Elliot: 0:11

G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast, as always. Thank you for tuning in. Right, Today's episode is the next in the my Therapy Reflection Series and let me tell you there's a bit to reflect on. So this is how it's going to work there's going to be part A, which is this episode, and there's going to be part B. So part A looks at a therapy session I had a fortnight ago and all the reflections on that and all the conclusions that were drawn and the interesting new insights that were gained. And then part B is going to be about the therapy session I've just had this week on Monday, today being Wednesday night. So because you could squeeze them both together, these two therapy sessions, and they would just be continuous, it'd be beautiful. They flow perfectly from the first to the second one. So that's why I'm going to do it as this sort of part A, part B, instead of a separate reflection sort of episode, because they're very much intrinsically linked, I believe, and that's how I want to try and present the events here today, here on the podcast, and when I do the part B episode, which hopefully I'll do not long after this one.

Elliot: 1:32

So part A. Now there's been a bit of time. I had to have a bit of time to think about it. Some details have as it which always happens with therapy you can't remember every little thing that was said, unfortunately. Well, at least if you're like me, you can't. I certainly can't remember every little thing that was said, unfortunately, well, at least if you're like me, you can't, I certainly can't. So part A is going to be I'm going to try and make it as detailed as possible of as much detail that I have at hand, if that makes sense. So I did think about writing not writing, sorry well, writing and recording this episode straight after the particular therapy session a fortnight ago I'm talking about. But I chose not to because I really needed to think some of the things through and get my head around it first before I presented it in some sort of digestible form to you guys here on the podcast. So I wanted to do it justice, I wanted to do it properly. So I've taken a bit of time to have a think about it and think about the things that came up and um, but now I think I'm ready to present the findings, the the important details that were uncovered, and go from there Cause it. You know it's gonna. This is the thing. This is the thing.

Elliot: 2:40

As we know, I'm a very complex case. So this isn't CBT sort of therapy stuff. This is internal family systems therapy and this is EMDR. So two very different therapies that are not like CBT at all, not even like DBT really either. And it's hard to explain what I uncover because it is so imaginative. It's very much right brain. You know there's not.

Elliot: 3:15

You know like I'm going to be talking about the parts. You know, the cognitive overthinker, the inner critic, the workaholic, the 16-year-old loose cannon, my inner parts, and there's a few more that have popped up since as well. To someone who maybe doesn't have much experience with internal family systems therapy in particular, it might sound a bit weird, a bit like a fantasy sort of thing. But let me tell you these parts are as real as anything that I know that is real. These parts are as real as anything that I know that is real. Like it's unbelievable, this therapy, how it can use, you know, use your imagination to come up with these constructs which then fit into the sub parts that have, that then represent some really core sort of beliefs about the self, and then you can actually talk to these parts as well and then move on and have the parts with you and you're all on the same team and it's pretty hectic stuff.

Elliot: 4:14

And I really needed to do an episode just a basic one on IFS internal family systems therapy, because it's a beauty but it is hard to get your head around, especially if you're just going into it for the first time in therapy. It sounds weird, it sounds like weird voodoo sort of stuff. But I'm telling you, I'm telling you, give it a shot because well, for me at least, as I said, there's nothing more real in my world than my parts, my sub parts, those sub components which make up my psyche, which, theoretically, are all aligned with the self. You know, the actual self that should have the hands on the steering wheel. But as you learn in this therapy and I think I've probably got this point across already in some of the previous Therapy Reflections episodes, but as you learn, you know often it's not you behind the driving wheel. You know, like, think about if you're trying a diet for the first time, you know, and how difficult it is to diet. Well, you know, if it was the self calling the shots, it'd be easy because you just do it.

Elliot: 5:17

But there's these other parts of play that you know force you to do different things, and that's not the greatest example. I think the better examples are the ones I'm about to give now about my own personal experience. Um, but there's all these different parts that are jockeying for position. Um, across the podcast, I've I've I've stated this case that within me there's these different disorders that are jockeying for position. Um, but there's certainly these sub parts that are jockeying for position, but there's certainly these sub parts that are jockeying for position as well.

Elliot: 5:47

Now, whether you want to call them parts and you know alter egos, or or just you know a different I don't know manifestation of the self, however you want to call it, whatever you want to call it, the fact of the matter is the psyche is very complex and there isn't just one single sort of person that's calling the shots here. That's just not how it works, unfortunately. But what is exciting is that you can get into these sub parts if you do internal family systems therapy and you can really learn so much about yourself, and then you can really get a hold of these parts which are only trying to do their best and say right, stick with me, trust me, me as the self. I've got this. But you guys have been looking after me. You guys have been protecting me, because that's what they're doing. These sub parts, you know, the workaholic is just doing it to protect me. My inner critic even now.

Elliot: 6:40

I have now seen, which I'll explain more about in a minute I now understand how my inner critic may be actually on my side and my inner critic is only doing what it's doing because it wants to keep the self safe. And it sounds again. Maybe it sounds a bit fanciful, I'm not sure, but I'm telling you this stuff is as real as it gets, so let's get into it anyway. So, therapy session, the one a fortnight ago, I'll try and remember. This stuff is as real as it gets, so let's get into it anyway. So, therapy session, the one a fortnight ago, I'll try and remember as much detail as I can, but I think the main points I'm pretty much across and that's what I'll try and get across here in this episode, and then we're going to build on these sorts of uncoverings in that episode. Sorry, that therapy session certainly built on this first one and there is very much a continuum between both. So, anyway.

Elliot: 7:31

So my therapist said you know how's things going, as she always does, and I usually say, oh, you know it's up and down, but this particular time I really stressed the fact that anxiety is causing massive. This particular time I really stressed the fact that anxiety is causing massive, massive problems, massive problems. And I knew this therapy session was going to be interesting because, you know, I do the whole sleeping thing where I sleep for like three days. Well, this therapy session I booked this like this on purpose actually interrupted one of the sleeping sort of episodes. It interrupted it, which was pretty good, and I forced myself although I did have to use some dexamphetamine to do it, but I forced myself out of bed and I forced myself to get to this therapy session and I said this to my psychologist.

Elliot: 8:17

I said you know, you've got me in a pretty raw and vulnerable state, you know, right off the bat, without actually doing anything, because I've pulled myself out of this slumber, this sleeping thing. You know this recharging that I do this escape from the world to recharge those batteries. I've got myself out of that. I've ripped myself out of that back into the light of the day, which I'm going to talk more about in a minute and I'm here sitting in therapy and I'm ready to go. And I'll tell you, I'm vulnerable, I don't know what's going to come out, but whatever's coming out, it's going to be the truth and it's going to be nothing but the truth, and I'm ready to go. That's pretty much what I said to her.

Elliot: 8:56

I said I'm freaking out. I've been freaking out, you know, all week, as often I do, unfortunately, as every week I tend to freak out because, you know, the world just shines too brightly and that's what a big part of this episode is going to be about. So, anyway, so we asked the question you know how's things been, how's it been since you were last here, and I say the same thing, like I said, up and down, and you know, I've been very, very anxious. You know, same old, sort of same old, um, and then we sort of delved into things a bit deeper and we and my psychologist was like all right, are we ready to sort of pick up where we left off? Um, you know, talking to the parts and all that sort of stuff, I said, yeah, yeah, I'm ready to go. Um, I said, but I am feeling I am I'm.

Elliot: 9:41

She said is there anything sort of coming to mind as we sit here today and I thought you know what there actually is. I don't know if she could read it on my face or what, but I was like there actually is. I feel, like I said, because I've been sort of ripped out of this slumber that I'm usually in, I feel like I'm at the top of like a well, like a deep tunnel. I'm at the top of the tunnel and my head's just poking out over the top and that's where I am here sitting in therapy today, because when I'm asleep in that slumber I said, um, it feels like I'm in this sort of this tunnel. You know I'm in this tunnel. I'm under the sheets, I'm under the blankets. You know the blinds are drawn, everything's as dark as I can make it be. I'm not hearing anything from the outside world because I'm in this cocoon. I'm in this tunnel that I create for myself in my bedroom, which is full of darkness and terrible, depressing thoughts and anxiety.

Elliot: 10:37

We know that I've had massive problems in this hole, in this tunnel, where the dark thoughts have got too much, and I've had to go to hospital and I've had these massive panic attacks where I'm dripping with sweat absolutely going off my head, this tunnel, I said to her. I said the tunnel feels like it's damp and there's no light but to be, and it's really quite constricting as well, which I think is related when I get really sort of depressed, really depressed like. It feels like to me that the walls are closing in. And I said that it felt like I was at the bottom of this tunnel and the walls had closed in just enough where I didn't get crushed to death, but the walls were right there. And if I wanted to turn over you know cause I'm sort of laying down in this tunnel at the bottom here if I want to sort of roll over, you know there's not much room to do it and it's real squishy and I've got to sort of. You know, and, as I said, it's damp and the walls are so close, I'm feeling really claustrophobic, which in the real world I do feel very claustrophobic. And I do feel very claustrophobic especially when I have the panic attacks, when I'm in these sorts of moments, these long slumbers where I'm escaping the world. So anyway, so that's why I said I said this is what it feels like. It feels like because with me I'm very imagery sort of based I'm very right brain. So this is very much a right brain sort of concoction, but it makes sense and it certainly makes sense to me.

Elliot: 12:07

I said I feel like that I've been ripped out of my hole, out of the tunnel. I'm right at the top of the tunnel. I haven't peered out of it yet because the light is so blinding and bright that I just cannot climb out of the tunnel, out of this well, out of this hole in the ground, because it's just too bright. It's too bright. And again, that is very reminiscent of me in the real world because, especially when I come out of these slumbers, you know all my senses, they're dialed up to 11, you know what I mean. And especially, although I would say auditory, you know, sensitivity is my biggest number one when it comes to sensory sensitivities. Usually it's noise. That's the thing for me.

Elliot: 12:53

But when I come out of these sleeps, these slumber, this hibernation period, everything's so bright, everything is so bright and moving too quickly. And that's exactly what it felt like in this, in this sort of image I was bringing to mind. That's the same thing. I'm on the edge of this well, this hole, this tunnel, whatever you want to call it and it's just too bright out there, I'm not going out, I'm not going out, it's too bright, I'm not going out, it's too bright. So that in itself was pretty profound, because now I have a bit more of a psychological understanding of what these sort of slumber things are all about. You know, now I can sort of visualize what's going on when I'm in bed for three days, you know, barely drinking water, not having any meds, like I know, and I've always sort of known this. But now I've put a picture to it that, yeah, it feels like I'm down this tunnel and the walls are so close to crushing me, but they're just not quite, but they're so bloody close, um, and it's so hard for me to crawl out of this tunnel because it's so goddamn bright out there.

Elliot: 14:02

And I was sitting in in this therapy session and the window behind my psychologist was there and it was bright. It was so bright middle of the day and I even said, even as I sit here right now, it's too bright, everything's too bright, and unfortunately there were no blinds or anything to try and mitigate that as a problem for me. But that's why I said, why I said I said in this vision, like I'm not climbing out because it's too bright and scary. And in the real world I'm telling her like even driving from my house to my psychologist it takes about 10, 15 minutes. Even on that drive there I was white knuckling that sort of thing. It was white knuckled stuff just holding on and everything was too bright. Everything was moving too quickly. And the same sort of pattern occurred when I got into the therapy room as well. It was the same thing. It was just too bright. Everything's too bright.

Elliot: 14:51

The world is too bright and that sort of makes sense. It makes sense from more of a psychological, scientific point of view. It makes sense from me having autism. It really does, because for people with autism often I don't want to generalize here, but especially in my case the world as we know is not really set up for the neurodivergent. It's just not. And for those of us with sensitivities, sensory sensitivities the world is too bright or it's too loud, or there's too many smells or there's too many textures that we have to come across Like. The world is too much. For people with autism Asperger's, if you want to go, you know Asperger's, autism and many other mental illnesses especially for people with major depressive disorder the world is too bright and that disorder actually makes the world darker. That's how terrible depression is. It literally makes the world darker and gray for people because the world is too bright. And for those of us with autism I'll tell you it is hard, hard work, and it is. The world is too bright, there's too many noises. I can't handle it. There's too much going on.

Elliot: 16:09

I've said before how difficult it is in the job that I have at Bunnings Warehouse which, again, bunnings have been nothing but so supportive, and one day I'm going to do an episode dedicated to Bunnings and how great they've been for me. But the truth of the matter is working in the timber yard at a busy Bunnings and how great they've been for me. But the truth of the matter is, you know, working in the timber yard at a busy Bunnings store Bunnings Guitar as I do here in Newcastle, you know it's constantly talking to customers, it's constantly hearing forklifts moving around and although when I'm on the forklift itself, the world becomes very singular for me, and it's actually really it's a really great exercise in mindfulness and that's why I think I'm quite a good forklift operator, arguably one of the best in the company, for sure, but I am a good forklift operator because the world does go quiet when I'm on that forklift. The world goes quiet and it's not as bright because I'm focusing on that pallet there's got to go in that racking there. I'm focusing on that skid there with some stock on it, there's got to go in the back of this truck. You know what I mean. The world becomes singular, it's not as bright, it's not as loud. I'm locked in. But take me out of that seat, out of the hot seat of the forklift.

Elliot: 17:18

And when I'm engaging with customers constantly and other team members, and it's just, I'm telling you, like you know, the Bunnings radio is blaring and, like I said, there's trucks and cars, there's kids yelling, there's dogs barking. It's too bright, it's too loud and it's a really, really difficult job for someone whose social capacity is or has dwindled because the jobs. I've been with Bunnings for eight years. I don't want to go off topic too much, but I've been with Bunnings for eight years, um, and my social capacity unfortunately, over those eight years has dwindled and it's becoming harder and harder because I just don't have the ability to engage like I used to. But I have to force myself. You know cause you got to work, you know, I've got to pay for all these psychology appointments and stuff and all these medications, so anyway.

Elliot: 18:03

So what I'm trying to say is the world for people like me is too bright as just a general rule. Okay, so it's too bright, and that's exactly what this image that I was coming up with. It was manifesting itself in this image, this idea that the world is too bright and that's all well and good. So that was really good, that was great, you know. But there was this other element, there was another element to it, there was another element and and it really come on strong and there was no doubt about this.

Elliot: 18:33

And I said to my psychologist I was like, look, I just got to just give me a minute, just just to, you know, cause she's probing. You know what's it look like? You know, is there anyone standing at the top of the hole you know of the tunnel? You know like, is there, is there a ladder that goes to the top? I was like, yeah, yeah, there's a ladder, there's a ladder and it's, you know, it's in decent condition. So that tells me that, um, the image is telling me that, you know, I have the ability to climb out of this, of this tunnel, and that ladder is strong and sturdy. Pictured. It represents, you know, the ladder is my ability to be able to overcome and get out of the hole, out of the tunnel.

Elliot: 19:15

And that ladder was strong, it was sturdy, but it was also very, very bright, very bright, and I thought that was very interesting, that that at the top of the hole it's bright at the top of the tunnel, but it's also really bright on the implement that I need to use to get out of it. So this whole process of climbing out of this tunnel is just bright. It's offensive and it hurts the eyes, it hurts the ears, it hurts all the senses, except maybe taste. I don't know. There wasn't much taste going on, but you know what I mean. So even my framework to get out of the tunnel, out of this depressing sort of hibernation that I go into, even the way in which I have to do it, is really too bright. So I thought that was very, very interesting. But then it got more interesting. Can you believe it? So, if you're still holding on, thank you.

Elliot: 20:10

I'm sort of rambling a bit, but I'm telling you this was very profound, very profound, and the fact that I can now, you know, this in itself, this part that I've said already, the fact that I can even imaginatively, even the fact that I can, you know, get that image into mind of what this process is all about huge step forward, huge step forward, um, and it's made the whole process um, of potentially slipping into this hibernation mode again, but it's made it a little bit less scary because I understand more about it now and I can sort of quantify it, you know, and it's like right, I can qualify it too, I can categorize it a bit, it's like all right, so I can get a handle of this. You know, I know what this, I know what the picture is that it's painting here. I'm sort of all over this. Now there's this psychological underpinning to it as well. This is great news and that does not. That emboldens you, it empowers you and it's been a huge, it was a huge breakthrough moment.

Elliot: 21:08

But there were more coming. There were more coming and this is what happened next. So my psychologist said, you know, she said about the ladder and stuff, and and she said, is there anyone at the top? Um, you know, is there anyone at the top of the tunnel? Um, maybe, you know, telling, beckoning you to sort of climb out. You know, trying to cheer you on, I said holy dooly. I said holy doley, there is, there is Now. You might think maybe it'd be like my parents, or you know my friends or my coworkers, or you know people in my support network and I have a support network and I'm a great support network. I'm so, so lucky and blessed and thank you to all of you who are listening. You know who you are but sorry to say, it was none of you guys. Sorry, as good as you guys are, you guys were not the ones at the top of the tunnel.

Elliot: 21:59

You know cheering me on, saying Elliot, come on, you can do this. I'm telling you, even talking right now. We're 20 minutes into this episode. This is way longer than I planned, but still, this is I've got to get it out there. You know, because I'm almost, oh, I am. I'm getting a bit choked up thinking about it, because at the top of the, at the top of the hole of the tunnel, were these sub parts of mine, the 16-year-old loose cannon. He was there going come on, elliot, you've got this, mate, you've got this. I was like holy dooly, thank you for the support. You know you're like I knew you were in me corner, even though you get me to do some naughty things. Like you know, I knew you were backing me. Thank you so much.

Elliot: 22:41

And then there's the workaholic, you know going, you know trying to tell me it's all right, we got you. Man is huge, you know, holy crap. And the cognitive overthinkers. There too, I'm saying, like you know, we'll think this through, it's all right, come to the top, we'll think this through, we'll come up with a plan. I was like all right, this is pretty good. You know, like this is, this is all so, so much. And then you know who else was there. There was, I'm forgetting, oh well, well then, then then the big one, the big one is who was left was and this is what I couldn't believe, and this is what gets me a bit choked up a bit, because I couldn't believe it. But the inner critic was up there, the inner critic.

Elliot: 23:28

Now, this whole time, this whole time, for my whole life, ever since I discovered the inner critic concept, I've always thought the inner critic was my enemy, always, always. And my psychologist said no, no, no, it's actually in your corner. You got to just like the other parts of you, it's the same, it's a protecting part as well. It's just doing its thing. I was like, nah, nah, I don't believe it. I don't believe it Because the inner critic never, ever has anything positive to say and never has. I'm like, nah, I'm sorry, like a part that has nothing positive to say ever. How on earth can that part be in my corner? I can't, I cannot imagine that and I refuse to believe it. Basically, that's what I was saying.

Elliot: 24:16

I've said for so long, you know, even through this internal family systems therapy process, which has been so enlightening up until this point. You know, I'm sorry, the inner critic is not in my corner and I need to quieten it as much as I can. And I've said in my black dog presentations I would quieten it as much as I can. And I've said in my Black Dog presentations, I would have said it in episodes gone by here on the podcast as well the inner critic is not my friend, it is my foe, and I've got to figure out a way to shut it up for good. And then I'll say to my psychologist I was rattling them off, loose cannons there.

Elliot: 24:47

16-year-old, the workaholic, the cognitive overthinker, they're all there. You know this is unbelievable. But the inner critic was there too and it was the one that was really like mate, mate, I've got you. You got to trust me for once, but I've got you, I'm looking after you. I'm telling you, grab my hand, I'll pull you out. And it was huge. It was huge, I'm telling you. I cried a little bit. It was massive, and it was the first time ever that I even thought that the inner critic was maybe in my corner.

Elliot: 25:17

And, my goodness, ever since that moment the inner critic there's no two ways about it it's on my side and I can see it now and I'm very apologetic to this part that has done nothing but try to protect me. And if anything, it's the inner critic. That's the one that's tried the most. It's tried the hardest because it's always there and it's always jabbering in my ear. But I now know that it is there. It's doing that because it's trying to protect me. It's trying to protect me from getting ripped off by people, essentially and when I say ripped off, I mean, like you know, ragged on, you know, um, you know it's trying to help me because it doesn't want me to look like a failure in the workplace. It's trying to help me because it doesn't want me to be a failure in my relationships and the inner critic's just like.

Elliot: 26:08

The inner critic only knows what it knows and it knows things that maybe aren't right or aren't done as well as they should be, and it knows that those are weaknesses. They have potential spots of weakness where you know people could say things about me. Or I'll have a, you know I'll fall apart in a relationship or in previously that is not anymore, of course or I'll stuff up at work. You know the inner critic, yes, it is constantly on my back because it only knows that it needs to just keep on me so I don't do anything. Stupid is essentially what it's doing, and it's like man, I bet and this is what I sort of told me was this part. This is the first time I'd communicated with it on this level. But it said to me listen, mate, I've been there from the start. I've been there from when, you know you didn't quite fit in properly as a toddler at play group and you were really shy at play group, which I didn't remember, but I now do.

Elliot: 27:08

You know the inner critic was there Because you've got to remember when I was in year one or year, two or whatever. I was five or six years old. I'm thinking to myself on the monkey bars. I don't want to live a life where I'm anxious all the time. And what was also going on then was this inner critic was starting to form, because even back then as a youngster there were moments where I could see that I didn't quite fit in and I was doing things. Maybe that didn't quite help me moving forward. I didn't really know it very well, only in a very immature sense back then, but I knew well enough that I could come to that really clear cognitive thought that I don't want to live a life where I'm nervous all the time.

Elliot: 27:49

My inner critic basically said back then although it was very much in its infancy, as I was as well, but it basically said all right, all right, I'm going to do what I need to do so you don't live a life where you're stressed all the time. So that's what it has done over the years and unfortunately the way in which it's gone about it has been quite difficult. But the reason, or a big part of it, is because I do not sort of gel in this world very well, very easily, and my inner critic knows that. It knows, elliot, you're a bit different mate. It knew I was different before I knew I was different. It knew my potential, say, social shortcomings a long time before I did. He could see how shy I was in playgroup and how that might become a problem later on.

Elliot: 28:38

And it was the inner critic that really drove in my teenage years that change in the way that I acted. I went from being sort of quiet and reserved to being this obnoxious, boisterous, loud individual who, because my inner critic said you know, have a look around, who are the ones that are getting the girls? Who are the ones that are getting invited to the parties? It's the loud, obnoxious, boisterous ones. And my inner critic said you are not that and you know what? If you want to succeed in this world, you know you need to be that and I'm going to make you that. And the inner critic has done that and I always look down on it for doing that over the years and being like you know damn, why did it push me into changing? You know how I acted and all this sort of stuff. Like looking back now. It's like it's easy now looking back.

Elliot: 29:27

But my inner critic was there saying look, I'm looking around and this is what I'm seeing and you're seeing it as well, obviously, because, remember, the inner critic is still part of the self. So I know I'm talking about it separately, but for a moment trying to imagine the inner critic's not really separate. So I'm seeing the self, I'm seeing that I'm not getting invited to these parties, right? So the inner critic within is also seeing it through my eyes, because we work in tandem, even though sometimes it's like we work separately. And the inner critic said right, we need to change our approach because this ain't working, mate, this ain't working. You want friends? It ain't happening. So you know, it was a real huge, that was a real light bulb moment, let me tell you it was. And I still can't believe. Don't get me wrong. Has my inner critic always done the right thing by me? No, I don't think so, but it has always done what it thinks is best.

Elliot: 30:23

And unfortunately, because of these mental illnesses that I have BPD being such a great example of that, because it really ruins your self-esteem and your view of the self and the body image stuff plays into BPD, bpd and the inner critic are very much intertwined and my inner critic has unfortunately been twisted a little bit by my BPD and by my autism and by my OCD and these obsessions and by all these anxieties the social anxiety as well, has been a huge part. They have twisted my inner critic and they have created these other sub parts of mine out of their pathology, if that makes sense. So these sub parts of mine are a response to this mental pathology. So the inner critic is a response to the overall general not fitting in sort of mental pathology that has handicapped me socially. In that way, the 16-year-old loose cannon is a direct result of borderline personality disorder, 100%, 100%.

Elliot: 31:32

The cognitive overthinker is very much a direct result of OCD, these obsessions and compulsions that I have about different things, but also is a direct result of the autism too, because I do think differently and I think maybe I think about certain things more than others maybe do. And there's that overthinking component because this autistic brain of mine just does not stop, this ADHD brain of mine just does not stop and, as a result, this workaholic this cognitive overthinker has been, has come out of it and I would say the inner critic is like the chief of the sub parts, it is the number one and it has been there since the start, definitely, and I've now seen it in a different light, it's role, in a different light, and now I understand that it's just like the other parts. Just like the other parts, it's on my side, it's in my corner. It's just tried to do the best that it's been able to with the tools that it's got, just tried to do the best that it's been able to with the tools that it's got and unfortunately, because of these mental illnesses, my inner critic has gone.

Elliot: 32:37

You know, like you know, during growth and puberty, my inner critic was being injected with steroids and it was BPD, it was OCD, it was social anxiety, generalized anxiety, whatever. All the autism, all the, all the different, you know all the different diagnoses I've got. They were feeding this inner critic and just feeding it and feeding it, my inner critic's going holy dooly. Well, if I'm to overcome all this, I've just got to be the most rigid. You know, I've just got to ride Elliot constantly, just ride him and ride him, because if I don't, then there will be an opportunity for these mental illnesses and for this world that he's operating in and trying his best, but it isn't cut out. He's not cut out for this world. Let's be honest. This is what my inner critic is thinking. If I drop the ball here and lower the intensity, that's when people are going to get him, and that's the huge problem. We do not want people to get him like they did during high school, for example. So my inner critic was there when I was younger, but it was high school, as we're going to discover more which is really what brought on all of these sub parts, what really brought on these mental illnesses and brought them to light and what really has caused a lot of the problems that I deal with today, unfortunately. So, anyway, so that's half an hour of I'm about.

Elliot: 34:01

I'm basically doing a full hour of the therapy session, word, no, not word for word, but this is dragging on a little bit. So I'm going to try and wrap it up because there is going to be a part two. But then, right at the end of the session, something else happened which was very, very interesting, and it happened at the end of the session and this was definitely carried over to the next one. And she said because I, in that moment, I wasn't able to get out of the tunnel. So back to the tunnel. All my sub parts are at the top and at this point, because I knew that when I went home from this therapy session, I was going back to bed. But I also knew I'd broken the cycle this time. So I'd go back home, I'd probably sleep till the next morning, but I knew that I'd be okay. I just knew I'd be able, I'd snap that cycle. This wasn't going to go back into hibernation mode, this was just Elliot needs to have a bit of a lay down because this is full on Um and we'll try again tomorrow. But we will try again tomorrow. So I knew that, um, I was going to get out of the tunnel and I was going to, you know, climb that very shiny offensive ladder that was in there, that that I had to climb, which represented, you know, the tools that I have at my disposal, that even that is often overwhelming. But at the end, yeah. So I never got out of the tunnel. In this scenario, I never got out of the tunnel.

Elliot: 35:23

My psychologist actually said can you invite the parts into the tunnel with you? And we decided as a group a group being me and my parts we conferred very quickly, um, and we decided no, that wasn't a good idea, because we don't want any more of Elliot in the tunnel, in the hole, in that damp hole. You know the fact that the self is in there, that's enough. That's enough. We do not want the rest of the parts to jump in as well, because then good luck to you, you ain't getting out because you ain't getting out, and that's right. I would not be getting out because it's these sub parts that are protecting me, that are also the ones that are going to help me climb that ladder and get out into the bright world and then proceed forward until the next hibernation mode, until I get that all sorted. But that was very poignant, that was huge, that was huge. But then, right at the end, right at the end I promise this is the last point, but right at the end, this was just as big.

Elliot: 36:20

And this is what fueled part two, or will fuel part two, when I tell you all about it, and that is the fact that there was this other random memory just popped into my head because we were sort of thinking a bit about how the inner critic has probably been there for so long and all this stuff. And you know, trying to think back, um, you know where. You know the 16 year old self. Elliot, you talk a lot about high school and stuff. You know, um, are there any other parts, maybe from back then that are that? Because I sort of I forgot to mention this bit, but I could see in my vision to me like there were the.

Elliot: 36:57

My sub parts were at the edge, you know, the lip of the hole of the tunnel, the top of the ladder, but it looked like to me, but it wasn't very clear. The detail wasn't there, but there might've been some other people or other parts standing behind the front row of the parts that are known, maybe some unknown parts that are there as well. I just haven't uncovered them yet. So in my vision, the parts, these parts were gray, they were grayed out and it's hard to describe because in my mind's eye I'd never be able to draw a picture of what I was seeing. But that was like my sub parts that I knew about. They were in the light, and then the sub parts that maybe was there but I hadn't uncovered yet. They seemed really gray and sort of in the shadows a bit more, um, but then this other sub part came up. So I've spoken a lot about the 16 year old, but then this 15 year old self come up and I was like, whoa man, this is huge.

Elliot: 37:55

Because as soon as this 15 year old revealed itself, this memory of me going to the movies, it come back so clear, so vivid, like I could feel it within, like the pit of my stomach. I was like ho ho, yes, this 15 year old self, I know you very, very well and I knew that this self, this, this part of the self, hang on, this sub part, um, I knew this sub part carried straight away. I was like, right, you carry a lot of trauma. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach straight away and I know where we're going back to, because I can feel this as clear as day. And straight away I was like, yep, I know this movie's cinema idea, this memory of going to the movies. I know exactly where this is leading straight away.

Elliot: 38:47

Honestly, I haven't thought about this memory and I do a lot of ruminating, a lot of ruminating about the past, and I haven't thought of this memory in years like 10 years, 15 years, I reckon at least. Yeah, I'd completely forgotten that this happened, but straight away, boom, it was like someone flicked the switch and I was there. I was back there again. So what I'm going to do, because this episode is nearing 40 minutes, if you're still listening. Thank you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you, and if you're finding this really interesting, please reach out and let me know. Because, yeah, to me, this blew my mind, but I'm going to save this memory that come back to mind at the cinemas. I'm going to save this for the next episode, because a lot of the next therapy session it was very much about the movie theater, the movie cinemas.

Elliot: 39:39

This particular Saturday afternoon when I went to the movies, there was eight of us, four boys, four girls, and we were there because Elliot was trying to put the moves on who would eventually become his first girlfriend. But it was a very anxiety-provoking event and there's trauma associated and there's a little bit to unpack. But I'm telling you, if you find this sort of stuff interesting because this 15-year-old self is not the 16-year-old self. I always thought the 16-year-old, the loose cannon, sort of covered all my sort of high school years no, no, there's this 15-year-old self that is before all the getting ripped off and the trauma and all this has occurred and all the bullying and the peer pressure, and there's this innocent, innocent, beautiful, 15, 14 year old self that hasn't been, you know, hasn't been tarnished by the world just yet. And I still have my innocence at this point.

Elliot: 40:42

And again I got very emotional thinking about it because I feel so sorry for this part. And now I know that the 14, 15 year old self, the 16 year old self, grew as a response to what that 15, 14 year old self had to go through. And it's so sad, it's so sad. I think back. You know it's very much. It's a little bit like inner child sort of stuff. Like, you know, it's very much, it's a little bit like inner child sort of stuff. The inner child was also in this vision. But again, I'll save that for the next episode, the next episode dysregulated podcast. But the like I felt, the same sort of sadness that I feel for my inner child, that I did for this 14, 15 year old self, which I'm going to come up with a better name for it at some point. But at the moment that's how I know this part.

Elliot: 41:31

As you know, it's just sad because this poor, innocent, lovely boy, and that's all I was. I was just a boy, you know, I was being. Again, I don't want to go too much into it. But you know, I was sort of being guided into this world of girls and sex and and how important it was, and I, this poor boy, just wasn't ready. I just want to play with my trains and watch trains and and look at trucks and support the knights and and that's the thing. This, this part, is still a huge component I've now discovered and it all happened very quickly in this therapy session but this part is still a huge part of the self and I'm glad that it is, because that's a great part.

Elliot: 42:12

This 14, 15 year old self, like yep, look, he's a bit green, you know he has a bit of a clean skin didn't really know how the world operate. I was sort of getting battered from pillar to post but I still had my smile then Things was still smiling. I had hope I was a really nice young kid. I really was. Unfortunately, high school and some other factors that predisposed all of this that unfortunately created the perfect storm. I'm talking even things like genetics and stuff like biology, neurochemistry, as well as maybe my environment growing up and then definitely high school, was what really really hammered this home. But this poor kid, I'll tell you, he was just doing his best and, man, until I got twisted and chewed up and spat out, I was doing pretty good for a kid that had autism and ADHD and the beginnings of borderline personality.

Elliot: 43:11

I didn't realize at the time and it had manifested at 14, 15, but by 16, it certainly had. So the beginnings of BPD were starting to swell. I had no idea. I had no idea, I didn't even know at this point that, because I knew life was really hard and it seemed this is probably a story for another day, but I remember I used to think that life seemed to be people seem to be happier than I was Because I knew within myself I was sort of putting it on a bit, I was faking it a bit even back then and I didn't think that other people seem to be doing that.

Elliot: 43:45

And even as a 14, 15 year old I had no idea what mental health was, mental illness. We didn't have black dog presenters such as myself coming to school, you know, in year 10 and year nine, like I do now to the schools. And that's why I do it, because I do it for the poor kid that was like me, you know, and I want to sort of help the kids, you know, now at school and be like, look, I'm not going to have all the answers in my, you know, one hour presentation I do for the Institute, but maybe I'll start to get you thinking a bit about this sort of stuff, because it took me until I got the trauma to start thinking about it. And if we can get people thinking about before that, you know we can have some really resilient people that can push back against those things, those negatives of the world, before it gets too much. And then, you know, others have to intervene and you know, and that's a big part of what motivates me to do all this sort of stuff because, yeah, that poor 14, 15 year old self of me, he was a great kid, he was a lovely boy of me, he was a great kid, he was a lovely boy and you know I really tried hard to be a nice person, do the right things. And yeah, I don't know, it's just sad because that poor, poor kid unfortunately went through a bit of stuff and then, you know I, I had to it spawned all these sub parts which again were a direct response to this, this pathology, um, and and they've also done their best to try and keep me on the straight and narrow. But you know what chance did we have, as we'll find out, um, in more episodes of the podcast.

Elliot: 45:20

But this is a huge one. I know this is a big episode, I know. Thank you everybody for listening. I do appreciate it. But like this was huge man, like huge. The fact that that memory popped up right at the end is a big episode, I know. Thank you everybody for listening. I do appreciate it. But like this was huge man, like huge the fact that that memory popped up right at the end.

Elliot: 45:32

I said to my psychologist. I said, oh, look, this is going to be a big one for next time, because I didn't have an appointment book for the week after, because it's costing so much money. But I actually rang up and said, look, I want to really hit this while the iron's hot, you know, strike while the iron's hot, you know, hit this while it's really going, because I think this is one of those breakthrough moments. So get me another appointment next week if you can. Let's dive into it again. And that's exactly what we did on Monday Today being Wednesday, two days ago and that's what I'm going to talk about on the next part B of the therapy reflections of this series, of this particular episode. What are we up to? 10, 9, 10, I think it is. So part B is going to be a continuation on from this and it gets even deeper but it gets even better, it gets even more insightful.

Elliot: 46:22

But the main takeaways from this one was well. The main takeaways from this one was well. The main take was that memory that has now there's all these offshoots of memories from this particular memory and that's like right, there's a lot there that there's trauma in that that I didn't even think of, that's been just just burying itself in my psyche for years and years and years I forgot it was even there. But also the fact that I can now see clearly that the world is a bit too bright and years and years I forgot it was even there. But also the fact that I can now see clearly that the world is a bit too bright and it is too bright and what it's like when I'm in these hibernation modes. You know, down in the tunnel, in the damp tunnel, like I can feel it now. I can feel this further understanding and in true Elliot style, it's got to be a bit abstract, it's got to sort of not make sense. To make sense, um, and that's exactly what's happened here, um, with the tunnel and the top of the tunnel and the ladder being shiny itself, and then the world being shiny, but then also the.

Elliot: 47:20

The probably the biggest takeaway, though, was was that my sub parts, my inner parts, they're all at the top, they're all trying to, you know, get me out of the hole and get me into the world, and they're like look, elliot, we're going to protect you. We know it's bright, we've got a pair of sunglasses for you, walk with us, we'll look after you. That's essentially what they're saying, but the huge thing, or the other, the big thing, the biggest thing for me, though, the big thing, the biggest thing for me, though, was that my inner critic was one of those supporters. It was one of those really great supporters. It was the one that was in the middle, because it's been there the longest, it's been there the whole time. It's the chief of all my sub-parts, my inner parts, and although, man, he rides me like nothing else, I know that it's all out of the goodness, you could say, of my inner critic's heart.

Elliot: 48:07

My inner critic has one goal, and one goal only, and that is to protect me and to see me succeed, and it is doing the best job that it can. It just can be quite overwhelming at times. I just need to get to the point where my inner critic trusts me, the self, to say, look, hang on a second, just back down a little bit. Just trust me. Trust me the self to say, look, hang on a second, just back down a little bit. Just trust me, trust me on this. I think I've got this, you know, follow me. Where's all the other sub-parts? Where's all the other inner parts? Come on, inner critic, 14, 15-year-old self. I know you're in the loose can and the 16-year-old got a lot to talk about, but come on, follow me. I swear you know I've got the right way to do these things, and if I don't, I know you guys will jump in for me anyway. But just let me have a chance, let me have a go Bit of breathing space, you know. But yeah, but the fact that the inner critic is actually a positive influence on my life and not this huge negative that I have always associated it with, that was huge. That was huge, but it gets even bigger. The next therapy session I had and I'm so glad I had it so soon that I booked in the week later. Yeah, it's sending me broke, but man, this was big stuff. This was big stuff. So anyway, that'll do. That'll do for this episode. Thank you everybody once again for listening. I do appreciate it.

Elliot: 49:22

If you've enjoyed this episode or got any questions about internal family, you probably do have questions, potentially, if you're not aware of internal family systems therapy before, because I haven't probably done a great job of explaining it, and I'm going to do that. I will. I just need to find the time to really knuckle down and really drill into it, because I'm still learning. I'm still learning Every session I have with my therapist. I'm learning more and more about the therapy itself, how it can affect me. But then of course, I've got to try and think about okay, but how does this then affect other people and how can I explain it to other people? That's in a way that's understandable and digestible, and that's the hard part, and I haven't quite got that nailed down yet. But as soon as I do, I'm going to, I'll let you all know. There'll be an episode. I'll explain it all as clearly as I can and maybe this will be a bit clearer as well.

Elliot: 50:12

But, but I hope I did get across, though, that these, you know these inner parts, like they're real, let me tell you, they are real, definitely, and they pull a lot of the strings and they're only doing it to try and help me and protect me. But they just need a bit of trust when it comes to me, the self, being able to be the conductor. You know of the orchestra you could say, of all these different parts, but you know they've seen the self, me, make some mistakes along the way. They're like well, you know, elliot, you know this has happened in the past. We don't want that happening again. That was terrible. You know, like I don't know if we can trust you with this one.

Elliot: 50:51

But yeah, that's that's the argument that I've got to build from within to say that, no, no, you can trust me because we've done the work, we've all done the work together. You've, you've been there when I've done the work. You know the understanding of the world now that I have. Please, trust me. Trust me, please, and bring those sunglasses, because, my God, it is bright out here. It is so bright, which makes so much sense with the way that I live my life, because everything I try and do.

Elliot: 51:20

I try and do at night, and even now I'm doing a podcast episode now at quarter past 10 at night, because it's dark and I feel safe. I feel safe. The world has quietened down a bit, everyone's sort of at home going to bed. Finally I get some peace and it makes complete sense as to why I try and do everything at night because the world's too bright. And now I've seen it so clearly from my right brain. It just makes so much sense to me. It does, and I was like, yeah, I am in this tunnel when I'm hibernating and I don't want to crawl out because it is so bright, so let's just roll over it's damp in here. The walls are so close, I'm getting claustrophobic, but, man, it still feels safer than being out there.

Elliot: 52:01

But that's what my inner parts are doing. They're trying to convince me of the fact that, no, no, we can do this. And this is what I need to believe within myself as well. No, no, we can do this. It's bright, but here's the sunnies. Put some sunnies on. We've got this, we can do this. All right, that'll do. Thank you everybody.

Elliot: 52:18

I can't wait to bring the part two because if you enjoyed hearing this sort of insight into my therapy. The next one is just as interesting, I think, and a lot of great improvements are going to be made, I think, from these two. It won't be straight away, but I think give it time, I'll look back and go. Yeah, these two therapy sessions were pivotal, no question about that. So yeah, but if you've got any questions about internal family systems therapy, please feel free to let me know on Instagram at elliotttwaters, if you've got some.

Elliot: 52:53

I don't know if maybe you've gone through something similar yourself. You know, because a lot of you listening probably have done or are doing internal family systems therapy or schema therapy. Maybe there's parts involved in that too. You too. A few different things, not just IFS that do this, but IFS does it the best, I think, or at least for me. But maybe you've got your own 16-year-old loose cannons or workaholics that are just making your work to the bone because that's the only way it knows how to protect you. Maybe you've got similar parts or different parts as well, but they're doing the same sort of thing. Feel free to let me know.

Elliot: 53:26

I'd love to hear it because, you know, at times I still feel alone on this journey as well, and I still think, man, no one, no one's going, no one's doing what I'm doing. Who on earth is going on about, you know, workaholics and cognitive overthinkers? Like that's crazy talk, man, that's crazy. But I don't think it's as crazy as I first thought. I actually think it makes a lot of sense and it's actually very sensible to have these parts, and if you've got these sub parts, you're very, very lucky. So, but anyway, until next time.

Elliot: 53:57

Thank you for listening everybody. If you're enjoying the show, feel free to like, subscribe, give the show a great rating, and you can share it around with your mates, please do. If you think you know someone who might get some sort of benefit out of this, please pass the show on. That would be great and they can have a bit of a listen. They can reach out to me as well on Instagram or whatever, and we'll come up with something that way as well. So please, yes, please, share it around if you could. But until next time. Thank you for listening to the Dysregulated podcast and I can't wait to bring you part B of my therapy reflection. I'll see you soon. Bye-bye.