G'day everybody. My name is Elliot Waters, and you're listening to the Disregulated Podcast. As always, thank you for tuning in. Alright, a bit of context. It is 2.30 in the morning, 2.30 a.m. And I've finally got off the Pacific Motorway, the M1, coming home from Aubrey Wadonga. So the New South Wales Victoria border, all the way to Newcastle. I've been driving for, I don't know, eight and a half hours, nine hours or something. Um and I am finally almost home, but I'm telling you, I'm having a panic attack. I've done one of these episodes for a while where I take is literally into a panic attack with me. Um, but I'm having one right now, and you guys are going to accompany me on the rest of my journey from the Pacific Motorway to Admirstown Heights, Katara. Um, because I'm freaking out and I've got to talk to someone, and uh, well, I don't know, I guess uh this is as close as I'm gonna get because everyone else quite rightly is asleep, except for me and the truckies, which is um, you know, that's quite fitting considering that's where I've been today, which is down at uh down at Aubrey Wadonga, uh, starting my next chapter in the transport industry. Now, things have been going alright today. Things, you know. Um, I'm not gonna talk about how it was uh today uh where I was in, you know, when I was trucking around and all that sort of stuff. I will talk about that soon enough, but I want to talk about more what's happening right here, right now, but I want to give you the context. Um, so yeah, so I've been down there and I uh I admit that I thought I was only going in for a quick sort of, you know, half-hour, 45-minute little meeting. This is what we do, this is how it is. In the end, I sort of stayed there and um uh I was there like basically did a full shift. Not that I was, you know, like I was there watching and and sitting in the passenger seat while I was um, you know, with uh with one of the drivers, um, which was really good. And you know, I got out and strapped some loads down and you know, I was like, oh yeah, the transport industry, trucking, you know, this is what I've been away from. Um, you know, it's good to be back, you know. Like, can I do um any tie-downs like ratchet straps? Barely. It's like I've never done it before in my life, so it's like, all right, I've I've I'm a bit rusty, that's all good, but that's not why I'm having the panic attack. No, no, that's not why I'm having the panic attack. So that was alright. So it was it was it was a pretty hard day in the end, and then I left a lot later than I was planning on. Uh, like I'm talking hours and out like seven hours later than I was planning on, uh, which is fine, you know, it's okay, because you know, it was a good experience, you know, to go around and and see, you know, a bit of how their operation operates and uh have a good chat to the driver, and you know, and I'll actually learn a little bit already about trucking and I'll learn a bit about mental health and transport as well, and that's the aim of the game. Uh, very quickly, you a lot of people have been asking me, like, Elliot, what's going on? Like, you know, I see on social media with the new dysregulated daily videos, by the way, everyone please watch it on Instagram and YouTube. Um, you know, on one hand you're doing all your mental health stuff, and then on the other hand, you're talking about doing all this truck and transport stuff. What's going on? Um, so yes, I am trying to combine both, and I will talk uh down the track when I've got a bit more, I don't know, a bit more intellect to talk about it. Um I will explain properly this blueprint of what I'm trying to achieve. Essentially, I'm trying to, I guess, fuse or galvanize or marry up my two passions, or you could say autistic fixations, which is, well, I've got a few of them, but two of the major ones, especially when it comes to career, uh, is mental health and psychology, as we know, obviously. Um, but also, as you would probably know, I'm sure I've mentioned on here before plenty of times, um, the uh transport industry as well. So I am wanting to try and get those two worlds to come together, and I'm trying to do it in a way that I don't think anyone's ever done before. And I don't think anyone can but me. But when I'm feeling a little bit more confident about the world and about life, because that has completely fallen out within the last probably hour and a half, um, I'll uh I'll explain in uh more detail with a bit more uh optimism, which I've had, I've been very optimistic. But then as I said, the the arsen's sort of fallen out of everything uh tonight, and um I just need to get home. I need to get to sleep. It's two things it's just gone 2.30 now. So the re alright, so let me try and explain. Alright, so very quickly, because I'm almost home, so this is good. Is it doing great, guys? Thank you. You've taken my mind off things. Maybe I fell asleep for a bit there. No, no, definitely not. If I was like that, I would have pulled over. Fatigue management, come on. Um, but so like I said, I was at Orbury Redonga and I left a bit later than I thought, okay. So I was thundering up the Hume Highway, the M31, um, you know, making really quick time, and I've got to thank uh the uh the app Waze. So I'm sure most people know Waze is the one that tells you about all the sort of things that are out on the highway or on your road to where you're going and why, you know, things like you know, highway patrol, um, you know, like potholes and and accidents and all that sort of stuff. So anyway, so I'm thundering up the uh Hume Highway, making good time. Um, thank you, Waze. And things were going good, you know. Really good. And I was like, yeah, this is good, you know, I'm gonna get home hell of a lot later than I thought I would, but you know, because I've got to be up tomorrow, as I'll say in a minute, um, which is why I'm freaking out a bit. Um, but you know, I was like, that's alright. It's been a big day, I've achieved a lot, and you know, like we're you know, this this is a this is a big one. Um, holy duly, someone's just running across the road here just randomly. Oh man. It's uh yeah, it's 2.30 in the morning, so I guess that's sort of where where'd they go? There. Ha ha. Anyway, you guys have got no idea what's going on. This isn't a dysregulated daily video. This is audio, so I need to stay on on focus. But anyway, someone just ran across excuse me, ran across um uh where am I, Walsend Road, and that was a bit, yeah, funny. Anyway, anyway, moving on, geez, because I'm almost home. Um, so anyway, so I'm thundering up the Hume Highway, making good time, like I said, because I'm a truckie and I'm a professional driver who now has his multi-combination B double license. Uh, and then all of a sudden I hit Sydney. I'm like, oh, here we go, Sydney, you know. Sydney's always caused a bit of, you know, anxiety because it's Sydney, you know. Like, you know, the best part about Sydney is seeing it in your rear vision mirror, you know? Like the best part of Sydney is the road out of the joint. Um, and uh and and that's all I've got to say about that. Uh, but anyway, so I get into Sydney and all of a sudden Waze is not taking me on the M7, and it's not taking me uh on North Connects. I'm like, what the hell's going on here? I was like, oh, something must be going on. So anyway, so M7 I I found out um it was an accident, so it was actually closed northbound. So I was like, alright, um, you know, let's be a bit fair income here. That accident could be anything, so you know, I'm not gonna blow up too much. Um so hopefully it's all good and there were no dramas, but you know, it's not a good sign the M7 motorway being closed northbound, especially later at night like that, you know, like usually be down to one lane, for example, not but anyway, it's closed, that's not a good time. But anyway, so I was like, alright, that's fine. So, anyway, so moving on, and then all of a sudden, um Waze is uh is it's telling me that um uh North Connects is now closed. I'm like, what's going on here? Not another accident. Anyway, no, no, North Connects is closed for roadworks. Now, for those that aren't aware, North Connects, I swear, has been open for like six months. Um, why the hell are there roadworks already? Like, seriously, especially when Elliott Waters, the Newcastle Express, is trying to make quick time back to New York, you know? So anyway, and all of a sudden, I'm like, right, so I've got to go like Cumberland Highway, 828, the other way, Pandil's Road, go get off and get on back or onto the M2 and then that way. And anyway, like the next like two exits onto um the M2, whatever, are closed for roadworks. I'm like, is this is this a joke? Like, is like is this is am I being punked and I'm on TV here? Like, it what's going on? This is unbelievable. Um, so anyway, so all of a sudden me making quick time and and not making quick time, but like I said, I I sort of thought I was going in for a 45-minute sort of meeting, and in the end I was there for about seven hours um in Alberonga, but you know, it was all good. Um until this sort of stuff happening. So I'm thinking, you know, typical Sydney has dudded me again, you know. It's bad enough that usually when I'm in Sydney, you know, it's because I'm coming home from a night's game, you know, and usually we're being beaten, so I'm already angry about that, and then Sydney always, you know, it's it's the rat race getting out of there, and it's just, yeah, I don't have heaps of good memories of Sydney. Um, but you know, I wasn't expecting all this to happen, you know, and like I'm getting pretty annoyed because I'm going 40, you know, because that's the road work speed limits, and then all these people are sitting on my backside, and I'm like, hey, I'm like, listen, everyone, don't be pointing fingers at me. I'm just following the rules. This ain't my city. This ain't my bloody shitney. I hate this place, you know. This is your fault, not mine, you know, and that this is the thing. You know, no one was no one's pointing fingers. I'm just imagining, you know, this is me just getting a bit, my mind getting a bit frazzled because things are starting to get out of control a little bit, and I'm starting to see threat, you know, in my rear vision mirror, even though there is no threat, but I'm I'm picking up on it because that's what my system does. Um so all of a sudden now I'm like looking at the clock, I'm like, geez, I'm starting to start to run out of time here. Because this is the thing, right? I should have said this at the start, whatever. Um, you guys are with me until I get home, or I've got about 10 minutes left, so thank you. Um tomorrow, or today, because it's now 20 to 3, far out, um, at 8.30, I've got to uh I've got a meeting at the university, uh, which, you know, ordinarily be fine. It's with my boss, you know, Dr. Associate Professor Miles Young, um, which will be fine. Even with little sleep, it'll be fine, but it's not ideal, you know. So it sort of just annoys me because it's like, goddamn, you know, like it's just bugs me, you know. It's like Elliot always has to do things the hard body way. And when I'm in these sorts of mood and everything sort of goes south real quick, like my mood I'm talking about, like all of a sudden I start going, oh, you know, I had these thoughts, like, oh, life's always so hard, you know. I'm never gonna catch a break. Things are always gonna be like this, and I, you know, I can't keep doing this. I'm sick of when's it gonna be easy, you know? Um, and I start, you know, catastrophizing. That's what's going on right now. I've got the heart rate going, I'm a bit short of breath, and I'm I'm getting real agitated, you know, I'm freaking out a bit. Um, so I I've got, you know, I'm so I'm really agitated and frustrated and irritable about the fact that I'm gonna have like five hours sleep if I'm lucky. Still gotta have a shower and I get home. Um because I'm and and then, you know, it just makes me annoyed. I just get real angry and then I get real fractious, you know. And then I start freaking out more because I remember tomorrow, tomorrow's a big day, right? So not only have I got this meeting at the university, which will be fine, you know. I'm not, you know, I don't have to prove myself or do anything, you know. I'm it's just a meeting with me and Miles, like it's uh sorry, Miles and I, better good English, so it's fine. But then after that, though, with the Everymine Institute, I'm getting filmed, right? For a for a uh project that they're doing um about, you know, mental health care and you know my experiences as a consumer of mental health care uh and mental health services in New South Wales. So, you know, that that's all well and good. But the idea was I'd be home and I would have read over the question, which will be fine. I'll I'll make it work because I I know this stuff. This is my life, you know, this is what I do. It's one of the two fixations, but like, you know, I just it's not even that I'm getting filmed, I don't care about that. It's it's the fact that I know that my inner critic, because I'm gonna be running off not as much sleep as I want, so I'm gonna be annoyed, I'm gonna be pissed off, and then my inner critic's gonna be more emboldened because, you know, the walls I put up between my, you know, my wise mind, my myself, and and this inner critic construct, you know, the walls are a bit shaky because I'm a bit tired and I'm angry about that because I'm like, come on, Elliot, you know, we've got to be better than this because we've got to be the best, because you know what I mean? Like, we've got to, we've got to smash this out of the park. That's the, you know, there's no time for mucking around with no sleep and stuff. Switch on. But it's like I am switched on, you know. The reason I'm driving back from Aubrey Wadonga, you know, the New South Wales Victoria border is because I'm out there getting it done. And I'm trying to make, you know, the transport industry and mental health, you know, come together. I'm trying to do something that I don't believe has been done before and is being done. And, you know, this is gonna happen. There's gonna be pains. But I don't know, I just, you know, and then after the filming, then I've got the lived experience advisory group meeting for every mind. And, you know, again, it's a meeting, you know, who cares? It's fine, don't worry about it. But I'm freaking out, you know, because I just had this idea I'm not gonna be putting my best version forward, and I'm disappointed that I've allowed this to happen again. And it's like, you know, like chill, like, you know, road closures, transport for New South Wales stitching me up. That's you know, I can't really help that. And you know, me um in the end, pretty much working a full day at this at this joint, you know, it's like, you know, like okay, that wasn't planned, but like I don't care because you know, it's about the experience. I'm just happy to be, you know, on the brink of being back into the industry. Like today's a good day, you know, but I just get when everything just starts spinning too quick and I start losing a bit of control, and all of a sudden I'm not, you know, nice and feeling solid and stuff, all of a sudden then all these negatives start coming up, you know? Like it's like there's all these negative thoughts about my life and stuff that I just keep pushing away, pushing away, pushing away. Um, some in some ways in good ways, but in other ways not so good ways, you know. So, for example, oh man, so um, you know, that there's a few things in life I'm not particularly happy with. For example, finances are not good. I've got zero dollars and driving uh Victoria and then back to Newcastle's a long way, and it's a lot of fuel money that I can't afford, but at the same time, it's an investment in my future, and but you know, I get really stressed about that, and when I'm tired and there's a few things sort of against me, you know, I start losing it a bit, and then all these things bubble to the surface. So all of a sudden, finances are bubbling to the surface, right? That's one thing, but then other things like my death anxiety starts coming up. So I'm driving along on the highway, right? And I'm thinking about death, and I'm thinking this whole time, like, what's the point, Elliot? You're gonna die anyway. Who cares? What is the point? And I know that there's a massive point, but I also know that we are going to die, and that's the thing. I struggle to push back against that stuff because it's legit, you know? Like, yes, it's a bit illogical that I'm thinking it now, and you know, like I'm 35, like, come on. Um, but at the same time, it's true, you know, and then I get real depressed about that because then I start thinking about me cat that's gonna die, and I mean thinking a lot about Mabel dying, um, a lot at the moment, which is she's like five, like she'll live this she's 15, but I'm stressing because you know I'm probably gonna be moving down to Aubrey Wadonga down the border. Um, well, I'll talk more about that later, but you know, and then I'm thinking that I'm not gonna see her anymore, and that, you know, she'll die while I'm away, and then now I start thinking about my parents getting older and they're gonna, oh man, it's not even about me, although there's that too, but when it gets real bad, it's not even me dying, you know, it's the people I care about. Um, and it just it's oh it just when I get real revved up like this, it just I I've done it's it's hard to dial it down. Now, a bit of context, you know, again, it's quarter to three, I'm almost home, um, which is fine, which is good. Um, but you know, like part of this is because my medications are worn off, right? So I I know this, I knew this was sort of coming because my meds are worn off. So I should be home by now and I should have had my night meds and I should, well, I should be asleep, but you know, like they should be doing their thing. But what's happened is there's been a bigger elongated gap between my, I guess, sort of lunch, sort of early afternoon meds, um, and then, you know, I still haven't had my night meds yet, because I can't have them while I'm driving because, you know, although I'm not on Ceracol anymore and stuff, like there's still medications that are have sedative, um, sedative um, you know, component well not components, like, I don't know, you know what I mean? Like they can make you tired, and although they don't make me tired because, you know, I've been on them for ages, clamipromine and metazpine, but you know, like I'm not having them before I get home. Like that's that's not that's not the order to do things. You've got to get home first, then I'll have them, you know. Um, but so there's this bit of a gap between my medications, and the thing is, there's probably, you know, like I know that clamiprimine is a long act, they're metazipine, they're long acting. You know, there's no no shortage of those meta, you know, those those medications in my brain at the moment because they're long acting. So I know logically there's no dramas. Okay, it's not that like my neurons are crying out for clamipramine, it's not that at all. Um, what it is, is that I know that I haven't had them on time, and because of that, it means that my life's spinning out of control, which is garbage, but you know, that's the thing, it's illogical, isn't it? You know, I know that there's no dramas. There's plenty of clamipramine and metazapine floating around. I could skip two nights and I probably wouldn't even technically notice, assuming I just didn't know that I'd skip the two, let's say, so I'm just, I don't know. I'm just um anyway, so you know what I mean. So like, like, neurochemically, there's no dramas. But like, and logically, there's no dramas, but that's not the point, you know? That's that's not the point because I know that I've missed it, and for some reason me missing them, or no, I haven't missed them, I'm still gonna have them, but being a bit later on them is the end of the world because I'm already anxious, I'm already a bit fractious, you know, and and everything's just spinning out of control, and I start panicking. And I'm like, oh my god, you know, me not having meds on time, this is another sign that my life isn't in order. How the hell am I gonna go back into the transport industry if I can't get my life in order? You know, how am I gonna marry up my two fixations or passions, let's say passions, of transport and mental health when I can't even do, you know what I mean? Like it's a joke, it's an absolute joke. Like, and I know me, you know, for you know, like I am very well, you know, well rehearsed at operating on not much sleep, you know, like and I don't want to do it anymore. But here, you know, like this isn't all within, you know, this isn't all my fault. Um but you know, it just is just another sign that life's hard, you know? It's like I wanna get to the point where I don't have to just be constantly pushing, you You know, looking at myself in the mirror, going, man, you know, far out, I'm looking, I'm looking tired and I'm looking, you know, like the world's against me. And it's like, it's alright. Like, today's been a good day. We've achieved a lot. I've achieved a lot. I've achieved a lot. Um, I'm just annoyed that this keeps happening, you know, and the reason it keeps happening is because I'm a goer. And I wish I wasn't, you know, like, you know, I guess other people might have been like said to them, like, look, guys, you know, I really appreciate the opportunity to, you know, go around with one of your drivers today and all this sort of stuff. I'll get back to Newcastle because I've got work tomorrow. But me, you know, I'm like, this is a great opportunity, you know, I'm really happy to be given which I am, you know. I am. I can't help the roads were closed. Um, but it just worries me because life's just, it's never easy for me, you know. There's never anything straightforward, there's always complications, and like that's everybody's life. I know that. And I know that the way I'm feeling at the moment is just, you know, I'm a bit tired because I haven't slept last couple of days because I know I've got a big week, like, this is a big week, you know. Tomorrow's a big day, but it's not just the only day. There's a lot coming up, you know. So, you know, it's oh man, come on, Elliot. Breathe, breathe, Elliot. Um, thank God I'm almost home. Um, what was I saying? Yeah, this is a big week. It is a big week. There's a lot going on, you know. I've got me big I'll talk more about it soon, but like I've got me big um uh what have I got on? Come on, come on, think. My big um presentation. The leadership presentation at university on Thursday. What day is it today? Tuesday. Um, so you know, that's coming up soon, and you know, like I I'm just nervous, you know. There's a lot of big stuff coming up. This is a huge week, and I'll be honest, this isn't the start of to the week that I sort of wanted. I didn't want to be, you know, the the my backside hanging out already, you know, and it's only Tuesday. Um it just worries me because I don't like not only when I'm a bit tired and there's a bit going on and it's a bit, you know, I start spinning like this and things start, start thinking, you know, all my thoughts start revving up a bit and stuff. Um, and you know, my ability to push back against some of my, you know, my my hardest thoughts, especially around death and stuff, death anxiety, which is huge, you know, it's huge, it's bigger than I've let on here so far. I need to talk about it properly on the show because it is a big part of unfortunately what I think. I think about this stuff a lot, but you know, obviously, it's hard to talk about because it's it's death. Um, but what I also know, and this is the bit that's sort of getting me, is that I know that when I'm tired and I haven't as much sleep as I would prefer, like I know I was gonna say tomorrow, but it's today, is gonna be hard because my inner critic, when I have my defences down a bit, my inner critic is able to bash on my door with its mate, the imposter syndrome, and everything that goes with it, and you know, and they're a lot louder, and a lot of the time I can't keep them out. And tomorrow I'm doing this filming for the Everymine Institute, and I take this sort of stuff seriously, and I'm pretty annoyed that I'm potentially not gonna be running at 100%, and I hate that, even though it's mental health, and this is this is it, you know, this is lived experience. Well, I'm living it right now. Right now, I'm living at a five to three, but it just annoys me, you know, because I don't know, I I and then there's this pressure too, because you know, this is it, this is it, I've got a launch, this is it, and I can't afford to stumble. And I get very worried that when these things happen, I'm stumbling. And I'm not stumbling, I just need to have a good meeting with Miles tomorrow, and then I'll be right. It's just hard, and then yeah, so anyway, I'm almost home. So thank you everybody for listening and being and you know helping me be my support friends and support network, which you are, but I appreciate thank god. I'm almost home. Alright. Um, but yeah, so that's yeah, that I don't know, that's a bit of insight into my brain, and it's so frustrating. Um, and what I might do, I might do a follow-up to this episode. I might actually re- release them at the same time, even though now I'm putting pressure on myself. Whatever, Elliot, just stop. So, yes, anyway, I've just got home, I've got to get inside, I've got to have a shower. Um, so yeah, I've made it. It's bang on 3am. Oh dear, Elliot, one day you'll learn, but I don't know, at the same time, I don't know, is this how it's meant to be? I think it probably is. I don't know, maybe, I don't know. You tell me everybody. Like, is this is everyone else able to do this sort of stuff? Or because I do this all the time, and this is basically the norm, man. Just annoys me because I don't want it to be anymore, because I want to be running sharp and I wanted everything to be in in a good order. I don't I don't want to be doing this not much sleep stuff, because yeah, I don't know, some of the thoughts they scare the absolute crap out of me. Anyway, I just made it home. I've got to go inside. Thanks everyone. I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.