know, rate the show five stars. You know the deal and share it around with your mates. All right, thanks, guys. Bye.
