Hello everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to The Dysregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. So today's episode—I haven't done one of these for a while—we're going to take a look at some of my journal entries and explore how I was feeling during some of my most acute and difficult times.

Journaling is something I haven't done as consistently as I should, but it's an important part of my recovery regimen. Journaling helps create cognitive distance from negative thoughts, allowing you to acknowledge and process these feelings externally rather than internally, which can be very therapeutic. While I don't journal as often as I'd like, this podcast serves as a form of journaling for me as well.

Today, I'm sharing a recent journal entry I wrote yesterday, and I must warn you, it’s tough reading. My journal entries typically capture my state of mind during challenging times, so they're often quite negative. Still, I believe there's value in sharing these raw reflections.

Here's the entry from yesterday:

"The pressure keeps on building. Time has slowed down. Minutes feel like hours when you're under the cloud of depression and hiding from anxiety. It twists your perception. BPD does much the same, but this is not a BPD event causing issues. This is my inability to launch again, my inability to move forward, achieve things, and feel comfortable and content that the plan is working. But what plan? There is no plan, because for there to be a plan, there needs to be some sort of outcome—and that outcome is the dream, the realization of one's needs, wants, and desires. But when you are so beaten down by mental ill-health, this dream is warped or replaced with one's nightmare.

Make no mistake, I am headed in the wrong direction—that is if I can move at all. My anxiety is so pervasive, chronic, and overpowering that it renders me useless. I still can't outrun that word, potential. But now I don't hear it so often because I'm missing my chance at utilizing this potential. I'm getting too old, too fatigued, bitter, and jaded. My potential is being snuffed out. The pressure to somehow harness a value-adding way of living is overwhelming. I'm crumbling, not just under the weight of expectation, but under the fundamentals of life. Thirty-four, with no home, no partner, no kids, no career, and even friends are falling by the wayside. The void I've always felt is now becoming tangible.

There are glaring errors in the way I live life, missing pieces—and being insightful enough to understand this just adds more pressure. I desperately need some wins on the board. How long have I been saying that for? Good point, Elliot. Because I cannot sustain this life I'm leading right now, nor do I really want to. The big questions remain as always: How do I turn this around? How do I finally crack the code and build a life worth living? And if I can't, how does this all end?

Everything in this world scares me. I am petrified of living, and this anxiety renders me incapable."

So that's what I wrote yesterday—not exactly uplifting. Reading it aloud today feels heavy, and it's difficult to accept that these words came from me. However, one positive is that I'm feeling more empathy and compassion towards myself compared to how I would've felt a few years ago. This growth is crucial because I genuinely like myself now, and I believe I add value to the world. The challenge remains figuring out how to move forward, achieve stability, and enjoy the successes many others seem to experience more naturally.

I won't dwell further on the negatives today. Instead, I'm shifting focus to something positive: I'm heading to Sydney to watch the Newcastle Knights take on the Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs at Sydney Olympic Park. Hopefully, the Knights can secure a win and lift my spirits—there's no better antidepressant than a Knights victory!

Thank you again for listening to this raw and personal episode. As always, your support means so much. If you're enjoying the show, please consider rating me five stars and sharing the podcast with others. I genuinely believe there's no other podcast quite like this, delving as deeply into lived experiences.

Until next time, take care, and go the Knights!