G'day everybody, my name is Elliot Waters and you're listening to the Dysregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. So today's episode is a little bit different than the rest because usually, and I've said this on the show quite a few times, usually when I'm producing a lot of podcast episodes, it's because my mood's tracking pretty well, which it has been lately, which is great. Today, though, is a whole different story. Today has been a terrible day and I can't really, I don't know, I hope I can get this episode out because I think it offers some great insight into what it feels like when you've got these mental illnesses doing their thing. Because I want this podcast to be the most genuine, honest, fair dinkum, vulnerable podcast on all the internet. And for that to be the case, I need to be showing you guys, lifting the lid when things are not going pretty good. And that's what we're at today. Now, first thing I want to say though is do not be concerned. So I say that because there is no reason to be concerned. This episode, this depressive episode is within, well, not comfortable parameters, but recognize parameters and it's within my boundaries. So what I mean by that is essentially, I know what triggered today and it's simple. What it is, is lack of sleep. So it's It's a very sort of fundamental sort of phenomena, sleeping as we know. Come on Ellie, get the words out. So I know where this has come from. And the ones that are really scary when I've ended up in hospital are the depressing episodes where I don't know where it comes from. I don't know what the triggers are and all of a sudden we just get flooded with this negative emotion. But make no mistake, today I have been flooded with negative emotion all day. And I've been trying to record this episode since 8am this morning it's now quarter past six um and this is the thing see my my memory's so bad when i'm well my memory's really bad at the moment in general but see i can't quite remember if i've already mentioned that i've been trying to do this episode since eight this morning or if this is the first time i've mentioned it it's a bit hard to keep track of it because i've been doing so much talking trying to get this episode out since this morning um it all blends into one so i have no idea what i've said and what i need to say and if i've missed anything and And I don't know, it'd be a miracle if this episode comes out. So if you're listening to my voice right now, let me tell you, I have had one of the great victories over my inner critic. Because that's the thing, you know, even when things are going great guns, you know, my inner critic is still there doing its thing, telling me I'm rubbish, you know, and what I'm saying is rubbish and no one cares. And, you know, what's the point? But as I'm sure you could, you know, appreciate when I'm in these depressing moments, episodes and moods, low mood states, the inner critic is much more powerful because we're playing on its turf and it's got all the energy in the world and all the fuel that it needs. And that's why I never can usually, and who knows if this episode will be published, but this is why I don't have the ability to publish episodes when I am in a low mood usually. It's because the inner critic is just too bloody strong. But today I've been very determined. I'll Obviously, I've been trying to get this out since 8 o'clock this morning, and it's now quarter past 6. Obviously, that shows there's a bit of determination there. I think it also shows a bit of some autistic and ADHD traits as well. But anyway, whatever, you know, we'll just work with what we've got. So, yeah, so if I repeat myself, I do apologize because my memory is not good. It hasn't been good for a while now, and it certainly isn't good today because the thing is the negative emotion, you know, you're disassociated a bit. You're not anchored to the moment. So my attention is not focused at all. So it's very hard for me to remember things short term because my executive functioning is so poor and my cognitive functioning is as well. So not only is my memory not very good, I'm slurring words a little bit, which I don't know if you can notice, but I am stumbling across my words a little bit as well because everything's slowing down. Physically, all day I've been pacing around the house, just walking slow, shuffling along shoulders have been rounded you know rounded around and um um you know I've been sort of crouched over and and a few other things I'll mention in a minute when it's been particularly intense but overall you know I've sort of you know I've gone a bit quiet you know I haven't spoken to anyone else really it's just the only time I've been speaking and trying to do this episode um you know I haven't been sociable at all and haven't wanted to you know really sort of going within and and sort of um I don't know bunkering this and just trying to ride out this storm because it is a storm. And it's all I can really do is ride it out because it came on too strong and too quickly. And I set myself up to fail here, as I'll say in a minute. But unfortunately, this episode, as I said, came on too quickly and it was too intense and it was too late once I figured out we're in a bad mood this morning. It was too late. That's the thing, you know, often I wait wake up and I'm like, all right, how do we feel today? I don't actually know. But this morning I woke up and I knew it wasn't good. And I'll tell you why, because I'd slept about two hours. I reckon I had about two hours sleep. That's it. Because I was super anxious about an appointment that I was having this morning at the, I remember that Ijmu place, the psychiatric ward that I'm meant to be going to soon. I've been super anxious about that because I'm worried they're not going to accept me. And then I really feel like I'm in big trouble then. So I've been stressing, catastrophizing about that. And then what happened was this morning, because I was so nervous and I wanted to make sure it was still happening, everything was right, I rung the hospital and asked if my appointment was still on for 10 a.m. And they said, no, you were meant to be here a week ago. So I got the day right, but I got the date wrong. And that sort of spiraled me because I'm like, hang on, what else are we missing at the moment? What else details have we forgotten? And that was a bit of a worry and a You know, it's just a recipe for disaster. And there was no chance I was going to be able to put the brakes on this storm. So what I've just had to do is bunker down. I've got to ride it out. Like I said, I think at the start, this isn't something to be, you know, scared of or worried in a more broader sense. Like, yes, the negative emotions killing me, as I'll explain in detail shortly, but there's no potential for this to get out of hand, you know. So we've just got to white knuckle it, hold on, ride it out, and just hope we wake up tomorrow feeling a bit better so obviously a big part of this is I need to get some good sleep tonight what I'm a bit concerned about is that I'm going into early starts this week so staying tomorrow 5am shifts so I really need to get some sleep soon and hope that tomorrow we wake up feeling a little bit better because 5am starts are pretty brutal at the best of times but let me tell you when you're in a depressive episode or any of these mental illnesses are playing up you know being up so early just fuels the fire and so yeah that's the bit i'm a little bit concerned about is that how this week might go but as for this episode this storm in particular right now there's nothing to be worried about it's within within you know comfortable parameters it's just so it's just hard so it's hard because it hurts like so it feels like someone's kicking me in the guts you know i've been bent over you know often today sort of trying to of breathe in the big ones and you know just just trying to you know you know just sort of center myself and and it's hard as it is like waves that washes over you know and so the best way i can describe it is now i'm going to probably get this wrong because typical male don't know these sorts of things where maybe i should as a 33 year old but correct me if i'm wrong with with pregnancy you know people get the contractions right and and i think this is what happens You have the first one, there's a big gap to the second one, and there's a slightly less gap to the third one. And as you go along, the gap between the contractions gets less and less. Is that right, ladies? Am I sort of on the mark? That is what the waves have been like today for me. So this morning, you know, there was a pretty big one, big sort of, you know, there was the realization that I'd sort of been so disorganized and screwed everything up. So that was, you know, boom, there's a big wave of negativity. right there, which isn't fun. But then all day, it's just come flooding in, flooding in, flooding in. And I'm telling you right now, as I'm trying to do this episode, which I've been trying to do all day, I reckon every 30 seconds, and here's another one now, I reckon every 30 seconds, these waves are coming. I'm telling you, it's waves. It feels like it's washing over me and it's not good. But like I said, part of it feels like being kicked in the guts and other part is really tight in the chest. That's probably a bit of an anxious response. That's also, you know, that's, I'm getting, not speaking in a linear way, but I hope this makes sense. See, as we probably are aware now, if you've listened to a few of my episodes, anxiety is a huge part of me. Unfortunately, it is a huge part. It is there with me every day. Every day, anxiety manifests itself and I've got to battle it and try and push it back into the corner so I can proceed with my day. That is every single day. And I'm not saying that for effect. you know, added effect. It's the truth every day. Now, the depression sort of component isn't an everyday thing. That's why today's different because there is this depressive component that's fueled mostly, yeah, the appointment thing was a bit annoying. It's the lack of sleep though that's really causing it, I think. Like, you know, two hours sleep, whatever it was, is a recipe for disaster for anybody and all I needed. So I have a feeling and I really got to sort of hammer into on this, that I have cycles. And it makes sense. Bipolar disorder is one of my conditions and borderline personality and ADHD, autism. There's a lot of emotional dysregulation, this sort of negative cycle. And I guess some weeks we're in a better cycle than others and others we're not. Now, the thing is, If I'm spiraling into the cycle where things aren't as good, you know, if I'm doing all the right things and the fundamentals are all in place, like diet, sleep, you know, I'm enjoying work and, you know, financially I'm sort of secure, you know, we can ride out the more negative cycle and sort of negate it completely. The problem is, though, you get the perfect storm where, you know, I cycle into this, say, a negative week, which I've probably cycled into now. I've got a funny feeling. But then add on top of that the lack of sleep, that is the recipe for a disaster right there. And that's what happened. And the missing the appointment thing, getting that wrong was sort of like the match that started it all off. And then there was plenty of fuel and there's still plenty of fuel now. So I'll go back to the contractions metaphor, which I'm probably getting completely wrong, but that's what it's been like. So these waves have gotten closer and closer and closer together. And now it's happening like every 30 seconds. I'm talking to you now and I'm sort of going through it at the moment. So I'll go back to the symptoms of what it feels like. So it feels like someone's kicking in the guts, you know, and I have grabbed my stomach a few times today and sort of been bent over and trying, you know, my haunches and trying to, you know, sort of get a bit of balance back. Everything slows down. So cognitively, I'm very slow. I hope I'm not slurring my words too much in this recording, but I definitely can pick up on the fact that I am slower in my speech and my memory is terrible. We're I think I've already said that. My short-term memory is not very good. So everything's slowed. My movements have slowed as well. I'm sort of shuffling around a bit and my shoulders are rounded. I'm just slow, slower than normal. And yeah, it's hard. And I also get this weird feeling in my head. So I get sort of two feelings. If the trigger is something like from my past that I'm ruminating on, say like a past breakup or when somebody maybe betrayed my trust and I didn't see that coming and that makes me question if you can trust people at all. We've all sort of been through something similar to that. Unfortunately, I have too. And I just go back to those instances and those really burn my brain. Like it feels like my brain is on fire. I'm telling you, it feels like my brain is on fire. And my chest is super tight and contracted. My lungs feel like they're burning, feels like I'm being kicked in the guts. And we sort of just bunker down and really go within. But if it's sort of this depressive episode being fueled not by any specific sort of memories or triggers like that, what I feel in my head is just great pressure, like it's really full, like my prefrontal cortex, the front of the brain where personality and executive functioning, all these cognitive functions is slowing down. I think it's all related. When there's no specific trigger, it just feels like there's so much pressure in my forehead. It's just heavy, this heavy weight. And I feel it in the pit of my stomach as well. I'm not going to go through it in this episode because I do not have the capacity to explain this, but you can feel different emotions in different parts of the body. And with a really good psychologist, they can bring this out with you. So for me, for example, regret, like about past relationships, regret, that sits in the pit of my stomach. So if this episode, say, was to do with something like that in the past, a lot of my physical stuff would be centered around the pit of my stomach. Whereas if it's something that's not regretful, it's something I'm angry about, then it's It's like my brain's on fire. And if it's just this general melancholic sort of feeling, that's when I get, I guess, this heavy feeling in my forehead. So it's weird. The different shades of these sorts of negative episodes, they feel different. But at the same time, they're all the same because they feel terrible and it just makes you sad and it hurts a lot. So today's is... You know, this is more of a fundamental issue that I got wrong, which was the sleep problem. So, you know, of all the episodes that have the different types, say, if I was to categorize them, this one is one of the better ones because it's like, yeah, duh, I should have slept more. It's easy fix. You know, have an early night and we'll be right. So these, you know, these particular episodes don't scare me. It's just we've got to hold on and wait for it and write it down. it out and and that's just hard because it hurts um mentally you know physically emotionally there's there's pain there's a lot of pain so even though this is one of the better ones we're still experiencing that that full array of negative emotion and and like i said it's like waves washing over it feels like waves are washing over me but they're not the good type like the beautiful beaches here in newcastle um this is not the good type at all this this is this is not fun and and and as I was talking to you, I think I said this before, but I'll say it again because it's sort of important. Um, you know, every 30 seconds, roughly I'm, I'm having a wave wash over and I'm getting this real heavy feeling in my forehead. And I feel like when it washes over, it's when I stumble on words a bit more as well, which makes sense because, you know, I'm floating in this ocean of negative emotion. Um, Ooh, that sounded pretty good. The notion of negative emotion. Um, but I'm not anchored to anything. So I'm just floating around. Um, And that is true, not just metaphorically, it's true in the real world too, because I am disassociating. So I'm not concentrating on the moment really. My attention is floating around because the negative emotions causing us to sort of skip around and try and nullify it any way we can. So we're sort of running away from the feeling, but we're in the ocean of negative emotions. So it's a It's hard. So we're disassociating. We're floating around. But we've just got to ride it out. So it is the perfect storm. Anxiety and depression are working together to make things really, really difficult for me. See, just right then, I just got a really, really big wave just then. Right then. See, I don't know what I've said in this episode. Well, I was going to ask a question. Obviously, you guys can't really answer. I don't know if I mentioned, I probably did, that this whole episode kicked off at 8 o'clock this morning when I woke up. And I've been trying to get this episode out since 8 o'clock this morning. It's now 6.30. So there's definitely some autism and some ADHD hyperfocus here at play, definitely. But I just got a massive wave then, which is what has been happening. I've been getting these waves of negative emotion while I've been doing these podcast episodes, and I've been pressing stop and then deleting them. And this has been going on all day and I'm really pushing hard now to keep this going because my inner critic has been like, look, you're stumbling on words, you're repeating yourself. Everyone's going to think you're crazy and insane when I'm not. I'm actually very aware of what's going on. I'm not any of those things at all. But that's what my inner critic's telling me, you know, that this is dangerous stuff and it's dangerous territory and everyone's going to judge you and all this stuff. So it's very difficult. And I get these massive waves. And then what I have been doing all day is pressing pause and then deleting. Like I'm looking at my phone now. I'm doing it on my phone because I can't do it in my microphone. I'm outside in my car. I don't know if I mentioned that. It's raining. It's quite fitting, really. But I've just seen that I've been talking for 19 minutes. And I really hope I've covered everything in that time. But yeah, it hurts. This is what mental illness is like. Sometimes, you know, you have your good days and you have some really bad days. And this is a really tough one. But thankfully, we know where this is coming from and I know the mistakes that have been made and we can rectify that. So it's not too bad. It's all right. We'll get back on the horse. So anyway, that's enough for me. I'm going to go back inside and get some dinner. I can't believe this might actually be published. So yeah, I don't know. You're getting firsthand experience of what I sometimes have to go through. And I'm going to keep talking just a little bit more, maybe one or two minutes more. I am stumbling over words and being slower cognitively because I'm sleep deprived too. So not all of this is because of depression. A lot of this is because I just haven't slept enough. And this is what happens with everybody. You don't sleep enough. You've had two hours sleep. You have a terrible day. It's very hard to concentrate. That's not mental illness. That is you need to get some sleep. And so that's a big part of what's happening here today as well. There's a big component of this that isn't mental illness. It's Elliot needs to sleep more because that's a fundamental of being healthy in general. So yeah, so I just want to make that point clear. This recording may come off very clunky, I have a feeling. I am probably repeating things over and over again. Hopefully, at least I've got the detail out that I wanted to, to try and let you in on some insight on what it feels like. But this is definitely an episode that's been driven by anxiety as always, because it's always there. But also these depressing thoughts that don't really have a specific trigger. It's just this general wave that just floods over and over and over. And like I said, it gets very physical. My stomach, kicked in the stomach, it hurts. Now my brain has got all this tension, this heavy feeling and different emotions I'm feeling in different parts of my body. But like I said, I know I've definitely said this probably at least twice, there's no reason to be concerned because I know how to fix it. Get some sleep, get some early sleep tonight. And We know what caused it, so it's fine. We just got to do the right thing, which is be healthy and do what everyone tries to do. Try and get eight hours, and then tomorrow will be better. So there's no reason to be concerned. Just got to ride it out. This is what happens. This is mental illness. I didn't choose to wake up today and be in this painful mood, but this is what happens. And this is why I need to go to hospital and see what these nine medications are doing, because I don't know, should I be having day like this anymore if I'm on non-medications? I don't know. Maybe not. Am I slurring words and a bit slow mentally because of some of these medications and their side effects? Don't know. Maybe we need to sort of investigate that as well. And then they're parts of my history that I haven't attended to properly, which I definitely know there is. Why haven't we done that? We need to be doing that. Another reason why I need to get in a hospital and talk to the clinical psychologists there as well. So As I say, I'm not concerned about anything because assuming everything goes to plan, I will be going on to the ward soon and then we can work out all this sort of stuff and then hopefully these sorts of episodes won't happen anymore. But yeah, this used to be an everyday thing. It's not an everyday thing anymore. This is once in a blue moon now, which is great. And back in the day, there used to be specific triggers and it would just fire me up and it would just... dig me from the inside out. It just would dig in, dig in, and just rip me apart. Whereas that's not what today is. Today is definitely a down, flat, sort of melancholic mood, but it doesn't have that intensity. But at the same time, I don't want to trivialize it because as I've said, as I'm talking, I'm feeling this kick in the guts and the chest getting tight and this inner critic that's just in my ear just giving me hell. I don't want to trivialize this at all this hurts and it's not fun but yeah it's not one of the real bad ones let me tell you because that's all we're done we've gone to the emergency department that's what that's what preceded going to the ed um were these episodes that had specific triggers and it wasn't just depression anxiety bpd usually well was always involved is always involved um when i go to the ed um you know bipolar's doing a thing i've swung into a negative mood state for you know an extended period um you know yeah all this stuff it Autism's flared up. Today's more of a simple... It is. It's a very simple sort of two-dimensional sort of phenomena. And it is because I didn't get the fundamentals right. I didn't have enough sleep. So it's a very simple one to fix. Get some sleep. Have an early night tonight. Try not to dwell too much. Try and keep myself busy. But go to bed early. And tomorrow should be much better. Because it's not that we're going into some emotional spiral. It's just that we need some sleep. So anyway, I think I've been repeating myself over and over again, but I'll tell you this right now. There is no podcast on the internet that goes as deep and is as genuine, honest, and fair dinkum as this one. Like seriously, doing this episode, I'm telling you, it is brutal. It is killing me. It is brutal. But it is so important that I do it because if I want to have a podcast that is insightful and has some real value and utility in this, you know, by offering my experiences and insights to, you know, maybe you can resonate with my story or whatever. But, you know, the real goal of this podcast, besides being my journal, is to really pull back the curtains on mental illness and be like, look, this is what it is, you know. We haven't spoken about it much over the years, but this is what it's like. This is what people go through. Real people go through this every day. So that's why I'm, although this episode, like I said, is brutal, has been brutal and it's probably been brutal for you to listen to as well and I apologize as another wave goes over and we're getting a bit short of breath I need to be doing these episodes in these moments because these are the moments which is where mental illness takes center stage and this is what I need to convey to people so they can understand if they're going through something similar you know it's not all rainbows you know I don't want to be doing a mental health podcast where you know like I going to deep stuff don't get me wrong but you know usually i'm doing it i'm trying to do it in a bit of a jovial mood but today you know this is this is this is fair dinkum this is real life and i don't think there's anywhere on the internet that'll give you any more than this like seriously so anyway i'm gonna stop now because i just keep talking and talking so thank everybody for listening i'll see you next time here on the dis regulated podcast