Hello everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to The Dysregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in.

Today’s episode is an update on my mental health journey—one that continues to challenge me deeply. It’s been a while between episodes, largely due to anxiety that’s reached debilitating levels. And if I’m being honest, that alone reinforces why I’m pushing to taper off the long list of psychiatric medications I’ve been on for years.

Currently, I’m taking seven or eight different medications. And yet, recording an episode of my own podcast—a solo one at that—still fills me with fear. That tells me something isn’t working. It shouldn't be this hard. After so many episodes, it should feel easier. But it doesn't.

I’ve recently gone without dexamphetamine for a few days, and it hit me hard. It gave me a glimpse of the hell that’s likely ahead if I follow through with withdrawing from all my medications. Still, I’m as committed to the process as ever. I just need a psychiatrist willing to help me do it safely.

In the last episode, I talked about getting my GP’s referral sorted. I also brought a printout created with ChatGPT summarising my medication list, diagnoses, and the current situation—because I’m tired of retelling my story to every new mental health professional. Armed with those documents, I went to the Mater Hospital. They initially questioned why I was there since I wasn’t currently suicidal or in acute crisis. But after reviewing everything, they agreed to send my referral to the Intermediate Stay Mental Health Unit (ISMHU), which I’ve stayed at twice before.

That was a few days ago, and I haven’t heard anything back yet—though it’s been the Easter period, so delays are understandable. Still, I’m stuck in a limbo that’s becoming harder to manage. Making phone calls is one of my greatest challenges right now due to anxiety, and yet so much hinges on me doing just that. I'm hoping they'll contact me soon so I don’t have to make that call.

I’m worried the six-week model of ISMHU stays won’t be long enough for the complex tapering process I need. It might require ten or twelve weeks, maybe more. And if that’s not possible, the next step might be somewhere like Bloomfield at Orange—an extended-stay facility I haven’t been to yet. That could give me the time and structure needed not just to taper, but to evaluate what medication, if any, might be helpful moving forward.

Realistically, I don’t think I’ll be med-free forever. But I don’t believe I need seven medications either. Maybe one or two—perhaps an antidepressant and a mood stabiliser. But that’s a decision I’m ready to hand over to the doctors. I’m willing to follow their lead and give up the driver’s seat.

The scary part is knowing how hard the withdrawal process will be. Those few days without dexamphetamine were brutal—I couldn’t get out of bed. That’s why I know I can’t do this in the community. I can’t do this at Mum and Dad’s house, in my childhood room. It’s too triggering, too full of reminders of failure. Hospitalisation is the only way I can do this safely.

So now, I wait. Hopefully someone from ISMHU or another service gets in touch. I need a framework, a plan. I need support. The anxiety isn’t getting better—it’s getting worse. Even the idea of attending a Newcastle Knights game almost became too much recently. And when the Knights stop being my antidepressant, that’s a sign something is seriously wrong.

This is all incredibly hard. But I’m still in the fight. Still punching. Still here. I’ll keep you posted as soon as I hear anything about my referral.

And yes—I know I promised a DBT Skills episode on Opposite Action. It’s all written and ready. I just need to get myself into the headspace to record it. Hopefully that won’t be too far off.

Thanks again for listening. If you’re enjoying the show, please rate it five stars and share it around. I genuinely believe this is one of the deepest, most honest podcasts out there on lived experience.

Until next time—take care, and go the Knights!