G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to The Dysregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in.

It’s been a little while since the last episode—and that’s because things have been pretty challenging lately. But today, I’m pushing through, refusing to let my inner critic derail me yet again. That critic has been loud, insistent, and exhausting. But today, I'm not listening.

So here’s a bit of a rundown: I went on a road trip from Newcastle to the Gold Coast—a supposed holiday. But instead of relaxation, it was one of the most stressful few days I’ve had in a long time. For many people, holidays are a chance to unwind. For me, they bring a storm of anxiety. From planning accommodation to preparing the car, the lead-up was riddled with panic.

Of course, the trip was anchored by a Newcastle Knights game—my boys taking on the Gold Coast Titans. I’ve been to every game this year, across New South Wales and Queensland, and I wasn’t going to miss this one. Unfortunately, the Knights played as flat as I felt. They were beaten convincingly, and in the stands I half-jokingly yelled that they owed me petrol money.

On the way to the Gold Coast, I took a detour through Nimbin. For those who know, it’s a town famous for its alternative culture and easy access to CBD oil. I picked up some high-quality oil in the hope it might ease the relentless anxiety. It helped—a little. Not a magic fix, but enough to move the needle. Unfortunately, it cost $130 a vial and I’ve already run out.

I spoke to my doctor about it today, hoping to get a prescription and perhaps a better price through the PBS. No luck there, unfortunately. But the small improvement the CBD oil provided matters, especially when everything else feels like it’s failing. Alongside Kava, which also helps slightly, I’m turning to these novel interventions because nothing else has worked well enough.

When I got back from the trip, I crashed. I spent three days in bed. Sweats, overthinking, hopelessness—classic signs of another depressive wave rolling in. This always seems to follow prolonged anxiety and freeze mode. I can’t move, can’t function, and then I spiral. I start to wonder if I’ll ever build a life worth living, one that isn’t ruled by fear.

That fear is constant. And that’s part of what frustrates me. I’m on seven medications, and yet I’m still petrified of life itself. The fact I can’t enjoy a road trip—my ideal scenario of driving, music, and footy—without imagining getting wiped out by a truck tells you how deep this runs.

Even on the highway, blasting AC/DC and Oasis, I was flooded with intrusive thoughts and obsessive loops about death. That’s the OCD component feeding my death anxiety. It’s keeping me up at night. It's something I need to address more fully in future episodes.

This whole experience—the failed relief of the trip, the debilitating anxiety, the crash into depression afterward—has convinced me more than ever that my medication regimen needs a serious overhaul. Seven meds with minimal relief and mounting side effects just isn’t cutting it.

And yet, I don’t know what the answer is. Benzodiazepines would work—but they’re not an option. I’ve been through benzo withdrawals before. It was like living in hell. No matter how tempting it is to reach for that quick fix, the cost is too high.

I need to find a way to dial down the amygdala, to calm the fear centers in my brain. But right now, I still don’t know how.

The weather hasn’t helped either. Newcastle’s been grey and dreary—my mood matching the sky. But today the sun is shining, and I managed to leave work early to see my doctor. That, plus some sunshine, has lifted me just a little.

This episode might sound like a ramble, but that’s because my mental health is complex—multifaceted. I’ve mostly talked about Generalized Anxiety Disorder today, but as longtime listeners know, there’s much more to the story.

Despite all this, I’m glad I recorded this episode. I’m proud of that. And I’m off now to put up more posters for the podcast around Newcastle. No telegraph pole is safe!

I’ve also got new content coming: the DBT Skills series is resuming, with an upcoming episode on Opposite Action. And I’ve been thinking about launching Q&A Fridays—where you can send in questions and I’ll answer them on the pod.

Thanks again for listening. If you're enjoying the show, please give it a great rating on your platform of choice. It really helps. And follow me on Instagram at @elliott.t.waters—feel free to message me (I swear I’ll reply eventually).

Until next time—take care, and go the Knights!